COME OUT AND PLAY (2013) **

Come Out and Play is a dull, dreary, and completely unnecessary remake of Who Can Kill a Child?  It’s sort of reminiscent of the Cabin Fever remake in that there is no real drive to the movie.  There’s also no real point to it either.

A vacationing couple are annoyed that there’s a big festival in town, so they rent a boat to visit a nearby island.  They soon discover the place is completely deserted, save for a bunch of miscreant children.  Eventually, the killer children come after the couple and they’re forced to fight for their lives.

Like Who Can Kill a Child?, the first half of the movie is extremely slow moving.  The original’s use of real newsreel footage of children suffering worldwide was grotesque and disturbing, but at the very least, it was memorable.  That footage is nowhere to be seen in this version.  Without that nasty kick, Come Out and Play is about as generic and hollow a remake as they come.

I did enjoy the fact that Vinessa Shaw played the very pregnant wife.  Her performance in Ladybugs left a lasting impression on me when I was a teenager, so I never miss an opportunity to see her in a film.  Unfortunately, she isn’t given much to do.  Ebon Moss-Bachrach is thoroughly unmemorable as the husband too.  Without compelling leads, it’s hard to care what happens to them.  You know you’re in trouble when you start rooting for the bloodthirsty brats.

Writer/director “Makinov” goes for the same slow-burn type of suspense of the original, and likewise comes up short.  The pacing is sluggish, and the suspense sequences quickly fizzle out.  These scenes rarely escalate.  Instead, it just kind of flatlines.  There aren’t any real scares either.  Things just sort of happen.  The final reel where our hero starts socking kids left and right has a little oomph to it, but it’s not nearly enough to justify the slower-than-slow slow burn beginning.

AKA:  The Child.

BACKTRACE (2018) **

After making a successful getaway, Matthew Modine and his bank robbing cohorts meet to split up the cash in the middle of the woods.  There is a disagreement about how to divvy up the loot, a shootout unfolds, and Modine is shot in the head and left for dead.  He winds up going to prison for the crime but is sprung by a young thief (top-billed Ryan Guzman) who wants to know where the money is hidden.  The only catch is Modine’s brain injury causes him to have severe amnesia. Luckily for him, the thieves have an advanced super drug that can help jog his memory.  

This is an okay set-up for a crime thriller.  The follow-through is a bit lackluster though.  The twist ending is decent, but it’s not enough to really make or break it.

I’ve always been a big Matthew Modine fan, so it was fun for me to see him matching wits against Sylvester Stallone.  I mean who would’ve thought we’d ever see Louden Swain go up against Rocky Balboa?  (Or, if you prefer, Private Joker versus Rambo.)  Too bad they only share one brief scene together.

Oh yeah, Stallone is in this movie.  It’s a shame his character is a supporting player, even though he gets second billing.  He seems disinterested most of the time, probably because he knows literally anyone could’ve played this nothing role.  (He spends most his screen time standing in front of a police peg board talking to Christopher McDonald and trying to figure out Modine’s next move.)

If you haven’t already guessed, this is one of those Grindstone Entertainment movies in which the filmmakers get a big name star to work a day or two, then they build a plot around them that only makes occasional use for their character.  I’m not a fan of this filmmaking process, but we are treated to a funny shootout scene in the end where Sly is never in the same frame as the guys he’s shooting.  Obviously, they filmed the bad guys getting shot on one day and the scenes of Sly firing the gun was added in later.

I could’ve enjoyed all this if the film had more of those corny touches.  However, the annoying shaky-cam scenes of Modine clutching his temples and trying to remember something during a blue-tinted flashback really tested my patience.  The action isn’t bad either, but it’s limited to the opening and closing scenes, which makes the second act a bit of a chore to sit through.  

In short, you may need some of Modine’s super memory drug by the time all is said and done, because Backtrace is thoroughly forgettable.

AKA:  Flashback.  AKA:  Amnesia.

THE ICEMAN (2013) ** ½

The Iceman tells the true story of Richard Kuklinski (Michael Shannon), the notorious hitman known as “The Iceman”.  Kuklinski goes from working as a porno editor to performing hits for the Mob virtually overnight, thanks to his coldblooded demeanor.  Despite his callous brutality, he’s also devoted family man who sees murder as a way to put food on the table and provide for his wife (Winona Ryder).  Naturally, he never tells her what he does for a living, and resorts to leading a double life. 

Usually, when you have a such a coldblooded character at the center of your picture, it’s hard to make him someone the audience can care about. Luckily, Shannon’s poker face is a lot more interesting and expressive than most actors who are acting their heart out.  Sadly, despite Shannon’s cool and calculated performance, the film itself is a bit of a misfire.

Shannon always holds your attention, but the movie itself stops short of drawing you in.  The message of the film is a bit muddled too.  The big takeaway here isn’t so much “crime doesn’t pay” as it is “don’t hide shit from your wife”. 

