HUNDREDS OF BEAVERS (2024) **

Jean Kayak (Ryland Brickson Cole Tews) is a man whose apple cider business is destroyed by beavers.  Homeless and hungry, he tries in vain to hunt and eat assorted woodland critters (played by guys in furry suits) for survival.  Eventually, he hooks up with a seasoned trapper (Wes Tank) who shows him the ropes of trapping varmints.  One night, the trapper is killed by a wolf (another guy in a furry suit) who takes all their beaver pelts back to his cave.  It’s then up to our hapless hero to reclaim his furs. 

This black and white mix of animation, live action, puppetry, and people running around in basketball mascot costumes reminded me of something you would see late at night back in the day on Night Flight.  It sometimes feels like a mash up of a Looney Tunes cartoon, silent movie one-reelers, Cannibal!  The Musical, Monty Python, and a Commodore 64 video game… If it was made by a furry. 

A little of this goes a long way, but boy, there sure was a LOT of it.  I admire the style and the creativity that went into making the film, not to mention the overall weirdness of it all.  (The finale inside the beavers’ lair is especially well done.)  However, it is something of a chore to watch.  It might’ve worked had the movie took a page from its Looney Tunes inspiration and was broken up into ten-minute shorts.  (Or if it was… you know… laugh out loud funny.)  At a hundred and eight fucking minutes, it is a tough sit to say the least.  In fact, at one point, I was sure the movie was wrapping up, only to discover by hitting the “INFO” button on my remote that it wasn’t even halfway over. 

Fans of cinematic oddities may enjoy it (if you ever wanted to see a wolf mascot get killed by an icicle made of snot, then this is your movie), but everyone else will want to steer clear. 

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER PART 2 (1998) **

Making a DTV sequel to a stone-cold classic like Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer is a risky proposition.  Neil Giuntoli has the unenviable task of taking over for Michael Rooker as the titular serial killer.  Likewise, writer/director Chuck Parello has a tough act to follow, filling in for director Robert McNaughton (who did at least return to do the music).  While the results aren’t completely worthless, the whole enterprise just feels entirely unnecessary. 

The sequel finds serial killer Henry living in a homeless shelter and occasionally stepping out to claim a victim.  He gets a job moving port-a-potties and befriends co-worker Kai (Rich Komenich), who lets him crash with him and his wife Cricket (Grey’s Anatomy’s Kate Walsh in an early role).  Henry soon learns Kai is a professional arsonist and begins assisting him in his crimes.  Eventually, Henry begins teaching Kai the ropes of killing random strangers.  Henry also manages to befriend Kai’s mentally disturbed niece (Carri Levinson), an art student who draws morbid pictures. 

It would be unfair to compare Giuntoli to Rooker’s iconic portrayal from the first movie, but comparisons are inevitable.  Ultimately, it looks like he’s just trying so hard not to be frightening that it comes off forced and awkward, so he somehow winds up looking creepy, which doesn’t work at all.  Rooker was so effortless at being nonchalantly coldblooded but still fit in as a regular guy.  As soon as you see Giuntoli, you’re like WEIRDO ALERT!  Komenich hews a little too close to Tom Towles’ portrayal of Otis in the first film, which gives the characters’ dynamic a feeling of déjà vu.  On the flip side, Walsh and Levinson are pretty good, all things considered. 

As with the original, the murders are committed matter-of-factly.  However, they just lack the power of the first film (although there is a good decapitated head gag and a gnarly scene where Henry shoves a screwdriver up a dude's nose).  Despite dropping in one or two new elements into the mix (like the firebug plot line), in the end, it just feels like a pointless retread. 

AKA:  Henry 2:  Portrait of a Serial Killer.  AKA:  Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer 2:  Mask of Sanity.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE (2001) ***

Mulholland Drive began life as a television pilot.  When it didn’t get picked up, writer/director David Lynch retooled it for a feature length movie.  Because of that, it is often fragmented and disjointed.  You could tell he probably wanted to flesh things out more if it had gone to series.  However, some things might have worked better if it was spread over a season of television instead of crammed into a two-and-a-half-hour movie.  It sometimes feels like you’re working on a puzzle that has pieces from an entirely different puzzle that somehow wound up in box.  That’s part of the fun though. 

Betty (Naomi Watts) is a wide-eyed gal fresh off the bus who comes to Hollywood hoping to be a star.  She finds an amnesiac named Rita (Laura Elena Harring) in her apartment and tries to help her regain her memory and find out why she’s carrying a purse loaded with hundred-dollar bills.  Meanwhile, a young hotshot director (Justin Theroux) is enraged when shadowy guys in business suits start ordering arbitrary changes to his new film. 

