KEKKO KAMEN RETURNS (2004) ** ½

I’ve never been much of an anime guy.  However, the one naked cartoon I did have time for was Kekko Kamen, the superheroine who hides her face behind a mask, but shows her body for all to see when she fights crime.  (Sample lyrics from the theme song:  “No one knows her name, but everyone knows her body!”)  If you’re sick and tired of the recent glut of superhero movies, Kekko Kamen Returns, a live-action version of the cartoon just might be the tonic you’ve been looking for.  

The plot revolves around a girls’ swim team.  The head of an evil corporation worms his way into coaching the team so he can perv on the girls.  When he finds out one of the girls can’t swim, he puts her through a series of tortures.  Whenever things look bad for the girls, the nude crimefighter Kekko Kamen springs into action.  Wearing her trademark red mask and nothing else, and wielding her trusty nunchucks, Kekko kicks some serious ass.  

This looks like it had a lower budget than your average porno.  That’s part of the charm though.  While it’s way too uneven to be considered a classic or anything, there are some genuinely bizarre touches that demand respect.  Take for instance the use of flashbacks, which are shown in the form of a finger puppet show.  Or the fact that the villain’s sidekick wears a frog costume… just because.

I guess it goes without saying that the stuff that doesn’t hinge on nude crimefighting pales in comparison.  The long scenes of girls in bathing suits doing calisthenics and swimming are an OK substitute, but even then, the film has a tendency to repeat itself.  Even with a relatively scant running time of seventy minutes, there’s still a lot of padding here.  The subplot about the ghost that haunts the pool is especially befuddling.  

However, for fans of nude fight scenes, Kekko Kamen Returns is hard to beat.  (Even if they unfortunately obscure her nether regions.)  While some of the nude action sequences are a long time coming, they are often worth the wait.  In one scene, Kekko hypnotizes a goon by shooting light out of her pussy before knocking him out with her nunchucks.  The best part happens during the finale when she suffocates the bad guy with her vagina, a move that is appropriately called, “Muffication”!

I’d like to see one of the Eternals try to do that.

AKA:  Kekko Kamen 2.

ETERNALS (2021) * ½

Man, if you told me like twenty years ago, two world-class foxes like Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie were going to be in a superhero movie, I would’ve been like, “Sign me up!”  Unfortunately, instead of giving them a property that would've been fun and entertaining, like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, they get stuck starring in this boring, joyless slog.  

The Eternals are like gods from outer space who were sent to Earth thousands of years ago to oversee man’s evolution.  The only time they are allowed to interfere with his progress is when reject monsters from a SYFY Channel Original come out of the sea and wreak havoc.  Then, they can do superhero shit.  Flashforward to the present where the group has gone their separate ways.  After thousands of years, the SYFY monsters have returned, and they have to get the band back together to fight some more CGI beasties.  

Eternals is a rare misstep for Marvel.  It feels like their attempt to do a DC movie.  That would be fine if the Marvel brand of humor and spectacle still applied.  However, this is one of the dreariest, self-important superhero flicks I have sat through in some time.  

It doesn’t help that the characters have zero personality and derivative powers.  There’s a guy who can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes (like Superman), one gal can run real fast (like The Flash), Salma can heal herself (like Wolverine), and Angie is basically a warrior woman (like Wonder Woman).  Then, there are some team members who are truly Mystery Men-worthy.  One gal turns objects into… rose petals?!?  At least that’s different.  Stupid, but different.  One dude… builds… things?  Another guy’s big thing is filming everything with a camera everywhere he goes.  What is this, the ‘90s?  At least spring for an iPhone.  

Between the shoddy monster fights, we are treated to massive exposition dumps and flashbacks to ancient times that are supposed to I guess fill in the backstory, but all it does is make the narrative even more jumbled.  I know there was a lot of hype about the so-called superhero sex scene.  However, it is completely underwhelming and lasts only a few seconds.  I guess the point they were trying to make is that superhuman sex is just like… regular sex?  Or something.  I don’t know.  For all the talk, it’s not a patch on the superhero sex scene in Watchmen.  Now THERE was a superhero sex scene!

