THE BEACH BUNNIES (1976) * ½

Hollywood’s biggest rumor is that the hottest movie star on the planet has gotten a sex change.  When a reporter fails to get the inside scoop, his editor Elaine (Brenda Fogarty from Fairy Tales) takes over and tries to get the story herself.  Her plan involves going undercover with her three girlfriends at the beach where the movie star is vacationing.  She then sets out to seduce him so she can get her hands on the… ahem… hard evidence. 

Directed by Stephen C. Apostolof and co-written by Ed Wood (his last credited work of his lifetime), The Beach Bunnies suffers from an ungainly plot.  The opening scene that sets everything up goes on forever, and the long scenes of Fogarty driving are equally languid.  It’s one of those tedious movies where you feel like it should be almost over, but when you check your watch, you’re horrified to learn that only twenty-five minutes have gone by. 

It’s a huge disappointment too when you consider that Apostolof and Wood had previously collaborated on such classics as Orgy of the Dead and Fugitive Girls.  In comparison, The Beach Bunnies is a major comedown in quality in just about every way.  The only exception is the sex change subplot that harkens back to Wood’s first film, Glen or Glenda.  Some of the dialogue in the early scenes is reminiscent of Wood’s better works.  However, the dialogue found in the rest of the movie is decidedly lacking his usual touch.  I don’t know if Apostolof took over the screenwriting reigns halfway into production or what.  Maybe this just wasn’t up to Wood’s usual standards.  Whatever the case, the results are a thoroughly generic, forgettable, and most of all, boring affair.  (At least there is one scene that goes from night to day and then back to night again to remind you of Wood’s presence.)

On the plus side, there is an okay amount of skin for this sort of thing.  However, Apostolof’s handling of the various nude scenes and sex sequences is downright dull.  The beachy scenes are all predictable.  There’s the standard-issue bit where the editor fakes drowning to get the attention of the movie star, but naturally winds up being rescued by the wrong man.  We also get the obligatory From Here to Eternity-style sex scene set in the crashing waves on the beach.  Unfortunately, the whole movie feels like an eternity.  As bad as the sex scenes are, they do improve somewhat as it goes along, especially whenever Apostolof ditches the plot in favor of random scenes of the bunnies getting busy.  (The highlight is the gangbang on the beach.)  However, the long boring beach luau near the end pretty much ruins whatever momentum it managed to achieve. 

At their best, both Apostolof and Wood are capable of some truly amazing work.  Even on their off day, they can still cobble together some fun (or at the very least, memorable) films.  The Beach Bunnies is a rare effort that fails on all accounts. 

AKA:  Red Hot and Sexy.  AKA:  The Sun Bunnies.

THE SEX AND VIOLENCE FAMILY HOUR (1983) * ½

The Sex and Violence Family Hour was a Canadian television special made for The Playboy Channel.  It’s an adult sketch comedy show in the vein of The Kentucky Fried Movie, and since it was on cable, they could show a little skin (although probably not as much as you would expect).  It feels like it was meant as a vehicle for Murray Langston, who was The Unknown Comic on The Gong Show.  Unfortunately, he only does one stand-up routine and spends most of his time without his trademark paper bag on his head.

This would’ve been largely forgotten if it wasn’t for the participation of a young Jim Carrey who acts as the “host” (although he appears in just as many sketches as any other cast member).  Carrey’s knack for doing impressions (he appears as Ronald Regan in one sketch), weird characters, and generally acting over the top is already evident.  It’s just that the material he’s been given isn’t funny.  Because the writing is so weak, he works overtime trying to make you laugh, which only makes it more cringe-inducing.

The wraparound segments, where a pair of prospective producers go around to various networks pitching their new TV shows is kind of similar to Movie 43.  Their shows include “Eyewitness Nudes” (a naked news show), a film noir parody called The Big Salami, a game show, and a soap opera spoof.  Whenever things completely fall apart (which is often), they just cut to a random nude dancer, which was a good idea if you ask me.  Other bits include a Benny Hill-style fast-motion chase scene, Langston doing a lounge singer act, and an S & M cocktail party.

The Unknown Comic provides the only laughs when he takes the stage at the very end.  His set isn’t very long though, and the jokes, while funny, will be familiar to his fans.  The rest of the show isn’t funny at all, but it remains an interesting relic of the early cable TV era.

