MONSTERAMA SCI FI LATE NIGHT CREATURE FEATURE SHOW (1996) ** ½

Here’s yet another Something Weird trailer compilation tape.  I have to say, it’s not one of their best collections.  In fact, you’ve probably seen most (or all) of these trailers elsewhere (including on other Something Weird tapes).  Then again, if you’re a sucker like me for trailer comps and monster mash tapes, it’ll go down smooth enough. 

Monsterama Sci Fi Late Night Creature Feature Show is chockfull of trailers for ‘50s space exploration flicks (Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, and When Worlds Collide), Grade Z junk (Teenage Zombies, Killers from Space, and From Hell It Came), 3-D movies (It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, and The Mad Magician), films from Universal Studios (The Wolf Man, The Ghost of Frankenstein, and House of Dracula), the works of Roger Corman (Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the World Ended, and It Conquered the World), selections from Val Lewton’s career (I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, and The Curse of the Cat People), and the comedies of Abbott and Costello (Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein).  Unfortunately, some of the trailers are shorter versions and/or from re-releases.  Oddly enough, the trailer for Half-Human has Spanish subtitles, which is something different at least.

Would I like to have seen a few other subgenres represented here?  Sure.  Would it have been nice to have seen more trailers for color movies?  (And by “color”, I mean “newer” as there are trailers for the likes of Scared to Death, This Island Earth, and Invaders from Mars.)  You bet.  Should there have been a few obscure titles sprinkled in here and there for the sake of variety?  Absolutely.  However, if you’ve got an itch to watch a bunch of ‘50s black and white Sci-Fi trailers, this will be the cure for what ails you. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Monster of Piedras Blancas, How to Make a Monster, Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, Teenage Zombies, Half-Human, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Killers from Space, Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Mad Magician, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Creature with the Atom Brain, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, X the Unknown, Tarantula, The Day the World Ended, When Worlds Collide, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the Earth Caught Fire, Burn, Witch, Burn!, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Time Machine, Rodan, Them!, Revenge of the Creature, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Curse of the Cat People, Son of Dracula, House of Frankenstein, The Body Snatcher, House of Dracula, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, Mighty Joe Young, This Island Earth, It Came from Beneath the Sea, The Astounding She-Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, The Deadly Mantis, Beyond the Time Barrier, Beyond the Time Barrier (TV Spot), Phantom from Space, Invaders from Mars, The War of the Worlds, The Creature Walks Among Us, It Conquered the World, The Mole People, The She-Creature, The Man Who Turned to Stone, 20 Million Miles to Earth, The 27th Day, The Monster That Challenged the World, From Hell It Came.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

SAMSON IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

(As posted on March 9th, 2012)

The mysterious Dr. Karol opens a new wax museum in town. The main attraction features sculptures of famous people like Gary Cooper, Gandhi, Joseph Stalin, and Pancho Villa. In the basement, he keeps wax figures of Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A pretty young journalist goes to do a story on the museum and quickly disappears. Her family then asks the great wrestler-turned-crime fighter, Samson to find her. Predictably, Samson learns that Dr. Karol is the mastermind behind her kidnapping. He also intends to turn her into a “Panther Woman” for his latest attraction.

The first half hour of Samson in the Wax Museum is needlessly talky and criminally low on Samson action. If you can get past the shaky beginning, I think you’ll enjoy this entry. While it’s not quite as good as Samson vs. the Vampire Women, it does have a lot more footage of him in the ring. We’re talking about some solid Lucha Libre here. There are three wrestling scenes in total; all of which help liven things up when the plot slows down. By far the best wrestling match is Samson’s final bout with a swishy opponent. (The scenes of Samson tussling with hired thugs in people’s backyards are a blast too.)

I guess it goes without saying, but Samson in the Wax Museum is kinda like a refried version of House of Wax. The thing that’s kinda cool about it is that it also borrows freely from The Island of Lost Souls too as Dr. Karol keeps a race of animal men in his dungeon (and naturally they turn on their creator and kill him). These final scenes are electric. Shortcomings aside, this movie features Samson fighting monsters in a cool mad scientist lab; so what more could you ask for?

AKA: Santo in the Wax Museum.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

If you’ve seen VCI’s other El Santo releases, you know that they have been redubbed in such an atrocious manner that it makes the worst Kung Fu dubbing seem like Oscar-caliber material.  (Of course, I still dig them since it adds to the overall cheese factor.)  Their release of Santo in the Wax Museum is a bit different.  They basically used the same dub from the old K. Gordon Murray release (that was titled “Samson in the Wax Museum”) from the ‘60s, and simply added in a new title sequence retaining the original title, Santo in the Wax Museum. 

As for the movie, my original review still stands.  The only addition I can make is a word about the villain’s origin story.  Future filmmakers:  I implore you.  If you’re planning on making the villain of your silly Mexican wrestling/monster movie a Holocaust survivor… don’t. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: KILLER BARBYS VS. DRACULA (2002) * ½

Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys was a quirky, cool, and atmospheric rock n’ roll/horror hybrid.  This cheap sequel was shot on video, features bad dubbing, and is sorely missing the charm that made the original a minor classic. 

