KEKKO KAMEN: SURPRISE (2004) ** ½

Kekko Kamen:  Surprise is the fourth and final entry in the early ‘00s reboot of Go Nagai’s naked crimefighter series.  This one revolves around a sexy secret agent who goes undercover at a music school to stop the nefarious teachers from wreaking havoc on the students.  Naturally, she isn’t up to the task, and Kekko Kamen must step in to save the day.  

As you might expect, the stuff that doesn’t involve Kekko Kamen crimefighting in the nude is a bit of a mixed bag.  I’m not sure why the filmmakers relied on the secondary heroine, as Kekko is more than capable of carrying the movie on her own.  At least the sexy secret agent gets one memorable scene where she teaches the students how to make music from farts.  

Even when Kekko Kamen is front and center, it’s still a bit uneven.  The various nude fight scenes aren’t much to write home about and are often poorly choreographed and/or way too brief to make much of an impact.  However, I did like the scene where she lured out the pervert professors by doing a sexy dance number from behind a curtain.  Her impromptu rock n’ roll version of the Kekko Kamen theme song during the finale is also quite memorable.  

There are also occasional highlights during the long, Kekko-less stretches, and the professors themselves are kind of amusing in small doses.  The bald headmaster is kind of standard issue as he has a metal claw and plays his students like instruments.  His assistant is pretty funny though.  He dresses up like Mozart and has students beaten whenever they chew gum in class.  The funniest part comes when he farts Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony in the middle of the cafeteria.  You don’t see (or hear) that every day.  

The rest of the humor is kind of weak though.  The constant use of the themes from Jaws and Mission:  Impossible wear out their welcome rather fast.  I know the movie takes place in a music school, but the joke ultimately falls flat (no pun intended).

AKA:  Mask of Kekko:  Surprise.  

VIXENS OF BANDALERO (1993) *

The sexy O’Shea sisters are reunited after their ailing father has a heart attack.  When he passes away, he leaves his failing ranch to the trio.  The sisters are shocked to learn the bank is about to foreclose on their home, so they embark on a treasure hunt to get the funds necessary to save their family homestead.  

It seems like that kind of a set-up would make for a fairly straightforward movie.  However, nothing about Vixens of Bandalero is straightforward.  The incoherent storytelling and slapdash editing make me think this might’ve been an abandoned or unfinished flick that was cobbled together and then (barely) released.  

It begins with one of the sisters at a typewriter telling the story before bouncing around to various random shit (including a babe relaxing in a hot tub) before the plot even begins.  Once she begins relating the tale, there are other sequences that don’t make a lick of sense (including a deathbed flashback sequence) that further clutter up the narrative.  Whenever things get dull (which is often), director Manny Esquivel tosses in a lot of gratuitous shots of the ladies scuba diving, which further bogs things down.  Then, just when you think it’s over, it continues on senselessly for another ten excruciating minutes.

The thing that prevents Vixens of Bandalero from being totally worthless is the fact that whenever the trio of sisters are together, the male characters will often fantasize about them dancing sexy, stripping down, or getting it on right in the middle of a scene.  Sometimes it happens during an important business meeting.  Other times, it happens during a Sergio Leone-style Wild West shootout.  

I wanted to do a tribute to Gilbert Gottfried, the host of one of my favorite shows of all time, USA Up All Night, so I watched an episode featuring Vixens of Bandalero.  Because of that, the version of the movie I saw was conspicuously absent of nudity.  I don’t know if the nude scenes would’ve changed the rating much (although there are plenty of scenes of the sexy sisters in bikinis and lingerie), but this is one of the most confounding, sloppy, and just play bad late-night flicks I’ve seen in a long time.  Gilbert’s host segments are pretty basic (he just reads viewer mail), but they at least made me nostalgic for the good old days when Up All Night ruled the late-night airwaves.  RIP Gilbert.  

AKA:  Vixens of Bandelero.  

DAMAGED GOODS (1964) **

Jim (Mory Schoolhouse) is going steady with his best gal Judy (Charlotte Stewart).  They even have plans to marry, that is if the new girl in town Kathy (Dolores Faith from such Mystery Science Theater fare as The Phantom Planet and The Human Duplicators) can stop making passes at Jim.  Naturally, Judy is a “nice” girl, which can be frustrating for a guy like Jim.  When Jim and his pals go to the sleazy part of town, he unknowingly picks up a case of syphilis from a prostitute.  Once Judy learns about his trip, she promptly dumps him, and Jim naturally hooks up with Kathy.  Jim eventually finds a sore on his pecker and goes to the doctor, who shows him a filmstrip about V.D.

