FANNY HILL (1983) ***

Homeless virgin Fanny Hill (Lisa Foster from Cave Dwellers) is taken in by the madam of a brothel (Paddie O’Neil).  She sells Fanny’s virginity to an old codger, but she runs off with a young suitor.  When his father learns of the affair, he forbids the relationship, leaving Fanny to return to her life of sin.  Eventually, Fanny quits the establishment and winds up working for an upscale madam (Shelley Winters).  When one of her rich clients (Buck Rogers’ Wilfred Hyde-White) kicks off, he leaves Fanny a giant inheritance which allows her to reunite with her true love.   

The set-up is kind of long-winded and the stuff in between the nude scenes is mostly unfunny.  The budget is a bit higher than your typical ‘80s sexploitaton period comedy though, which helps.  The costumes are especially well done and make it feel like you’re watching a “real” movie rather than a bawdy Skinamax T & A flick.  

Fortunately, whenever Foster is front and center getting naked (which is often), Fanny Hill is a lot of fun.  Fanny takes baths, has lesbian encounters, and engages in various sexual misadventures.  One of her lovers has a horse-riding fetish, and whenever he doesn’t please her, Fanny resorts to seducing a young stablehand. There are also scenes of Fanny spying on other working girls, and even a little S & M thrown in there for good measure.  It’s a shame Foster only appeared in a handful of films because she has an engaging presence.  She later quit acting and began a career in visual effects, working on such films as Cliffhanger and Die Hard with a Vengeance.   

The supporting cast is a lot of fun too.  Oliver Reed is a hoot as the goofy lawyer.  His highly tweaked performance nearly reaches Nicolas Cage levels of weirdness.  Raising his voice to a high-pitched squeal, it often sounds like he was huffing helium just before cameras rolled.  (He kind of sounds like a British version of Popeye.)  I don’t know if the director just didn’t give a shit or if Reed was in the midst of a week-long drunk, but it’s pretty amusing to watch.  It’s also fun seeing Winters grinding out a paycheck in something like this, and Hyde-White is pretty funny as Fanny’s old rich john. 

AKA:  Sex, Lies and Renaissance.  

WITHOUT REMORSE (2021) **

Amazon had a hit with that Jack Ryan TV show, so they doubled down on the Tom Clancy by greenlighting this movie.  I’ve never seen the Jack Ryan show, so I can’t say whether or not it will be connected, but it definitely feels more like a TV show than a real motion picture.  That’s not a knock really against the flick.  It’s just that it doesn’t feel all that cinematic.  The overly familiar plot and underwhelming action only highlight that fact. 

Michael B. Jordan stars as John Kelly, a Special Forces soldier whose wife and unborn child are murdered in a hit intended for him.  He soon goes out for revenge on the people responsible.  With a set-up like that, this should’ve played like gangbusters, but Sicario 2 director Stefano Sollima just sort of phones it in when it comes to the action.  There’s nothing terribly wrong with it, mind you.  He keeps the camera still, which is always a plus.  However, there’s nothing here that will get your fist pumping.  

I’m a sucker for a good revenge movie, but somehow, it all just sort of fizzles out.  There are moments here that not only crib from Death Wish, but also Mission:  Impossible (the scenes where Jordan’s team members are bumped off) and Bronson (there’s a prison cell fight where Jordan single-handedly takes on a bunch of guards).  These moments are competently handled.  It’s just you’ve seen it all before and done better elsewhere. 

Without Remorse also pales in comparison to the other Clancy adaptations that came before.  Those films carried themselves with a bit more self-importance, even if they were just dressed up action movies for dads. This one drops the pretension, but it fails to deliver on the fun.   

Jordan delivers a strong performance.  He deserves much better.  His Fantastic Four co-star Jamie Bell also shows up playing a two-faced CIA agent, but he looks more like a geeky intern than a two-faced government official.  Heck, even the usually-game Guy Pearce looks kind of bored. 

I guess this is like the monkey paw version of an action movie.  Every time I see an action flick filled with jerky camerawork and ADD editing, I groan. Here’s one in which the action is captured in a competent and clear manner, but the film itself is inert and by the numbers.  It also doesn’t help that it doesn’t have a big finale to give its hero a proper send-off.  Make sure you stick around for the Avengers-style set-up for a sequel.  I won’t be holding my breath for it to come to fruition, that’s for sure.  

This movie has been in the works for a while.  I remember it first being announced around the same time Clear and Present Danger was released.  (Jordan is playing the same character Willem Dafoe played in that flick, and who was later portrayed by Liev Schreiber in The Sum of All Fears.)  If the final product is any indication, Without Remorse probably deserved to stay on the back burner.

