Madame Web has been memed to death, bashed by critics, trashed by its stars, and dragged on social media. I initially wasn’t going to see it in theaters, but then I started reading stuff like “it makes Morbius look like Citizen Kane”, and I knew I had to check it out. Sadly, it’s not the spectacularly bad cheese fest I was hoping for. Instead, it’s just a stunningly mediocre affair. Bad movie fans hoping for a trainwreck will be disappointed to learn it’s only a minor fender bender.
Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a snarky EMT who discovers she can peer into the future after having a near-death experience. It seems that a sinister dude with spiderlike powers (Tahar Rahim) has it in for three young girls and it falls on Cassie to be their reluctant protector. Predictably, she learns this Spider-Man wannabe also killed her mother, so now it’s payback time.
If I was making a short list of great Spider-Man villains, I don’t think Madame Web would crack my Top 50. It just goes to show how desperate Sony is to make that Marvel movie money. They must feel that the character is crappy too, since this is an origin story, and she doesn’t remotely resemble her comics counterpart till the very end.
The problem with Madame Web (the movie) is that it has a decent story, but it’s not one that’s ideal for a superhero flick. It’s more like Final Destination meets Next as Cassie’s visions allow her to stay one step ahead of the bad guy while occasionally giving her a glimpse of other people’s deaths. It’s the sort of thing that might’ve been an OK standalone film, but being shoehorned into the superhero genre to cash in on that Spider-Man money doesn’t do it any favors.
The fact that the three girls who are prominently showcased in their superhero outfits in the trailers and promotional material only (SPOILER) appear briefly in visions and dreams is especially infuriating. I mean why would you cast a ripe tomato like Sydney Sweeney and put her into a form-fitting Spider-Babe outfit and only show her in costume for seventeen whole seconds? Luckily, her bookworm look throughout the film is still sexy as Hell and got my Spidey Senses tingling, if you know what I mean.
As for the rest of the cast, Johnson gets by from looking aloof and slightly embarrassed. Rahim is bland and forgettable, Adam Scott is poorly used as Johnson’s coworker who has strong ties to Spider-Man, and Emma Roberts is given absolutely nothing to do.
Maybe the problem was hiring S.J. Clarkson, a director only known for TV work. That’s probably why this looks like one of those Marvel shows instead of a big-screen adaptation. Clarkson does an OK job on the premonition sequences, but the action is weak, and the finale feels rushed and cheap.
I guess Madame Web is notable for taking place in 2003, which was around the same time when a lot of the B-List Marvel flicks started being released. If anything, it will make you wistful for the likes of Elektra and Blade: Trinity.
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