TUBI CONTINUED… BIKINI GIRLS VS. DINOSAURS (2014) **

After dispatching a squadron of enemy spacecraft, the sexy Bikini Girls, Tansy (Toria Pardoe), Cala (Hannah Robson), and Solara (Kul Sarai) are given the drab assignment of escorting their Wicked Stepmother, Voluptina (Caroline Vella) to a boring space party.  Voluptina naturally hates their guts and devises a way to dispose of the girls inside a conveniently placed black hole.  The Bikini Girls crash their ship on Earth in the Jurassic era and must find some plutonium to fuel their ship and get home.  On their quest, they have to contend with a bunch of dinosaurs who want to eat them for lunch.   

Bikini Girls vs. Dinosaurs contains a bunch of terrible CGI effects, but you probably expected that from a movie called Bikini Girls vs. Dinosaurs.  As far as terrible CGI effects in something like this goes, they aren’t too bad.  I mean, they’re totally not good.  However, unlike most low budget sci-fi cheesecake flicks, there is a cheesiness to the space battles (they look like a bargain bin version of the dogfights from Star Wars) and dinosaurs that is sort of endearing.

I think the special effects team really tried their best when it came to the CGI.  The practical effects are another story.  One alien is nothing more than a stuffed animal puppet, and another utilizes Annoying Orange technology.  The costume on the robot is pretty good though.  

Really, it all comes down to the bikini scenes, and they are okay, I guess.  The three actresses keep their bikinis on at all times, which is a bit of a bummer.  However, they do look great (especially Robson) during their go-go dancing and cheerleading scenes, so it’s hard to complain too much.  Ultimately, while the flick gets by on cheesy effects and bikini scenes, there aren’t any genuine laughs to be had.  (The filmstrip explaining America in the 20th century is amusing, but it doesn’t score any laugh-out-loud moments.)  Fortunately, it only runs fifty-three minutes, but even then, it still feels about ten minutes too long.

KILL OR BE KILLED (1976) *** ½

You know how it is.  You’re out of work, but then you get a sweet job being part of some bad guy’s Kung Fu army out in the middle of the desert.  Only you were so desperate for dough that you didn’t bother to check the guy’s background before signing up.  Now, as it turns out he’s a Nazi.  Bummer.  

So, if you’re like our hero Steve (James Ryan), you do what any Kung Fu mercenary would do in that situation.  You escape into the desert with your girlfriend (whom you met while she was also in your Nazi employer’s Kung Fu army) in tow.  Naturally, once your employer kidnaps her and tries to force you to fight for his elite Kung Fu team, there’s only one thing to do:  Join the other guy’s fighting force and kick some ass.  

Kill or Be Killed starts off with a great From Russia With Love-style opening credits sequence where the titles are projected onto the bodies of sweaty Kung Fu fighters.  That perfectly sets the tone for the next ninety minutes or so.  There’s a ton of action and not many lulls in between the fight scenes, car chases, and Kung Fu battles.  We also get a lot of weird moments along the way (like when Ryan disassembles a Volkswagen Beetle with his bare hands and turns it into a land sailboat) to remind you that this ain’t no ordinary martial arts movie.  

Whenever things do threaten to slow down, there’s a completely gratuitous fight scene complete with breaking furniture, smashed knickknacks, and smashing doors to hold your attention.  All of this isn’t exactly great, but the movie has an odd energy and plenty of personality, which at the very least sets it apart from other similar Kung Fu flicks of the era.  Plus, it has one of the most memorable final karate battles I’ve seen in some time.  

In short, Kill or Be Killed is a fun way to kill ninety minutes.  

AKA:  Karate Killer.  AKA:  Karate Olympiad.

AQUA TEEN FOREVER: PLANTASM (2022) ** ½

This long-awaited (at least by me) sequel to Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters is likely to confound (and annoy) anyone unfamiliar with the animated TV show.  I’ll be completely honest, even die-hard fans may have a hard time warming to it as it’s definitely not in the same league as the first movie (or the show).  However, when it hits the sweet spot (which admittedly, isn’t as often as I would’ve hoped), the results are hilarious.  

This sequel picks up with everyone’s favorite team of fast-food superheroes going their separate ways.  Meatwad is living in an animal shelter, Master Shake is homeless, and Frylock has gotten a job at an Amazon-like corporation.  When Frylock inadvertently helps the company’s evil billionaire CEO create an army of plant monsters, it's up to the Aqua Teens to reunite and save the day.

As with Colon Movie Film For Theaters, Plantasm gets off to such a great start that the rest of the movie is perpetually in catch-up mode.  The fever pitch opening has several big laughs and manages to contain references to everything from Star Wars to The Thing to Space Jam.  Too bad there are some serious lulls in the laughs after that.  It would’ve been an even tougher sit if the Mooninites didn’t keep showing up to interrupt the feature.  Their frequent (and funny) appearances help prevent the film from being a real disappointment.  