IMPULSE (1974) ***

William Grefe, the man who made Sting of Death, the greatest Jellyfish Man movie of all time, directed William Shatner in a horror movie?  How am I just now learning about this?  As fun as a lot of Grefe’s down and dirty filmography is, this one just rocketed up to the number one spot as my favorite. 

The opening is legitimately off-putting and creepy.  A young boy catches his promiscuous mother making whoopee with a randy soldier (played by none other than William Kerwin from Blood Feast).  When he grabs the kid and tries to force him on his own mother, the boy grabs a samurai sword (!) and runs it into the john’s abdomen.   

That boy grows up to become William Shatner!  He is a modern-day Bluebeard who marries and kills for money.  When his latest girlfriend catches him with another woman, Shatner snaps and strangles her.  He then sets out to put the moves on his latest victim.  Her precocious daughter immediately knows he’s a loon and naturally, no one believes her.   

Shatner overacts to the hilt.  If you thought he was hammy on Star Trek, wait till you see him here.  He’s an out and out suckling pig in this one.  My favorite scene comes when he picks the daughter up hitchhiking and runs over a dog with her in the car.  The way he hysterically reassures her, “It’s okay, they lick their wounds” is downright amazing.  Seeing him regressing to a childlike state and blubbering, psychotically is a real treat too.   

Parts of Impulse are kind of slow and/or resemble a Made for TV movie, but it has a real nasty streak at times and a handful of memorable set pieces.  (It would make a great double feature with Scream for Help.)  There’s a great murder sequence set inside a car wash, an amusing scene in a funeral home, and the ending is a lot of fun too. 

It may not be perfect, but where else are you going to see Captain Kirk being intimidated by Odd Job from Goldfinger?

NEXT OF KIN (1982) **

Linda (Jacki Kerin) receives word her mother has died.  She inherits the old gal’s nursing home and decides to take it over.  Before long, the ancient residents start kicking the bucket.  Is it just old age, or is something more sinister going on? 

Well, you have to wait a LONG time to find out.   

Next of Kin (which should not be confused with the far superior Patrick Swayze action flick from 1989) is one of those slow burn kinds of horror movies.  While it isn’t very successful, at least director Tony Williams provides some rather dazzling camerawork during the slow stretches (of which there are many) to make the events seem more interesting than they actually are.   

Williams also cribs from everything from Diabolique to The Changeling to Don’t Look Now to ‘Salem’s Lot.  These little visual cues are fun for film snobs.  However, when they are pieced together, it doesn’t amount to a whole heck of a lot.   

Slow burns are a tricky thing.  If the finale comes off like gangbusters, all is forgiven.  On the other hand, if you don’t stick the landing, the audience will be asking for a refund.  This one kind of falls somewhere in between.  The climax isn’t bad.  In fact, there are parts of it that really work.  Ultimately, it just isn’t enough of a payoff to justify the slower-than-slow set-up. 

Part of the problem is the setting.  I mean a nursing home just isn’t an ideal location for a horror movie.  Why have a bunch of old geezers running around when you could’ve had this take place at a summer camp for nubile horny camp counselors?  I appreciate that Williams was trying to think outside of the box and all, but there’s a reason why the typical horror formula works best with sexed-up teens instead of crusty codgers.   

Kerin does a good job as the waifish heroine.  She kind of has a Nastassja Kinski quality about her that’s appealing.  John (Wolf Creek) Jarratt lends fine support as her boyfriend, even though it’s a mostly thankless role.  Neither performer is quite able to salvage the film though.  

AKA:  Hell House.

BACKSTREET JUSTICE (1994) ** ½

Linda (Crocodile Dundee) Kozlowski stars as a tough private investigator who is hired by the residents of a Pittsburgh slum to catch a serial killer.  She eventually discovers it is the work of dirty cops who are in cahoots with a shady land developer who is trying to devalue the property so he can buy it up at bargain prices.  The cops behind the plot just might also be the ones who disgraced her father’s good name years ago, which gives Linda an added incentive to bring the bad guys down.   

Kozlowski makes for a solid lead.  If you only know her from the Crocodile Dundee movies, you might think she’s been miscast as a karate-kicking vigilante, but she equips herself just as well as can be expected.  The supporting cast is a lot stronger than it needs to be, which helps keep you invested, even when the film starts to spin its wheels.  Hector Elizondo does a fine job as Kozlowski’s mentor, Paul Sorvino chews a lot of scenery as the stereotypical Yelling Captain, and John Shea is a sturdy enough romantic lead for this kind of thing.   

Backstreet Justice makes for a serviceable, if maybe a bit forgettable way to kill ninety minutes.  It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but it gets the job done for the most part.  Although things tend to get a tad plot-heavy at times (especially in the second act), Kozlowski’s feisty performance ensures you won’t be bored.  

