TUBI CONTINUED… BLONDE SAVAGE (1947) ** ½

Steve (Leif Erickson) is a pilot who gets hired to come to Africa and map out an uncharted jungle area so his crooked employer Harper (Douglass Dumbrille) can find a mysterious tribe.  Problems arise when Harper learns Steve is the ex-lover of his trophy wife (Veda Ann Borg).  When Steve’s plane crashes in the jungle, he and his pal Hoppy (Frank Jenks) are taken prisoner by the tribe who force them to face their leader, the beautiful blonde bombshell Meelah (Gale Sherwood).  Naturally, Meelah and Steve fall in love, and he helps her get revenge on the man who murdered her parents years ago.  (SPOILER FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NEVER SEEN A JUNGLE MOVIE FROM THE ‘40S:  It’s Harper.)

Blonde Savage starts out with a terrific hook.  Steve enters a lawyer’s office and announces he needs someone to defend him on murder charges.  The only thing is:  The murder hasn’t been committed yet.  If the police let Harper go free, Steve will gun him down in cold blood.  Then, we go into a flashback that takes up the bulk of the movie that explains Steve’s hatred towards Harper.  It’s a neat little device that helps separate the movie from the glut of similarly themed genre pictures of the era.  Honestly it was probably only there to pad out the running time to feature length.  

Heck, even though the film is only an hour long, it still has a tendency to drag here and there.  The print is jumpy too, which can be annoying, but I enjoyed it for what it was:  A (slightly) better than average jungle picture.  As such, it won’t win over any new fans, and it doesn’t have as much stock footage as you might expect.  That said, if you’re old enough to remember the days when crap like this played on TV non-stop (like me), you may get a kick out of it.

BIRDEMIC 3 – SEA EAGLE (2022) ***

Birdemic 3 – Sea Eagle has a new leading man in Evan (Ryan Lord), but it’s the same old story.  He walks around aimlessly before awkwardly hitting on a girl (Julia Culbert) who instantly accepts a date with him.  On the date, he talks incessantly about himself and his job (he sells anti-aging skin cream) and how he routinely makes multi-million-dollar sales.  Together, they have long romantic interludes where they walk around and talk to strangers, most of whom spout off about global warning (and for a change of pace for the series, wildfires).  Eventually, the happy couple dance for the longest time imaginable.  Naturally, their bliss is ruined when more birds attack.  Then, it’s time to randomly find some guns, grab some coat hangers, and battle killer birds.  

Yes, everything that happened before in Birdemic:  Shock and Terror and Birdemic 2:  The Resurrection happens again in Birdemic 3 – Sea Eagle, and I for one, wouldn’t have it any other way.  I will say that some of the bloom is off the rose now.  Part of the reason this one doesn’t quite match its predecessors is that the birds don’t attack until the last twenty-five minutes or so of the movie.  Previously, writer/director James Nguyen gave us a 50/50 split of cheesy romance and bad bird effects.  This one is more like 70/30.

That said, Nguyen delivers what we’ve come to expect from a Birdemic movie.  The acting is still as wooden as ever.  The dialogue seems like it was cut-and-pasted from Wikipedia’s global warming page.  The CGI is just as shitty as you’d hope it to be.  However, it just isn’t quite as good as the others.  Or bad.  You know what I mean.  

At first, I was a little upset that my favorite character “The Tree Hugger” was absent from this entry.  I’m happy to report that in his place, we have a guy named “Dr. Extinction” who carries on the tradition of crazy, rambling nutbar who spouts unending amounts of environmentalism propaganda.  He does such a fine job that I found myself forgiving the movie for not including Tree Hugger this time around.  Dr. Extinction gets a particularly great scene where he forces our heroes to pull off to the side of the road so they can listen to his incoherent gobbledygook about global warming that culminates with him giving them some truly priceless advice:  “HAVE LOTS OF SEX!”  This scene alone is worth the price of admission, even if the rest of the film doesn’t quite (ahem) fly as high as its predecessors. 

AGFA MYSTERY MIXTAPE #2: LATER IN L.A. (2020) **

The second volume of Mystery Mixtapes from the American Genre Film Archive kicks off with that “You Wouldn’t Steal a Car” anti-piracy PSA that used to play on DVDs back in the ‘00s.  Some younger folks may have nostalgia for this PSA, but as someone who worked at a video store during this era, I always found it to be grating and annoying.  That was the first sign that Later in L.A. wasn’t exactly going to be my cup of tea.  

