THE BIKINI BANDITS EXPERIENCE (2002) ½ *

The Bikini Bandits die in a car crash and go to Hell.  The Devil (Maynard from Tool) passes judgment on them and sentences the bikini-clad burglars to go back in time to deflower the Virgin Mary.  They then escape back to their own time and hide out in Amish country.  When an Amish woman’s son is kidnapped, it’s up to the Bikini Bandits (along with Corey Feldman and his army of Ninjas) to rescue him.    

The Bikini Bandits Experience is an inane mishmash of rock video vignettes, fake commercials (mostly products from “G-Mart”), faux movie trailers (like The Adventures of Dirty Sanchez), and stupid man on the street interviews.  There are also weird animated segments (that look inspired by Dr. Katz) featuring the filmmakers where they express their doubts that the project will ever make sense.  Trust me, it doesn’t.  This is without a doubt one of the worst pieces of shit I have ever seen. 

The perplexing cameos alone are enough to keep it from receiving a No Star review.  None of the famous folks involved are particularly good or utilized very well though.  I mean you’d expect more from a movie that features Maynard as Satan, Corey Feldman as an angel, and Jello Biafra as a porn director.  Or maybe not.  Then again, it’s the only flick I know of that features Dee Dee Ramone as the Pope, so it has that going for it.  As a fan of most of the name stars involved, it’s still pretty embarrassing in just about every regard.  (Feldman even expresses his regrets for accepting his role over the end credits.) 

The big problem is the ADD editing.  It’s all over the place.  It’s almost as if the movie was assembled by putting random scenes into an UNO Attack game and then spat out into the editing bay.  The upside is that it doesn’t stay on one subject for too long.  That’s good because the humor isn’t funny either.  It’s mostly tasteless, but it’s more annoying than anything.  It’s less than an hour long, so at least it’s short.  (Although it’s not nearly short enough if you ask me.)  

AKA:  Bikini Bandits.  AKA:  Bikini Bandits Go to Hell.