Overall, this is slightly better than your average lady avenger flick.  Sure, it could’ve used a bit more action, a little less exposition, and a heavier concentration of exploitation elements to really put it over the top.  (Kozlowski does get a pretty good nude scene though.)  However, undiscriminating fans of ‘90s vigilante actioners should be moderately entertained by Kozlowski’s crimefighting shenanigans. 

AKA:  Dead Wrong.  

THE BIKINI BANDITS EXPERIENCE (2002) ½ *

The Bikini Bandits die in a car crash and go to Hell.  The Devil (Maynard from Tool) passes judgment on them and sentences the bikini-clad burglars to go back in time to deflower the Virgin Mary.  They then escape back to their own time and hide out in Amish country.  When an Amish woman’s son is kidnapped, it’s up to the Bikini Bandits (along with Corey Feldman and his army of Ninjas) to rescue him.    

The Bikini Bandits Experience is an inane mishmash of rock video vignettes, fake commercials (mostly products from “G-Mart”), faux movie trailers (like The Adventures of Dirty Sanchez), and stupid man on the street interviews.  There are also weird animated segments (that look inspired by Dr. Katz) featuring the filmmakers where they express their doubts that the project will ever make sense.  Trust me, it doesn’t.  This is without a doubt one of the worst pieces of shit I have ever seen. 

The perplexing cameos alone are enough to keep it from receiving a No Star review.  None of the famous folks involved are particularly good or utilized very well though.  I mean you’d expect more from a movie that features Maynard as Satan, Corey Feldman as an angel, and Jello Biafra as a porn director.  Or maybe not.  Then again, it’s the only flick I know of that features Dee Dee Ramone as the Pope, so it has that going for it.  As a fan of most of the name stars involved, it’s still pretty embarrassing in just about every regard.  (Feldman even expresses his regrets for accepting his role over the end credits.) 

The big problem is the ADD editing.  It’s all over the place.  It’s almost as if the movie was assembled by putting random scenes into an UNO Attack game and then spat out into the editing bay.  The upside is that it doesn’t stay on one subject for too long.  That’s good because the humor isn’t funny either.  It’s mostly tasteless, but it’s more annoying than anything.  It’s less than an hour long, so at least it’s short.  (Although it’s not nearly short enough if you ask me.)  

AKA:  Bikini Bandits.  AKA:  Bikini Bandits Go to Hell.

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (2017) *

The problem with slow burn horror movies is that there’s a very slim number of filmmakers who can pull it off.  When someone who isn’t a Polanski or an Aronofsky tries their hand at the genre, they usually fail to put their audience on the edge of their seat, and as a result, put them on the verge of a nap.  Here’s a tip for fledgling slow burn horror filmmakers:  If you’re planning on making a slow burn horror movie, MAKE IT OUT OF FLAMMABLE MATERIAL.  Without the burn, it’s just slow. 

Such is the case with Oz Perkins’ The Blackcoat’s Daughter.  The telltale sign Oz was going for a slow burn is the fact that the movie is told in nonlinear fashion.  Nonlinear plots are the slow burn horror filmmaker’s ace in the hole, mostly because if they told their film in a linear fashion, no one would give a festering rat’s ass about what was going on. 

The plot, such as it is, follows a pair of girls who are left unattended at their boarding school over winter break.  The rebellious Rose (Lucy Boynton from Bohemian Rhapsody) is supposed to be looking after the mousy freshman Kat (Kiernan Shipka), but instead, she sneaks out to break the bad news to her boyfriend that she’s pregnant.  Another plotline follows an escaped mental patient (Emma Roberts) who hitches a ride with a friendly couple (James Remar and Lauren Holly) who may or may not be the parents of one of the girls. 

The constant back and forth between the two plots gets tedious after a while.  The sad thing is, nothing very interesting is happening in either scenario, which really makes it a chore to get through.  What’s incredible is that Perkins manages to waste a rather stacked cast.  Remar gives probably his worst performance, as he is sorely miscast as the meek Good Samaritan.  Holly is given virtually nothing to do, and Boynton, Roberts, and Shipka are asked to essay paper thin characters. 

The Blackcoat’s Daughter takes a long time getting to where it’s going, and believe me, it isn’t worth the trip.  The body count is slim and the murders are mostly generic stabbings.  One decent puking scene aside, it all seems criminally underwhelming after such a long, dull build-up. 

Perkins went on to do another crappy slow burn flick, Gretel and Hansel.  At least that film had a folksy atmosphere to it.  This one could’ve possibly gone straight to the Lifetime Channel with very few edits. 

AKA:  February.  AKA:  The Daughter of Evil.