Mulholland Drive has Lynch working with themes he’s dabbled in before.  This one is more successful than some (like Lost Highway) and not quite as good as others (like Blue Velvet).  However, like Lost Highway, the film kinda falls apart when the actors do a switcheroo on their parts.  (Or more accurately about the time when Watts and Harring go to Club Silencio.)  It’s like the movie begins to unravel right when the mystery does. 

Still, when Lynch finds the sweet spot between surreal neo-noir and waking dream, the results are often electric.  The stuff with Theroux as the stymied director dealing with hostile forces trying to sabotage his movie seems as though it was deeply personal for Lynch.  His scenes with “The Cowboy” are particularly memorable.

Watts is excellent as the naive gal who instantly finds mystery waiting for her in La-La Land.  You can tell she was destined to be a star from the very first scene.  Harring is great too as the sultry amnesiac, and her love scenes with Watts are quite eye-opening.  Theroux has many good scenes as well as the put-upon auteur, even if it feels like his story never gets resolved.  There are also memorable bits by Dan Hedaya, Rena Riffel, Chad Everett, James Karen, and even (gasp!) Billy Ray Cyrus. 

TULLY (2018) ***

After director Jason Reitman directed the hilarious Young Adult, he went on to make two box office duds in a row with Labor Day and Men, Women, and Children.  He then decided to get the band back together again and reunite with Young Adult's screenwriter Diablo Cody and star Charlize Theron for the charming and funny Tully. 

Theron stars as a put-upon mom with two bratty kids and another one on the way.  Sensing she’s overwhelmed, her brother (Mark Duplass) tries to set her up with a nanny as a shower gift, but she refuses.  Eventually, the baby arrives, and after a couple weeks of all-nighters with the kid, she realizes she needs help.  So, Tully (Mackenzie Davis) shows up and not only helps take care of the baby but also gets Theron’s mojo back.  She works so many wonders for Theron that it’s almost like she’s too good to be true. 

It’s amazing how much they mom up Theron in this and she still looks hot.  She’s equally good during the scenes where she’s struggling to get by as she is in the scenes where Tully has helped her find her center.  As the title character, Davis finds the right balance of Manic Pixie and Down to Earth Hippie.  She also has plenty of chemistry with Theron to boot.  The vastly underrated Ron Livingston is also great as Theron’s go-with-the-flow husband. 

Tully is a sweet and sincere film.  I was maybe taken a little aback by that since Cody’s movies are usually snarky.  I kept waiting for the cynicism to creep in, but it never really did.  Sure, there are some zingers here and there.  However, the emotions and relationships are all genuine.  Plus, it’s kind of nice having a movie about two women just kind of hanging out and shooting the shit. 

It’s all kind of low key and lightweight.  The twist ending probably wasn’t necessary, but it doesn’t really detract from the overall enjoyment.  (If I say what movie it rips off, it will spoil the surprise.)  If you ever spent a sleepless night with a crying baby, you probably wouldn’t mind a gal like Tully.  She’s chill, easy to talk to, and is a never-ending fount of useless trivia.  I dug having her around, even if it was for a short amount of time. 

Oh, and I didn’t really plan this, but after Tully and the anime porno Professor Pain, that makes two movies I watched in two days where painful lactation is a plot point. 

VENUS 5 (1994) ***

Animation can take us on flights of fancy in ways that live-action can’t.  It can show us such sights as naked girls chained to the wall and pleasured by lizard monsters, a dominatrix giving a cat (actually an alien disguised as a cat) a blow job, a monster gangbang (one has a dick shaped like the head of Giger’s Alien), candles up the ass, and a Roman emperor zombie shoving fruit into schoolgirl’s orifices.  It’s also not bad for more traditional shit like bondage, whipping, orgies, and… uh… tentacle porn. 

Venus 5 is basically an anime porn parody of Sailor Moon.  An exclusive boarding school holds a formal ball to welcome their new professors.  The professors are actually in league with an evil hermaphroditic empress named Necros who is the dean of the school.  Venus 5 are five high school girls with magical powers who are sent to stop them from resurrecting a demon (who’s also the dean’s father).  Together, they learn to harness their power and work as a team to overcome the evil villainess. 