As with the first installment, most of the sequences come from the same four or five sources, which takes some of the fun out of it.  Segments include Bob Costas interviewing Tim Burton just before the release of Batman Returns (he asks about Sean Young’s unorthodox campaign to play Catwoman, but Burton unfortunately dodges the question), a documentary on the making of Werner Herzog’s Nosferatu, snippets from Gorgon Video Magazine (including Lloyd Kaufman being interviewed at Troma Studios, KNB doing effects for The Horror Show, and the making of Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout), an ad for VHS horror releases (including Howling 2 and Dawn of the Dead), a behind the scenes look at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Coming Out of Their Shells” Tour, and the making of Tobe Hooper’s Lifeforce.  It all ends with Tom Snyder interviewing Peter Cushing, Forrest J. Ackerman, and a “Professor of Monsters”.  Along the way, the tape is interspersed with local news bumpers as well as Vincent Price doing commercials for cheesesteaks and videotapes.  

As someone who enjoys these things for nostalgic purposes, AGFA Mystery Mixtape #2:  Later in L.A. kinda fell flat.  I guess ‘90s kids will dig it, but since I am a child of the ‘80s, it didn’t do a whole lot for me.  (The Ninja Turtles shit goes on way too long.)  At any rate, the random bit of Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig cutting up at the Golden Globes seemed like a rather useless inclusion for something like this.

AGFA MYSTERY MIXTAPE #1 (2020) ** ½

The good folks at the American Genre Film Archive put together this uneven but mostly amusing mixtape that collects bits and pieces from retro television broadcasts and old horror-related videos.  The snippets come from USA Up All Night’s B- Movie Awards Show where hosts Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear hand out awards to Scream Queens like Linnea Quigley.  Also featured are the interview with Stuart Gordon, some behind the scenes footage of Bride of Re-Animator, and the profile on F/X artist Screaming Mad George that originally appeared in Gorgon Video Magazine Vol. 2.  Robert Englund, Wes Craven, Rick Baker, and Walter Koenig also appear in clips from Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors tape.  

Lesser-known bits are taken from a documentary on The Exorcist called Didn’t You Used to Be Satan?  We also get scenes from The Making of a Horror Film, a profile on producer Dick Randall made during the production of Don’t Open Till Christmas.  Randall is a real character and is a lot of fun to watch.  The scene where he watches dailies of the film and makes Mystery Science Theater 3000-style commentary on the action is pretty funny.  It all ends oddly enough with Scatman Crothers rapping about Stanley Kubrick.

Maybe I would’ve given this a higher rating if I hadn’t already been so familiar with a lot of the footage.  Because of that, there wasn’t really any sense of discovery for me.  I also wish they had culled more snippets from other sources instead of just using bits from the same four or five tapes.  In fact, you’re probably better off just watching Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors, Gorgon Video Magazine Vol. 2, or the Up All Night special in their entirety.  

That said, they do use some choice clips.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Bill Moseley give an award to The Toxic Avenger?  That alone is worth ** ½ in my book.

GEOSTORM (2017) **

While watching Geostorm, I had this feeling that it was playing like a half-assed Roland Emmerich movie.  Once the end credits rolled, my suspicions were confirmed.  Turns out, it was written and directed by Emmerich’s longtime producing partner, Dean Devlin.  He must’ve been the wrong half of the ass.  Devlin combines all the usual disaster movie cliches with a lot of Armageddon-inspired space shit.  (Right down to the final teary-eyed goodbye.)  Some of this works in small doses, but the clunky plot mechanics often get in the way of the fun.

The world is plagued by outbursts of extreme weather.  Scientist Gerard Butler saves the planet when he invents a weather satellite to maintain and correct the erratic climate shifts.  When the thing malfunctions and people wind up frozen to death in the desert, it’s up to Butler to go into outer space to fix it.

Gerard Butler vs. the Weather.  Sounds like a can’t-miss proposition.  Honestly, there are moments when you can kind of see what they were going for, and it almost-but-not-quite works.  However, the government cover-up/political intrigue/international sabotage subplots really bring the movie to a halt in the second act.  Once the weather hits the fan, it’s not quite enough to win you back from all the dull plot stuff.  I mean, who needs human villains when you have a global storm?