The Spanish punk band Killer Barbies play a rock show at an amusement park.  Little do they know Count Dracula’s coffin has been delivered to the park.  Their loud rocking and rolling awakens the Count from his slumber and he soon goes around biting tourists on the neck. 

The band’s numbers aren’t staged or performed nearly as well as the ones in the first film.  (They do a so-so cover of Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson’s “Candy” that qualifies as the musical highlight.)  The problem is they aren’t in it nearly as much as you’d think.  The first film was basically an R-rated version of Scooby-Doo with the Killer Barbies acting as Scooby and his gang.  This one is like a cheap Dracula movie that’s occasionally interrupted by performances by the band. 

In fact, it just seems like Jess had use of a theme park for a few days, so he filmed some quick scenes of some old farts hanging around.  Then, he filmed some dope running around in a Dracula cape.  Finally, he called up the Barbies and shot some scenes of them performing before cobbling it all together. 

The humor is groaning inducing.  Once the Count wakes up (he’s somehow able to move around in daylight), a news reporter asks him, “Have you had any trouble with AIDS?”  Dracula himself is a joke.  He’s bald but looks and acts more like Uncle Fester than Nosferatu.  A lot of time is also spent on the annoying Dr. Seward who basically acts as the Van Helsing character. 

At least Killer Barbies lead singer Sylvia Superstar is looking as sexy as ever.  Wearing an array of skimpy outfits, she’s fun to watch as she struts, prances, and dances around on stage.  It’s also amusing seeing Franco’s muse Lina Romay as the vampire’s familiar, who dresses like a cross between a dominatrix and a dictator (although I think she’s supposed to be a chauffeur).  Their enchanting presence isn’t nearly enough to save this dreck though. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BEASTMASTER (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This has been on TBS a zillion times, so everybody’s probably seen it at least once.  Marc Singer stars as Dar, a warrior who can control tigers, falcons and ferrets with his mind.  He and Seth (Good Times’ John Amos) try to rescue a slave girl (A View to a Kill’s Tanya Roberts), help a young prince, and defeat the evil Maax (Larry Sander’s Rip Torn), who sacrifices kids.  Of course, Dar has to fight a guy who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet, because every sword and sorcery movie made in the 80’s has a villain who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet.  It’s rated PG, but it still has enough action, gore (severed heads in soup), and nudity (Roberts goes for a topless swim, which you don’t get to see on TBS) to keep everybody happy.  The bat-like creatures that wrap their wings around their victims and eat them till they’re nothing but slime and bones are the best part.  (They gave me nightmares as a kid.)  Singer later appeared on the V mini-series and director Don Coscarelli also directed Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Having watched The Beastmaster for the first time in a long while, I have to say the movie is still great fun.  It’s definitely one of the best Sword and Sorcery flicks of the era.  Marc Singer, who kind of resembles Mark Hamill on steroids, makes for a likable hero, and Dar is a great character who has a cool gimmick of communicating with animals (it’s kind of like Dr. Doolittle Meets Conan the Barbarian) and uses a boomerang blade.  (Those ferrets are as cute as ever.)  Director Don Coscarelli delivers not only one of the best sword-slinging epics of ’82, but also gave us one of the all-time greatest quicksand scenes in cinematic history. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Before the movie begins, we get an on-screen apology from Vinegar Syndrome stating that the 4K restoration comes from the best surviving print and that sequences featuring optical effects will suffer from some grain and damage and yada, yada, yada…  But I’ll be damned if The Beastmaster doesn’t look and sound much bigger and badder than it ever did in 4K.  After years of watching it on TBS (back when it was affectionately known as “The Beastmaster Station”) in its censored and pan and scan form, seeing it now in 4K is something of a revelation.  The nighttime scenes are incredible, with the burning torches and rolling dust looking terrific against the black sky.  The scenes of Rip Torn cavorting with his hags (who have “10” bodies and “1” faces) are particularly outstanding, and the pulsating sacs of God knows what hanging from the bat people’s trees looks as cool as it ever did.  The cinematography by the great John (The Shining) Alcott really comes alive in 4K, and makes you really appreciate his work. 

But of course, the best-looking thing in 4K is Tanya Roberts.  As the Beastmaster’s pet panther would say… “GROWL!” 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS (2023) **

A car thief named Noah (Anthony Ramos) makes the bad decision to try to steal a Transformer.  Meanwhile, Elena (Dominque Fishback), an intern at a museum, accidentally sets off a beacon while cleaning an ancient artifact that awakens a giant planet-eating robot.  Autobot leader Optimus Prime grudgingly turns to Noah to steal it so he and his robot pals can go home.  Naturally, the bad Transformers want it, so the humans and Transformers make an alliance with a tribe of robot animals called “Maximals” to save Earth. 

The motto for Transformers has always been “More Than Meets the Eye”, but with Rise of the Beasts, it’s more like, “What You See is What You Get”.  Creed 2 director Steven Caple Jr. at least knows how to keep the camera still during the action and doesn’t go overboard like Michael Bay did.  He makes sure the various robot battles are coherent, which is more than I can say for Bay.  Caple also tries to give the film a bit of heart a la Bumblebee as a chunk of the movie is about a boy and his car… err… robot, albeit with less successful results. 

