KEKKO KAMEN RETURNS (2004) ** ½

I’ve never been much of an anime guy.  However, the one naked cartoon I did have time for was Kekko Kamen, the superheroine who hides her face behind a mask, but shows her body for all to see when she fights crime.  (Sample lyrics from the theme song:  “No one knows her name, but everyone knows her body!”)  If you’re sick and tired of the recent glut of superhero movies, Kekko Kamen Returns, a live-action version of the cartoon just might be the tonic you’ve been looking for.  

The plot revolves around a girls’ swim team.  The head of an evil corporation worms his way into coaching the team so he can perv on the girls.  When he finds out one of the girls can’t swim, he puts her through a series of tortures.  Whenever things look bad for the girls, the nude crimefighter Kekko Kamen springs into action.  Wearing her trademark red mask and nothing else, and wielding her trusty nunchucks, Kekko kicks some serious ass.  

This looks like it had a lower budget than your average porno.  That’s part of the charm though.  While it’s way too uneven to be considered a classic or anything, there are some genuinely bizarre touches that demand respect.  Take for instance the use of flashbacks, which are shown in the form of a finger puppet show.  Or the fact that the villain’s sidekick wears a frog costume… just because.

I guess it goes without saying that the stuff that doesn’t hinge on nude crimefighting pales in comparison.  The long scenes of girls in bathing suits doing calisthenics and swimming are an OK substitute, but even then, the film has a tendency to repeat itself.  Even with a relatively scant running time of seventy minutes, there’s still a lot of padding here.  The subplot about the ghost that haunts the pool is especially befuddling.  

However, for fans of nude fight scenes, Kekko Kamen Returns is hard to beat.  (Even if they unfortunately obscure her nether regions.)  While some of the nude action sequences are a long time coming, they are often worth the wait.  In one scene, Kekko hypnotizes a goon by shooting light out of her pussy before knocking him out with her nunchucks.  The best part happens during the finale when she suffocates the bad guy with her vagina, a move that is appropriately called, “Muffication”!

I’d like to see one of the Eternals try to do that.

AKA:  Kekko Kamen 2.