After the fanfare of Halloween dies down and The 31 Days of Horror-Ween has finished, I inevitably wind up with a LOT more horror movies on my plate to watch. I typically lump these reviews into a column called Halloween Hangover. I tried to start this year’s edition off with something called Nude in Dracula’s Castle, which looked promising. Alternative Cinema put out this two-disc set containing four hours of nudie shorts from the 50’s and ‘60s. Now, I was under the mistaken impression they were all (or at least mostly) horror related, which is why I spent the week of Halloween watching them. I got about a quarter of the way through the set when I realized that wasn’t the case, as only the first film was a horror nudie short. By then, it was too late to turn back. Anyway, forget that long-winded opening, here’s my in-depth report on a bunch of vintage smut:
“Nude in Dracula’s Castle” ****
A sexy brunette spends the night in a spooky old mansion and is menaced by the pale faced butler who is actually a vampire. This was pretty much it as far as the horror nudie shorts go. That said, it is a terrific little mini-masterpiece. It has better production values than most features and the lighting is particularly good for an 8mm loop. Imagine if Russ Meyer did a remake of Nosferatu and Carnival of Souls in less than three minutes and that might give you an idea of what to expect. It’s pure cinema. I don’t know if it’s worth buying the whole set just for this short, but I couldn’t fault anyone for wanting to add it to their collection. It’s that damn good.
“Lynda” ** ½
A model named Lynda lies on the bed thrusting her loins at the camera. This is about as basic a nudie loop as you can get. However, if you paid a quarter back in the day to see it at an adult arcade, I’d say you probably got your money’s worth as there are plenty of full-on beaver shots.
“Lusty and Young” ** ½
A snaggle-toothed chick disrobes and shows off her beaver. Like "Lynda", there’s not a lot to this one, but it’s got plenty of bush. It’s also memorable, if only for the model’s dental deformity.
“Marty” ***
This loop follows the same tired structure as the previous two entries. The difference here is that Marty is a real looker and seems to be enjoying grinding her beaver about.
“Brandi” *** ½
If Brandi isn’t the best-looking girl so far, she’s definitely the most limber. She’s certainly eager to show off that beaver, which also helps enormously. Add to that the fact that the camerawork is much better in this loop and you have yourself a real winner.
“Blonde and Spunky” ***
The model is blonde and spunky, so you can’t sue them for false advertising. (She kind of looks like Angie Dickinson a little.) Compared to the other beaver loops, this one has some interesting camerawork as it begins with a cool low angle shot and features several close-ups of the eager model mugging for the camera. It’s kind of on the short side, but other than that, it’s a winner.
“Red Hot and Ready” ***
This one follows the same formula as the previous loops. A brunette strips for the camera before hoping into bed. This gal, while she maybe not as attractive as some of the other starlets in the collection, is jiggly with a capital “J” as she does some memorable bumping and grinding throughout her energetic routine.
“Lucious for You” ** ½
A brunette with heavy eye make-up and a big beehive undresses and flicks her tongue at the camera. This one is hallmarked by camerawork that leers closely to its subject. Sometimes it’s a little too close, but it does result in at least one great shot from between the model’s legs.
“Innocent and Willing” ****
Up until now, all the segments have been relatively chaste. Although all the models have appeared nude, there hasn’t been anything here that would be labeled as hardcore. That all changes with this sequence, which features a hot blonde graphically masturbating. Even if you aren’t a fan of vintage erotica, this loop may make you change your tune as it’s tawdry as all get out. This was about as close to OnlyFans as you could get back in the ‘50s!
“Groovy for You” ** ½
After checking herself out in the mirror, a sexy brunette disrobes before sprawling out on a couch. This one is a nice change of pace since it takes place on a couch rather than a bed. Other than that, it’s not especially memorable although the model is definitely cute.
“Candy” ***
A cute short haired brunette with glasses undresses. At first, she seems shy and demure, but once her glasses come off, she can bump and grind with the best of them. The shot of her bent over for the camera that concludes the reel is especially saucy.
“Old Fashion” ***
A chick that kind of resembles Jackie O. undresses and gives the viewer a come-hither type look before lounging on her bed. While this one follows essentially the same formula as nearly all the other loops featured here, the winning personality of the model helps make it one of the most memorable.
“Spunky and Loving It” *** ½
This is another case where the enthusiasm of the subject makes all the difference. Our leading lady does the Twist while wearing nothing but a cardigan and black panties. While she’s twisting, her boobs and buns wiggle and jiggle something fierce. Then she sprawls out on her bed while wearing long black gloves before another twisting striptease. Chubby Checker eat your heart out!
“The Smiling Blonde” ** ½
Hey what gives? This one is all about a frowning brunette! Just kidding. There’s not much to this one as it’s short and (mostly) sweet. At least the model wastes no time when it comes to ditching her stitching.
“Cute and Curly” **
This reel (about a redhead doing a striptease) looks noticeably older than the previous loops. (It’s possibly from the ‘40s.) It’s not terrible, but the extensive print damage and focus problems take much of the fun out of the equation.
“Margie” ** ½
A platinum princess pops her top and poses for the camera. This one is really short and doesn’t go anywhere, but the model is hot.
