KING OF THE ANTS (2004) *

Before The Asylum got into the mockbuster business, they teamed up with horror legend Stuart (Re-Animator) Gordon for this weird neo-noir/torture porn/horror hybrid.  Chris McKenna stars as Sean, a painter who gets suckered by a rich contractor named Ray (Daniel Baldwin) to tail a suit down at city hall who’s causing problems for his business.  Things escalate quickly when Sean murders his target, which forces Ray to take matters in his own hands. 

King of the Ants starts out OK as things sort of play out like a modern riff on an old film noir.  The plot takes a turn though once the hero is captured and tortured by Baldwin and his cronies.  These sequences go on for far too long and are pretty repugnant.  Things get increasingly weird once he starts having bizarre hallucinations of Kari Wuhrer with a penis.  (I don’t know if this was supposed to be a homage to The Crying Game or not.)  Later, she appears to him as a grotesque shit-eating caterpillar that looks like a close cousin to Justin Long in Tusk.  What the fuck?  All of this is more unpleasant than scary and is sure no picnic to sit through. 

The third act is slightly better, although the fact that McKenna could get the wife of the man he killed to not only nurse him back to health, but make her fall in love with him too, is a little hard to swallow.  The finale where McKenna gets revenge on Baldwin and his crew also goes on too long.  In fact, the movie is too long in general, running one-hundred-and-two minutes, and feeling twice that length.

The cast is stacked top to bottom with talent.  Baldwin is ideally cast as the villain, and Vernon Wells and George Wendt (who looks like he’s having fun) make for a strange team as his sleazy crew.  Wuhrer (who made this just before she did all those Dimension DTV sequels) probably gives the best performance in the movie, but some of the stuff she’s asked to do is almost laughable.  The biggest surprise is seeing an uncredited Ron Livingston as her ill-fated husband, although he’s not given much to do besides die. 

The supporting cast is so good that they just make McKenna pale in comparison.  He just isn’t in the same league as his co-stars and is pretty annoying throughout the picture (but especially in the final act).  I can’t say the movie would’ve worked with a stronger leading man because it’s certainly repellent to the core, but he doesn’t do it any favors.

If King of the Ants was more of a straight noir thriller, it possibly could’ve been more tolerable.  However, the horror touches only make the whole ordeal more perplexing.  Since it’s neither fish nor fowl, I’m not sure if die-hard Gordon fans will even enjoy it.  It’s not quite as bad as Gordon’s Dagon, but it’s pretty awful in just about every way.

Gordon’s next was Edmond, a much better non-horror-but-still-sorta-horrific drama. 

ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE (2021) ***

Well, it’s real.  After years of endless speculation of its very existence, Zack Snyder’s director’s cut of the much-maligned Justice League is finally here.  Was it worth the wait?  Yes, and no.

Like most director’s cuts, it’s a good news, bad news kind situation.  For every marked improvement on the original (and to be fair, there are a few), there is at least one glaring omission or superfluous addition to make you furrow your brow and wonder, “Was this cut really necessary”?  That said, I like Zack’s movies and I’m glad from a filmmaker’s perspective that he was able to have his vision finally realized.

Most director’s cuts are overlong to begin with, but Zack Snyder’s Justice League clocks in at a whopping four hours.  What’s strange is that the first two acts (or first four parts, as it is broken up into six parts and one epilogue) are strong.  The changes are minor, and the additions help to flesh out the characters (mostly Cyborg).  While most of the early stuff is merely cosmetic (the villain, Steppenwolf has been given a CGI upgrade), there are moments where you have to wonder what the heck Snyder was thinking.  There’s a surprisingly tender scene between Ma Kent and Lois Lane that is genuinely moving, but it’s almost immediately undone by a surprise reveal that… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s fucking dumb. 

The third act sees the most changes, most of which are for the worse.  The final battle feels a lot more condensed and lackluster compared to the original.  Plus, the return of everyone’s favorite Man of Steel isn’t as much fun as the theatrical version.  (Although this time he’s sporting a nifty black suit.)  Also, some of my favorite bits from the theatrical are totally missing.  I loved all the banter between the heroes in the Batjet (especially Aquaman’s confession to Wonder Woman), all of which are absent here.  Strangely, the most cringe-inducing thing is still present.  Of course, I’m referring to Aquaman saying “My man!” to Cyborg.  I would’ve thought that was a Whedon moment, but I was apparently wrong.  (Oh, and Aquaman is an even bigger Debbie Downer in this incarnation.)

