QUICKSAND (2002) **

Michael Dudikoff stars as the new psychiatrist on a military base.  On his first day on the job, a patient babbles on about some big conspiracy before blowing his brains out.  Duds is then assigned by the general (Dan Hedaya) to make sure his wild child sexpot daughter (Brooke Theiss from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master) gets a Section 8 so she doesn’t embarrass her brother’s political aspirations.  Naturally, when the general is found dead, it isn’t long before Dudikoff becomes the prime suspect.  While trying to clear his name, he also must see to it that the general’s daughter doesn’t become the next victim.  

Quicksand reunites Dudikoff and his American Ninja 1 and 2 director Sam Firstenberg.  Those hoping for another potentially potent pairing will probably be left disappointed as this is more of a military whodunit with shades of a political thriller than an out-and-out action flick.  There isn’t much here in the ways of fisticuffs (Dudikoff gets jumped by a bunch of bad guys who steal his briefcase) and the big car chase basically devolves into Dudikoff spinning donuts in his Jeep in the middle of the desert.  The finale is weak too and would feel more at home on a Lifetime Movie than a Dudikoff/Firstenberg team-up.

Dudikoff isn’t his usual ass-kicking self, which is kind of the problem.  He more of the guy-on-the-run type of thriller leading man.  I’m glad the film offered him an opportunity to stretch his acting muscles a bit, but it would’ve been nice to see him at least punch/kick/shoot his way out of a jam or two.  Richard Kind fares better as the detective in charge of the case.  Kind isn’t the first guy you’d think of for a role like this, and his inspired casting helps to inject some humor into what would’ve otherwise been a boring and cliched character.  Hedaya is usually fun to watch, but he doesn’t stick around long enough to make much of an impression.  Thiess has a couple of nice moments as his mixed-up daughter, although the plot doesn’t really allow for her and Dudikoff to generate many sparks.  

ROBOT WARS (1993) * ½

In the future, a giant robot scorpion is relegated to being used as measly public transportation.  On one outing, the head of robot affairs stupidly allows a foreign dignitary to pilot the robot, and he predictably hijacks the automaton to use for his own sinister purposes.  In order to stop it, the robot’s original pilot Drake (Don Michael Paul) and a reporter (Barbara Crampton) have to find another giant robot that’s been hidden somewhere in the desert.  

Although Robot Wars is only seventy-one minutes long, it feels much longer than that.  It’s a sequel to Robot Jox, a movie I haven’t seen, but if this flick is any indication, I’m not missing much.  Most sequels would at least leave a couple of breadcrumbs to fill in audience members who haven’t seen the first movie.  This one doesn’t.  It just throws you into the deep end and expects you to swim.  I sunk to the bottom pretty quickly.

It also suffers from a bargain basement budget, a thin plot, and a hero who’s one of those arrogant, douchebag assholes that were all-too common at the time, which makes him hard to root for.  The whole thing feels like they started filming on a Monday and had it on video store shelves by Friday.  The crappy costumes, shoddy sets, and paltry plot wouldn’t have really mattered if the robot stuff was tip top.  The stop-motion effects are pretty good when you take into consideration the meager budget the special effects team had to work with.  However, the title Robot Wars is really misleading as there is only one robot battle in the entire movie and it is really brief and anticlimactic.  Robot Skirmish is more like it.  

At least Barbara Crampton and Lisa Rinna are around as eye candy.  Since this was strictly a PG-rated deal, their futuristic jump suits stay firmly on, and aren’t revealing in the slightest.  I’m not saying a little skin here and there would’ve won the Robot Wars, but it certainly would’ve battled the boredom.

AKA:  Robot Jox 2:  Robot Wars.  AKA:  Steel Robot 2.  

MORBIUS (2022) **

After suffering from a rare blood disease all his life, Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) performs an illicit experiment mixing human DNA with that of vampire bats.  Naturally, he tries the serum on himself and although at first it seems to be the cure he’s looking for, it has one nasty side effect:  It turns him into a CGI-faced vampire with a thirst for human blood.  

