ZETA ONE (1969) *

British sex comedies are usually insufferable, especially when they lean heavy into the “comedy” aspects of the genre.  This one is so confusing and stupid that you won’t even have time to laugh at the jokes.  You’ll be too busy trying to figure out what they hell is going on.

A secret agent comes home to find his secretary raring for a midnight rendezvous.  After a few drinks, a game of strip poker, and some (offscreen) lovemaking, he tells her all about his latest mission.  It seems a race of alien women were going around London and abducting strippers.  He probably would’ve gotten to the bottom of things if he wasn’t so damned busy getting it on with a bunch of hot blondes. 

Zeta One looks like it began life as a sci-fi sex comedy.  Somewhere along the line, the producers must’ve demanded they change gears and turn it into a James Bond spoof.  The Bond-ish opening goes on forever and it takes a good twenty minutes before he even mentions the aliens.  These scenes look like they were thrown together in a day or two and the strip poker sequence seemingly plays out in real time.  This portion of the film must’ve been filmed way after the sci-fi stuff because the secret agent is missing his mustache in these scenes.  In fact, when he’s introduced, he removes a false one, as if he was in disguise or something, but all that does is call attention to the conspicuous continuity error later on.  I mean, all he had to so is say he shaved.  There was no need to go into all that fake mustache shit at the very beginning. 

The stuff with the sexy aliens feels incomplete as I’m sure there was a lot of footage that got scrapped to make way for the James Bond subplot.  There’s even a scene where the aliens sit around and watch a monitor playing what looks like footage the editor couldn’t cram elsewhere into the picture.  The aliens themselves aren’t anything special either.  The women all wear Egyptian-inspired make-up, funny wigs, and kooky outfits.  The only memorable part is the training sequence where a bunch of alien women wearing bikini bottoms and pasties perform in a brief Kung Fu tournament, but it’s over before you can really enjoy it.

Zeta One has an acceptable amount of T & A, but even the nudity (which is really quite tame) can’t save the movie.  Since the whole mess has been cobbled together so incoherently, that means just as it feels like it’s about to end, it doesn’t.  Instead, it cuts to another set of characters and it keeps right on going.  This happens about three or four times, and each false ending seems longer than the one that preceded it. 

There might’ve been a kernel of a decent sex spoof here if the seams weren’t so glaringly evident.  However, the crummy craftsmanship and shoddy storytelling ultimately sink it.  Because of that, Zeta One is a big fat zero.

AKA:  The Love Factor.  AKA:  Alien Women.

THE PANTHER WOMEN (1967) ** ½

With his dying breath, the leader of a panther cult curses the bloodline of the man who killed him.  Centuries later, in present-day Mexico, the all-woman panther-worshipping cult returns to kill off the last of his descendants.  It’s then up to the sexy wrestling women Loreta Venus (Ariadne Welter) and her tag-team partner Golden Rubi (Elizabeth Campbell) to put a stop to the evil panther women once and for all. 

The Panther Women is the fourth in a series of five Wrestling Women movies that began with Doctor of Doom and concluded with Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot.  It was directed by the ever-reliable Rene Cardona, who brings a lot of atmosphere to the scenes of the panther cult rituals.  He also gives the three wrestling matches (two of which are ladies’ tag-team bouts) and one dance routine a sense of fun.  The fight scenes that occur outside the ring are well done too.  (The rapid-fire editing during the warehouse brawl is quite effective.) 

I only wish the script had enough confidence in the wrestling women to make them the main heroines.  Instead, they needlessly shoehorn in a El Santo wannabe by the name of El Angel into the plot.  Like everyone’s favorite silver-masked man, he has his own Batcave-inspired secret laboratory.  I’m not saying El Angel isn’t cool.  I especially liked his James Bond-style gadgets (he has a bulletproof and flameproof cape).  It’s just that the wrestling women should’ve been given more of the spotlight. 

The voluptuous Campbell (who was in all but the final installment of the series) in particular seems wasted as she spends much of her screen time standing around listening to exposition or (even worse) having to put up with an annoying comic relief detective.  I mean during the big climax, just as she is about to do something heroic, she FAINTS, and El Angel has to step in and save the day.  Weak.

It would’ve also been nice to see the panther women in their full werewolf-inspired make-up a little more often.  On the plus side, the resurrected cult leader is appropriately grotesque looking.  The terrible dubbing is good for a laugh too, and the dialogue is often hilarious.  (“That cursed sword of the Druids stands in our way again!”)

Overall, The Panther Women isn’t a bad mix of Luche Libre and horror, but the next installment, Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot, was a lot more fun.