Even the great stinger at the end, the race between Flash and Superman is missing.  In its place is a befuddling dream sequence set in a post-apocalyptic future that sees heroes and villains teaming up to face… someone I won’t spoil.  It’s just so out of left field that feels out of place with the rest of the movie. 

While the original film suffered from a whiplash in tone (due to Whedon’s reshoots), this one is more consistent throughout.  The thing I have always admired about Snyder’s DC movies is that he gives the heroes their proper mythic status.  Frank Miller always said, “Marvel is folklore.  DC is myth”, and Snyder gets that.  His battles are epic, and there’s nothing less than the fate of the world in the balance whenever the heroes are squaring off against the baddie and his minions.  He gives the characters a world to inhabit that has real size and scope and treats his heroes with reverence and respect that few filmmakers working in the genre have.  (He also gives Wonder Woman more moments to shine here and in Batman v Superman than she had in either of her solo outings.)  I mean, there’s one new sequence that involves a giant ancient intergalactic battle that features Amazon women, Green Lanterns, and motherfuckin’ Zeus battling aliens that is exactly the kind of WTF flourish that makes this version well-worth seeing. 

I have to say that while I am glad Zack got his moment in the sun to show the world his true vision, it ultimately pales next to Man of Steel and BVS.  Those films had an emotional core that this one lacks.  That’s mostly due to the fact that Superman, the heart of the DC Extended Universe, is largely absent from the proceedings.  (I believe it’s called “Search for Spock Syndrome”.)  Unfortunately, once he finally shows up, the movie really doesn’t know what to do with him (especially in this version).

So, I’m probably in the minority on this one, but I prefer the original to the director’s cut.  It may be a bit of a mess, but it’s an overall tighter picture (and is a lot easier on the bladder).  That really isn’t a surprise as I can’t think of many director’s cuts that improve on the original versions.  However, Zack Snyder’s Justice League is bigger, bolder, and more filmmaker-driven than anything Marvel has given us, so for that, it’s worthwhile.

TOMCATS (1977) ** ½

Four psychos go on a crime spree robbing restaurants and raping and killing waitresses.  The goons are arrested and brought to trial, but they get off because of a technicality.  Chris Mulkey stars as the brother of one of the victims who goes out for revenge.  His uncle (Blood Feast’s William Kerwin), a detective on the case, bends the law and turns a blind eye to Mulkey’s actions, allowing him his opportunity for justice.

Tomcats is basically a Death Wish rehash.  It’s a bit on the uneven side and is sometimes frustrating, but it certainly has its merits.  The opening attack sequence is surprisingly strong.  It also does the whole heavy breathing stalker POV camerawork thing rather well.  (A full year before Halloween made it chic.)   That’s the only real distinguishing stylistic characteristic though.  That cool scene aside, the rest of the picture is mostly drab and none too subtle. 

The finale is a bit of a letdown.  I mean the guys are all cretins.  You want to see them get what’s coming to them.  Unfortunately, most of the scumbags get off way too easy, which is sort of the big problem.  The shootouts and chase scenes in the third act lack sizzle too. 

The movie coasts on the strength of Mulkey’s performance.  He has a quiet, likeable toughness about him, and you can’t help but to root for him.  Wayne Crawford (who also co-wrote the script) is appropriately sleazy as the head rapist.  You just wish he came to a more fitting demise.  Kerwin (brother of Harry Kerwin, who also directed) is fun to watch, especially since he’s playing a slight variation on the character he played in Blood Feast.

Ultimately, Tomcats is better in its first half when it’s detailing the gang’s reign of terror.  Once it switches gears and becomes a revenge flick, it all kind of fizzles out.  Still, there’s still plenty of grimy atmosphere (not to mention copious amounts of T & A) to go around.  It’s not bad as far as ‘70s revenge flicks go, but it falls just short of being a good one.

Kerwin and Crawford reteamed for Barracuda the next year.

AKA:  Getting Even.  AKA:  Avenged.  AKA:  Deadbeat.