Damaged Goods exists somewhere in the middle ground between the roadshow sex scare films of the ‘30s and the After School Specials of the ‘80s.  Unfortunately, for a movie about the perils of V.D., it’s much too chaste and straightlaced to be any fun.  (The scene at the strip club has promise, but it cuts away from the dancer just as she’s about to take off her top.)  At least the old scare propaganda was good for an unintentional laugh or two.  This is about as square and corny as you can get.  

The V.D. filmstrip even comes up a bit short.  Other than the unfortunate sight of a syphilis-ridden infant, there isn’t much here that would scare anyone straight.  The most memorable part is the awesome instrumental surf rock theme song by none other than The Ventures!?!  I don’t know how they got involved with this mess, but at least their involvement takes some of the sting out of the otherwise boring dialogue scenes.  (Maybe they were just doing their part to warn their audience about the dangers of syphilis.)  

Jim’s doctor gets the best line of the movie when he proclaims, “We’re not here to pass moral judgment… we’re here to stamp out V.D.!”

AKA:  V.D.  AKA:  The Secret.

THE GOLDEN EYE (1948) ** ½

The owner of the titular gold mine is marked for murder.  Frantic, he turns to ace detective Charlie Chan (Roland Winters, in his fourth of six appearances as Chan) for help.  Chan then goes undercover as a vacationer at a dude ranch to investigate.  Once there, he happens upon his colleague Lt. Mike (Tim Ryan), who also is looking into some of the shady dealings at the mine.  They decide to pool their resources and snuff out the would-be assassin.  

We were nearing the end of the line for the Charlie Chan series when The Golden Eye was released.  While it lacks the panache of the early entries, it’s still pretty good for the forty-sixth part of a franchise.  Directed by William “One Shot” Beaudine in his usual economic manner, the film has the benefit of a memorable locale.  The wild west setting and the scenes in the gold mine don’t exactly save the day, but at least they give it a different flavor than many of the Chan mysteries.  

As per usual with these late-era Chan films, Mantan Moreland steals the show as Chan’s faithful valet, Birmingham Brown.  The highlight comes when he tries to pack way too many clothes into a suitcase.  He also figures into the finale where he breaks the fourth wall.  This sequence is kind of odd, but it’s sort of welcome after so many drawing room deduction scenes that typically end a movie like this.  

While Moreland gets about as many laughs as you might expect, Ryan goes a tad overboard during the scenes where he goes undercover and pretends to be a stumbling alky.  His antics aren’t very funny, and he runs his shtick into the ground almost immediately.  At least Winters anchors the film with his commanding presence and peppers the proceedings with plenty of fortune cookie wisdom like, “Information sometimes very high-grade ore.”

AKA:  Charlie Chan in Texas.  AKA:  Charlie Chan in the Golden Eye.  

BABY DRIVER (2017) *** ½

Writer/director Edgar Wright tries his hand at the crime genre with the enormously entertaining and frequently thrilling Baby Driver.  

Ansel Elgort is the titular “Baby”, a fresh-faced getaway driver who drowns out his constant tinnitus by popping in his ear buds and listening to his iPod.  Naturally, the hardened criminals that comprise his crew don’t trust the seemingly meek kid, but he always manages to surprise them with his savant-like mastery behind the wheel.  Things get complicated when Baby falls in love with a waitress (Lily James) and tries to make his next job his last job.  As we all know from watching heist movies, the “one last job” usually winds up going south.  

Wright puts together a number of rousing action sequences.  The stunt work is terrific and the constant car chases are among the best in recent memory.  He also keeps the pace going as fast as Baby’s driving, so you never have to wait long in between the various shootouts and chase scenes.  Wright’s use of pop music at first seems a bit too cool for school, but that feeling dissipates once we discover Baby’s relationship to his playlist.  Seeing how the various getaway sequences synch up to the music is one of the many joys of the movie.  

It also helps that the cast is stacked with talent.  Kevin Spacey is quite good as the coolly sinister mastermind behind the heists.  Jamie Foxx has a lot of menace as the distrusting bank robber who doesn’t take kindly to Baby’s quirks.  Jon Hamm is also aces as the seemingly laid-back member of the crew who eventually shows his true nature.  It was also fun seeing Paul Williams show up in a cameo as an arms dealer.  

If the movie has a flaw, it’s that the love story between Elgort and James rings false.  It’s your standard Hollywood Meet Cute and all their scenes together feel hollow and manufactured.  In fact, the outrageous car chases are more believable than their lovey-dovey scenes.  James does what she can, but her character is almost painfully one-dimensional.  That’s a small qualm in the long run because when Baby Driver has its foot on the gas, it’s a lot of fun.  

