TUBI CONTINUED… BABY OOPSIE (2021) ***

Sybil (Libbie Higgins) is a sad, lonely loser who lives with her overbearing stepmother (Lynne Acton McPherson).  Her only comfort comes from making YouTube videos where she shows off her massive doll collection.  When one of her fans sends her the remains of the Demonic Toy, Baby Oopsie in the mail, she painstakingly restores it to its former glory.  Naturally, Baby Oopsie comes back to life and goes after everyone who’s wronged Sybil.  

I was not a fan of the Demonic Toys movies, but this spin-off really worked for me.  The secret to the film’s success is the deft way writer/director William (The Resonator) Butler grafted the loser’s revenge narrative to the typical killer doll shenanigans.  (Think Carrie Meets Child’s Play.)  By making you sympathize, like, and even root for Sybil (which is a testament to Higgins’ excellent performance), it takes some of the heavy lifting off of Oopsie.  That way, the doll is less the centerpiece slasher of the film and more a foulmouthed instrument of revenge.  (Also, with the doll not being front and center so much, it doesn’t wear out its welcome, which tends to happen in these sorts of things.)

That little twist on the usual formula made all the difference.  Instead of going after stupid stoners or horny teenagers, Oopsie’s targets are bullies, bitchy bosses, and wicked stepmothers.  It’s just more fun that way.  (To me, at least.  Your mileage may vary.)  After sitting through so many bad killer doll flicks from Full Moon, this felt like a breath of fresh air.  

Sure, the finale is a bit rushed, and the last twist feels kind of forced.  However, it’s really not such a dealbreaker when the rest of the movie is so much fun.  Naturally, Oopsie gets the best line of the film when she sizes up a doll that looks like Annabelle and says, “Conjure THIS!”

TUBI CONTINUED… IT KNOWS YOU’RE ALONE (2021) ** ½

While walking on the beach, Natalie (Brandy Dawley) finds an old nautical phone from a derelict ship awash on the shoreline.  She brings it back to her house, polishes it up, and puts it on display in her home.  Pretty soon, the phone begins ringing, and when Natalie answers, the phone is abuzz with ominous, indecipherable gibberish.  Before long, Natalie begins having nightmares about a faceless specter stalking and seducing her.  Things become complicated when her ex-girlfriend Sasha (Ali Chappell) shows up.

It Knows You’re Alone contains scenes of beautiful women walking around aimlessly, colorful psychedelic sequences, random solarized shots, and a cast of TWO.  That can mean only one thing:  It’s a Chris Alexander movie.

Fortunately, it’s a huge improvement over the last Alexander flick I watched, Space Vampire.  This time out, he imbues the film with a surprising amount of atmosphere and even a touch of dread.  While it’s far from perfect, he does a better job here capturing the surreal feeling of a waking nightmare than he did in his previous attempts.  There are even moments here where I would be so bold as to say they felt like something out of a no-budget Jean Rollin movie.  The sequence where Natalie pursues the faceless specter through the woods is particularly well executed.  

I'm not saying It Knows You’re Alone is great or anything.  There are stretches that feel padded out (even though the film is only forty-six minutes), and the identity of the ghost is a foregone conclusion.  However, I like the fact that Alexander keeps essentially remaking the same movie again and again.  He’s got a passion for dreamlike scenes of hot babes wandering around in a trance, and by God, he’s gonna keep making pictures that reflect that obsession.  I admire that.  I guess if he keeps making them, I’ll keep watching them.  

THE 16TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Well, folks.  It’s Valentine’s Day.  And what better way to celebrate our love of the movies than to announce the nominees for The 16th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  It was a pretty wild year at the movies, filled with many highs and several lows.  Who will take home the gold this year?  Let’s take a look at the nominees…

BEST MOVIE

The Banshees of Inisherin

Crimes of the Future

Elvis

Pearl

Top Gun:  Maverick

WORST MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Hellraiser

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST DIRECTOR

David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future

Joseph Kosinski for Top Gun:  Maverick

Baz Luhrmann for Elvis

Martin McDonagh for The Banshees of Insherin

Ti West for Pearl and X

BEST ACTOR

Austin Butler in Elvis

Tom Cruise in Top Gun:  Maverick

Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin

Brendan Gleeson in The Banshees of Inisherin

Viggo Mortensen in Crimes of the Future

BEST ACTRESS

Kerry Condon in The Banshees of Inisherin

Mia Goth in Pearl

Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future

Anya Taylor-Joy in The Menu

Naomi Watts in Goodnight Mommy

BEST ACTION MOVIE

The Batman

Bullet Train

The Northman

Thor:  Love and Thunder 

Top Gun:  Maverick

BEST COMEDY

Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Clerks 3

Day Shift

Giantess Battle Attack!

