THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023) ***

Russell Crowe stars as an espresso-sipping, scooter-riding exorcist who answers only to the Pope (Franco fucking Nero!) himself.  An American widow (Alex Essoe) moves to Spain with her children to renovate an old church.  Before long, her son becomes possessed and it’s up to Crowe to save his soul.  However, during the exorcism, he uncovers a centuries long cover-up by the Vatican, which explains why the demon isn’t so easy to banish. 

Directed by Julius (Samaritan) Avery, The Pope’s Exorcist is a surprisingly fun and entertaining ride filled with lots of laughs and some rather wild moments.  It kicks off with a solid exorcism sequence where Crowe transfers the soul of a demon into a pig, and it doesn’t look back.  It hits all the hallmarks of the exorcism subgenre and gives you everything you’d want to see from this sort of thing, including a couple of new twists.  The possession scenes feature all the old standbys such as neck twisting, writing appearing as cuts on the possessed boy’s body, and spider-walking.  New additions include the kid puking up a bird and a great moment when the kid flips out on his mom for not breastfeeding him!  Also, in this one the demon voice sounds less like Mercedes McCambridge and more like the Master Control Program from Tron. 

Honestly, The Pope’s Exorcist probably could’ve gone either way, but Russell Crowe keeps the film on track with his amusing performance.  While he stops short of hamming it up, he certainly looks as if he’s relishing the opportunity of taking the reins of a down and dirty B-flick.  He adds dollops of humorous touches to character, which endear him to the audience.  However, when it comes time to confront the demon, he’s all business. 

It maybe runs a tad too long and the conspiratorial aspects of the plot kind of drag things down.  Fortunately, none of that gets in the way of the Friedkin-inspired hokum.  Let’s face it, any movie that has Russell Crowe as a priest on a scooter and Franco Nero as the Pope is more or less must-see entertainment in my book. 

TOMB RAIDER (2018) ** ½

Alicia Vikander stars as Lara Croft in this mildly entertaining reboot of the video game franchise.  Her dead father (Dominic West) leaves behind a puzzle box, which sends her on a wild goose chase to find a hidden island in the Pacific.  There, she finds an ancient tomb that’s hiding a secret that could bring about the end of the world. 

You know, the first action scene where Lara participates in a “fox hunt” bicycle chase didn’t exactly inspire confidence.  Fortunately, once she arrives on the island, the action improves greatly.  Director Roar Uthaug (now that’s a name for ya!) delivers a memorable sequence where Lara narrowly escapes going over a waterfall by hoisting herself aboard the rusty wreckage of a plane that immediately begins to crumble.  While much of the film is pedestrian, this exciting scene is worthy of an Indiana Jones movie.  The finale in the tomb feels like something out of an Indiana Jones flick as well, albeit in a more derivative manner.  (The scenes with Lara and her dad are reminiscent of The Last Crusade too.) 

Not only does the film get better once the action ramps up, it also gets a much needed shot in the arm when Walton Goggins finally appears as the villain.  He’s sort of the Belloq to Croft’s Indiana Jones.  His slimy character is far from his best work, but at least he gives Vikander a menacing figure to play off of. 

Speaking of which, Vikander is OK as Croft.  Since this is an origin story, she spends about half the movie being demure and homely.  Eventually, she becomes the globe-hopping adventurer we all recognize.  It just takes a while before the transformation is complete.  (She doesn’t even get her trademark guns until the final scene.) 

That said, she still can’t hold a candle to Angelina Jolie.  I mean Jolie’s Tomb Raider movies sucked, but at least she was smoking hot.  At any rate, say what you will about this Tomb Raider, at least it’s better than the Jolie films.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but hey, it’s something. 

HELLBOY: THE CROOKED MAN (2024) **

After digging the 2019 version of Hellboy, I figured I’d check out this new one, if only to be a completist.  The Crooked Man is a noticeably low budget affair and has no name stars (Jack Kesy replaces David Harbour as Hellboy this time around).  It was directed by Brian Taylor of Neveldine/Taylor fame though.  (The guys that made Crank.)

Hellboy roams around the backwoods of Appalachia looking for a giant spider when he runs afoul of some white trash witches.  He learns from one of the locals about a sinister figure known as “The Crooked Man” who haunts the woods that just may be the devil himself.  Before long, the titular figure sets out to drag everyone’s souls to Hell. 

Hellboy is starting to give The Fantastic Four a run for its money for the title of most unnecessarily rebooted comic book property.  This one takes place in the ‘50s, so it looks and feels removed from the previous versions’ timelines, which was a good idea.  However, because of its measly budget, it just can’t compete with the other iterations of the franchise. 

