FOUR DIMENSIONS OF GRETA (1973) ** ½

Pete (Frightmare) Walker already had a couple of softcore sex comedies under his belt before he made this, the first British 3-D movie.  A journalist named Hans (Tristan Rogers) is looking for a German au pair named Greta (Leena Skoog) on the streets of London.  He interviews four people, all of whom relate flashbacks of their encounters with Greta.  Each flashback is shown in 3-D (don’t worry, there’s a trippy red and blue visual cue so you know when to put on your glasses), contain lots of nudity, and are easily the best parts.  

In the first flashback, a former roommate reveals how Greta forced her to work like Cinderella while she participated in orgies.  In the second, Greta performs a sexy dance number behind a fluttering air curtain.  The third has her playing house with a soccer player (Robin Askwith).  They drink wine, she feeds him fruit, and then they hop in bed.  The final flashback finds Greta getting it on in a massage parlor with her boss.

Here’s a rundown on the 3-D effects:

·         3-D Bra
·         3-D Panties
·         3-D Feet
·         3-D Cigarette Holder
·         3-D Cigarette Holder (again)
·         3-D Feet (again)
·         3-D Punching Bag
·         3-D Wine Glasses (multiple)
·         3-D Grapes (multiple)
·         3-D Bananas (multiple)
·         3-D Robin Askwith
·         3-D Leena Skoog
·         3-D Whiskey Glass
·         3-D Broken Bottle
·         3-D Robin Askwith (again)

The effects themselves are a bit of a mixed bag.  The best effects are the ones where things come out of the foreground.  The effect of Greta riding back and forth on a swing really pops and the scene where she slowly comes forward blowing kisses at the audience is a showstopper.  The rest of the 3-D, especially the depth-of-field stuff, looks blurry and/or flat, but Walker does more with the gimmick than most directors.

Let’s make no mistake here, this is a gimmick movie.  Without the 3-D, Four Dimensions of Greta would’ve been completely forgettable.  The 3-D is just good enough to make it worthwhile.  It’s not as funny and fun as something like The Stewardesses, but it’s not bad, all things considered.

For a sex comedy, it’s not exactly funny, but there are a few chuckles to be had, most revolving around Robin Askwith.  (“Being with her was like getting a ball down the center!”)  As Greta, Skoog is a real find.  Admittedly, she’s not much of an actress.  She is incredibly sexy though and perks up the movie whenever she’s on screen.

It all kind of falls apart after the last 3-D sequence as the final act runs on a bit too long.  Still, there’s enough nudity to go around to keep you from getting bored.  As far as Pete Walker movies go, it’s probably the best one I’ve seen.

Walker’s next picture, The Flesh and Blood Show, also utilized the 3-D gimmick, but not nearly as well.

Rogers gets the best line of the movie when he says, “This is just like a cheap British sex movie!”

AKA:  Three Dimensions of Greta.

JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017) ½ *

I wanted to check out Jeepers Creepers 3 last fall when it played in theaters for one day as a part of a Fathom special event.  I never got around to it and had to settle for catching it on Netflix instead.  Now that I’ve seen it, I can honestly say that keeping it in a theater for one day was one day too many.  This is by far,the worst horror sequel I’ve subjected myself to in some time.

The Creeper (Jonathan Breck) is back, and this time, the townspeople are ready for him.  With the help of a severed hand that produces psychic visions (don’t ask), The Sheriff (Stan Shaw) and an old granny (Meg Foster) set out to take him down once and for all.  Meanwhile, Meg’s granddaughter (Gabrielle Haugh) has been kidnapped by The Creeper and locked away in his rusted-out, gadget-laden car.  

We don’t see a whole lot of The Creeper in this one, which is odd.  I mean none of the Jeepers Creepers movies are any good, but Breck at least cuts an imposing silhouette as the main monster.  Instead, director Victor Salva wastes a lot of screen time on The Creeper’s booby-trapped car.  I don’t know why they did this, but I’d rather see a crummy monster attack than a scene of people accidentally getting killed by an old rust bucket car any day.

Jeepers Creepers 3 is loaded with awful special effects, maybe explains why they didn’t want to spend a lot of time with The Creeper.  Bad CGI effects are to be expected in something like this, but the practical ones are surprisingly shoddy.  Take for instance the scene where The Creeper’s severed hand comes to life and grabs the townsfolk.  The hand looks like something out of an eight-year-old’s magic show.  There’s also an effect involving an eyeball popping out of its socket that is so phony that all I could do was sing, “Jeepers… Creepers… where’d you get THAT peeper?  K-Mart?I?”

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life, but I’m starting to think indiscriminately watching any horror movie with the numeral 3 is slowly becoming one of them.

Meg Foster and Stan Shaw deserve better than this mess.  All Foster gets to do is dig around in her backyard a lot and look spaced out like she’s in the midst of an Oxy high.  As the Sheriff, Shaw basically just barks orders out at his deputies without really ever doing much else.  He’s a job title in search of a character.