This review is coming from a fan of the show.  While it wasn’t exactly worth the wait, it did have its moments.  Your average episode of the show is only about fifteen minutes long.  That’s about the perfect length for the concept, to be honest.  A seventy-five-minute feature is kind of stretching it.  The brilliance of the show is that it’s about a team of superheroes who never really fight crime and spend most of the episodes in their rented home being shitty roommates to one another.  The concept kind of loses something when they actually have to, you know, save the world and stuff.  

It also doesn’t help that they spend so much of the movie apart.  Once they finally get the band back together, there’s a spark of what made the original show so beloved.  It’s just a shame that spark isn’t prevalent throughout the rest of the film.

FRANCO FEBRUARY: THE SADIST OF NOTRE DAME (1980) ** ½

For The Sadist of Notre Dame, Uncle Jess took scenes from his flick Exorcism (and its porno version, Sexorcismes) and added new footage of himself as an ex-priest-turned-serial killer and voila!  We have a new movie!  Jess wanders around Notre Dame murdering hookers and/or women he deems whorish.  (“This iron blade will purify your body and soul!”)  He also writes about his killings in hopes his stories will be published in a sleazy magazine owned by Pierre (Pierre Taylou).  He eventually learns from a hooker than a Count likes to hold orgies and black mass rituals in a nearby castle, and Jess is pleased to learn that Pierre’s sexy secretary (Lina Romay) is a frequent attendee.  

Jess spends a lot of the movie wandering around the streets where extras around him stare directly into the camera.  (These scenes are reminiscent of a Ray Dennis Steckler movie.)  Other times, he peeps on people fucking, but it’s just scenes of him reacting to scenes from Exorcism and edited to make it look like he’s in the same room or looking through a nearby window.  (Again, like a Ray Dennis Steckler movie.)  

Franco overacts gamely and the close-ups of his bulging eyeballs are moderately effective.  I especially liked the scenes where he begs a priest to absolve him of his sins.  Romay looks as fetching as always, but unfortunately, she isn’t given a whole lot to do in the new footage.

The additional scenes of Franco murdering women aren’t particularly graphic, but they get the job done.  The old footage is mostly nude and sex scenes from Exorcism.  I’d usually be upset by a director padding out a movie with old footage from his other films, but since this footage features Lina Romay in a sexy S & M get-up, I have no qualms whatsoever about Franco cutting corners here.  

I’ve seen both The Sadist of Notre Dame and Exorcism.  If I had to pick, I would give Sadist the slight edge.  If you’ve seen it, there’s no real reason to see Exorcism, unless you want to see a little more S & M and sex scenes.  (And frankly, I wouldn’t blame you.)

Now let’s move onto the Franco February round-up:  Among the Franco signatures on display are the repurposing of old footage, taking a derogatory view of the Catholic Church, and slow camera pans and zooms to nothing of particular importance.  Of his stock company players, the principal faces are Franco, Romay, and Olivier Mathot (who plays a police inspector).  

AKA:  The Demoniac.  

 

TUBI CONTINUED… BIKINI HACKERS (2023) NO STARS

Computer hacking is not the most exciting of cinematic activities.  What’s so interesting about a bunch of people sitting in front of their computer and typing on a keyboard?  If you’re going to make a movie about computer hackers, you might as well make them hot babes in bikinis.  I mean, generally speaking, if you want to get me to watch any movie, you might as well make the main characters hot babes in bikinis.  

A team of bikini-clad hackers recruit a new member (Caroline Elise) to their crew.  Their latest plan is to fleece a scummy CEO and redistribute his wealth to the poor.  So far, it sounds like an OK time, right?

Wrong.

Even though she looks great in a bikini (as several characters point out), Jazz Egger, who plays the leader of the bikini hackers is definitely NOT an actress.  That would be OK, ordinarily.  I mean you don’t have to be a Shakespearian actress in something like this.  You don’t necessarily even have to deliver your lines in a convincing manner.  You can't, however, annoy the shit out of the audience.  

Her thick accent, combined with her Valley Girl delivery, and severe lisp makes her sound like Zsa Zsa Gabor on helium after she burnt the roof of her mouth on French bread pizza.  You can’t understand a lick of what she’s saying, which again, shouldn’t matter since she spends half the movie in a bikini.  However, they give her so many longwinded speeches laced with computer hacking gobbledygook that not even the sight of her in a bikini can erase the pain of her acting.  

What’s even worse is that for a movie called Bikini Hackers, they couldn’t even crack the code of how to get the girls out of their bikinis.  I’m not sure Egger would’ve been bearable even without the bikini.  I do know the movie might’ve (MIGHT’VE) skated by with at least ½ *.