Hellboy comic creator Mike Mignola was apparently less than pleased with the other versions of his character, so he wrote the story, served as executive producer, and had more creative control over this adaptation.  Despite that, I fail to see what made this vision of the character preferable for him.  Maybe it’s hard to judge something that looks like a SyFy Channel Original when the others were all big budget studio movies.  

Overall, it’s kind of blah.  I mean I was sort of with it for a while.  Once it became another zombie flick late in the game, I started to mentally check out. 

Kesy makes for an OK Hellboy.  He captures the character’s world-weariness well enough.  Much of the problem has to do with the narrative itself, which makes him more of a bystander than a leading man.  Because of that, Kesy isn’t given much to work with. 

As ho-hum as much of Hellboy:  The Crooked Man is, I can’t deny the scene where a dead witch is revived when a baby raccoon crawls inside of her discarded skin.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that in a movie before.  Nor can I say I’ve seen a snake come out of a woman’s coochie, slither around her, and then enter her mouth.  It’s just a shame these admittedly effective, albeit brief moments, didn’t inhabit a better film. 

NOVOCAINE (2025) ****

Well, folks.  Jack Quaid just dropped another instant classic on us.  Earlier in the year, he starred in the incredible sexbot comedy-thriller, Companion.  Now he’s back two months later with Novocaine, an action-comedy that plays like a Nicecore version of Crank.  It has bigger laughs than most straight-up comedies and has better gore than your average horror flick. 

Like I said, instant classic. 

Quaid stars as a meek bank teller who has a rare medical condition that prevents him from feeling pain.  When his coworker (Amber Midthunder from Prey) asks him out on a date, he instantly falls head over heels for her.  The next day (Christmas Eve, no less), a trio of thieves rob the bank and take her hostage.  It’s then up to Jack to save her as he uses his inability to feel pain to gain the upper hand on the hardened violent criminals. 

The charm of the movie lies with just how refreshingly innocent and sheltered its hero is.  He’s just a likeable schmo who doesn’t eat solid food for fear of biting off his own tongue.  All that goes out the window when the gal of his dreams is kidnapped.  Much of the humor is courtesy of Quaid’s nice guy character being pummeled to a bloody pulp and yet, he keeps returning for seconds and thirds.  In fact, since he can’t feel pain, he often doesn’t even change expression and continues with his conversation as he’s being wailed on.  Some of his injuries are downright ghastly too, but often the worse the injury, the bigger the laugh. 

Among the highlights is the kitchen fight where Quaid unwittingly deep fries his hand.  There’s another great bit where he’s being tortured by one of the robbers and has to feign being hurt, even when his nails are being ripped out.  The scene that really endears him to the audience is when he fights a giant tattoo artist.  After he’s thrown through a glass case, he furiously punches the shards to make his knuckles into deadly weapons.  I mean when Van Damme fought with glass knuckles in Bloodspor,t he had to use gauze and glue.  Quaid just smooshes the glass right into his skin. 

Novocaine is a blast of adrenaline from start to finish.  It’s fresh and funny and has plenty of crowd-pleasing moments of action hilarity and gnarly body horror carnage.  If Companion didn’t make Quaid a star, I truly hope this does. 

AKA:  Mr. No Pain.

BLOOD BATH (1966) *** ½

An artist (William Campbell from Dementia 13) turns into a vampire at night and kills women.  His “Dead Red Nudes” are a sensation in the art world.  The only problem is in order to draw inspiration from his subjects, he needs to first draw their blood. 

Blood Bath is an eerie and atmospheric flick that deserves to be better known.  The opening sequence with the silhouetted figure of the vampire in a trench coat and top hat stalking a woman feels like a prototype for a giallo.  (It almost looks like it could’ve been directed by Mario Bava.)  Other sequences have a dreamlike quality to them, like the flashback of the artist painting in the desert or the underwater scene where he murders a woman in a swimming pool.  There are even a few genuinely unnerving moments like when Campbell’s dead cackling mistress appears in a painting or the chase on a merry go round.  The scenes in the art gallery are surprisingly funny too and the comedic bohemian artist types (including Sid Haig and Johnathan Haze) make this feel like a spiritual sequel to A Bucket of Blood.  It would also make a good double feature with Color Me Blood Red.  (Originally, it played on a double bill with Queen of Blood.) 

Directed by the one-two punch of genre filmmaking legends Jack Hill and Stephanie Rothman, Blood Bath really cooks.  It’s paced like lightning and the hour-long running time whizzes right by.  The ending is a little on the weak side, but that should in no way deter you from checking it out. 