While The Iceman is absorbing in the early going, it sort of loses its way once Shannon becomes excommunicated from the Mob and takes up with a freelance hitman who works out of an ice cream truck.  This is the kind of role someone like Sam Rockwell or Nicolas Cage could’ve excelled in.  Instead, we get Chris Evans, who is sorely miscast and looks laughable in his bad wig, grungy goatee, and gaudy sunglasses.  He tries way too hard to unsuccessfully shed his Captain America image and winds up coming off more like a lame Saturday Night Live character in the process.  

The good news is the cast is filled top to bottom with some great actors in small parts.  While Ryder is kind of wasted in a thankless role, Stephen Dorff, James Franco, and Robert Davi make memorable impressions in their brief screen time.  Ray Liotta has some excellent scenes too as Shannon’s harried boss.  It’s enough to make you wish he had a bit more to do because whenever he’s onscreen, The Iceman briefly heats up.

TEENAGE JUNGLE (1959) **

A stern-faced District Attorney (Herbert Heyes) calls the parents and guardians of various juvenile delinquents into his office and chastises them for their lack of parental supervision.  We then see flashbacks of a teenage party being raided by the cops where two delinquent car-thieving brothers are arrested.  More flashbacks of other juvenile delinquents, hard-luck gamblers, and assorted underworld types follow.  All these characters are connected in some way to Jim Murray (Wheeler Oakman) a gangster, who after a long prison stretch, now wants to set his wayward son (Johnny Duncan, Robin from the old Batman and Robin serial) on the straight and narrow. 

Teenage Jungle is a cut-and-paste Juvenile Delinquent movie.  The wraparound footage with the D.A. is new, but the long chunks of flashback footage is from Gambling with Souls and Slaves in Bondage.  The effect isn’t exactly convincing to begin with, and the editing only gets worse as it goes along.  (Things get particularly choppy in the last act.)  The cinematography between the three films doesn’t match either, which only adds to the cobbled-together feel. 

Teenage Jungle works up to a point.  The early dance sequences are good for a few laughs.  I mean, nothing says “Juvenile Delinquents” like a pair of twins doing gymnastic dance numbers in someone’s living room.  The Gambling with Souls scenes play out rather well in their condensed form too.  The fact that the running time is less than an hour certainly helps as well. 

The problem is this thing was a half-assed, re-edited attempt at a Juvenile Delinquent movie.  Instead of catering to the genre demands, the narrative is filled with scenes from old “Scare Pictures”.  In lieu of things like hot-rodding teens, bobbysoxers, and malt shops, we get a lot of baloney about the dangers of drinking, gambling, and crime.  In the process, the film falls somewhere in between a scare picture and an honest to goodness Juvenile Delinquent pic, and winds up failing to hit the highlights of either genre. 

The highpoint of the movie is Oakman.  He also appeared in Gambling with Souls and Slaves in Bondage and seeing him turning up in all three sections of Teenage Jungle gives it a bit of consistency.  (Even if he is called by three different names.)  It’s kind of a kick seeing the slightly older and wiser Oakman trying to repent for his past sins in the other films.  In a way, it’s kind of like Boyhood, as you see the character gradually age before your very eyes.  That doesn’t exactly save the flick, but it is pretty neat.

AKA:  Teen Age.

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 3 (1996) *** ½

Something Weird’s nearly two-hour collection of grindhouse and exploitation trailers is a must for genre buffs.  95% of the trailers included are full-length, but I did enjoy the string of thirty-second ads and/or TV spots that were wedged in there too.  It features a good blend of subgenres, some great-looking rarities, and a few undeniable classics.

Among them:  Horror High, Revenge of the Cheerleaders, The Blood Spattered Bride, Don’t Look in the Basement (which rips off the Last House on Left advertising campaign with its famous tagline, “To Avoid Fainting Keep Repeating, It’s Only a Movie!”), The Dorm That Dripped Blood, The Van, Hot Summer Week!, Black Eye, Class of ‘74, The Teasers, Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw, Madhouse, Creatures the World Forgot, Thumb Tripping, Satan’s Cheerleaders, The Female Butcher, Goodbye Emmanuelle, Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon, Deadly China Doll, Caged Heat, The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, Pussycat Pussycat I Love You, The Yum Yum Girls, Commuter Husbands, Carry on Emmanuelle, Angel Angel Down We Go, Bad Georgia Road, High Wild and Free, Ruby (with its great tagline:  “Christened in blood... raised in sin... she’s sweet sixteen... let the party begin!”), The Legend of the Wolf Woman, Cheerleaders’ Beach Party, Superchick, The Mini-Skirt Mob, Deranged, Summerlust, Blood of the Dragon, The Fountain of Love, The Loners, Shame of the Jungle, Trouble Man, The Savage Seven, Dirty O’Neil the Love Life of a Cop, Angel Unchained, Maid in Sweden, The Swinging Barmaids, Tomcats (“They’re up your skirt before you can flirt!”), The Hard Ride, Super Stooges vs. the Wonder Women, Seven Blows of the Dragon, A Long Ride from Hell, They’re Coming to Get You (AKA:  All the Colors of the Dark), The Three Fantastic Supermen, Sadismo (a crazy looking Mondo movie about sadism around the world, Bogard (AKA:  Black Fist), Black Samson, Black Shampoo, Dr. Black Mr. Hyde (“Don’t give him no sass or he’ll kick your ass!”), Destroy All Monsters, Night of the Lepus, Frogs (“Today the pond!  Tomorrow the world!”), The Last Porno Flick, Scream Blacula Scream, and City on Fire. 

