MADAME WEB (2024) **

Madame Web has been memed to death, bashed by critics, trashed by its stars, and dragged on social media.  I initially wasn’t going to see it in theaters, but then I started reading stuff like “it makes Morbius look like Citizen Kane”, and I knew I had to check it out.  Sadly, it’s not the spectacularly bad cheese fest I was hoping for.  Instead, it’s just a stunningly mediocre affair.  Bad movie fans hoping for a trainwreck will be disappointed to learn it’s only a minor fender bender. 

Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a snarky EMT who discovers she can peer into the future after having a near-death experience.  It seems that a sinister dude with spiderlike powers (Tahar Rahim) has it in for three young girls and it falls on Cassie to be their reluctant protector.  Predictably, she learns this Spider-Man wannabe also killed her mother, so now it’s payback time. 

If I was making a short list of great Spider-Man villains, I don’t think Madame Web would crack my Top 50.  It just goes to show how desperate Sony is to make that Marvel movie money.  They must feel that the character is crappy too, since this is an origin story, and she doesn’t remotely resemble her comics counterpart till the very end. 

The problem with Madame Web (the movie) is that it has a decent story, but it’s not one that’s ideal for a superhero flick.  It’s more like Final Destination meets Next as Cassie’s visions allow her to stay one step ahead of the bad guy while occasionally giving her a glimpse of other people’s deaths.  It’s the sort of thing that might’ve been an OK standalone film, but being shoehorned into the superhero genre to cash in on that Spider-Man money doesn’t do it any favors. 

The fact that the three girls who are prominently showcased in their superhero outfits in the trailers and promotional material only (SPOILER) appear briefly in visions and dreams is especially infuriating.  I mean why would you cast a ripe tomato like Sydney Sweeney and put her into a form-fitting Spider-Babe outfit and only show her in costume for seventeen whole seconds?  Luckily, her bookworm look throughout the film is still sexy as Hell and got my Spidey Senses tingling, if you know what I mean. 

As for the rest of the cast, Johnson gets by from looking aloof and slightly embarrassed.  Rahim is bland and forgettable, Adam Scott is poorly used as Johnson’s coworker who has strong ties to Spider-Man, and Emma Roberts is given absolutely nothing to do. 

Maybe the problem was hiring S.J. Clarkson, a director only known for TV work.  That’s probably why this looks like one of those Marvel shows instead of a big-screen adaptation.  Clarkson does an OK job on the premonition sequences, but the action is weak, and the finale feels rushed and cheap. 

I guess Madame Web is notable for taking place in 2003, which was around the same time when a lot of the B-List Marvel flicks started being released.  If anything, it will make you wistful for the likes of Elektra and Blade:  Trinity. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE GUNMAN (2004) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A rash of kidnappings and child murders wreak havoc on Austin, Texas.  A masked vigilante takes matters into his own hands and starts cleaning up the streets by going around and blowing away pedophiles and sex offenders.  Widowed cop Sean Patrick (The Boondock Saints) Flanery is on the case but gets saddled with a rookie partner (Chasing Amy’s Joey Lauren Adams), which cramps his style.  Since Flanery’s wife was slain by the killer, one question remains:  Will he catch the vigilante, or will he leave him alone to do his thing?

The Gunman comes to us from Daniel Millican, the same director of our last Let’s Get Physical movie, Striking Range.  It even features two of the same cast members, Tom Wright as Flanery’s captain and Jeff Speakman as a self-defense instructor.  (Boy, I thought Speakman was wasted in Striking Range, but he is given zilch to do here.)  We also have Mimi Rogers as Flanery’s kid’s godmother.  Add in Young Indiana Jones, and you have yourself a pretty decent cast.

While Striking Range was lightweight and fun, The Gunman is heavy-handed and leaden.  It doesn’t help that it contains some difficult subject matter for what is for all intents and purposes, a standard issue police procedural thriller.  (The synopsis on the back of the DVD sleeve sets it up to be another bland thriller and mentions nothing about child murderers and pedophiles.)  I commend Millican and his team for trying to tackle mature themes inside the context of a typical potboiler, but that doesn’t mean it works.  The fact that the identity of the vigilante is predictable (it’s one of those “the least likely suspect is the killer” deals) doesn’t do it any favors.  Plus, there are long stretches that feel like a Lifetime Movie.  Maybe it could’ve survived these obstacles, but the wuss rock soundtrack is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Imagine Nickelback… but worse.   

AKA:  A Promise Kept.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRIKING RANGE (2006) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Lou Diamond Phillips stars as the head of a team of mercenaries who are hired to protect a billionaire whose unstable scientist son just invented a newfangled laser beam.  Naturally, bad dudes led by Jeff Speakman want to get their hands on it too.  Complicating matters is the sudden appearance of a pesky Ninja who seems hellbent on sabotaging the mission.