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Dark Glasses

Dashcam

Day Shift

Piranha Women

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Hellraiser

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST HORROR MOVIE

Crimes of the Future

The Menu

Pearl

Smile

X

WORST HORROR MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Hellraiser

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death

Terror Train 2

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST HORROR SEQUEL

Halloween Ends

Jurassic World:  Dominion 

Orphan:  First Kill

Scream

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

BEST HORROR LEGACY SEQUEL

Halloween Ends

Jurassic World:  Dominion

Scream

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

BEST SEQUEL

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Clerks 3

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

Thor:  Love and Thunder 

Top Gun:  Maverick

WORST SEQUEL

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Giantess Attack vs. Mecha-Fembot

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death

Terror Train 2

BEST SEQUEL SUBTITLE

Do the Universe

First Kill

In the Multiverse of Madness

Plantasm

Vs. Mecha-Fembot 

BEST DIALOGUE 

Crimes of the Future for “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way.”

Crimes of the Future for “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex.”

Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”

Crimes of the Future for “There’s no crime like the present!”

Crimes of the Future for “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open.”

I hope to reveal the winners on or around March 1st.  Remember, it’s not all about winning.  For many, it’s a thrill to be nominated.  But, yeah, it’s kind of all about winning.  Check back soon for the results!

TUBI CONTINUED… SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 (2022) ** ½

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is one of my favorite cult classics of the ‘80s.  There have been rumors of a sequel for years (Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death was more of a rip-off than a true sequel), but after more than a third of a century, it’s finally here.  (Behind the scenes problems ranging from everything from COVID to original director David DeCoteau quitting pushed the release date back even further.)  Was it worth the wait?  Yes and no.  

A new crop of sorority girls are being initiated on pledge night.  Their task is to steal the same bowling trophy from the same bowling alley that the sorority babes tried to steal thirty years ago.  It doesn’t take long for history to repeat itself as the sisters (along with some nerdy boys who’ve tagged along) accidentally break the trophy and unleash an evil Imp (along with two sorority girl ghosts who’ve been trapped in there for three decades).  The mischievous menace promises to grant them all wishes that predictably backfire with deadly results.  

Let’s start with the unfortunate news first.  (I hesitate to say, “bad news” because the movie itself isn’t “bad”, it merely fails to live up to the lofty heights of the original.)  DeCoteau’s absence behind the camera is felt as the film lacks the loosey-goosey charm and anything-goes vibe of the first film.  Original starlet, Brinke Stevens is at the helm this time, and while I’m glad she is getting an opportunity to direct, she doesn’t quite have the same magic DeCoteau had.  

Speaking of Stevens, it’s fun to see her and Michelle Bauer returning from the original as sort of badly green-screened Jedi Force Ghosts who hang around the bowling alley and make snide commentary on the action.  I wish they were utilized a bit more, but I loved having another opportunity to see them in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama again, however briefly.  Unfortunately, the presence of original star, Linnea Quigley is sorely missed.  Stevens, Bauer, and Quigley are the ultimate triumvirate of 80’s Scream Queens, and to break up the trio is kind of a bummer.  While I enjoyed seeing Kelli (Night of the Comet) Maroney showing up as Quigley’s sister, it’s obvious the role was written with Quigley in mind.  

Another debit (which isn’t Stevens’ fault) is that the version I saw on Tubi had most of the nudity obscured or cropped out.  I hate it when Full Moon does this.  While it kind of recreates the experience of watching edited-for-television B movies on USA’s Up All Night or Commander USA’s Groovie Movies, it’s still kind of a bummer.  Honestly, there’s no reason to show edited movies on a streaming service.  

