LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRETCH (2014) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Patrick Wilson stars as a down and out limo driver in LA who owes a bunch of money to loan sharks.  One night, they call in his debt, and he’s forced to hustle all over town to keep his kneecaps in one piece.  When he gets the job of chauffeuring an eccentric billionaire (Chris Pine) around town for the night, he thinks it just might be the answer to his prayers.  Naturally, all he has to do is stay alive. 

We’ve seen this kind of “Day in the Life of a Loveable Loser” movie dozens of times before.  What separates Stretch from those films is that it’s done with energy, style, and a wicked sense of humor.  To make it even better, there are a handful of celebrities who show up in cameos playing grossly exaggerated versions of themselves, which give the flick its heartiest laughs.  I won’t spoil some of the bigger names.  Just know, they all came to play, and have no problem sending up their image. 

The movie really belongs to Patrick Wilson though.  He’s usually stuck playing the nice guy or the dad in most of his films, so he must’ve been relishing the opportunity to play such a foulmouthed fuck-up.  The way he delivers his deadpan narration gets some big laughs too.  Pine looks like he’s having a blast as well playing such a crazed degenerate.  Ed Helms is also amusing as the ghost of a former limo driver who haunts Wilson from the back seat.  Yeah, it’s that kind of movie, folks. 

I’m a fan of director Joe Carnahan.  While he’s generally made solid movies throughout his career. nothing has really been able to touch his debut film, Narc.  This might be the closest he’s come.  While is totally different in tone than that flick, it’s certainly a fun ride. 

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2024) ***

Three hundred years give or take after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes, a peaceful clan of apes live in isolation and have mastered the art of using eagles to do their hunting.  When his father is killed and his mother kidnapped by a group of savage apes lead by the tyrant Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand), the young Noa (Owen Teague) sets out to get her back.  Along the way, he crosses paths with a human named Mae (Freya Allan).  But can Noa trust her, or does she have her own agenda?

Kingdom has a nice little thematic hook.  If we view Caesar as say, George Washington, and Proximus is, uh… Donald Trump, it shows how politicians can twist history to meet their own ends, and we see how they keep the masses as ignorant as possible to help them achieve their goals.  Director Wes (the Maze Runner movies) Ball wisely resists the temptation to beat the idea over the audience’s head, but it’s there if you look hard enough. (Also, unlike Trump, Proximus’ plan involves tearing down a wall instead of putting one up.)

The early scenes work best.  Seeing Noa’s community’s daily routine is intriguing and his friendship with a knowledgeable ape named Raka (Peter Macon) is nicely developed.  It’s also refreshing that Ball doesn’t try to breathlessly throw you into one mindless action scene after the other the way some directors of major tentpole summer movies do.  In fact, it’s surprising just how quiet much of the film is, especially for the ninth part of a franchise. 

And… well… maybe it’s a little too quiet at times.  While I enjoyed the intimate scope and smallish scale of the film, I have to say I was expecting a little bit more fireworks here.  That’s a minor quibble though.  I mean they all can’t end with the Statue of Liberty in rubble or atomic bombs going off.  While it may come up short compared to the previous trilogy of Apes films, it’s a solid flick through and through, and the final scene certainly holds promise for the future. 

ROAD HOUSE (2024) ***

Let’s address the elephant in the room:  Remaking Road House is borderline sacrilege.  The fact that it had Jake Gyllenhaal (who starred with the original Dalton, Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko) in the lead was enough to at least get my curiosity up.  He brings an oddball energy to the film that helps to at least differentiate the remake from the original.  We also have a few slight variations on the old standby scenes from the original, as well as some that are not so slight.  The new additions to the story are sometimes unnecessary (like the UFC backstory), but the change in locale seems fitting enough for this incarnation. Doug’s Liman’s wild man direction also indicates they weren’t necessarily out to remake Road House brick by brick, but to create a loving homage.