KID 90 (2021) ** ½

Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye took a camera with her wherever she went during her years as a child actor in Hollywood in the ‘80s and ‘90s.  Thanks to her incessant need to film everything, she has tons of footage of her famous child star friends.  Around the turn of the century, she put down her camera and locked all the footage away for twenty years.  When she finally took it out of storage and looked at it (which conveniently just so happened to be when she was about to star in a Punky Brewster reboot), she decided to make a documentary about it. 

It’s great to see footage of so many child stars in their prime hanging out, partying, and generally just being themselves.  This is the real reason to see Kid 90.  The new scenes of a mature Frye trying to connect the dots of how the footage shaped her life fall flat.  

Kid 90 is kind of coy about a lot of stuff.  I guess Frye was trying to maintain a certain level of innocence here (or maybe she just didn’t want to incriminate anyone), but in doing so, it ultimately comes off like a fluff piece.  The only real revelation is who she lost her virginity to.  I won’t spoil it here, but I’m sure you can probably guess who it is, knowing his reputation. 

The present-day interviews with the former child stars who appear in the footage offer little insight.  It must be said that some enjoyment can be had from their reactions to seeing footage of their younger selves after thirty years.  It’s just not enough to base a whole movie on. The scenes of Fry reconnecting with an old flame make for lackluster finale too.  (It would’ve made for a better climax if they managed to get You Know Who on camera.) 

The most shocking thing about Kid 90 is the fact that so many of the kids featured in the old videos are no longer with us (many by suicide or drugs).  It’s still fairly entertaining, even if the film is kind of skimpy on a cohesive through line.  I guess Frye coming through the other side as a survivor is narrative enough.  

If you watch Kid 90 for purely nostalgic purposes, you will probably enjoy it.  Honestly, I was hoping for something a bit more.  Then again, any documentary that contains behind the scenes footage of the 1995 Piranha remake AND Pumpkinhead 2:  Blood Wings is OK by me.

ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN (1972) *

Encounter with the Unknown is an amateurish low budget horror anthology that is only noteworthy because of the participation of The Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling, who narrates the trio of tales.  His familiar voice is the only touch of class in this otherwise dreary slog of a film.  I’m not sure how much he got paid for this gig, but it probably kept him in cigarettes for a few days. 

The first story (*) involves a trio of teens playing a prank on their friend, which predictably goes wrong, leading to his death.  At his funeral, his mother curses the three boys responsible for the prank.  Then, every seven days, one of them meets an untimely demise. 

The acting is bad, the pacing is sluggish, and the whole thing feels like a student film.  Even though the story is less than a half an hour, it’s heavily padded with repeated sequences and flashbacks to stuff that happened just a few minutes prior.  The awkward structure doesn’t do it any favors either. 

The second tale (* ½) begins with a boy looking for his lost dog.  Eventually, he stumbles upon a mysterious hole in the ground.  His father investigates and hears a strange moaning sound coming from the hole.  His buddies lower him into the dark cavern, and he is ill prepared for what he finds there. 

This one suffers from low budget as the period setting is hardly believable.  It almost looks like one of those cheap filmstrips they used to show in history class.  Or maybe an episode of The Waltons directed by Charles B. Pierce.  At any rate, it squanders a decent premise almost immediately, and the complete non-ending is downright infuriating. Like the first story, there’s a lot of unnecessary flashbacks to stuff that just happened that help to pad things out. 

The last tale (* ½) is a familiar enough ghost story.  A motorist discovers a young woman wandering alone on a rickety bridge in the middle of the night.  He offers to give her a lift back home and discovers she hasn’t lived there for a very long time.

This story is predictable, but it’s probably the best of the bunch because it is the shortest.  Even then, the story is needlessly stretched out with (you guessed it) flashbacks.  It might’ve got ** if it was only fifteen minutes long, but it goes on and on senselessly for another five minutes, which is nothing more than endless scenes of the ghost girl and her former lover having romantic interludes through the woods while a sappy love song plays on the soundtrack.

I would have split the difference and gave the movie an overall score of * ½.  However, after the stories wrap up, another narrator comes along and gives us a recap of every tale, each one lasting several minutes.  These scenes didn’t work the first time and are even more excruciating the second time around. 