Okay, now I got all that off my chest, Sorority Babes 2 is still kinda fun.  It’s about 50% remake and 50% sequel, which is more of an observation than a criticism.  I mean, if you already did it perfectly the first time, there’s no reason to fuck with the formula.  

Like most of the recent crop of Full Moon movies, it’s only an hour long.  The best thing I can say about Brinke’s direction is that she paced this sucker like lightning.  She wastes no time getting the Sorority Babes to the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and once they arrive there, the shit hits the proverbial fan soon after.  The scenes where the sorority babes’ wishes backfire are hit-and-miss, but when they do hit, the results, while predictable, are still very funny.  (Like when the one guy wishes for a “shit ton of money”.)  

As far as thirty-four-years later legacy sequels to ‘80s cable staples go, I’m sure you could do a lot worse than Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2.  While it may not live up to the original, it’s pleasantly diverting enough.  I just hope they don’t wait another thirty-four years to make the next one.

THE FRENCH DISPATCH (2021) **

I’ve been a Wes Anderson fan ever since I first saw his debut feature, Bottle Rocket on cable back in the ‘90s.  Although that film remains my personal favorite, I’ve loved each and every movie he’s made since.  Until now.  I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.  

That’s not to say The French Dispatch is necessarily bad.  In fact, there is a lot to like about it (especially in the first half).  However, once the movie goes off the rails, it never recovers.  

Anderson has a wonderfully idiosyncratic style.  The best thing I can say for The French Dispatch is that no one else would’ve ever thought to make a movie like this.  Every bit of every frame just screams, “Wes Anderson” (in neatly typewritten font).  Since he is one of the most unique directors working today, it seems less than chivalrous to call the film “self-indulgent”.  I mean, why become a filmmaker if the films you make don’t allow you to indulge yourself creatively?  

I guess what I am getting at is that this is, for good or ill, the most Wes Anderson movie Wes Anderson ever made.  That sounds like a good idea, and I’m sure there were many other people that were a lot more taken with it than me, but this is the first time his precious style, just-so dialogue phrasings, and delicate set design made me want to pull my hair out.  I think if someone reigned him in a bit and tightened up the film, stripping it of its more Andersony-for-Andersony’s-sake passages, it might’ve worked.  

The French Dispatch is essentially an anthology movie.  Like most anthologies, the quality of the stories varies.  That said, this might be the most uneven anthology ever made.  

Essentially, the film is a filmed version of three stories (plus a prologue and an epilogue) appearing in the final issue of the titular magazine.  The prologue, featuring Owen Wilson is a lot of fun and sets things up on the right note.  (I especially liked the part with the roving gangs of choirboys “half-drunk on the blood of Christ”.)  The first story, in which a prisoner (Benicio del Toro) becomes an art sensation when he paints a nude portrait of his guard (Lea Seydoux), is charming enough, if a bit slight.

The last two stories, on the other hand, are a chore.  The second tale, in particular, is deadly dull and devoid of laughs, heart, or charm.  It’s in this section where a reporter (Frances McDormand) falls for a teenage rebel (Timothee Chalamet) and helps him to rewrite his manifesto.  It doesn’t help that Chalamet’s acting style is an ill fit for Anderson’s dainty form of world-building, or that McDormand (who is usually brilliant), just sort of sits there stone-faced without much of a character to play.  

The final story, which involves Jeffrey Wright relating his coverage of a kidnapping plot, is only slightly better.  However, Anderson’s constant digressions, arbitrary switching of styles (from color to black and white to animation), and odd framework choices (Wright tells the story verbatim while appearing on a talk show) strangle the life out of the tale before it can ever really begin.  It’s also unfortunate that the cast (save for Bill Murray as the editor, Tilda Swinton as an art critic, and Wilson) are mostly wasted.  

Wes Anderson apparently modeled The French Dispatch on The New Yorker.  If the film was indeed a magazine, I would cancel my subscription.  

AKA:  The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun.  