Lou was pretty good in this.  Maybe not up to snuff with his hilarious turn in The Big Hit but he definitely brought personality and humor to what otherwise could’ve been a generic role.  (The scene where he nonchalantly realizes he’s on fire was kind of funny.)  I also liked the banter between Lou and his right-hand man Tom Wright while on the job.  It felt loose and casual; like it could’ve been spoken by a couple of dudes at the water cooler in an office or while toting guns on a mission. 

I was a little worried at the outset as the opening action scene had some unnecessary shaky-cam, which was more or less the norm in the early aughts.  Fortunately, that all died down as the movie progressed.  We also get a really chintzy title sequence made to look like a computer dossier filled with whistles and screeches like they were still running on dial-up.  Not to mention the really lame bullet time effects.  (I did kind of like the cheesy CGI death at the end though.)

In addition to Phillips, we have Yancy (Hard Target) Butler who isn’t too shabby as his ex who is less than thrilled to be working with him again.  Speakman is kind of reserved (both in terms of performance and his Kung Fu skills), but he gets some funny lines.  Wright lends solid support as well. 

Writer/director Daniel Millican brings a little flair to the proceedings.  The little touches of humor bode well too.  It’s just a shame that the middle section (set in an office building) really drags.  The plot twist involving the mysterious motorcycle-riding Ninja wasn’t really necessary either.  However, for every bit that didn’t click, there was something amusing or entertaining, so it wasn’t a bad trade off. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SPECIAL FORCES (2003) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Special Forces is yet another entry in the generic, but mostly entertaining “American Heroes” line of action flicks from Nu Image.  It might not look like much on the surface, but it’s a cinematically important film as it was the first pairing of director Isaac Florentine and DTV martial artist extraordinaire, Scott Adkins.  Although Adkins only has a supporting role, his scenes are easily the best in the movie. 

A journalist is kidnapped by a crazed Eastern European general who will execute her if America doesn’t release his terrorist buddies.  America has other plans though:  Send in Marshall (Road House) Teague and his team of Special Forces soldiers to kick the general’s ass.  Since this nefarious villain was also responsible for killing Teague’s platoon in Bosnia, he figures it’s time for a little payback.  Adkins is a rogue SAS soldier who also has his sights set on revenge who joins the team. 

Like most of these American Heroes movies, much of Special Forces is bland and by-the-numbers.  Thankfully, whenever Adkins is on screen, the movie comes to life.  You can tell Florentine is excited too because the camerawork and editing for his martial arts scenes have a lot more spark than Teague’s military grunt shootouts.  In fact, it’s almost like Adkins came out of an entirely different movie.  (And frankly, a much better one.)  His fights have a Hong Kong type of flair to them that is the perfect antidote to the otherwise competent, but forgettable action sequences elsewhere in the picture. 

I’m not saying Teague is bad in the lead.  He could only do so much with what they gave him.  Fred Olen Ray regular Tim Abell kind of gets lost in the shuffle too as Teague’s right-hand man.  However, when Adkins is onscreen, he blows everyone else away.  

Adkins and Florentine went on to work with each other a whopping seven more times.

AKA:  Special Forces USA.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MOVING TARGET (1997) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Now I know what you’re going to say:  Mitch, didn’t you already review Moving Target for this column a few weeks ago?  Well… yes, I did, but this is a completely different Moving Target.  Don “The Dragon” Wilson was the moving target in the other film.  In this one, it’s Michael Dudikoff.  So, you see… they’re two totally different moving targets. 

Dudikoff plays a down and out bounty hunter named Sonny who gets hired by Russian immigrants to find their criminal son.  When the dude is killed in his custody, the police charge Sonny with murder.  Making things even more precarious is the fact his quarry was the favorite nephew of a Russian Mob boss.  Now Sonny must clear his name to keep the cops AND the Mob off his back. 

Dudikoff is solid here.  He plays more of a schlub than usual, but he seems to be having fun.  The supporting cast includes Michelle (Waxwork) Johnson, who makes an impression as his pregnant wife, and Lando himself, Billy Dee Williams, who is pretty good too as his cop buddy. 

The first act is a similar to The Hunter with Steve McQueen.  (Dudikoff even dresses like McQueen’s character from that movie.)  The opening in which he collars a fugitive is a lot of fun.  It involves a dominatrix, a rooftop fight, and a guy getting hit with a dumbbell and flying out a three-story window.  These moments are quite enjoyable.  It’s only when the main plot takes hold does the film begin to lose its spark.  Director Damian (Gnaw:  Food of the Gods 2) Lee does a decent job on the action (there’s a snowmobile chase), but if being completely honest, I missed the freewheeling feel of the early scenes.  We still get a fun bit where hitmen on motorcycles interrupt Johnson’s Lemaze class in the third act though, which is appreciated, although it's not quite enough to send this into *** territory. 

