Computer hacking is not the most exciting of cinematic activities. What’s so interesting about a bunch of people sitting in front of their computer and typing on a keyboard? If you’re going to make a movie about computer hackers, you might as well make them hot babes in bikinis. I mean, generally speaking, if you want to get me to watch any movie, you might as well make the main characters hot babes in bikinis.
A team of bikini-clad hackers recruit a new member (Caroline Elise) to their crew. Their latest plan is to fleece a scummy CEO and redistribute his wealth to the poor. So far, it sounds like an OK time, right?
Wrong.
Even though she looks great in a bikini (as several characters point out), Jazz Egger, who plays the leader of the bikini hackers is definitely NOT an actress. That would be OK, ordinarily. I mean you don’t have to be a Shakespearian actress in something like this. You don’t necessarily even have to deliver your lines in a convincing manner. You can't, however, annoy the shit out of the audience.
Her thick accent, combined with her Valley Girl delivery, and severe lisp makes her sound like Zsa Zsa Gabor on helium after she burnt the roof of her mouth on French bread pizza. You can’t understand a lick of what she’s saying, which again, shouldn’t matter since she spends half the movie in a bikini. However, they give her so many longwinded speeches laced with computer hacking gobbledygook that not even the sight of her in a bikini can erase the pain of her acting.
What’s even worse is that for a movie called Bikini Hackers, they couldn’t even crack the code of how to get the girls out of their bikinis. I’m not sure Egger would’ve been bearable even without the bikini. I do know the movie might’ve (MIGHT’VE) skated by with at least ½ *.
I have no idea whether or not she really talks and acts this way in real life or if she really is a master thespian going for one of those Gonzo go-for-broke Nicolas Cage-type of performances. Either way, she’s annoying as Hell. And that’s unfortunate because she’s front and center nearly the entire movie.
That’s not even mentioning the rest of the crap that’s in this movie, which is equally dire. I think the worst part (aside from Egger’s performance) is the constant scenes of hackers typing messages back and forth to one another. These messages are rife with spelling and grammatical errors. They also go on forever and are painful to watch.
In short, everyone in Bikini Hackers should be Anonymous. And I don’t mean they should join the hacking group, Anonymous. I mean they should be Anonymous. (Heck, even Egger isn’t listed in the credits on IMDb, so she was at least smart enough to lay low.)
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