The only touch I like was the fact that this time The Creeper is equipped with a weapon that resembles the Glaive from Krull.  Fans of the series (if such a thing exists) will enjoy seeing how this one connects to the last entry.  Other than that, there’s not much here to recommend.

AKA:  Jeepers Creepers:  Ravenous.

If you’re hankering for more reviews of horror sequels (including my thoughts on Jeepers Creepers 2), you should check out my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, available now from Amazon.  You can order a copy here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

If you’re tech savvy, you can get the e-book version on Kindle:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07B6TBVG1/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1520120839&sr=8-2&keywords=mitch+lovell 

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (2018) *** ½

(Note:  I’ll try to keep this review as brief and spoiler-free as possible.)

The term “epic” gets thrown around a lot in Hollywood, but if any film deserves to be called epic, it’s Avengers:  Infinity War.  It’s a sprawling tale following over sixty characters on several different planets and sometimes on multiple planes of reality.  For ten years, The Marvel Cinematic Universe has been leaving breadcrumbs across nearly twenty movies to get to this moment and for the most part, it works as well as anyone could’ve hoped.

It’s overlong, sometimes unwieldy, and the seams threaten to come apart at any given moment.  There are a LOT of narrative balls to juggle.  YOU try to cram nine different franchises into a single movie.  Despite the massive length (which simultaneously feels too long and curiously rushed at the same time), the goodwill the characters have built up over the past decade and the sheer spectacle of the never-ending battle sequences and special effects set pieces glue everything together.

Infinity War really belongs to Thanos (Josh Brolin).  His presence dominates the film as the various Avengers, Guardians, and SHIELD agents splinter off and team up for their own side missions.  For an Avengers movie, I was surprised by how much the Guardians of the Galaxy were in it.  They are crucial to the narrative and help to bring much of the earthbound Marvel characters into the cosmos.  My favorite moments were the interactions between Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper).  (Thor calls him “rabbit”.)  The relationship between Spider-Man (Tom Holland) and Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) continues to impress, and the addition of Dr. Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) into their dynamic was a nice touch.  I did feel like Captain America (Chris Evans) kind of got the short end of the stick from a narrative standpoint, as did Black Panther (Chadwick Boseman), although the Wakanda-set finale is a real showstopper.

For sheer entertainment, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth.  It’s as close to a big comic book crossover as we’re likely ever to get.  I also liked seeing some familiar faces that we haven’t seen in a while popping up in cameos.

Some of the deaths of beloved characters seem like… well… overkill at times, especially near the end.  (I guess they were trying to make up for the lack of stakes in Civil War.)  That said, there was at least one moment that will probably get Marvel fans choked up.  Even then, I’m sure the filmmakers won’t have much trouble bringing most (or all) of them back at some point.  We won’t know for sure till the next one.

Spider-Man gets the best line of the movie when he gets to try on his Iron Spider suit for the first time and says, “It smells like a new car in here!”

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard:

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

PHANTOM THREAD (2017) *** ½

Paul Thomas Anderson reteamed with his There Will Be Blood star Daniel Day-Lewis for this melancholy character study of a compulsive fashion designer in the ‘50s.  This is probably Anderson’s most mannered and mature film yet, but it has a mean streak a mile wide that makes it crackle like some of his best work.  Day-Lewis delivers one of his all-time best performances, and if he is serious about retiring, he chose the perfect note to go out on.

Reynolds Woodcock (Day-Lewis) is thoroughly stuck in his ways.  When he meets a feisty waitress named Alma (Vicky Krieps), he is immediately taken with her and she quickly becomes his latest muse.  She soon learns that she must contend with Woodcock’s overbearing sister (Leslie Manville) for his affections.

The relationship between Woodcock and Alma keeps revealing new, weirder and weirder layers as the film goes along.  I particularly loved the early scene where he fits her for a dress.  She gazes at him longingly as he rattles off her measurements to his sister.  Alma is looking to him for affection and approval while Woodcock coldly reduces her to a series of numbers.  The scenes where she disrupts his precious routine leads to some hilarious banter that ranks right up there with some of Anderson’s finest dialogue.  

Phantom Thread moves at a methodical pace and is often cold and callus, but it’s filled with so much brittle humor and scathing bon mots that it never feels slow.  Whether Woodcock is belittling Alma for making “entirely too much movement” at the breakfast table or being forced to eat her awful asparagus (“Are you a special agent sent here to ruin my evening and possibly my entire life?”), their tense encounters are simultaneously gut-wrenching and hilarious.  While the film stops short of being a stone-cold classic (mostly due to its insistence to keep the audience at arm’s length the entire time), the performances, period costumes, and sizzling dialogue make it highly recommended.