BLOODFIST 2050 (2005) ** ½

Before we wrap up the last of the Bloodfist movies, here’s a review I did a while back for Bloodfist 8:  Hard Way Out:  LEGENDS OF THE SILVER SCREEN: DON “THE DRAGON” WILSON - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Well, here we are at last.  We have finally come to the ninth, and so far, final entry of the Bloodfist franchise, Bloodfist 2050.  Sadly, it’s the only one without Don “The Dragon” Wilson (WKA World Kickboxing Champion).  Although Wilson did not appear, the villain of the first two movies, Joseph Mari Avellana, appears as the ring announcer during the fight scenes.

In Wilson’s place, we have Matt Mullins (Five-Time World Martial Arts Champion).  He’s no Don, but he’s serviceable enough.  Think Daniel Bernhardt meets Channing Tatum. 

Bloodfist 2050 is basically a loose remake of the first movie, just set in the post-apocalyptic future.  Instead of going to modern-day Manila to avenge his brother’s death, our hero goes to post-nuke Los Angeles in the year 2050.  There, he winds up getting mixed up in a martial arts tournament and goes toe to toe with various fighters in “The Pit”, all the while trying to find his brother’s killer. 

Although it’s kind of clunky and slipshod, I kind of admired the blend of post-nuke inspirations.  The opening scenes are a pretty good rip-off of Mad Max with a decent car chase through the desert.  (If it looks familiar, it’s because it’s from the David Carradine flick, Dune Warriors.)  Once in L.A., it turns into more of the typical Blade Runner/Escape from New York/Demolition Man type of futuristic scenario.  It’s all a mishmash, but it’s a fairly entertaining mishmash.  I mean nobody was really making these kinds of throwbacks in the mid-‘00s, so it was sort of nice seeing such an old school approach.

Luckily, whenever the plot slows down, characters congregate at a strip club, where there are a lot of striptease scenes.  The presence of Skinamax Hall of Famer Beverly Lynne (who plays the dead brother’s girlfriend) helps immensely.  Not only is she the best looking dancer of the bunch, she’s also the best actor in the whole movie.  Lynne also gets to perform several stripteases, one of which finds her covering her whole body with lotion before she rubs it in slowly and seductively. 

My favorite scene though was when she hit the stage dressed up like a naughty schoolgirl, which led me to wonder… do they still have schools after the apocalypse?  And if they did, would they still be a stickler for uniforms?  Or was her dance merely trading in on her clients’ former memories of what schoolgirls looked like before the bombs fell?  Like she was somehow giving them a comforting reminder of how things used to be.  Or am I just analyzing the ninth entry of an unrelated kickboxing franchise way too hard?

Bloodfist 2050 was the next-to-last movie directed by everyone’s favorite Pilipino filmmaker, Cirio H. Santiago.  (His final film, Water Wars was completed posthumously.)  As is the case with most of the entries in the series, the fight scenes aren’t that great.  However, what they lack in quality, they more than make up for in quantity.  Once Mullins arrives in L.A., he gets jumped by goons every five minutes or so.  After he hops into the ring, the fight scenes are equally as plentiful.  The short running time (seventy-eight minutes) doesn’t hurt either, especially when it’s heavily padded with completely gratuitous striptease sequences.  (Including one featuring stock footage of Maria Ford and Nikki Fritz.) 

The detective on the case gets the best line of the movie when he warns Mullins about a dangerous fighter:  “He’ll kick your ass before you have time to wipe it!”

AKA:  Street Fighter 2050. 

BLOODFIST 7: MANHUNT (1995) **

Bloodfist 6 found Don “The Dragon” Wilson (WKA World Kickboxing Champion) starring in a Die Hard clone.  This seventh outing is like a variation on the durable Wrong Man theme.  Wilson plays a Good Samaritan who rescues a woman (Jillian McWhirter) from some unruly bikers.  After he spends the night with her, she disappears without a trace.  When Don goes looking for her, he gets jumped by a guy, who he kills in self-defense.  Naturally, it turns out the assailant was an off-duty cop, and it’s up to Don to go on the lam to find the only woman who can possibly clear his name. 

The best of the Bloodfist movies are passable, enjoyable ways to kill eighty-six minutes.  At their worst, they are thoroughly disposable and forgettable entertainment.  Bloodfist 7:  Manhunt falls somewhere in the middle ground.  It is far from Wilson’s best work, but it is watchable.  The overly familiar plot and uninspired action sequences hold it back from being a worthwhile entry in the long-running series.  However, fans of Wilson will enjoy seeing him portraying another likeable character who is caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and so must kick a bunch of people in the face for eighty-six minutes. 