CUADECUC VAMPIR (1972) ****

There’s a note during the title sequence that says this film was made “During the filming of Jess Franco’s Count Dracula”.   I’ve seen it listed in some places as a documentary, but that’s not really accurate either.  Shot in grainy black and white, it’s basically a silent remake of Franco’s movie using much of the same cast (Klaus Kinski being the notable absentee) and shot from slightly different angles.  The big difference is that in between scenes, they leave in bits of behind-the-scenes footage. 

For example, when Dracula’s coach pulls up, we see Christopher Lee waiting for his cue.  Then, a crew member comes around with a fog machine and sprays fog everywhere.  When the fog becomes just right, the scene plays out as normal.  It’s cool seeing how director Pere Portabella pulls back the curtain during these moments to simultaneously show you the movie while giving you a peek at the filmmaking process.  (Some of the “captured on the sly” moments reminded me a little of Chubby Rain in Bowfinger.)

One great moment finds Lee joking around with the cameraman before hopping into his coffin for a scene.  As he’s lying there, a crew member comes along and touches him up with cobwebs.  While they’re doing that, you can see Lee’s expression change.  Slowly, you witness him transform from Christopher Lee the actor to Count Dracula the character.  Moments like this are worth their weight in gold. 

It’s been a while since I saw Count Dracula and I think that was to my advantage.  (It was forgettable anyway.)  I don’t know how well it would work with Franco’s film fresh in your mind.  However, for me it was a unique experience.  It’s a one-of-a-kind movie that does a lot of the things the French New Wave talked about doing, but in a more deconstructive and (here’s the biggest thing) entertaining way. 

The soundtrack is wonderful too.  It’s full of weird, atonal sounds.  Some scenes have rhythmic and arhythmic knocking, or an odd buzzing.  It works for the most part, and at times, it’s kind of unsettling, which is something that can’t be said for Franco’s feature.  The film also contains some interesting camerawork and unique shots.  The scene where the camera is placed looking out of the window of a moving train and is slowly sped up is quite surreal, and almost nightmarish.

Overall, Cuadecuc Vampir is a curio at worst and endlessly fascinating at best.  Even though it was made on the sets of another movie with the same cast, I can honestly say there’s nothing quite like it. 

Question:  What if Portabella made this on the set of a better movie?  Would it suffer from comparison?  I have no idea, but I kind of want to give Count Dracula a second chance now that this is fresh in my memory. 

AKA:  Cuadecuc, Vampir.  AKA:  Vampir.  AKA:  Cuadecuc.  AKA:  Vampir Cuadecuc.  

SMUT WITHOUT SMUT: SATANIC HORROR NITE (2021) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

After watching the three uncut versions of the Satanic horror-themed pornos on the disc, I decided to backtrack and watch the main feature, Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite.  It’s a mixtape that sort of preserves the drive-in experience.  The sticking point is that all the hardcore footage has been cut out of the features.  Remember Grindhouse and the “Missing Reel” gag?  It’s kind of like that, but with way more stuff missing. 

Things kick off with a “Seven Minutes to Showtime” drive-in interstitial.  We then get concession stand ads, local commercials, and trailers (like Fanny Hill Meets the Horny Witch).  Afterwards, the “movie” begins. 

In Hotter Than Hell (a film sadly not included in full on the disc), Satan (who looks like he skinned several Muppets for his costume) learns he’s behind on his numbers, so he sends his sons to Earth to start corrupting women.  I don’t know if the complete version can live up to the clips, but what I saw was highly entertaining.  I might have to seek it out at some point.  It was nice seeing Satans Lust’s Judy Angel (who died the year before the film was released) turning up in a bubble bath and saying, “He was like a worn-out ball player.  Three strikes and he’s out!”

Next up is a condensed version of Sacrilege.  It hits all the highlights you’d hope for, from the cheesy dialogue to the scenes of the naked witch meowing like a cat.  Even though there’s no hardcore footage, we still get plenty of nudity. 

Then we have a truncated edition of a film called Sexual Awareness that begins with a cool tarot card title sequence.  Two doofuses in white robes initiate a naked chick into their Satanic cult.  They then lure members of a throuple to their (I’m guessing) doom.  After a fine set-up, this one ends in an abrupt and anticlimactic manner.  I don’t know if I really want to see the full version of this one, but the opening is fun. 

Afterwards, it’s intermission time!  We are treated to more concession stand ads and commercials, complete with some near subliminal snippets from the features. 

Then, it’s back to the smutless smut with an abbreviated versions of The Devil Inside Her and Satans Lust.  The editors do an especially good job at condensing the plot of The Devil Inside Her to the bare (no pun intended) essentials.  It also goes to show how much stronger the film is compared to the other movies in the collection as it plays like gangbusters even without all the fucking, sucking, and pissing.