“Sweet and Bored” **
Here’s another short loop plagued with print problems. It’s a shame too because the model is definitely cute. It makes you wish the cameraman had found more for her to do.
“Bed Manners” ***
This one shows what you can do when you have a cameraman who likes to keep things interesting and a model with screen presence and sex appeal. It’s brief and to the point, but it works
“A Little Tipsy” ***
True to the title, the model looks to be under the influence here. She’s still plenty hot and looks great while slinking around on a sofa and showing off her ample bush before rolling onto the floor and undulating on all fours. I bet she’s fun at parties.
“More for the Pillow” ***
A naked blonde cavorts and contorts on a bed. This one gets right down to business, which after a few hours of watching this sort of thing, is appreciated. It also helps that the subject seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself.
“Beached Mermaid” *** ½
This short offers two firsts for the collection. One: It takes place outdoors. Two: It’s in color! A cute blonde drops her towel on the beach and frolics nude in the sand with an oversized beach ball. The color photography enhances her great smile and lovely figure, making this one of the better shorts on the DVD.
“More Than a Wink” *** ½
A brunette fidgets in her sleep before removing her clothes and gyrating around. Folks, we’ve all seen sleepwalking, but this might be the first instance of sleepstripping! Add to that the fact that she can twerk better asleep than some girls can awake (and the fact that she can’t seem to keep her tongue in her mouth), and you have yourself a wild short and a great way to end the first disc.
“The Shave” ****
Disc Two kicks off with another color short. If you’ve had your fill of fuzzy beavers throughout this collection, this will be the perfect antidote. A beautiful blonde disrobes in her bedroom before lathering up her nether region and shaving her pubic hair. You know, there is something to be said for impeccable grooming habits. Like “Nude in Dracula’s Castle”, this is a classic of its kind. Little touches like the close-up of the razor or the use of a mirror by the model to aid her in her quest for a shorn mound makes this borderline art. It probably belongs in the MoMA. It would’ve been a classic anyway if it had just been a single shaving scene, but afterwards, the model gets dressed (she’s just as hot getting dressed as she is undressing) in a see-thru crotchless and bottomless two-piece pajamas before undressing for the camera AGAIN. How this didn’t win an Oscar for Best Short Film I’ll never know.
“Eros POB 613 Copenhagen” ***
This looks to be an excerpt from Danish nudist movie. Four naked gals parade around a pool and perform an impromptu beauty pageant. The winner is crowned, and she’s handed a trophy. Then, the ladies play a game where they throw a tennis ball over a volleyball net. (I guess they blew their budget on the trophy and couldn’t afford a real volleyball.) This one is novel for its use of multiple set-ups, more than one model, and an actual storyline (loose as it may be).
“Beauty and the Beach” ***
A spunky blonde in a black bikini is strolling along the beach. She then sneaks behind the rocks where she sheds her swimwear to enjoy the surf and sand au natural. The combination of a cute model and scenic location work makes for another solid entry in the collection.
“Double Your Pleasure” ***
A blonde and a brunette lug a bag of golf clubs through the desert and play with a beach ball. When the beach ball pops, they decide to just sunbathe. This is another short that has a naturist vibe to it. My only complaint is that the golf clubs never really come into play (aside from the brunette taking one or two practice swings).
“Cynthia” *** ½
A hot blonde lounges nude in bed while batting her lashes for the audience. While this is one of the simplest loops, it is also one of the most effective as our model has oodles of sex appeal and the camera absolutely adores her.
“Beauties Bathing” ***
I really enjoy these nudist camp style shorts. In this one, three gals at a beach house strip, roll around in the sand, perform calisthenics, toss around a volleyball, and lounge on top of a picnic table. (One model also checks on lunch, which includes a pineapple and a big fake fish.) This loop is so much fun you may forget that the beauties never get around to bathing.
“On the Road to You” ** ½
A naked blonde leaves her car to sunbathe in the desert. Then it’s back into the car where she heads off to her destination, the Lazy X Ranch. The outdoor locations make this one stand out, even though it lacks the fun and charm of some of the other loops in the set.
“Blonde Swinger” ***
If you were bummed about the lack of nude golfing in “Double Your Pleasure”, this short is for you. A naked blonde grabs a golf clubs and practices her… uh… stroke. (“Swinger”! Get it?). Plus, it’s in color! Why can’t the LGPA be like THIS?
“Missy” *** ½
A demure model with an amazing rack and impeccable bush lies on a couch and bares all for the camera. There’s not much to this one and there doesn’t have to be since the starlet is a straight-up smokeshow.
“Close to You” *** ½
This one is Bush-o-Rama! The camera rarely ventures below the model’s thighs or above her belly button. In short, there’s enough beaver here to make you say damn!
“Sweet and Anxious" *** ½
A dark-haired cutie strips out of her black lingerie and teases the camera. Here’s a sterling example of a model’s playful enthusiasm elevating what could’ve been a thoroughly ordinary loop. She gives us a perfect amount of tease and please, and leaves us wanting more, but in the best possible way.
“Queen for a Night” ***
It’s almost like you get two shorts for the price of one in this final loop. A busty maid strips and tries on her queen’s crown and cloak. Meanwhile, a gorgeous gal disrobes on a bed. I don’t know what the heck one has to do with the other, but the models are both pretty hot.
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