DOGVILLE (2004) ****

A seemingly fragile woman named Grace (Nicole Kidman), on the run from gangsters during the Depression, seeks solace in the small mountain town of Dogville.  The tight-knit community is at first wary of her presence, but the town philosopher (Paul Bettany) asks the residents to allow her to stay on a trial basis.  He suggests she can perform tasks for them in exchange for their silence.  Grace is agreeable to this, but little by little, the town begins taking from Grace until there is nothing left for her to give.  

I know that plot summary seems vague, but the way the townsfolk of Dogville (pardon the pun) slowly show their teeth is one of the most effective parts of the movie.  At three hours, it would at first seem like a slog, but writer/director Lars Von Trier keeps things moving along at a steady clip.  If this was a quick ninety-minute flick, then Grace’s rise and fall in the community wouldn’t nearly have as much power.  The lengths the residents go to dehumanize her is often shocking and appalling, and yet, the slow descent into depravity is a real doozy of a ride.

The reason the film is so powerful is because of the overly theatrical presentation.  The set-up is very similar to Our Town.  Everything happens on a bare stage, with the houses in the town outlined in chalk.  That way you can see everybody going about their day.  Without the comfort of walls and doors, the secrets of the town are out in the open, and because of that, it’s only a matter of time before the townsfolk reveal their true self to Grace.  There is no way Dogville would’ve had the same impact if it was shot in a traditional manner.  The fact that the repugnant and shameful acts happen to Grace on a barren stage for all to see hammers it all home and heightens her humiliation.  

What Von Trier seems to be doing here is a clever facelift of Our Town.  While Our Town was about the kind of town Americans would like to think of as their home, Dogville, with its many secrets, pent-up hate, and malevolent aggression, is about the town we’re ashamed to talk about.  The flipside of Americana and warm apple pie.    

It helps immensely that Von Trier assembled a murderer’s row of talent to populate the town.  Bettany is good as the “aw, shucks” freethinker who is slowly revealed to be full of shit.  We also have Lauren Bacall as the lady who loves her gooseberry bushes, Patricia Clarkson as the schoolmarm, Chloe Sevigny as Bettany’s former flame, Ben Gazzara as a blind man, Phillip Baker Hall as Bettany’s dad, and John Hurt as the narrator.  As an added bonus, James Caan plays the sinister gangster and none other than Udo Kier is his right-hand man!  However, it’s Kidman’s brave performance that holds everything together.  The way she faces cruelty, abuse, and depravity, and still manages to keep on trucking is a sight to behold.  

A sequel, Manderlay, followed with Bryce Dallas Howard in Kidman’s role.

BLACK HORIZON (2004) *

A Russian-American space station that was built by the lowest bidder is now slowly heading into an unscheduled reentry.  Further complicating matters is a looming meteor shower that threatens to pummel the station into oblivion.  It's up to Michael Dudikoff to head a rescue mission and intercept the station before it meets with disaster.  

Black Horizon is one of those Fred Olen Ray movies where he was credited as “Ed Raymond”.  You know, the kind where he takes a bunch of action sequences from other movies (mostly Get Carter and Scorpio One) and THEN wrote a story around them.  That explains why there’s an unrelated car chase with Ice T before the credits roll or why Dudikoff suddenly decides to hop in a jet.  These bits are mostly there to pad out the running time.  Unfortunately, they are the best thing about the film.  Once the focus shifts to the astronauts’ fight for survival, it becomes a dull slog.  You can spot the sequences Ray was responsible for because they’re cheap looking.  I’m thinking specifically of the scenes where the astronauts try to repair the ship by doing a spacewalk, and the wires on their suits are painfully obvious.  

Even as a big fan of Ray, it pains me to say this is one of his weakest efforts.  At least some of his familiar cohorts like Richard Gabai and Robert Donavan are on hand.  They don’t alleviate the boredom or anything, but it is fun spotting them when they turn up.  (Ray himself even has a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo as a gunman who gets iced by T.)

Dudikoff does what he can with the thin material.  Although he gets the “AND” credit, he’s really the star of the show.  If anyone deserved the “AND” credit, it was Ice T, who mysteriously gets top billing.  Despite the aforementioned opening action sequence, all he really gets to do is spy on some shady Russians who don’t want the rescue mission to be successful.  Incredibly, these earthbound scenes are even more sluggish than the stuff in outer space.  

AKA:  Stranded.  AKA:  On Eagle’s Wings.