SEX OF THE WITCH (1973) **

A rich patriarch condemns his backstabbing family on his deathbed.  After the reading of the will, the family members go off and shag like minxes.  Then one of the family members gets bludgeoned to death by a mace.  There is more revelry as his relatives go out and continue to shag like minxes.  A diary that contains a detailed history of the family’s sordid past (including an ancestor who dabbled in “gene manipulation”) may hold the secret to the killer’s identity.   That is, if the relatives can stop shagging like minxes long enough to pay attention.

Sex of the Witch is kind of like a Reading of the Will movie from the ’30 reimagined as a lurid Euro-thriller of the ‘70s.  It’s short on plot and filled with scenes of sleaze and sex.  That sounds like a promising idea, but most of the sexual encounters are brief or low on nudity.  Still, they are rather plentiful, which helps keep you watching.  A swinging orgy at a club while an acid rock combo sings “Yes, I Know” is among the highlights.  My favorite scene though was when I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton was taken by force by a dude brandishing deadly silver fingernails. 

Keaton isn’t the main character, but she gives the best performance as one of the many horny relatives.  Her haunted eyes and creamy skin make her stand out in a cast full of Italian sexpots.  You’ll wish she had more screen time as she is far and away the most memorable presence in the film.

The title is slightly misleading, but it sort of makes sense if you stick around long enough.  Likewise, the reveal of the killer is farfetched, although you might be entertained by it if you can get yourself on the movie’s oddball frequency.  It’s so slow moving and confusing that I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t make it that far.  I will say the denouement goes on far too long as all the shots of people looking perplexed and/or randomly laughing hysterically will probably leave you in the same boat. 

ONE MISSED CALL (2005) **

I usually regard watching J-Horror as the cinematic equivalent of eating my vegetables.  It isn’t my favorite horror subgenre, but I think with more exposure, I gain a better appreciation for it, even though most of the modern movies are pretty crappy.  I sort of enjoyed the American remake of One Missed Call, so I figured I would give the original a whirl.  The fact that it was directed by Takashi Miike didn’t hurt.

One Missed Call is an obvious variation on The Ring.  Instead of people dying after watching a cursed videotape, they die after not answering their cellphone.  The mysterious caller leaves a message with an audio recording of how they will die in the next few days.  After Yumi’s (Ko Shibasaki) friends are killed by the curse, she too receives the ominous phone message.  With her days numbered, she turns to Hiroshi (Shinichi Tsutsumi) for help.  His sister also died from the killer call, and together, they race against the clock to save Yumi’s life. 

While it’s interesting to see such an out-there auteur like Miike tackling a mainstream idea, the results are decidedly mixed.  There are a couple of stretches where the premise really works.  Miike delivers a solid set-up and manages to attain a modicum of atmosphere.  He even pulls off a handful of effective moments.  (The appearances of the ghost’s hands are especially memorable.)

The real issue is the overlength.  While this might’ve made for a crackerjack eighty-eight-minute movie, the premise really buckles thanks to a running time that borders on two hours.  Not to mention the fact that for every sort of cool moment Miike gives us, there is another that tries our patience or just plain doesn’t work.  The plot also makes a few odd detours that could’ve easily been excised in the cutting room and no one would’ve missed them.  There are also about two too many fake-out endings in the third act that also add unnecessarily to the running time.

I have to say that while there are a few choice moments here, for the most part, the movie is a frustrating experience overall.  I enjoyed the remake more because of its sharper focus.  (Even then, it really wasn’t all that great).  If this One Missed Calls calls you, hang up.

AKA:  You’ve Got a Call.  AKA:  The Call.

XTRO 3 (1995) *

A Marine captain leads a platoon of grunts to a long-deserted military internment camp on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their mission is to track down and detonate any and all landmines that may have been left behind on the island.  When they accidentally set off a mine, it cracks open a large cement slab containing a killer alien who goes around and begins making short work of the soldiers.

Man, if you thought Xtro 2 was bad, wait till you see this one.  (Or better yet, don’t.)   Not only does it contain some of the worst CGI you’ve ever seen, it features some of the most annoying characters in film history.  It’s like as soon as they show up, they’re like, “Hi, we’re the soldiers from Xtro 3, and we’ll be annoying the shit out of you for the next ninety minutes.”  Seriously, I was rooting for the little alien pipsqueak to turn all of them into Alien Chow about two minutes into the movie. 

The alien is of the generic Close Encounters/Fire in the Sky variety, so it’s apparent that very little thought went into creating the creature.  Not only does the movie steal from Close Encounters, the alien can also camouflage itself just like the Predator.  (He even rips a guy’s spine out in one scene.)  There’s also a scene in which he pukes acid in a guy’s face just like The Fly.  He does make spider webs to trap his prey, so I guess that’s novel.