Without all these repeated scenes, Encounter with the Unknown could’ve easily been a sixty-minute movie.  Thanks to the heavy doses of padding and unending narration, it clocks in at a whopping ninety.  The egregious padding helps to make it one of the worst horror anthologies of all time. 

To sum up, this is for Rod Serling completists only.  His intros are the only thing worth a damn.  The rest of the movie is just mind-numbingly bad.

CORRUPTED (1973) ** ½

A pimp named Derek (Nicky Fylan) and his hooker girlfriend Angela (Janice Duval) are looking to make a big score.  They devise a way to blackmail, cheat, and swindle rich clients by luring them into sessions with “photographer’s models”.  They then take incriminating photos of the men and use them for extortion.  Trouble brews when Angela starts getting a little too cozy with their latest mark (Arthur Roberts from Not of This Earth), which drives Derek crazy with jealousy.

Directed by Ed (The Brain) Hunt, this Canadian softcore flick has perhaps a bit too much plot, but it features plenty of nudity.  Things get particularly repetitive late in the game as there are probably two too many scenes of the pimp being jealous that Duval is off getting busy without him.  Duval is easy on the eyes though, and she drops her drawers at a moment’s notice, which helps keep you watching even when the movie is chasing its tail.

The subplot centering around the head of the local moral brigade (Tom Celli) makes for the most memorable moments.  He gets a great introduction scene where he sits in his office and burns a Playboy centerfold to show just how serious he is about wiping smut from his community.  Not to be outdone, once the centerfold goes up in smoke, he sets a match to Burt Reynolds’ nude spread for Cosmopolitan!  This guy is an equal opportunity smut smasher!

Another highlight is when he breaks into a nurse’s apartment and forces her to use a vibrator at gunpoint.  (“Don’t play innocent with me!”)  It hilariously backfires on him when she winds up getting turned on and tries to seduce him, effectively flummoxing the creep and sending him running off into the night.  If only the movie had one or two more scenes like this, it could’ve been a minor classic.

While Celli’s plotline is a lot more fun than the blackmail stuff with Roberts and Duval, his big orgy scene is a bit of a bust.  The editing in this sequence is a bit choppy too, so I have to wonder if I was stuck watching a cut version.  Even if there were some juicy tidbits still intact, I don’t think it would’ve been enough to completely salvage Corrupted.  However, it remains a decent enough skin flick, warts and all. 

AKA:  Pleasure Palace.

ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013) ** ½

This Asylum zombie flick has a little bit better pedigree than your typical low budget gut-muncher.  It was directed by John (Feast) Gulager, features music by Alan (the Halloween sequels) Howarth and boasts a pretty solid cast for this sort of thing.  We have Anthony Michael Hall as the family man trying to keep his clan safe during the zombie outbreak, Daryl Hannah is his wife, and The Partridge Family’s Shirley Jones is her blind mother.  We also have Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’s Alan Ruck as the asshole neighbor who won’t let anybody into his heavily fortified panic room. 

If you want to see an endless barrage of zombie cliches for eighty-eight minutes, Zombie Night will make for an evening of undemanding entertainment.  Characters have to watch in horror as their loved ones are bitten, turned into zombies, and then they are forced to shoot them in the head.  There’s the scene where people keep shooting zombies in the chest until they finally realize shooting them in the head is the only way to stop them.  There’s the lovelorn teen who keeps wanting to check on her boyfriend who’s almost assuredly Zombie Chow.  It’s all here, and it’s solid for the most part.  The stuff with Jones stumbling around in the basement is almost laughable at times though, and the finale where the family makes their final stand kinda fizzles out.

As a regular movie, it sort of falls short when it comes to things like plot, characterization, and suspense.  As a zombie flick (especially one made by The Asylum), it works as well as could be expected.  Gulager stages the action in a competent, workmanlike fashion.  He also wastes no time cutting to the chase, which is always appreciated in something like this.  The pacing overall is fairly brisk, and while he brings nothing especially new or memorable to the genre, it’s far from a bad film. 

There is something to be said for the three-chords approach.  Do I wish Gulager and company aimed a bit higher?  Kinda.  However, there’s nothing wrong with aiming low as long as you can hit the target.  (Or at least shoot them in the head.)

AKA:  Dark Night of the Walking Dead.