TUBI CONTINUED… SPACE VAMPIRE (2020) NO STARS

A sexy Space Vampire (Ali Chappell) comes to Earth and slowly (emphasis on SLOWLY) walks around in a skintight black latex catsuit, taking in her new surroundings.  Sometimes she walks around outside in the snow.  Other times she ambles inside a mansion.  When she does finally chow down on a victim, she must wash all the blood off her by taking a shower.  (Nothing is shown, dammit.)  Eventually, she goes home.

Space Vampire was released in 2020.  I don’t know if it was made during the early days of COVID and director Chris Alexander only had himself, one actress, and a camera at his disposal and decided, “Pandemic be damned!  We’re making a movie!”  If that was indeed the case, I applaud him for trying to produce a movie in one of the most trying times in human history.  Sadly, this is one of the most trying movies ever produced in human history.

The music in the opening is really annoying.  It sounds like a dot matrix printer running off an end-of-the-year report while sitting on top of an overloaded washing machine with the drum missing.   During the scenes of the Space Vampire wandering around, the music becomes a series of long, droning sounds that would be the perfect soundtrack to cure insomnia.  

Space Vampire is pointlessly slow and needlessly arty for something called Space Vampire.  (Alexander did a much better job with the whole grindhouse meets arthouse thing the next year with Scream of the Blind Dead.)  Then, there are the shots that are so overly solarized that you can’t tell what the hell you’re looking at.  It almost looks like Alexander filmed his computer’s screensaver and tried to pass it off as scenes for a movie.  

The shots of Chappell sitting on a couch while pink and red light flashes on her go on forever too.  It’s here where you can kind of see what Alexander was going for:  A zero-budget version of Neon Demon.  It’s a good idea, but it totally doesn’t work.

It's hard to screw up a movie called Space Vampire, but somehow Alexander did it.  I guess the problem was it’s closer to Under the Skin than Lifeforce.  Mathilda May would not approve.

FRANCO FEBRUARY: SINFONIA EROTICA (1980) *** ½

Lady Martine (Lina Romay) comes home to her mansion after an extended stay in the nuthouse.  Upon her return, she is shocked to learn her husband, the Marquis, has now shacked up with a young man who caters to all his whims.  One day, the duo finds an unconscious nun on the road, and they bring her home and have their way with her.  When the Marquis spurns his wife’s advances, she runs to seek solace in the arms of the nun.  Once the Marquis learns from his wife’s doctor that any kind of excitement will further disturb her and sex will probably kill her, he and his two lovers set out to drive her out of her mind.  

With Jess Franco at the helm working from a story by Marquis de Sade, you know you’re in for a good time.  Sinfonia Erotica contains all the ribaldry, debauchery, and just plain sleaze you’d expect from a de Sade adaptation directed by Franco.  Sure, it’s another one of those “Let’s Drive Someone Crazy and Steal Their Money” movies, but it’s got to be the kinkiest one I have ever seen in the subgenre.  It even contains some surprising gay and bisexual scenes, which are only fitting, I suppose.  I mean Franco had directed hundreds of lesbian scenes by this point in his career.  Fair is fair.  What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, after all.

Romay is excellent as the mentally unstable lady of the house.  (Who unfortunately is saddled with a bad blonde wig.)  The scene where she prays to Jesus (Christ, not Franco) that her husband will finally fuck her is especially powerful.  Hemingway is also captivating as the young nun who is slowly transformed into a manipulative nympho.

What makes Sinfonia Erotica an upper-tier Franco offering is that it even manages to keep your attention during the smut-free sections.  Franco employs effective use of long shadows, odd camera angles, and echo-y sound effects to enhance the feeling of Romay’s fragile state of mind.  He also gets a lot of mileage from the Franz Liszt score, which evocatively sets the mood. Sure, the ending is predictable, and the pacing drags here and there, but the sex scenes (especially the ones featuring Romay) are steamy.

We have a few Jess signatures at play here.  There are all the slow camera pans and zooms to nothing in particular that you’ve come to expect.  This was also yet another movie based on a story by Marquis de Sade (see also Justine and Eugenie) and there’s a bit of nunsploitation in there too.  As far as Franco’s stock player company, there’s of course, his muse, Lina Romay as well as Susan (Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun) Hemingway, who yet again plays a sexy nun.  

AKA:  Erotic Symphony.