Like Professor Pain, this was another anime porno I got from the thrift store.  Like that flick, it’s also two episodes of a series edited together.  This time, the episodes are forty-five minutes long each.   Because of that, it does drag a bit in places, especially in the second episode.  It also has more plot than was probably necessary for something like this.  While it is a riff on Sailor Moon, it does its thing fairly well too.  The nude transformation scenes are also fun. 

It helps that Necros is a strong villain.  In the beginning, we see her hanging out in a lair that was basically Stonehenge if Stonehenge was made with rock phalluses.  It’s a shame she never goes back there because I thought it was kind of funny. 

Some of the dialogue is really something too.  My favorite line was when the evil headmistress said, “I anoint your coffin with my love juices as an offering!”  Like I said, animation can take us on flights of fancy. 

AKA:  Venus Five.  AKA:  Sailor Soldier Venus Five.

PROFESSOR PAIN (1998) ***

I don’t usually find Japanese anime porn at the thrift store, but when I do, you bet your ass I pick that shit up.  The old lady behind the counter was mortified that something like this could have found its way onto the shelves.  In fact, at first, she acted like she wasn’t going to sell it to me, possibly on moral grounds.  Eventually, the allure of a crisp five-dollar bill made her change her tune.   Capitalism prevailed. 

Professor Pain begins with a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls trying to gang rape a nerdy student with a mop.  Maybe the old lady at the thrift store had a point.  Anyway, a demented professor threatens to blow up the school if the students don’t cave in to his demands.  He then proceeds to teach the students “lessons” to make them fall in line.  Such lessons include making a girl pee into a test tube, sticking needles into a student’s breasts and clit, and rope bondage.  Later, a female professor is sent in by the police to make sure the girls are okay, and the professor has his assistants tie her up and force her to lactate.  It all ends with a big orgy that the professor videotapes and puts online, in hopes of selling the girls into sexual slavery. 

I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to Japanese anime porn, but this was way more hardcore than I was expecting.  (I guess I’m used to the live-action stuff with the fogged nether regions.)  Not only are the sex organs drawn in graphic detail, but there are also even POV shots from inside a woman’s vagina!  It’s all really weird and shocking.  Since it takes a lot to shock me, I’d say that’s a good thing.  

It’s only an hour long (which helps), as it’s essentially two episodes of a TV show edited together.  I will say the first episode is much better as the second is far less kinky (the breast milk scene notwithstanding) and the flashback scenes that explain the professor’s motives sort of slow things down.  I don’t think it will exactly bring new members to the fold, but fans of S & M anime porn (you know who you are) will no doubt enjoy Professor Pain. 

AKA:  Sodom Academy.  AKA:  Professor Pain:  The Prisoners of the Campus.

THE PERILS OF PENELOPE (1994) ***

The Perils of Penelope is W.A.V.E. Productions’ loving tribute to the silent movie serials of old.  Silent movies and Shot on Video bondage flicks may seem like an odd pairing at first until you realize all those old shorts of women being tied to railroad tracks were basically the bondage films of their day.  In fact, the way director Gary Whitson updates the tropes is what makes the film so much fun.  For example, the silent movie cards are replaced by titles created by a video character generator.  The black and white photography is pretty good too and is a welcome change from so many grainy W.A.V.E. movies. 

Penelope (Michelle Caporaletti) finds her grandmother’s diary and relives her perilous tales of escaping her scheming suitor Craven (Sal Longo) who tries to tie her up to a deadly buzzsaw.  When that fails, he ties her to the railroad tracks, but she escapes that too.  Later, Craven’s sisters take revenge by capturing Penelope and hanging her above a vat of boiling oil.  Other perilous predicaments involve a booby-trapped gun, an electric chair, suffocation, and a dark dungeon.  Eventually, Penelope must escape the clutches of Craven himself. 

The melding of old serials and bondage videos is certainly inspired.  Fans of the former will enjoy the fake-out cliffhanger endings at the end of each chapter, and bondage enthusiasts will enjoy the long, lingering close-ups of our heroine’s feet.  (You won’t see that in those old Saturday matinee serials, that’s for sure.)  The sequence on the railroad tracks is a lot of fun too, even if the shots of the train coming down the tracks are obviously that of a model train. 

After the first act, the action switches over to the present and the film forgoes the silent movie schtick, but it still retains the cliffhanger gimmick which is fine.  I guess Whitson didn’t want to stray too far from the usual W.A.V.E. formula.  Although some of this can get a little repetitive, if you are a fan of old school cliffhanger serials and/or W.A.V.E. movies, The Perils of Penelope will probably leave you with a silly grin on your face.