I like these comic book movies probably more than I should, but even for a dyed in the wool comic book fan like me, Morbius was pretty bad.  It seems to be a throwback to the cheap comic book flicks from the early ‘00s.  Even viewed through those rose-tinted glasses, it still comes up short.  If you enjoyed Elektra, Blade:  Trinity, and Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance, you’ll probably barely tolerate Morbius.  

It’s one thing for a comic book movie to be inspired by the ‘90s/’00s, but it still kind of has to do its own thing.  Look at The Batman, which came out just last month.  It was clearly ripping off the David Fincher thrillers of the ‘90s and ‘00s, but it had its own fresh spin.  Morbius on the other hand looks like a lost comic book film from the ‘00s that you might drunkenly catch at two in the morning on TBS.  There are bullet-time shootouts that look like they came out of a Matrix-inspired ‘90s action movie, a gratuitous villain dance montage that looks inspired by Spider-Man 3, a sequence where Morbius uses some sort of sonar superpower that’s right out of Daredevil, and even a moment that lifts directly from The Usual Suspects, but it’s like a hundred times less effective.  (Then again, there is a scene where he controls hundreds of bats, which makes him more of a Batman than The Batman, so there’s that.)

It doesn’t help that the superhero action sequences are lackluster.  The scenes of Morbius and the villain bouncing off buildings and punching each other in mid-air get old fast, and the finale is so woefully anticlimactic, you’re left wondering, “Is that it?” even well past the customary post-credits sequences (which are just hollow imitations of post-credits sequences we’ve seen in other Marvel movies).  The whole movie is like that though.  It rushes headlong into the next scene before it’s even properly developed an idea.  In fact, there’s a subplot where Morbius is treating a little girl who has the same blood disease as he does, and he is forced to put her into an induced coma to save her life.  However, we never find out what happened to her.  There’s no scene later on where he brings her out of it.  Heck, he doesn’t even mention her again.  It’s just another subplot that gets lost in the shuffle of the generic superhero action.  

It’s a shame too because Leto is committed enough to the overall Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde vibe of the character.  The best scene comes when he takes over a low-rent counterfeiting operation and turns it into his own underground science lab.  The part where he confronts the ringleader is entertaining, and if the movie had him fighting more street-level crime, it could’ve been fun.  As it stands, Morbius is one of the weakest post-MCU comic book flicks in recent memory.    

RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY (2021) ** ½

Milla Jovovich is one of my all-time crushes.  Because of that, I find the Resident Evil movies to be immensely rewatchable thanks to the fact that she spends most of her time in the franchise scantily clad and kicking ass.  Which is why rebooting the series without her seems so confounding to me.  It’s kind of like making Terminator without Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rocky without Sylvester Stallone.  Needless to say, I went into Resident Evil:  Welcome to Raccoon City with a sense of trepidation.  Much to my surprise, I found a few things to enjoy about it, even if it was frustratingly Milla-free.  

This reboot takes place in the late ‘90s (which means people use beepers and say things like, “What’s a chatroom?”) in the decaying titular city.  The skeevy Umbrella Corporation is about to pick up at take their multi-billion-dollar operation elsewhere, leaving the town a hollow shell.  Those left behind are forced to deal with the remnants of Umbrella’s latest experiment:  A bunch of zombies.  Soon, the infection spreads, and the last remaining human survivors must find a way out of the town before the company bombs it back to the stone age.  

Writer/director Johannes (The Strangers:  Prey at Night) Roberts brought a real John Carpenter vibe to the proceedings.  (Right down to the Carpenter-esque font.)  Unlike Paul W.S. Anderson’s frenetic action-heavy approach, Roberts favors building up a sense of dread.  While letting that marinate, he’ll occasionally pepper in a couple of humorous sequences set to pop music, which helps to alleviate the tension and keep the audience on its toes.  His assured camerawork combined with the classy cinematography helps to create a real air of atmosphere.  Even though the film drags its feet in places, it always looks and feels appropriately creepy.  Too bad the unwieldy running time (107 minutes) and lackluster third act ultimately prevent the film from really cutting loose.  Also, for a zombie flick, it’s seriously lacking in the gore department, so I’ve got to take points off for that too.