I have no idea whether or not she really talks and acts this way in real life or if she really is a master thespian going for one of those Gonzo go-for-broke Nicolas Cage-type of performances.  Either way, she’s annoying as Hell.  And that’s unfortunate because she’s front and center nearly the entire movie.  

That’s not even mentioning the rest of the crap that’s in this movie, which is equally dire.  I think the worst part (aside from Egger’s performance) is the constant scenes of hackers typing messages back and forth to one another.  These messages are rife with spelling and grammatical errors.  They also go on forever and are painful to watch.  

In short, everyone in Bikini Hackers should be Anonymous.  And I don’t mean they should join the hacking group, Anonymous.  I mean they should be Anonymous.  (Heck, even Egger isn’t listed in the credits on IMDb, so she was at least smart enough to lay low.)

TUBI CONTINUED… GIANTESS ATTACK VS. MECHA-FEMBOT (2022) **

When I first put this on, I thought it was a sequel to director Jim Wynorski and producer Charles Band’s Giantess Battle Attack (which itself was a sequel to Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl).  As it turns out, it’s a sequel to another Band production, Giantess Attack (which I haven’t seen).  The opening scene amusingly kept me up to speed on what I missed.

You see, the movie is built around the conceit we are watching the “Sci-Fly Channel” and the host (a Katey Sagal impersonator?!?) is premiering a failed TV pilot from the ‘90s called Giantess Attack.  (“It’s part Ultraman, part foot fetish video”.)  There’s also a pretty funny spoof of those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials before the “show” starts.

Anyway, in the last “episode”, the duo of Giantesses go their separate ways after accidentally destroying Hollywood.  Diedre (Tasha Tacosa from Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill!) sulks off to her “Fortress of Immeasurable Guilt” while Frida (Rachel Riley) desperately wants her back in action.  Meanwhile, an evil alien queen (Christine Nguyen) shrinks and kidnaps a scientist and forces him to create a giant robo-babe (Vlada Fox) to take over the world.  Can the Giantesses put their differences aside to save the day?

The first twenty minutes or so held a lot of promise.  I mean, when I sat down to watch this, I had no idea I would be in store for a catfight parody of the fight scene from They Live.  This sequence is almost worth the price of admission.  

However, after that scene (which occurs fairly early on), it’s all downhill from there.  I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad if there hadn’t been so much recycled footage from the first movie.  There are also too many supporting characters that take away from Tacosa and Riley’s screen time.  It’s always fun seeing Nguyen, but she can probably play this sexy evil queen villain role in her sleep by now.  

You would think the finale where the two Giantesses team up to battle Mecha-Fembot would be a winner, but it’s a total snooze.  If only Wynorksi was at the helm.  He could’ve really breathed some life into the Giantess battles.  (Not to mention tossed some T & A in there as well.)  Oh, and the giant/shrinking effects are some of the worst I have ever seen, and boy, is that ever saying something.  

AKA:  Giantess Attack 2.

FRANCO FEBRUARY: DEATH WHISTLES THE BLUES (1964) **

Jess Franco made Death Whistles the Blues the year after Rififi in the City.  Severin recently released them as part of a DVD double feature, and they make for an ideal pairing.  Both films are noir-influenced crime pictures that are padded out with calypso and jazz songs (plus a little blues this time out) as well as cabaret song and dance numbers.  They also contain (nearly) silent safecracking scenes and feature (Spoiler) a woman acting in an avenging angel capacity.  In fact, both movies include a nightclub called The Stardust, which makes me think Franco was trying to do a shared universe deal way before Marvel made it fashionable.  

Castro (Conrado San Martin) and Smith (Manuel Alexandre) are tricked into running guns in their fruit truck by the slimy Vogel (Georges Rollin).  While they rot in jail for ten years, Vogel marries Castro’s wife (Perla Cristal) and sets himself up in a mansion in a small Jamaican village.  Shortly after Smith is released from prison, he is brutally murdered.  Castro then saunters into town looking for revenge.

While the movie looks great (maybe not as sharp and snazzy as Rififi in the City, but it’s certainly atmospheric), the pacing is often sluggish (especially in the second half).  Although the cabaret numbers are more or less integral to the plot, they are sorely missing the panache found in Rififi in the City.  (It is fun seeing Franco cameo as a saxophone player though.)  The revenge plot lacks sizzle and the twists and turns in the third act ring a little hollow.  It also doesn’t help that Rollin makes for a middling villain.  He looks the part all right, but he just doesn’t exude enough menace to make for a worthy adversary in something like this.  Fortunately, Danik Patisson makes a memorable impression as a sultry cabaret singer.  Too bad she isn’t given nearly enough to do.  

Uncle Jess’s signatures are kept to a minimum this time out.  He gives us the requisite number of song and dance sequences and makes a cameo.  That’s about it though.

AKA:  Agent 077:  Operation Jamaica.  AKA:  077:  Operation Sexy.  AKA:  Operation Sexy.