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½ 

CHERRY HILL HIGH (1977) ** ½

Five high school girls go on a two-week long bicycling trip the summer before going away to college.  While camping, they learn that they are all virgins and soon set out to pop their cherries.  To make things interesting, they hold a contest to see who can lose their virginity in the most original way.  To their surprise, their seemingly square chaperone (Linda McInerney) helps them on their quest to get laid.  

One girl hooks up with a shark wrestler who makes a lot of terrible shark puns before they do it in a shark tank.  Another picks up a motorcyclist wearing a helmet that winds up being Mary (Abigail Lesley is Back in Town) Mendum.  Later, she gives it a shot with a real man when she gives head to a race car driver during a race on a figure 8 track.  The French girl gets deflowered by a “ghost” in a haunted house (in a coffin, no less).  The teacher even gets in on the action by seducing the owner of a vineyard and balling in a vat of grapes.  (Lucy, eat your heart out!)  There’s also an odd scene involving a guy in a chicken costume at a Let’s Make a Deal-style game show.  The highlight though is when a girl gets it on with an “alien”.    

You have to deal with a lot of lame comedy and nature scenes in the beginning but stick with it.  It gets better as it goes along.  Whenever things threaten to get slow, there’s a topless swimming scene, a topless water fight, and/or plenty of softcore sex to keep your attention from waning.  

Overall, there are some good moments, just not enough to push it over the top.  I liked that all the girls stand around and watch their friends deflowered and give them ratings as if it was a swim meet.  However, many of the scenes are too dark, but that was probably the fault of the print I saw.  The dubbing is also so bad in the outdoor scenes that you’d swear it was one of those ‘70s German sex comedies.  While Cherry Hill High is repetitive (the recap of all the girls’ conquests at the end wasn’t necessary) and slight, it’s still fairly amusing and has just enough skin to make it semi-recommended.  

Director Alex E. Goitein was also responsible for the inane Cheerleaders Beach Party.  

KRONOS (1957) ***

Scientist Jeff (This Island Earth) Morrow tracks what he believes to be an asteroid falling to Earth.  It lands down in Mexico and he and his colleagues go and check it out.  Eventually, a giant box-shaped robot emerges from the sea, and it begins to blaze a path towards Los Angeles.  Along the way, it destroys power plants, gaining energy and strength, and it’s up to Morrow to stop it before it reaches our nuclear stockpiles.  

Morrow makes for an ideal lead, playing yet another variation on his usual upstanding scientist role.  Barbara Lawrence is a nice match for him as the love interest/scientist who keeps trying (and failing) to get Morrow to forget all that science jazz and take her to the movies.  John Emery is also strong as his colleague who comes under control of the alien visitor.  The scene where it hops from body to body and controls the human it resides in for its own sinister purposes probably inspired The Hidden.  Instead of a slimy monster that slithers from mouth to mouth, the special effect is nothing more than a light shining on the actors’ faces.  (Although when it dies, a bunch of liquid shoots out of Emery’s mouth, which is pretty cool.)

Speaking of low-key special effects, the robot is a bit of a letdown as it looks like a performance art version of a water cooler.  While its design leaves something to be desired, the havoc he causes is pretty sweet.  I especially liked the scenes where the robot stomps on civilians with its cylindrical legs.    

Directed by Kurt (The Fly) Neumann, Kronos is a fun mix of ‘50s Sci-Fi and giant monster movie.  It runs a tight seventy-eight minutes, and Neumann keeps things going at a steady clip.  While it never quite kicks into fourth gear, it is consistently entertaining, and fans of the genre should heartily enjoy it.    

AKA:  Kronos:  Ravager of Planets.  AKA:  Kronos, Destroyer of the Universe.

MODEL HUNGER (2016) ***

Debbie Rochon, horror’s most prolific Scream Queen, has appeared in over two-hundred-and-fifty movies.  Model Hunger marks the first time Debbie has stepped behind the camera.  Having sat on over two-hundred-and-fifty movie sets, she must’ve thought, “Hey, if they can do it, so can I!”  As it turns out she can do it just as good, if not better than her male directors.