The younger members of the cast are rather interchangeable and forgettable.  Fortunately, Donal Logue is great as the asshole Yelling Police Captain.  He effortlessly steals the movie and injects the film with a little zest whenever it threatens to bog down.  I also liked seeing Neal McDonough (no stranger to video game movie reboots after starring in Street Fighter:  The Legend of Chun-Li) pop up as the evil scientist guy/Final Boss.  

I was never a big fan of the Resident Evil video games.  I was always more of a House of the Dead kind of guy.  I can’t really say how faithful this version is in comparison to the Anderson’s films (although it seems like they took some liberties with the characters), but taken on its own terms, it's a decent outbreak/zombie flick.  If Milla had been in it, it probably would’ve been in the middle of the pack of Resident Evil movies.  As it stands, it’s probably the fourth or fifth best one.

MARY, MARY, BLOODY MARY (1975) ** ½

Mary (Cristina Ferrare) is a bisexual artist who picks up men, drugs them, slashes their throats, and drinks their blood.  She finds potential love with a hitchhiking beach bum (David Young), but there’s always the danger her hunger might force her to turn him into a hot lunch.  Complications ensue when a murderer dressed up like The Shadow (John Carradine) goes around killing people in the same method as Mary.

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is a relatively low key, but moderately effective entry in the ‘70s lesbian vampire subgenre.  It’s not up to the lofty heights of Vampyres or beautifully shot like Daughters of Darkness, but it’s a reasonably entertaining chiller in its own right.  The highlight is the lesbian bubble bath sequence where Mary is brought to tears when she realizes she’ll have to kill her lover in order to survive.  

There’s also a great scene early on where a shark injures a fisherman and his buddies drag that fish out of the ocean, haul it onto the shore, and beat the crap out of it.  I’m not one for animal cruelty or anything, but I do like me movies about vigilante justice.  Imagine if they put these guys in Jaws.  It could’ve been Death Wish with Sharks.  

Ferrare (who was married to John DeLorean at the time) is pretty good in the role, which requires her to be seductive and tempting in her vampiric state, and sad and lonely in her artistic day job.  Speaking of day jobs, this is another one of those vampire movies where the vampire is a “real” vampire.  That means sunlight, garlic, crosses, and the like don’t have any effect on her.  She just needs to feed on human blood periodically to stay alive.  

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is more of a melancholy look at a lonely vampire life than a straight-up horror flick.  Because of that, the kill scenes, car chases, and run-ins with the stranger in black (who may or may not be Mary’s father) lack sizzle.  Had director Juan Lopez (Alucarda) Moctezuma been able to make these sequences crackle, it might’ve been a classic.  Then again, the fact that he made the quieter scenes work better in comparison says a lot too.  

In the end, it’s a toss-up.  If you want a balls-out horror flick, you’ll probably be let down by Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary.  If, however, you prefer a sad, bleak look at a vampire’s dreary day-to-day existence, it will be a somewhat rewarding experience.

AKA:  Mary, Bloody Mary.  

WOLF WARRIOR (2015) * ½

Leng Feng (Jing Wu, who also directed) is a sniper who defies a direct order and takes out a drug dealer.  He is immediately imprisoned but is quickly pardoned so he can become a “Wolf Warrior”, who are described as the “Special Forces inside the Special Forces”.  To get acquainted with his new team, Leng and the other Wolf Warriors go out on training maneuvers in the middle of nowhere.  Since the Wolf Warriors don’t have the benefit of live ammo, the drug dealer’s big brother sees this as the perfect opportunity to get revenge, so he sends his right-hand man “Tomcat” (Scott Adkins) and his team of mercenaries to kill Leng and his new comrades.  