The problem is that the robot animal Transformers are kind of weak.  I mean, as a series goes on, the ideas should get cooler, not lamer.  Age of Extinction had robot dinosaurs, which is an admittedly cool idea.  (Even though it was poorly executed in the movie.)  After seeing robot dinosaurs, robot monkeys and birds seems like a big downgrade. 

The human cast is filled with no-names, all of whom are okay, but unmemorable.  They’re not as annoying as some of the humans in the Bay-directed films.  It’s just that they lack personality.  The voice cast is rather stacked, with Michelle Yeoh, Peter Dinklage, Colman Domingo, Pete Davidson, and Ron Perlman providing the voices for the new robots.  However, their voices are so overprocessed and computerized that they could’ve been voiced by anybody really. 

Overall, Rise of the Beasts is a step up from the first five Transformers films, but that’s not exactly much to brag about.  It still has all the moronic stuff people want from the Bay movies (robots fighting, pissing, and talking in jive accents), albeit not nearly as mind-crushingly stupid.  It is, however, a big step down from Bumblebee.  (I did like the stinger at the end, though.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DESTINY TURNS ON THE RADIO (1995) **

FORMAT:  VHS

Quentin Tarantino’s one-two punch of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction inspired a glut of quirky, low budget, crime comedies filled with pop culture references and eclectic casts in the ‘90s.  After directing those two classics, Tarantino made the ill-advised career move of starring in one with the painfully uneven Destiny Turns on the Radio. 

Dylan McDermott stars as a con named Julian who escapes from jail and gets a ride to Vegas with a slick gambler named Johnny Destiny (Tarantino).  He reconnects with his buddy Thoreau (James LeGros) hoping he still has the loot from their last heist.  Thoreau says it was stolen by a godlike man who appeared out of his swimming pool.  Naturally, he just so happened to be Johnny Destiny.  Meanwhile, Julian tries to win back his girlfriend (Nancy Travis) from the clutches of a sleazy, low-level gangster (James Belushi). 

Destiny Turns on the Radio is one of those movies with a lot of oddball characters and intersecting plotlines, but none of it quite gels in a satisfactory way.  There are one or two decent individual moments, but many scenes have little to no comic momentum and/or run on far past their expiration date.  Many of the performers are at sea wrestling with the weak material. Allen Garfield is kind of funny as a talent agent and Belushi seems to be having fun, even if he doesn’t get any actual laughs.  

The fatal problem is with the character of Destiny himself.  He has odd powers, but there’s no real rules to his schtick, except you know… he’s Destiny… or something.  I’m sure Tarantino probably jumped at the opportunity to flex his acting chops, and yet he really didn’t do his career any favors by appearing in this mess.  Some of his dialogue is pretty bad too.  You almost wish he gave himself a rewrite.

AKA:  Mister Destiny.  AKA:  Johnny Destiny.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING: PART ONE (2023) *** ½

Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his Impossible Mission Force are after “The Entity”, a state-of-the-art, nefarious, self-aware AI technology that specializes in fake news and misinformation.  The team needs two halves of a key that will unlock a mystery buried below the Artic ice.  During their mission, a pickpocket (Haley Atwell) steals the key, which complicates matters.  Of course, the key is not valuable unless you know what it unlocks, so Hunt grudgingly makes her a part of the team in order to track down its matching lock. 

Dead Reckoning:  Part One offers a pretty good mix of grounded suspense, old-fashioned espionage, and bombastic action sequences.  The airport scene is reminiscent of a Hitchcock thriller, the humorous chase using Cruise’s “other” car is a lot of fun, and the close quarters hand to hand fights are well choreographed.  Oh, and of course, we also get lots of scenes of Tom Cruise running.  Although some action sequences are just variations on what we’ve seen in the franchise before (there are scenes involving trains, motorcycles, mountains, etc.), the tweaks are clever enough to make it feel somewhat fresh.  The finale in particular, is a real nail-biter and owes as much to the original Mission:  Impossible as it does to Buster Keaton. 

Returning director Christopher McQuarrie delivers another solidly entertaining entry.  He doesn’t have a signature style like past Mission:  Impossible auteurs such as Brian DePalma or John Woo, but he knows how to keep the franchise moving like a well-oiled machine.  The cast of returning members, Ving Rhames, Simon Pegg, and Rebecca Ferguson lend fine support, and newcomers like Atwell, Pom Klementieff, and Shea Whigham are all up to the challenge.  Only Esai Morales as the villain is kind of one note, mostly because he’s the human ambassador for the evil AI.  Maybe they’re just saving him for later and he’ll have something meatier to do in Part 2. 

One odd thing to note:  The title sequence doesn’t occur until a half-hour into the film, which might be some kind of record.  Then again, if this is a two-parter (the third two-parter of 2023 after Fast X and Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse), then I guess thirty minutes into a five-hour film isn’t that bad.  Fortunately, it ends with a fairly definite ending, nicely setting up Part Two without resorting to an unnecessary cliffhanger.  I’ll be sure to accept that Mission when it comes out.