MIDNIGHT COP (1988) * ½

Armin Mueller-Stahl stars as a detective investigating the death of a junkie.  He tracks down her drug dealer (Frank Stallone) and winds up falling in love with a classy prostitute (Morgan Fairchild).  The dope pusher is also entangled in a blackmail scheme with Michael York, who also happens to be a friend of Mueller-Stahl’s, which complicates matters.

If you’re a casting director looking for a hardscrabble police detective, Armin Mueller-Stahl is probably about the eighty-seventh guy you’d pick.  If you need someone to fill the role of someone’s crochety grandfather, he’d be a perfect fit.  He’s just all wrong for the part, which pretty much sinks Midnight Cop from the get-go.  (You also have to deal with a lot of scenes of him pawing and groping Fairchild, which is sure to churn your stomach.)  I did like the fact that they try to give him a lot of oddball character traits like eating pickles and listening to instrumental versions of “A Whiter Shade of Pale”.  

Mueller-Stahl’s investigation is very slow-going.  Even when something potentially cool occurs (like when he throws Stallone out of a window), it’s usually followed with a lot more inanity.  In the right hands, this could’ve been an odd septuagenarian twist on the usual private eye tropes.  Unfortunately, director Peter Patzak never makes it work.

Stallone fares well enough as the scuzzy pusher who in his big scene gives the girl a fix while she lays topless on his bed.  York does what he can, but he isn’t very convincing when he makes the switch from suave businessman to sweaty psycho.  I liked Fairchild as the sexy call girl, although I must admit she could’ve been in it more.  Had she gotten naked for her sex scenes, it might’ve given this weird and slow movie a reason to exist.  Other than that, it’s a big waste of time.

AKA:  Killing Blue.

RAILROAD TIGERS (2017) **

Jackie Chan is the leader of a team of freedom fighters who rob railroad cars during the Japanese occupation of China.  Chan and his crew take in a wounded soldier who failed to blow up a bridge controlled by the Japanese.  After he is murdered by Japanese soldiers, Jackie and his crew decide to complete the mission.

Railroad Tigers got started off on the wrong foot by including unnecessary title cards every time a new character was introduced.  It would be one thing if the title cards were reserved only for Jackie and his crew, but it seems like every blessed character gets their own introductory title card complete with annoying animation.  What’s worse is that they keep introducing characters a full half hour into the movie!

Some of the humor is a little darker than most of Chan’s stuff.  (Like the part where one of his team finds a severed foot and he sees if the shoe is his size.)  While I appreciate Chan trying to go down a bit of a darker route, none of it is really funny.  I did like the part where Chan and his crew acrobatically scale a building only to learn a ladder was there the whole time.  These little flashes of Chan’s old school magic are few and far between though.

The best moment comes near the end during the tank battle aboard the train.  This is a fun, large-scale sequence that is unfortunately oh-so-brief.  It’s a shame there wasn’t more of this level of mayhem throughout the rest of the picture.  As it stands, Railroad Tigers is an OK, but forgettable historical Chan outing.

HEADSHOT (2017) *** ½

Iko Uwais stars as an amnesiac who washes ashore.  A pretty doctor (Chelsea Islan) looks after him and tries to help him remember his past.  Before long, a vicious kingpin (Sunny Pang) sends his men looking for Uwais.

Headshot is a tough, mean, and violent action flick that is a great vehicle for Iko Uwais.  If you loved him in The Raid, you’re guaranteed to enjoy this one.  It’s full of brutal, bloody fight scenes, and contains one of Uwais’ best performances to date.

I especially liked the early scenes where Pang’s henchman went to work on a rival gang.  Besi (Very Tri Yulisman, Baseball Bat Man from The Raid 2) is an unassuming guy with glasses and Riki (Julie Estelle, Hammer Girl from The Raid 2) is a quiet woman with a scarf around her face.  They are severely underestimated by the other gang and the duo wind up mopping the floor with dozens of people without breaking a sweat.

Uwais gets an excellent fight sequence on a bus full of slaughtered passengers.  He gets doused with gasoline and must fight off a thug waving a lighter.  After narrowly beating him, along comes a guy brandishing a torch.  It’s a perfect out-of-the-frying-pan-and-into-the-fire moment, but the scene keeps finding new ways to escalate from there, which makes it a real treat.

There is also an extended assault on a police station that is very much like something out of The Raid.  First, Uwais fights a machete-wielding maniac while tied to a desk before battling a shotgun-toting killer while hiding under a series of desks, until participating in an all-out brawl with a baldheaded lunatic who gets hit with everything from telephones to typewriters to paper cutters and keeps on coming after Uwais.  This sequence alone makes Headshot Uwais’ best solo vehicle since The Raid 2.

At nearly two hours, it does run on a bit too long.  The final three fights, though more personal and ugly, lack the panache and jaw-dropping madness of the stuff found in the second act.  That is only a minor quibble as Headshot remains another must-see from Uwais.