Apparently, this is the third of four iterations of the film.  It began life as a thriller called Operation Titan, which also starred Campbell.  That flick was later re-edited and released as Portrait of Terror.  Producer Roger Corman then took about nine minutes of footage from it and hired Hill and Rothman to add scenes to it and turn it into Blood Bath.  (Hill did the beatnik stuff and Rothman worked on the vampire plot.)  Later, Corman added more footage so it could play on TV as Track of the Vampire.  The only other version I’ve seen is Portrait of Terror and this is a big step up in every way. 

AKA:  Operation Titan.  AKA:  Portrait of Terror.  AKA:  Track of the Vampire.

HELLBOY (2019) ***

I can kind of take or leave Hellboy.  I didn’t like Guillermo del Toro’s original, but I did enjoy the second one quite a bit.  This reboot from Neil (Doomsday) Marshall stars Stranger Things’ David Harbour as Hellboy, taking over the role from Ron Perlman.  Best of all, it has Milla Jovovich as the evil “Blood Queen”.  

I didn’t really have any expectations for this going in.  I will say, five minutes into the movie, and already King Arthur decapitated a witch and Hellboy fought in a Lucha Libre match with a literal bat man.  Fortunately, that kitchen sink vibe carried throughout the entire film.  It’s shit like this made me enjoy this iteration even more than del Toro’s films. 

Hellboy learns the apocalypse is coming, and since an ancient prophecy foretold he will be the one to bring it about, everyone wants to kill him.   Meanwhile, the Blood Queen, who was chopped up and had her body parts hidden across the globe, is slowly coming back together to wreak havoc on mankind.  The only thing that can stop her is the legendary sword, Excalibur.  The only problem is that if Hellboy uses it, he’ll make the prophecy come true. 

This Hellboy is a Hard R.  It’s gory as all get out, with plenty of blood, guts, tongues ripped out, and decapitated heads aplenty.  There are also pig men, pig babies, giants, a house that walks around on two feet, witches, zombies, a werecheetah, and a bunch of sick looking kaiju (including one that has a hand for a dick).  I admire Marshall’s “anything goes” approach, even if it sometimes yields uneven results.  Still, it all feels like a Neil Marshall movie, which is a good thing. 

It helps that Milla is smoking hot in this.  There’s even a scene where she has some Boxing Helena action going on where she’s just a torso and her limbs are strewn everywhere and I’m thinking to myself… WOULD.  

Harbour isn’t bad. He’s scruffy and grumpy and gets a few laughs, but I did miss the pathos Perlman brought to the role.  Ian McShane lends his usual sense of gravitas as Hellboy’s dad and Thomas Haden Church is also amusing in an extended cameo as Lobster Johnson. 

No one really took to this version (which is a shame), so they rebooted the property… again with Hellboy:  The Crooked Man five years later. 

THE JAMES DEAN COLLECTOR’S CLASSIC (1988) **

The James Dean Collector’s Classic is one of those documentaries you find in the bargain bin at Dollar General for a buck.  It covers everything about James Dean’s career, life, and tragic death.  It’s not great or anything, but I think I got my dollar’s worth out of it. 

It starts with his death and then works its way back to the beginning.  Dean leaves his home in the Midwest to come to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.  He then moves to New York where he joins the prestigious Actors Studio.  His talent is immediately evident, and it isn’t long before he becomes a movie star and legendary idol.  Sadly, he dies in a car accident and in the process becomes immortalized for his handful of film roles. 

The James Dean Collector’s Classic doesn’t really cover any new territory.  If you’re already familiar with Dean’s story, most of this will be an old hat.  The biography stuff isn’t bad, but the film is less successful when it’s relying on footage from his early roles in bit parts on TV shows (including Dean playing John the Baptist in a religious movie).  In fact, the whole thing grinds to a halt when they play an episode of Schlitz Playhouse starring Dean in its entirety.  I did think it was funny that they couldn’t afford to use footage from East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, or Giant but somehow Don Mclean’s “American Pie” is heard more than once.  (We do get to see his screen test for East of Eden and behind the scenes footage from Rebel Without a Cause though.)

There is a good cross section of interviewees, which helps make up for some of the documentary’s chintzier moments.  Carroll Baker, Dennis Hopper, Vampira (who hints at his bisexuality), Sammy Davis Jr., Nicholas Ray, and Natalie Wood all give revealing insight into the Dean they knew.  There are also some eerie moments like photos of Dean sleeping in a coffin and a PSA with him dressed as his character from Giant warning people about speeding on the highway.  These moments don’t exactly save the flick, but they do prevent it from being a run of the mill doc. 

AKA:  The James Dean Classic.