Okay, now to address the second elephant in the room:  Some of the fight scenes have had CGI “enhancements” to make the various blows seem more violent.  However, the effect is often more cartoonish.  In fact, there are times when the film feels like a live-action Tom and Jerry movie.  (Not exactly a bad thing.)  CGI is also needlessly used for some of the stunt work.  I mean, I get it for a film like Star Wars.  It just looks odd seeing something that should look natural (like a truck trying to run someone over) appear so computerized. 

Okay, so now that’s all out of the way, I have to say, I enjoyed it.  There is plenty of fun stuff here.  I particularly loved how this Dalton takes the “Be Nice” mantra of the original to the extreme.  In one scene, he drives some guys he beat up to the emergency room.  (He even warns them when they’re about to drive over a bump!)

I also appreciated that the film found its own energy and personality.  Changing out the dusty desert dive setting for a beachy bar down in the Florida Keys was a clever touch.  (Also: That means there are crocodiles.)  It’s amazing how far something like a change of scenery goes to give the movie its own identity, while still giving the audience what they want (mostly) from a Road House remake. 

Conor McGregor also makes a heck of an entrance rampaging through a small villa bare ass naked.  It says a lot of how times have changed when in the original, the hero had a gratuitous butt shot, and in the remake, it’s the henchman who bares his derrière. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUBMARINES (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Submarines is another one of those generic action flicks from Nu Image’s “American Heroes” DTV line.  A disgraced American submarine captain and his crew are on their way home to be court martialed for colliding into another sub.  Meanwhile, terrorists seize control of a Russian sub and naturally, it’s up to our hero to save the day. 

There’s no way around it:  Submarines is bad.  Now, I’ve never been much of a submarine movie guy to begin with.  I mean, even something like The Hunt for Red October doesn’t do a whole lot for me.  Heck, I’ve never really been one for Battleship either.  And by “Battleship”, I mean the board game, not the movie based on the board game.  I mean, who am I kidding?  Even the Battleship movie sucked.  But I digress. 

Even if you are a die-hard submarine movie fan you may find it difficult to sit through this one as it’s pretty bottom of the barrel in just about every way.  From the generic title to the paper-thin characters to the overuse of stock footage (it looks like a lot of the sub footage was taken from either The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide or both), it doesn’t take long for this snoozer to sink.  

This was the third American Heroes movie I have watched for this column, and it’s far and away the worst.  Special Forces and Air Marshal, while no means classics, certainly had their moments and were slightly better than expected.  Those films at least had signs of a heartbeat and little sparks of energy here and there.  Submarines on the other hand, is a case of what you see is what you get.  I’m sure you can already tell by the generic DVD box it’s going to be less than smooth sailing.  (Okay, enough with the nautical puns.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: D.R.E.A.M. TEAM (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

D.R.E.A.M. Team is a pilot for a TV series I have never heard of.  It’s essentially a Charlie’s Angels rip-off, but it’s fairly decent as far as these things go.  While there’s not much here to distinguish it from a lot of the other ‘90s action shows that were running in syndication during the decade, it does boast a surprisingly robust cast of guest stars. 

Martin Sheen is the head of a counterterrorism group.  His right-hand man (Jeff Kaake) recruits three hot women played by Angie Everhart, Traci Bingham, and Eva Halina to lead his team. Posing as a cadre of supermodels known as “The Dream Team”, they head down to Puerto Rico to stop an international terrorist group from unleashing anthrax on New York. 

The impressive roster of villains include Traci Lords, Ian McShane, Paul L. Smith (in his final role), and James Remar.  McShane equips himself nicely as the ringleader of the group and Lords looks great as his arm candy/bodyguard.  Smith and Remar are sadly a bit underutilized, but their very presence certainly elevates what could’ve easily been a forgettable experience. 

Everhardt, Bingham and Halina are appropriately sexy as the model/agents, even if they don’t exactly have a lot of chemistry together.  They, however, all look credible during their action scenes, which helps.  Kaake makes for a serviceable, if a bit dorky lead, but come on, you’re not watching this for him, are you? 