Lynn (Cat People) Lowry stars as Ginny, a seemingly kindly old lady who likes to kidnap, kill, and eat people.  A former model, Ginny was forced out of the business when her age, weight, and looks became unsuitable to the men in charge. (I still think she looks hot though.)  Debbie (Tiffany Shepis) is Ginny’s new nosy neighbor who eventually catches onto her mischief.  

Model Hunger is exactly the kind of movie you’d think Debbie Rochon would make.  That is, it’s exactly the kind of movie she would star in.  It’s a low budget horror flick with gore and a sense of fun.  While the film looks from the outset to be just like your typical DTV horror show, Rochon (who also has a cameo) does imbue it with a couple of clever touches I’m sure her male counterparts would not have thought of.  (The edit to a victim’s curling toes while she is being tortured was an especially nice touch.)  I’m sure the theme of Hollywood’s treatment of actresses probably hit close to home as well.  Debbie’s handling of the squirmy finale is rather deft too.  

Lowry is clearly having a blast.  Imagine if Sissy Spacek played Piper Laurie’s role in Carrie and that kind of gives you an idea of the vibe.  I particularly liked her internal monologues whenever she picked up a prospective victim.  The highlight though is when she dons some sexy lingerie and tortures a dude and shouts stuff, like, “You fuck with our minds so you can fuck with our bodies!”  At nearly seventy, she still looks stunning in her skimpy outfit and can carve up her victims with the best of them.  

Shepis is quite good too.  She gets to display a rainbow of emotions as the grief-stricken neighbor.  It was also fun seeing the Galactic Gigolo himself, Carmine Capobianco as Shepis’ useless husband.  

Any fan of Rochon, Lowry, and Shepis needs to check out Model Hunger.  Aside from a few bits of needless padding (like Shepis’s dream sequences and flashbacks), this is a tightly wound horror thriller.  As someone who has always enjoyed Debbie’s work in front of the camera, I can honestly say I can’t wait to see what she does next behind it.

CHILLERAMA (2011) **

Chillerama was riding on the coattails of Grindhouse.  Instead of getting two movies for the price of one at a grindhouse movie theater, it’s four (short) films playing at a from-dusk-till-dawn drive-in.  Unlike Grindhouse, there isn’t any fake movie trailers in between the features.  Instead, we get wraparound sequences involving the staff at the drive-in.  I didn’t mind the teenage drama with a guy flirting with the hot girl at the concession stand, but the stuff with the necrophiliac janitor was a bit much.  

The first movie is “Wadzilla” (**), directed by Adam (The Dark Backward) Rifkin.  A mild-mannered guy (Rifkin) with a low sperm count takes an experimental drug to increase his semen production.  The drug causes his sperm to grow to enormous size, and it’s up to our hero to stop it before it tries to impregnate the Statue of Liberty (porn star Kelly Divine).

I like Rifkin’s stuff as much as the next guy, but sadly, this one is kind of a letdown.  The premise is ideal for something like this, but the whole thing feels rushed.  It would’ve also helped if it was actually funny.  There are some highlights though.  The scenes of the giant sperm wreaking havoc on the city play out kind of like the discarded ending from the Little Shop of Horrors remake, and I did like seeing Eric Roberts showing up in a cameo as a general.  

Next up is Tim (2001 Maniacs) Sullivan’s “I Was a Teenage Werebear” (* ½).  Confused teenager Ricky (Sean Paul Lockhart) spurns the advances of his girlfriend for the new leather-clad tough guy student, Talon (Anton Troy).  During a wrestling match, Talon bites him on the ass, turning him into a werebear.  Now, Ricky must stop Talon and his other werebears before they turn his class into a hot lunch.

This is an odd spoof of juvenile delinquent movies, werewolf films, and beach party musicals.  The musical stuff is the most cringeworthy element as the songs are all pretty lame and the staging is lackluster.  Speaking of staging, the whole thing takes place at a beach for some reason, even the scenes that are supposed to be set inside a school.  I don’t know if they couldn’t afford to film at a real school or what, but the wonky cardboard sets adds to the overall cheap feel to this one.  