PARTY GAMES FOR ADULTS ONLY (1984) **

This hour-long tape hosted by comedian John Byner is supposed to give you ideas for games you can play at your next cocktail party.  Really, it's more of a platform for Byner to perform a bunch of unfunny comedy bits, do bad impressions, and tell dirty limericks.  Occasionally, there’s a little T & A, and while it’s enough to earn the “Adults Only” moniker, it’s nothing that will get you hot and bothered.  For me, it was mostly of interest thanks to the participation of Up All Night’s Rhonda Shear (who plays one of the party guests) and Return of the Living Dead’s Linnea Quigley (as one of the models).  However, even their presence can’t save this VHS relic.

There isn’t a whole lot of time devoted to the actual games, which is a little odd.  In fact, more time is spent on the comedic introductions to the games than the games themselves.  Most of these set-ups play like a slightly more risqué segment of The Benny Hill Show… or perhaps filmed versions of the comic strips you’d see in Playboy.  None of them are especially funny and have predictable and/or lame punchlines, which unveil the name of the game being played. 

The games don’t look all that fun either, which is probably why so little time is spent on them.  One involves contestants blowing a ping pong ball across the room.  The other is a race where participants hold balloons in between their legs.  Not exactly “Adults Only” stuff if you ask me.  There are some semi-dirty word games too and a round of naughty charades, although the humor is more of a PG-13 variety.  There is one obligatory nude body painting game and a part where a stripper gives tassel twirling lessons, but who can afford to rent nude models and dancers for their parties?  If you're planning some "Adults Only" fun for your next shindig, you’re better off sticking with strip poker than playing any of the games mentioned here.

PINK FORCE COMMANDO (1982) **

An all-woman gang of thieves are cornered by some Nazi villains in an abandoned farmhouse.  They decide to stash the gold they’ve stolen and split up, vowing to meet up in a year’s time and divvy up their shares then.  Double-crosses, hacked-off limbs, and lots of shootouts and swordplay ensues. 

Pink Force Commando was produced by Joseph Lai, and it is one of the stranger films he ever made.  Even though it was directed by Fantasy Mission Force’s Chu Yen-Ping, it very much feels like a Godfrey Ho flick.  Whereas Ho would take two different movies and splice them together, it feels like Yen-Ping stitched together half a dozen into a patchwork quilt of WTF weirdness. 

Some may enjoy the complete lack of sense and blatant disregard for logic.  Others will marvel at the audacity of having cowgirls, one-armed swordswomen, and superheroes standing side by side and doing battle with Nazis, Klansmen, and bikers while Spaghetti Western music blares out on the soundtrack.  While it is admittedly fun for a little while, the film frequently flies off in so many different directions at once that it never settles into a rhythm.  It at all times feels like a shit-ton of movies thrown into a blender and spat back out incoherently rather than a unique, madcap, and original work of martial arts cinema. 

I can’t fault the cast.  The ladies, especially The Bride with White Hair’s Brigitte Lin (whose character has more lives than a cat) and The Killer’s Sally Yeh dig in their heels and embrace their crazy characters.  I just wish they were working with a script that had at least one foot in some semblance of reality.  I mean I’m just as surprised as you that a movie where Brigitte Lin gets a machine gun for a hand somehow manages to be something of a chore to get through. 

AKA:  Pink Force Commandos.  AKA:  Ninja Fighters.  AKA:  Pink Force.

JAZZ WARM UP TO TRACI LORDS (1990) ** ½

After gaining notoriety as an underage porn star, Traci Lords effectively parlayed her fame into a lengthy career as a well-respected B-movie actress.  Since her rise to stardom occurred around the same time as the home workout tape craze, it was only natural that she would try her hand in the already saturated marketplace.  For many fans, this was one of the only ways they could legally watch Traci in a skimpy outfit doing suggestive maneuvers on the floor. 

As a workout tape, it’s admittedly pretty weak.  Traci herself was ultimately dissatisfied with the results and re-released the tape in a re-edited format a few years later under a different title (Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics).  However, for Traci’s die-hard fans, this will be worth a look as a curio.

Traci, Scream Queen Debra Lamb, and some dude stand around on a living room set doing stretching exercises and calisthenics.  The instructions are mostly in the form of Traci giving motivational “raps”.  (“Touch your toe to your ankle, to yourself you’ll be thankful!”)  Because of that, it’s not very informative.  If you’re watching this to actually… you know… work out, you’ll probably be disappointed.  In fact, you’d be better off just following along to her movements than her instructions.  Then again, she goes through the exercises so fast that I’m sure you’ll still have some difficulty keeping up with her.  (She looks out of breath about fifteen minutes into the routine, so I’m not even sure she was using this regime on a regular basis.)  It’s also annoying when Traci yells, “CHANGE!” to change your position every thirty seconds or so.