The action is consistent with a late ‘90s TV shows.  We have shootouts, explosions, and stunts that aren’t quite up to the standard of a feature, but are competent, nevertheless.  There are also the traditional fade-ins and fade-outs every fifteen minutes or so where the commercial breaks would’ve been, which helps hammer home the Made for TV feel. 

Fortunately, there are some amusing moments along the way, like McShane having a remote-control machine gun turret that is equipped with a computer readout that looks like a Super Nintendo game.  The highlight comes when Lords and Everhardt duke it out, although I for one wish it went on longer.  Sadly, the plot point of the villains placing the anthrax at the World Trade Center has aged like milk. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ESCAPE PLAN: THE EXTRACTORS (2019) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Sylvester Stallone returns in this second DTV sequel to the underrated Escape Plan.  This time, he’s got to rescue the daughter of a Chinese CEO who has been kidnapped by the crazy son of his ex-business partner (Devon Sawa).  You know how those crazy sons of your ex-business partner can be.  That’s after all why we have that famous phrase.  Who hasn’t yelled, “You crazy son of my ex-business partner!” at the car who cut them off in traffic?  But I digress. 

Look, I loved the first Escape Plan more than most.  I didn’t particularly like the second one, but I think I enjoyed it more than the Average Joe.  This one is slightly better than 2, but it certainly feels more generic.  Director John Herzfeld (who also directed Sly in the awful Reach Me) does deliver a couple of decent fight scenes and deaths though.  So, there’s that.

Like Escape Plan 2, The Extractors was a Chinese co-production.  That means Sly can conveniently step out of the movie every once in a while so that some of the Chinese actors can do a little of the heavy lifting.  It also tacks on a couple minutes to the opening credits sequence as there are at least eight logos for various production companies (half of which are from China) immediately after the Lionsgate logo appears. 

Like 2, it’s sorely missing the presence of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  In his place, we have Devon Sawa, Dave Bautista (who gets more to do than he did last time), 50 Cent (who gets less to do than he did last time), Jaime King, and Daniel Bernhardt (and Vincent D’Onofrio, if you count his flashback from the first movie).  None of them really are on their A-Game here, but their presence at least makes it feel like it’s not (as much of) a cheap production. 

Oh, and like 2, it’s pretty forgettable. 

DEATH MASK (1998) **

Three minutes into this movie, I thought I had lost my goddamned mind.  There is bad editing and there is bad editing.  Then, there is the editing in Death Mask.  At least one of the many incomprehensible scenes that kick off the film features Linnea Quigley taking a shower.  Hey, if I’m going to the looney bin I might as well go happy.  Fortunately for the audience, the editing gets better as the flick goes along, even if the chintzy production values stay about the same.  (There’s some really bad late ‘90s morphing effects.)

Death Mask is the brainchild of Roscoe P. Coltrane himself, James Best.  He wrote and stars as a scarred carnival barker who makes scary masks.  When he loses his job, a fellow carny (Quigley) takes him to see a swamp witch who gives him a piece of cursed wood to make a new mask.  The only problem is, whenever he puts the mask on, someone dies. 

Death Mask is rough going at times as much of the plot runs around in circles.  It also suffers from some major lulls in between the murder/death scenes.  Since the murder/death scenes include a decapitation via carnival ride, a bizarre scene where a samurai suit of armor comes to life, and a snake attack, it’s not all bad.

The major saving grace is Quigley. Despite the schlocky trappings of the movie, she really gives 110% and helps to (slightly) elevate the limp material.  Some amusement can also be had from seeing Best chewing the scenery, but for the most part, it’s all fairly crummy stuff.  If you really want to watch him in a fun B-movie, check out The Killer Shrews instead.

A madam gets the best line of the movie when she tells Best, “The last time she saw your face, she had the nervous shits for days!”