The third “movie” is the hilariously titled, “The Diary of Anne Frankenstein” (***).  Directed by Adam (Hatchet) Green, it actually manages to live up to its title.  While hiding in an attic, Anne Frank (Melinda Cohen) learns that her great-grandfather was actually Dr. Frankenstein.  In his diary are the secrets to create a monster out of dead body parts.  The Nazis storm the attic and Hitler (Joel David Moore) kills Anne, steals the book, and creates his own monster (Kane Hodder).

This sequence manages to find the sweet spot between bad taste, over the top gore, and legitimately funny schtick.  Moore steals the movie as Hitler.  While everyone speaks German throughout the film, he talks in a made-up gobbledygook that just SOUNDS German, and the results are often very funny.  (At one point, he screams, “BOBA FETT” while the subtitle says, “KILL!”)  Kane Hodder also has some good moments as the Jewish monster who uses the menorah and a dreidel to kill Nazis.  

The final flick is Joe (Mayhem) Lynch’s “Zom-B-Movie” (**).  It starts out as a movie called “Deathication” about killer shit before the film breaks.  Then, a zombie horde disrupts the showing.  It seems the zombie janitor jacked off into the popcorn butter and turned everyone in the drive-in into zombies.  It’s then up to a small group of friends to try to survive the night.  

Your enjoyment of the final sequence will probably depend on your tolerance for the wall-to-wall gore and zombie effects.  While I got a laugh out of some of this nonsense (like the zombie breastmilk), it quickly descends into tasteless overkill.  (The zombies constantly jerk off and ejaculate blue jizz.)  I wasn’t really a fan of the Day-Glo zombie make-up either, and the constant references to other movies gets annoying after a while. 

Like most anthology horror films, Chillerama is uneven as they come.  The big problem is that it clocks in at nearly two hours, which is just way too long for something like this.  I think it might’ve worked better with two or even three stories.  Either that, or they should’ve just gone all in on The Diary of Anne Frankenstein and turned it into a full-length feature.  I would’ve bought a ticket for it, that’s for sure.

THE SNOWMAN (2017) **

The way people crapped on this movie when it first came out had me hopeful it was going to be some sort of camp trash classic.  I mean, Michael Fassbender plays a guy named “Harry Hole”.  That right there should’ve been the jumping off point for hilarity.  Unfortunately, nobody ever calls him out for having a goofy name.  What the Hell?

Harry Hole is an alcoholic burnout detective in Oslo.  His latest assignment is to solve a rash of murders.  It seems a serial killer is offing single mothers who all were once treated at an abortion clinic.  Predictably, Harry’s wife (Charlotte Gainsbourg) also becomes a target.  

The serial killing scenes aren’t bad.  Our boy uses an automatic cinching tool to slice off people’s body parts, kind of like in Dario Argento’s Trauma.  He also puts severed heads on snowmen, strews body parts in the snow, and leaves taunting messages to Hole.  He certainly had the potential to be a memorable screen psycho.  Its just that the movie itself is rather inert, murky, and joyless.  The snowcapped setting is picturesque, but director Tomas (Let the Right One In) Alfredson just never really cranks up the suspense enough to make it crackle.  

If The Snowman is worth seeing, it’s for Fassbender’s performance.  Sure, his character is a walking cliché, but he’s pretty great in it.  I liked also like Rebecca Ferguson as his young partner who’s just itching to make a collar.  I just wish they had a better script to work with.  Val Kilmer is also in it for a bit as another detective.  Sadly, his lines had to be dubbed because his throat was ravaged by cancer, and the weird voice they gave him kind of adds to the oddness of his performance.  J.K. Simmons also pops up and is criminally underutilized as a pervy philanthropist/obvious red herring.  

So, The Snowman wasn’t the camp classic I was hoping for.  Nor is it an accomplished serial killer thriller.  As it is, it falls somewhere in the middle.  If it wasn’t for Fassbender’s committed performance (and his character’s hilarious name), it wouldn’t even be memorable.