The problem with slow burn horror movies is that there’s a very slim number of filmmakers who can pull it off. When someone who isn’t a Polanski or an Aronofsky tries their hand at the genre, they usually fail to put their audience on the edge of their seat, and as a result, put them on the verge of a nap. Here’s a tip for fledgling slow burn horror filmmakers: If you’re planning on making a slow burn horror movie, MAKE IT OUT OF FLAMMABLE MATERIAL. Without the burn, it’s just slow.
Such is the case with Oz Perkins’ The Blackcoat’s Daughter. The telltale sign Oz was going for a slow burn is the fact that the movie is told in nonlinear fashion. Nonlinear plots are the slow burn horror filmmaker’s ace in the hole, mostly because if they told their film in a linear fashion, no one would give a festering rat’s ass about what was going on.
The plot, such as it is, follows a pair of girls who are left unattended at their boarding school over winter break. The rebellious Rose (Lucy Boynton from Bohemian Rhapsody) is supposed to be looking after the mousy freshman Kat (Kiernan Shipka), but instead, she sneaks out to break the bad news to her boyfriend that she’s pregnant. Another plotline follows an escaped mental patient (Emma Roberts) who hitches a ride with a friendly couple (James Remar and Lauren Holly) who may or may not be the parents of one of the girls.
The constant back and forth between the two plots gets tedious after a while. The sad thing is, nothing very interesting is happening in either scenario, which really makes it a chore to get through. What’s incredible is that Perkins manages to waste a rather stacked cast. Remar gives probably his worst performance, as he is sorely miscast as the meek Good Samaritan. Holly is given virtually nothing to do, and Boynton, Roberts, and Shipka are asked to essay paper thin characters.
The Blackcoat’s Daughter takes a long time getting to where it’s going, and believe me, it isn’t worth the trip. The body count is slim and the murders are mostly generic stabbings. One decent puking scene aside, it all seems criminally underwhelming after such a long, dull build-up.
Perkins went on to do another crappy slow burn flick, Gretel and Hansel. At least that film had a folksy atmosphere to it. This one could’ve possibly gone straight to the Lifetime Channel with very few edits.
AKA: February. AKA: The Daughter of Evil.
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