A few of the disaster scenes are OK.  My favorite bit was when buildings toppled into one another and crumbled like a skyscraper version of dominoes.  Devlin also delivers a nifty escape scene when Secret Service agent Abbie Cornish evacuates President Andy Garcia from an out-of-control lightning storm in Orlando.  However, many of the weather-related set pieces (cyclones in India, a hailstorm in Japan, frozen waves in Brazil) feel rushed and are ultimately unsatisfying.

Butler is fun.  Casting him as a brilliant scientist suggests that no one was really taking any of this seriously.  However, even he can’t save the picture when it gets bogged down.  The supporting cast (which includes Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris, and Zazie Beets) do what they can to stand out from the uninspired scenes of weather destruction.  Unfortunately, just about everyone involved winds up getting left out in the rain.

SHIN KAMEN RIDER (2023) ** ½

A motorcycle rider becomes infused with grasshopper DNA and transforms into a badass superhero called Masked Rider.  (How’s that for an opening sentence for a review?)  After his creator is killed by the evil organization, S.H.O.C.K.E.R., he sets out to destroy their nefarious half-human half-insect henchmen.  Eventually, Masked Rider comes face to face with an evil version of himself who must decide if he will fight for his corrupt bosses or stand alongside his twin brother.

Shin Kamen Rider belongs in the same newfangled series of reboots of Japanese classics as Shin Godzilla and Shin Ultraman.  While I didn’t think it was quite as fun as the new Ultraman flick, I did enjoy it more than the Godzilla reboot.  Like Shin Ultraman, it is essentially an entire TV series condensed into two hours.  The good news is, that means Masked Rider does battle with bug-infused “Augments” every twenty minutes or so.  The bad news is the stuff in between the action is kind of dull.  Plus, there are way too many massive exposition dumps that gum up the works (particularly in the third act).  Also, at two hours, it all feels rather bloated and overlong.  

Then again, who watches this crap for the plot?  The fight scenes are fun enough and have enough variation to keep from feeling stale.  The fight that is done in sort of a half-animation half-live action rotoscope style is especially cool.  The gore is surprisingly solid too as Masked Rider smashes a bunch of heads as if they were oversized cherry-flavored Gushers.  The villains are fun as well, with the Spider Augment (who kind of looks like a cross between Spider-Man and the Predator) and the Scorpion Woman being my two favorites.  I also dug Masked Rider’s trusty motorcycle, Cyclone, who in one scene follows dutifully behind him like a horse trailing a cowboy in an old western.  

I don’t know if they will eventually bring Shin Godzilla, Shin Ultraman, and Shin Kamen Rider together for a big Avengers-style crossover or not.  I for one, would be all for it.  Although none of the films individually knocked my socks off or anything, they all certainly had their moments.  Plus, Masked Rider is a cool enough character to suggest he’d play off the other major players rather well.  Heck, I’d even be down for just a straight sequel to this.  Provided they streamline things a bit.

AKA:  Shin Masked Rider.

A FATHER’S REVENGE (1988) *** ½

When his flight attendant daughter (Helen Patton) is kidnapped in Germany by ruthless terrorists, family man Paul (Brian Dennehy) and his wife (Joanna Cassidy) grab their passports and head on over there to see what’s being done by the authorities to insure she’ll be returned home safe and sound.  Unfortunately, both the American and German governments sit on their hands way too long, which infuriates the family.  With the clock ticking away, a reporter (Ron Silver) gets Paul in touch with a former SAS mercenary (Anthony Valentine) to get her back.  The only catch:  Paul wants to tag along on the mission.

A Father’s Revenge is a crackling good Made for TV Movie that benefits from economical storytelling, tight pacing, and strong execution from director John (2 Days in the Valley) Herzfeld.  The thing that really elevates the film from your average TV flick though are the excellent performances.  Dennehy, who never had an ungenuine moment on film in his entire career, delivers a powerhouse performance as the concerned father who eventually takes matters into his own hands.  Cassidy is his match in every way and the two have dynamite chemistry together.  Silver is also quite good as the journalist who not only wants a big scoop, but also delivers on his promises to the family.  

Since this is a TV movie, there are all the usual fade-in and fade-outs that signal the commercial breaks.  However, that’s about the only tell-tale sign this was made for television.  Overall, Herzfeld makes things look and feel rather cinematic, especially when compared to many TV Movies of the Week from the era.  While most of the action is weighted towards the end, Herzfeld keeps the tension brimming throughout and punctuates the film with a strong finale.  Couple that with Dennehy’s fine work and you have yourself a memorable drama in nearly every regard.

AKA:  Payback.