What’s strange is that all three Xtros were made by the same guy, Harry Bromley Davenport.  The first film is straight-up classic, which makes the fact that the sequels are so shitty seem inexplicable.  It’s like Davenport took everything that made the original memorable and chucked it out the window when it came time to make 2 and 3.  (All the Xtros are unrelated, for whatever reason.)

The cast is mostly amateurish, but we do have the great Robert Culp in a few scenes as the Major who sends the troops on their mission.  Whatever air of respectability the movie has comes from Culp.  There’s also Wishmaster’s Andrew Divoff as the asshole in charge, and Tom Hanks…’s brother, Jim as one of the soldiers. 

AKA:  Xtro 3:  Watch the Skies.

DEATHMOON (1978) **

I have a soft spot in my heart for ‘70s Made for TV horror movies.  Even though they usually turn out crappy, there’s something about the kitschy clothes, the staid production values, and casts full of familiar television faces that is something of a comfort to me.   The same goes for werewolf movies.  I’ll watch just about anything that’s got an actor with crepe hair glued to his face.  I’ll be the first one to admit that Deathmoon is not good, but I’m still glad I watched it.

Robert Foxworth stars as an overworked businessman plagued by bad dreams.  His shrink tells him he needs a vacation, so he goes to Hawaii for some rest and relaxation.  While at his resort, he hits it off with a fellow vacationer (Barbara Trentham), but seems to have a pesky habit of turning into a werewolf whenever the moon is full.  How can he find romance when he’s busy at night giving the other guests a nice Hawaiian Munch?

I think this might be the first Hawaiian werewolf movie in cinema history.  While Deathmoon is far from the quality of the old Lon Chaney films, I can’t exactly fault everyone in the cast and crew for taking a paid vacation to Hawaii to make this flick.  In fact, it feels like the screenwriters changed up the werewolf lore just so they could scam the studio out of a free trip to Hawaii.  Instead of gypsies, caravans, and pentagrams, we have Polynesian dancers, luaus, and tiki statues.  Okay, sure.  Whatever gets you a free Hawaiian vacation, buddy.

I’m used to seeing Foxworth with a beard, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to see him turn into a werewolf.  The werewolf make-up isn’t bad either as it looks sort of like the Paul Naschy version.  Unfortunately, we don’t see a whole heck of a lot of it.  You also have to wait a long time before Foxworth finally turns into the werewolf, but on the plus side, it’s a pretty good old-fashioned lap-dissolve transformation scene.

The supporting cast includes Jake and the Fatman’s Joe Penny as the hotel’s house detective and Welcome Back, Kotter’s Debralee Scott, who takes a Made for TV shower.  I like Penny and all (I’m a confirmed Riptide fan), but his subplot eats up a lot of screen time.  It’s almost like he’s angling to turn the production into a backdoor pilot for a supernatural Hawaiian detective show.  (Would that make it HOWLwaiian Five-O?)

I wanted to like Deathmoon more than I did, but the slow pacing ultimately sunk it for me.  The padding in the form of musical numbers by the house band at the resort were especially time consuming.  While the transformation during the final reel is a winner, the finale itself feels rushed, which is strange since it seemingly took forever to get there. 

GLASS TRAP (2005) **

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (using his “Ed Raymond” pseudonym), Glass Trap is kind of like a loose remake of the 1977 Made for TV Movie, Ants.  The big difference is that this time, the ants are giant-sized killers.  The setting is different too as the ants invade a luxury skyrise and not a swanky country club.  However, both films rely heavily on ‘70s disaster movie tropes, so even if it isn’t remake in the truest sense, it would at the very least make a good double feature with Ants. 

Like any good (or in this case, middling) When Animals Attack flick, there are parts that rip off Jaws.  (There’s talk about the ants’ “bite radius”.)  We also have the gratuitous Die Hard homage where are cast have to crawl around in a ventilation shaft.  There’s one touch that only Fred Olen Ray would put into a movie like this, and that’s the scene where the ants disrupt a lingerie photo shoot on the roof of the building.  Sadly, this is strictly a PG-13 deal, so Ray doesn’t stray into the T & A antics of his “Bikini” franchise.

The supporting cast is pretty decent.  In fact, they are more entertaining to watch than the killer ant stuff.  Stella Stevens is the most fun as the wisecracking magazine editor who says stuff like, “Screw you, Jiminy Cricket!” while smashing ants with a golf club or giving ultimatums like, “You can go with me or you can stay here and become ant food!”  Brent Huff (as a thief), Andrew Prine (as the sheriff), and Martin Kove (as the cigar-chomping soldier of fortune brought in to kill the ants) also make the most of their sparse screen time.  Fans of Ray’s stock company of reliable regulars will enjoy seeing Peter Spellos (as the owner of a nursery) and Richard Gabai (as the coroner) popping up too.