If you’re looking for a quality workout tape, this ain’t it.  (It’s no Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, I know that much.)  Since it features Traci in a tiny yellow sports bra and matching bikini bottom cavorting around, undulating wildly, and thrusting her hips on the floor, I’d say it’s still worth watching.  That said, there aren’t as many suggestive workout poses as I was hoping for, but there is enough rhythmic pelvic thrusting and gluteus jiggling here for it to skate by with a ** ½ rating.  

AKA:  Warm Up with Traci Lords.  AKA:  Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics. 

NUDES IN LIMBO (1983) ** ½

Nudes in Limbo is an artistic exploration of the nude form (both women and men are featured).  Director Bruce Seth Green’s aim here isn’t to titillate the audience.  He’s more concerned with seeing human body in motion.  (I can imagine this being show in both art and anatomy classes.)  It’s all shot in a very artsy manner and often looks like an ‘80s perfume ad.  In fact, the scenes of people lifting weights, working out on rowing machines, doing gymnastics, and hitting punching bags would’ve looked right at home in a Soloflex commercial if it wasn’t for the fact the models were naked.

Thanks to the ‘80s lighting, graphics, and hairstyles, it all has the feeling of one of those Electric Blue sequences played over and over again.  (Many segments feature models lying on top of giant light boxes, which kind of makes them look like they are in a tanning bed… or maybe sitting on top of a giant fax machine.)  Since it’s not especially sexy, it’s kind of hard to get too excited about it.  Even though there are many sequences crammed into the short running time (most are under a minute long), it does get rather repetitive in a hurry.

The main reason I watched it was for the participation of popular adult actresses, Scream Queens, and B-movie stars who briefly appear as figure models.  Shauna Grant, Michelle Bauer, and Linnea Quigley all appear in the buff, although they really don’t do anything particularly memorable.  Not only that, but Deadly Prey’s Ted Prior also pops up as one of the male models!

It should come as no surprise that the most successful bits are the ones that are, at the very least, vaguely sexual in nature.  The scenes of a woman standing under a stream of water and the shots of a model sensually caressing a phallic looking fluorescent light were among my favorites.  Green gives just about every nook and cranny its share of screen time too, as there are segments devoted to hands and feet in addition to all the butts and boobs. 

Even at fifty-two minutes, it all feels a bit overlong.  It probably would’ve been just right at a half-hour.  I can’t say it’s exactly boring, thanks to the acres of flesh on display.  It’s just that if it wasn’t for the participation of certain individuals, it would’ve been easy to skip.  I’m still glad I saw it.  Sort of.

Green later went on to have a long and varied career directing episodic television.      

THE INCREDIBLE PROFESSOR ZOVEK (1972) ** ½

 

Zovek was basically Mexico’s answer to Harry Houdini.  Throughout his career, he performed incredible escapes and feats of astonishing strength and agility.  He died way too young at the age of thirty-one while performing a helicopter stunt.  This was his first and only solo starring vehicle. (He starred in Invasion of the Dead with Blue Demon the next year, which proved to be his second and final film.)  He’s kind of fun to watch too.  Sometimes he’s dressed like Tonto from The Lone Ranger.  Other times he’s gussied up like a caped superhero. 

Zovek stars as himself.  He gets a premonition of a plane crash and sends his chauffeur and girlfriend to investigate.  While Zovek is busy performing his act in a dinner theater, they are kidnapped by the bad guy.  (I guess the supposedly psychic Zovek didn’t see that one coming.)  It’s then up to Zovek to rescue them before the mad doctor performs a fiendish experiment on them.

The Incredible Professor Zovek is really slow to start.  It begins with long scenes of him yelling at people and hypnotizing women, which kind of plod on and on.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, so I had no clue what was going on in these scenes if I am to be completely honest.  When we finally meet the villain, things pick up considerably.  It doesn’t hurt that his secret lair comes complete with a giant hypno-wheel, an open BBQ pit, and a torture dungeon filled with caged Dr. Moreau-style animal men. 

I also dug Zovek’s nightclub act.  He gets brought out on stage and is tied and chained up by guys in Lucha Libre masks while sexy women wearing bikinis and executioner hoods kiss him on the cheek before dropping him into a tank of water.  It’s not exactly great, but after watching so many wrestling scenes in Mexican horror movies, it makes for a nice change of pace. 

The fight scenes are OK, but they aren’t up to director Rene (Night of the Bloody Apes) Cardona’s usual standards.  The close-ups of the faces of the caged monsters leering from their prison bars are effective though.  The scenes of the animal men chowing down on bones is pretty cool, and the brain surgery sequence (complete with an awesome shot of a woman’s pulsating brain) is the highlight. 

So, if you can get past the talky first act, you will be treated to some decent WTF Mexican Cinema.  The last reel where Zovek has a melee with a mafia of midget monsters and duels to the death with a deranged dog man… well…  That’s the sort of shit I live for when I watch these movies.