Overall, there are plenty of terrific trailers here.  Caged Heat, Ruby, and Tomcats were among my faves.  Having a heavy concentration on cheerleader movies, biker flicks, and Blaxploitation actioners didn’t hurt either.  At 110 minutes, it’s a little on the long side and kind of stalls out near the home stretch, but of all the trailer compilations I’ve watched recently, this one is my favorite.  

ORLOFF AGAINST THE INVISIBLE MAN (1970) ** ½

Dr. Garondet (Francis Valladares) is summoned to the castle of Dr. Orloff (Howard Vernon) to treat a mysterious patient.  When he arrives, he is given the cold shoulder by all the servants who try to impress upon him his services are not required.  Garondet does some snooping around the castle and eventually learns Orloff has created an Invisible Man who has sinister, lusty urges. 

This was the fifth of seven Dr. Orloff movies and only one of two that weren’t directed by Jess Franco.  In his place, we have Pierre (Panther Squad) Chevalier, and he does a competent enough job.  (He delivers at least one genuinely spinetingling shot of a funeral procession walking past a lake.)  I suspect Franco would’ve ratcheted up the sleaze factor a bit more, but Orloff Against the Invisible Man is a decent enough slice of exploitation hokum.

The set-up is extremely sluggish though.  Valladares’ dull performance doesn’t especially help to perk things up.  However, if you’re patient enough, you’ll be treated to an atmospheric flashback sequence involving a pair of horny grave robbers.  This stretch of the film is a lot of fun, and taken on its own terms, would’ve made a great chapter in an anthology horror movie.  

The Invisible Man effects are surprisingly well done.  There aren’t many of them, and they are all rather brief.  However, there aren’t any visible strings when books and food trays and what-have-yous are floating around in thin air.  The invisible rape scene isn’t a patch on the one found in The Entity, but it does feature a woman writhing naked on a bale of hay while the camera zooms in and out awkwardly to simulate the invisible thrusting, so it has that going for it.

All this seems like your typical invisible rapist movie until the finale when the Invisible Man gets hit with a bag of flour and you can at last see what he really looks like.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling his appearance, but the big reveal retroactively adds another uneasy layer to the film’s overall sleaziness.  I will spoil the fact that the title is misleading as Orloff doesn’t fight the Invisible Man.  I have to deduct a Half Star from any flick that promises the sight (heh) of Howard Vernon air wrestling an alleged Invisible Man and then doesn’t deliver.   

AKA:  Orloff and the Invisible Man.  AKA:  The Invisible Ghost.  AKA:  Love Life of the Invisible Man.  AKA:  Dr Orloff’s Invisible Monster.

FANTASTIC MOVIE TRAILERS HD 3: THE DOMINATION (2017) *** ½

Montreal Film Studio returns with another installment of trashy trailers of grungy grindhouse favorites (not to mention a few intermission ads thrown in there for good measure).  They loaded this thing from top to bottom with a bevy of different genres.  From slasher to Blaxploitation.  From Kung Fu to biker movie.  Any exploitation fan worth their salt should get a kick out of this collection. 

Among the trailers featured are Curtains, Honky, Deranged, The Lawyer, Kenner, The Raiders of Atlantis, The Tongfather, The Deadly Spawn, Savage!, The Grim Reaper, Eunuch of the Western Palace, Dixie Dynamite, Lola’s Mistake, Doctor Butcher M.D., The Electric Chair, The Last of the Secret Agents?, Eye of the Cat, The Minx, Flesh Gordon, The 44 Specialist, Penitentiary, The Evil, The Pom Pom Girls, The Man from Hong Kong, Who Saw Her Die?, Boss, The Northville Cemetery Massacre, Supermanchu (“Rated R for ‘Righteous!’”), Amazing Grace, The Green Slime, Act of Vengeance, Dead End Drive-In, Mark of the Witch, and Maid in Sweden.  

There’s a nice balance of obscure-o titles sprinkled in with the time-tested perennial classics.  As much as I enjoyed seeing some of my favorite trailers again (particularly Deranged, The Deadly Spawn, and Doctor Butcher M.D.), it was the oddball movies that really got my blood pumping.  I had never seen many of the trailers featured in this compilation.  Heck, there were a lot of movies here I never even heard of.  Because of that, Fantastic Trailers HD 3:  The Domination has a real sense of discovery about it that its predecessors just don’t have.  I’ve added many of the films here to my “Must Watch” list because of this compilation, which is about the highest praise you can bestow on something like this.  I mean how can you not want to see a flick with a title like Eunuch of the Western Palace?