C. Thomas Howell stars as the ex-con janitor hero.  You’ve got to feel for Howell.  One moment, you’re working with Francis Ford Coppola in The Outsiders and the next, you’re getting knocked unconscious by a wooden duck in a Fred Olen Ray movie. 

The ants are a combination of rubbery special effects and CGI and they’re pretty good, all things considered (at least when compared to its Syfy Channel counterparts of the era).  The sound effects they make are pretty annoying though.  (It sounds like someone typing furiously on a keyboard.)  Also, despite the PG-13 rating, there’s still a rather gnarly skeleton reveal. 

It moves along at a steady clip, I suppose.  However, a lot of Glass Trap is really dumb.  Like the fact that the ants are scared of heavy metal music.  Or the female federal agent who faints every time she sees a dead body.  You’d expect that shit from a movie in the ‘30s, but it seems pretty condescending in a modern film.

I’m not going to try to burn Glass Trap with a magnifying glass or anything, but it certainly isn’t a classic of the Killer Ant genre by any means.

AKA:  Insects.

COMBAT SHOCK (1984) *** ½

Buddy Giovinazzo made his directing debut with this audacious, jaw-dropping, and hella depressing drama that is sure to surprise many viewers.  His brother Rick stars (and did the music) as Frankie, who comes home from Vietnam suffering from PTSD.  Broke and out of work, he lives in squalor with his nagging wife (Veronica Stork) and mutant baby.  (That Agent Orange will play hell with your ability to reproduce.)  His friends are junkies, the city is filled with crime, and there seems to be no way to claw himself out of the living hell he finds himself in.  To make matters worse, Frankie begins having Nam flashbacks and starts having trouble distinguishing them from reality. 

Combat Shock was released by Troma, and while it does contain its share of gore and grossness, it’s unlike their usual fare.  It feels like someone took Taxi Driver, Eraserhead, Platoon, and Deadbeat at Dawn, tossed them into a blender, hit the PUREE button, and then smashed it into a million pieces with a sledgehammer.  Despite the obvious influences, it still manages to find its own unique voice. 

This is one bleak, nightmarish, and offbeat movie.  It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.  You know it’s not going to end well, and you feel disgusted and helpless the whole damned time because you’re powerless to stop it, but you just can’t look away.  Not for a second.

Sure, there are some stretches that go on a bit too long.  Some of the side business with Frankie’s junkie pals and other assorted street urchins could’ve probably be trimmed back a bit.  However, whenever the film is mining Frankie’s nightmarish psychological state, it’s gripping stuff.

After this film, Buddy tried to get a Maniac sequel starring Joe Spinell off the ground, which unfortunately never got made.  After that, he only had sporadic credits, and that’s unfortunate because as evidenced here, he has a distinct cinematic vision.  Rick promptly gave up acting after this film and went on to do music for big budget studio movies.  (That should come as no surprise because the music here is excellent.) 

AKA:  American Nightmare.  AKA:  After Vietnam.

LOVELY BUT DEADLY (1981) ***

When her brother dies of an overdose, a high school cheerleader named Lovely (Lucinda Dooling) wages a one-woman war against the drug dealers that control the school.  No one wants to prosecute the head honcho, the awesomely named Mantis Managian (Rick Moser) because he’s the captain of the football team.  Lovely jumps into action to take him down and quickly learns he’s just a small fish in a big pond.  The real crooks are a pair of local businessmen who are in cahoots with (gasp!) Lovely’s square boyfriend (Mark Holden)!

Lovely but Deadly is anchored by a great performance by Lucinda Dooling.  It’s a shame she only had a handful of acting credits because she is spunky, likeable, and fun to watch in this.  She really gives it her all, and her earnestness is only matched by her enthusiasm, which is infectious. 

Basically, what we have here is a teenage white girl version of Coffy.  What it lacks in style (it looks like a TV movie), it makes up for in fun.  Despite the subject matter, Lovely but Deadly is more goofy than exploitative.  Take for example the great scene where three thugs steal swords and masks from the high school fencing team and fight Lovely in shop class.  Or the scene where she gets jumped by her fellow pep squad members in the locker room.  Or the big catfight that takes place at a swanky catered costume party (an obvious nod to Coffy). 

It also moves at a relatively brisk pace, which certainly helps.  Although the laughs (intentional and otherwise) become sparser as the film goes along, the big speedboat chase has a great punchline.  You can’t take a second of it seriously, but you’ll probably have a big grin on your face the whole time.

The supporting cast is full of familiar faces.  We have Judd Omen and Irwin Keyes as henchmen, Marie Windsor as Lovely’s aunt, Linda Shayne as a teen, and Richard Herd and Mel Novak as the villains.  It’s really Dooling’s performance that ties it all together.  Whenever she’s front and center karate-kicking drug dealers, Lovely but Deadly is a lot of fun.