ETERNALS (2021) * ½

Man, if you told me like twenty years ago, two world-class foxes like Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie were going to be in a superhero movie, I would’ve been like, “Sign me up!”  Unfortunately, instead of giving them a property that would've been fun and entertaining, like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, they get stuck starring in this boring, joyless slog.  

The Eternals are like gods from outer space who were sent to Earth thousands of years ago to oversee man’s evolution.  The only time they are allowed to interfere with his progress is when reject monsters from a SYFY Channel Original come out of the sea and wreak havoc.  Then, they can do superhero shit.  Flashforward to the present where the group has gone their separate ways.  After thousands of years, the SYFY monsters have returned, and they have to get the band back together to fight some more CGI beasties.  

Eternals is a rare misstep for Marvel.  It feels like their attempt to do a DC movie.  That would be fine if the Marvel brand of humor and spectacle still applied.  However, this is one of the dreariest, self-important superhero flicks I have sat through in some time.  

It doesn’t help that the characters have zero personality and derivative powers.  There’s a guy who can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes (like Superman), one gal can run real fast (like The Flash), Salma can heal herself (like Wolverine), and Angie is basically a warrior woman (like Wonder Woman).  Then, there are some team members who are truly Mystery Men-worthy.  One gal turns objects into… rose petals?!?  At least that’s different.  Stupid, but different.  One dude… builds… things?  Another guy’s big thing is filming everything with a camera everywhere he goes.  What is this, the ‘90s?  At least spring for an iPhone.  

Between the shoddy monster fights, we are treated to massive exposition dumps and flashbacks to ancient times that are supposed to I guess fill in the backstory, but all it does is make the narrative even more jumbled.  I know there was a lot of hype about the so-called superhero sex scene.  However, it is completely underwhelming and lasts only a few seconds.  I guess the point they were trying to make is that superhuman sex is just like… regular sex?  Or something.  I don’t know.  For all the talk, it’s not a patch on the superhero sex scene in Watchmen.  Now THERE was a superhero sex scene!

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½