Director Jonathan (Black Scorpion) Winfrey doesn’t bring a lot of style to the proceedings.  Because of that, it sometimes feels like one of those “Action Pack” TV movies from the ‘90s.  He keeps things moving at an acceptable pace, although the thin plot often chases its tail (especially in the second act). 

Wilson delivers another fine performance.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a whole lot of support.  The only other name in the cast is 21 Jump Street’s Steven Williams, who plays the detective trying to bring down Wilson.  He does an OK job, but McWhirter makes for a bland love interest, and the villains are weak, which makes this Manhunt not worth tracking down.

AKA:  Man Hunt:  Bloodfist 7.  AKA:  Manhunt.

CELIA (1989) ***

Celia is a weird blend of genres, tones, and inspirations that really shouldn’t work as well as it does, but it nevertheless manages to keep you watching.  There are parts that will remind you of Monster in the Closet, Stand by Me, and To Kill a Mockingbird.  Even if it is a bit overlong and a little off kilter, it will still manage to stick with you long after you see it. 

Set in a small Australian town in the ‘50s, it centers around a nine-year-old girl named Celia (Rebecca Smart) who just lost her grandmother.  Things look up when a new family moves in next door as she will finally have some new friends to play with.  When Celia’s father (Nicholas Eadie) learns they are communists, he sets out to ruin their lives and turn the town against them.  Celia eventually joins forces with her newfound friends to turn the tables on her father. 

While Celia doesn’t sound overtly horrific, it is still an unsettling little picture.  The early scenes where she imagines monsters at her bedroom window sort of preclude the real-life horror that is to come.  Sometimes the monsters aren’t under your bed.  Sometimes you’re related to them.  There’s nothing that I would actually call “scary” here, but the scene where the hateful schoolchildren torment Celia’s pet bunny is effective and disturbing. 

Any coming-of-age movie that combines monsters, the Red Scare, anti-rabbit sentiment, and voodoo ceremonies was going to be a bit uneven.  Even when the pacing is dawdling, Celia will be rewarding to patient viewers if they stick with it.  It’s further proof that Ozploitation flicks are a good source of offbeat thrills that you just don’t find in an American picture. 

We had this at the video store I worked at in the early ‘00s.  I never watched it because the awful video box made it look like some sort of cheap knockoff of The Bad Seed.  While there is some of that movie’s DNA in Celia, it has a personality all its own.  I’m kicking myself for not checking it out sooner.

AKA:  Celia:  Child of Terror.

GODZILLA VS. KONG (2021) *** ½

It’s finally here.  The clash of the titans.  We’ve waited since 1962 for a rematch between the world’s two biggest movie monsters.  Lucky for us fans of Godzilla and King Kong, it doesn’t disappoint.  It’s not perfect.  In fact, it’s probably the third best of the four “Monsterverse” movies, but still one of the best films ever made that features either monster.

The 1998 Godzilla did not work because there was no subtext.  It was basically, “What if Jurassic Park was… BIGGER?”  In fact, the tagline, “Size Matters” was downright cringeworthy.  As if bigger always meant better.  The original 1954 Godzilla was a metaphor for the nuclear devastation of Japan in WWII.  There were no such metaphors in the 1998 movie.  The 2014 Godzilla however had the tragedy of 9/11 running through its veins and because of that, it hit a lot harder.  Even Kong:  Skull Island had a lot of Vietnam imagery in there to ground it in some sort of historical/cultural relevance. 

Even though it was made pre-COVID, much of Godzilla vs. Kong feels like a metaphor for the times we are living in now.  When we first see Kong, he is in isolation on a fake version of Skull Island, quarantined from the rest of the world.  It seems like a sweet deal at first because he can sleep in, let his beard grow out, shower when he wants, and just sort of hang out.  It’s only when Kong ventures out into the world does he realize, it ain’t safe out there. 

Despite the fact that Godzilla has top billing, Godzilla vs. Kong is more of a Kong movie.  The main focus is on the humans getting Kong to safety while Godzilla occasionally pops up to temporarily spoil their plans.  Eventually, the two square off in Hong Kong where the human villains… well… I won’t spoil it, but I’m sure you can probably guess what goes down. 