Wolf Warrior has a simple, seemingly can’t-miss premise, but it’s a pretty hollow and cheap actioner in just about every way.  The action is rather dreadful, and the fight scenes are poorly choreographed and/or rushed.  It doesn’t help that we are saddled with a bland hero (who is a sniper, which doesn’t leave much time for a lot of hand-to-hand action) or the fact that we have to sit through a lot of gratuitous pro-China propaganda right smack dab in the middle of the flick.  

The cheapest bit comes when the Wolf Warriors find themselves surrounded by the sorriest looking pack of CGI wolves I’ve seen outside of a SyFy Channel flick.  I was kind of hoping Jing would’ve got bitten by one of the wolves and turned into a literal Wolf Warrior.  I guess that was just too much to ask for.  

Naturally, I only watched this because Scott Adkins played the villain’s henchman.  Sadly, he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  I will say that whatever pulse the movie has is courtesy of his presence onscreen.  Even then, his fight sequences are way too brief to make much of an impact either way.  Although he is afforded the luxury of a decent death scene, overall, his final confrontation with Wu is lackluster.  It’s bad enough when American productions waste Scott Adkins’ talents.  It’s even worse when we import foreign productions that can’t properly utilize his skills.

TRAILERS #22: HORROR/SCI-FI (1992) ***

Here’s yet another collection of horror and sci-fi trailers from the good folks at Something Weird.  This time, they are presented in chronological order (more or less), which is fun because it gives you a chance to see how the genres became more sophisticated (more or less) as time went on.  Everything from ‘60s Italian peplum (Goliath and the Barbarians and Hercules and the Captive Women) to drive-in triple features (the trailers for the “Orgy of the Living Dead” and “Certificate of Assurance” triple bills are once again trotted out) to ‘70s Euro-Horror (The Devil’s Wedding Night and The Vampires Night Orgy) to big budget fare (Alien and Flash Gordon) to slashers (The Toolbox Murders and My Bloody Valentine) to ‘80s comedies (Weird Science and Amazon Women on the Moon) are covered.  

The first half will probably seem overly familiar to those who have sat through many of these Something Weird compilations.  (I’ve seen so many of them that I can probably recite a lot of these trailers verbatim by now.)  If you stick with it, you’ll be treated to some great trailers from the ‘80s, which normally don’t pop up on these kinds of collections.  It’s fun seeing camp classics like The Stuff and Chopping Mall rubbing elbows with high-brow entertainment like Angel Heart and The Serpent and the Rainbow.  After watching so many creaky trailers from the ‘50s in these things, it’s a welcome change of pace to see something like Blood Diner and Tremors popping up here and there.  

It might not be the best collection in the Something Weird catalogue, thanks to the overabundance of reoccurring trailers in the first half, but the inclusion of ‘80s trailers gives Trailers #22:  Horror/Sci-Fi a personality that some of its predecessors lack.  Although some old school fans might be miffed by the heavy concentration of ‘80s films in the second half, if you grew up during that time (like I did), you’re sure to enjoy them.  While I would’ve maybe liked to have seen previews for a few more obscure titles peppered throughout, it nevertheless remains a worthy entry in the long-running series.

The complete trailer line-up includes:  Goliath and the Barbarians, Hercules and the Captive Women, The Deadly Bees, Thunderbirds are Go, The Orgy of the Living Dead Triple Feature (Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, Fangs of the Living Dead), The Murder Clinic, Creature with the Blue Hand, The Certificate of Assurance Triple Feature (The Corpse Grinders, The Undertaker and His Pals, The Embalmer), Private Parts, a double feature of Daughters of Satan and Superbeast, Sisters, The Devil’s Wedding Night, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Deranged, The Vampires Night Orgy, Poor Albert and Little Annie (AKA:  I Dismember Mama), The Toolbox Murders, Alien, Night Creature, Nosferatu the Vampyre, Battle Beyond the Stars, The Boogeyman, Flash Gordon, My Bloody Valentine, The Howling, The Loch Ness Horror, Terror in the Aisles, Weird Science, The Stuff, Chopping Mall, Return to Horror High, Angel Heart, The Night Stalker, Blood Diner, Amazon Women on the Moon, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The Blob, The Lair of the White Worm, and Tremors.