The film is as much of a throwback to the adventure novels of Jules Verne as it is a love letter to giant monster mashes.  The whole “Hollow Earth” subplot feels like a modern-day version of those old ‘70s flicks like At the Earth’s Core.  That old timey touch is sometimes at odds with some of the updated characters (an annoying conspiracy theorist podcaster is a major player), but it’s nothing that derails the movie.

Maybe the reason why the Godzilla plotline feels skimpy is because the Kong storyline is a lot more engaging.  The scenes with the little deaf girl (Kaylee Hottle), who can communicate with Kong work really well.  The stuff with Millie Bobby Brown and Brian Tyree Henry is a lot less fun.  Brown is kind of wasted here, which is a shame since she was one of the best parts of Godzilla:  King of the Monsters.  The human drama is always secondary in these things, and the film sometimes struggles with juggling the characters from the two franchises, but it’s hardly an issue when the monster mashing is top notch. 

The first battle occurs in the middle of the ocean.  It’s nothing too spectacular, but the scene where Kong socks Godzilla on the jaw will definitely have you cheering.  The rematch in Hong Kong is a thing of beauty though.  It’s one of the best monster mashes in recent memory.  There’s even a moment during the final brawl that manages to be a homage to Lethal Weapon 2, if you can believe it.  I never thought I’d see that in a kaiju movie, but that’s just another reason why this one is so much fun.

BLOODFIST 6: GROUND ZERO (1995) ** ½

In case you’re curious, I watched Bloodfists 3-5 back in the day when I had my old LiveJournal account.  If you’re wondering what I thought about them, here’s a link to the reviews so everybody can get caught up to speed before we get into Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero:

Bloodfist 3:  Forced to Fight:  BLOODFIST 3: FORCED TO FIGHT (1992) *** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 4:  Die Trying:  BLOODFIST 4: DIE TRYING (1992) ** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 5:  Moving Target:  LEGENDS OF THE SILVER SCREEN: DON “THE DRAGON” WILSON - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Okay, so let’s dive into this one:

Don “The Dragon” Wilson (WKA Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion) returns yet again for a totally unrelated Bloodfist sequel.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  Part 3 was a prison movie.  4 and 5 were kind of standard action flicks.  This one is squarely in the Die Hard in a…. realm. 

It starts off with none other than former Los Angeles Dodger Steve Garvey getting lucky with Angelfist’s Cat Sassoon (who was also in Bloodfist 4 playing a different character).  Even though Cat appears topless, we never actually see Garvey reach second base, but knowing his prowess at playing the field, it’s safe to say he scored, if you know what I mean.  Later, terrorists use bunny rabbits (!?!) as a diversion to sneak into a secret military base where they kill just about everyone and take Garvey hostage.  Just then, Don “The Dragon” Wilson shows up as a courier, who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Naturally, he winds up being the only man who can stop the terrorists from launching an all-out nuclear assault. 

Your enjoyment of Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero may depend on how forgiving you are of the Die Hard in a… subgenre.  I mean it’s no Passenger 57 or anything, but it gets the job done.  Although it’s a little low on action, and the third act is kind of dull, the familiar and dependable structure of the genre is durable enough to sustain it over the lulls. 

In addition to including many of the major cliches found in the Die Hard in a… genre, director Rick Jacobson (who directed a slew of Wilson’s movies including Ring of Fire, Night Hunter, and Bloodfist 8:  Hard Way Out) peppers the film with a few weird touches that helps propel it along.  The participation of Steve Garvey alone lets you know this is going to be a little different than the usual fare.  No one in their right mind would call this a classic or anything, but since this is your only chance to see Steve Garvey share a love scene with Cat Sassoon (in her last role), I’d say it’s worth watching at least once. 

The shit involving the rabbits is odd too.  I especially liked the scene where Wilson nurses a wounded bunny back to health.  You don’t get shit like this in A Good Day to Die Hard, that’s for sure.

There’s also a night vision scene that seems to be a gender-swapped riff on the climax of Silence of the Lambs.  While that may seem a bit derivative, the villain’s use of an elaborate mask predates the similar disguises used in the first Mission:  Impossible movie by at least a year.  While Jacobson may have stolen moments from John McTiernan and Jonathan Demme, he beat Brian De Palma to the punch on that one, so there’s something to be said for that. 

AKA:  Ground Zero:  Bloodfist 6.  AKA:  Zero Control.  AKA:  Devil’s Ultimate Weapon.  AKA:  Terrorist Weapon.  AKA:  Assault on Ground Zero.