HAYRIDE SLAUGHTER (2001) **

A rash of Satanic murders threatens to shut down an independent haunted house and hayride attraction.  Tina Krause is the sexy witch/psychic investigator who is brought in to find the killer and stop the bad publicity.  Complications arise when Krause’s ex (Dean Paul) winds up becoming the lead detective on the case. 

If you’re a fan of W.A.V.E. Productions, you may already know what you’re getting yourself into with Hayride Slaughter.  This was one of those instances where they were actually trying to make a “real” movie, and the results are uneven at best.  The central premise is sound and the “killer in a walk-through haunted house” plot predates films like Hell Fest and Haunt by nearly two decades.  It’s just that director Gary Whitson never really goes anywhere with gimmick.  The finale where Tina is attacked by a demon is appropriately silly, but it ultimately comes up a day late and a dollar short. 

It doesn’t help that the film is so overburdened with useless padding that it often slows things to a crawl.  Such forms of padding include black and white “flashbacks” (actually an unrelated short film), pointless Blurry-Vision slow motion scenes, a painfully long magic act that’s filmed in its entirety (the fact that Tina is the sexy magician’s assistant takes some of the boredom out of it), and pointless Blurry-Vision slow motion scenes of the aforementioned magic act.  The running time is eighty-five minutes, but if Whitson cut all that malarkey out and brought it in at a tight sixty minutes or so, he might’ve had something.  

Since this is a W.A.V.E. movie, we also get a random bondage scene. It’s not exactly great or anything.  However, since it takes place inside a haunted house, it’s novel at the very least. 

I’m a big Tina Krause fan, but this is far from her best work.  While Tina tries her darnedest, she is unable to save the film.  Some enjoyment can also be found from spotting other familiar faces from W.A.V.E. Productions that populate the supporting cast including Whitson (cop), Debbie D. (scare actress), and Barbara Joyce (bondage enthusiast).  Krause and Joyce provide some T & A too, which helps make it watchable. 

THE LASH OF THE PENITENTES (1936) **

The Lash of the Penitentes is an old roadshow attraction.  It’s an expose on the Penitente cult, a religious sect in New Mexico that believed in flagellation.  Most times, roadshow movies like this had healthy doses of sex and violence.  This one has real life scenes of being whipped, but that’s about the only trick it’s got up its sleeve. 

It starts off with not one but two prefaces.  The first lets us know all about strange religions of the world (“Our own country not excluded!”) and the other about the Penitentes themselves.  The film itself is a mix of documentary (captured by a “vagabond cameraman”) and a dramatized account of an investigative journalist writing a story on the cult.  It isn’t exactly a seamless fit, but the editing is better than most of these things.  There’s enough factual information here to satisfy someone looking for a “tell-all” insider scoop on the cult.  Too bad that outside the whipping scenes, it’s kind of weak and forgettable. 

As for the Penitentes themselves, we mostly just see the cult members hanging out in their adobes.  They also do some weird shit though like playing a variation on that Rambo 3 game (but with chickens instead of goats), have parades dressed like the Grim Reaper, and put on funny costumes and dance around in the town square.  They also crucify one of their members, but I think that was staged for the benefit of the vagabond cameraman. 

It’s only thirty-five minutes long but the original version was twice that length.  I’m not sure what was cut, but it might’ve been juicy.  The scenes of real whippings are kind of icky.  If that sort of thing makes you queasy, you should be okay because they don’t last too long.  They’re probably the only reason to watch it, honestly.

Overall, I think this might’ve made for a decent segment in a Mondo movie.  Even with the filler subplot with the journalist, it doesn’t quite cut it as a pasted-together standalone film.  I will say that the short running time takes some of the… um… sting out of it.  

AKA:  The Penitente Murder Case.

THE NAKED BEAST (1969) **

From Emilio Vierya, the director of The Deadly Organ, The Blood of the Virgins, and The Curious Dr. Humpp comes this mostly dull thriller with horror elements.  A detective is trying to solve a rash of murders, and it seems all the victims are dancers in a variety show.  He also happens to be sleeping with one of the performers, which complicates things.  It also doesn’t help that the star of the show, a suave, philandering crooner, seems to be the prime suspect. 

The detective stuff is boring, and the love story subplot is even worse.  In all fairness, the version I saw didn’t have English subtitles.  Even if I was a master of the Argentinian language though, that doesn’t disguise the fact that the film suffers from a lot of filler, most of which comes courtesy of the performances in the variety show.  (There’s also an annoying tap dancer who gets way too much screen time during a party scene.)  The scenes of the singing star crooning away aren’t very good either.  One element I enjoyed was the act that featured a guy in a Dracula mask ballroom dancing with a gal in masquerade attire.  (The mask is so cool that the killer adopts the get-up later in the film.)  This scene is kind of like a vampire version of Bobby and Cissy, and I really wish there were more oddball touches like this elsewhere in the picture. 

I was a fan of Vieyra’s The Curious Dr. Humpp and The Deadly Organ, but this one is sorely lacking the absurdity of the former and the seediness of the latter.  Leading lady Gloria Prat (who also appeared in both of those movies) looks hot though and her performance (weird Dracula dancer aside) is the best thing the flick has going for it.  (The creepy guy who looks like Lou Reed cosplaying as Chief Brody is pretty cool too.)  Oh, and while there’s a little bit of T & A here (we only get a handful of brief topless scenes), the majority of the skin comes from scantily clad waitresses and showgirls in bikinis.  Thankfully, the beast remained fully clothed at all times. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 2 (1994) ***

Something Weird’s second installment of nudie trailers and sexploitation previews doesn’t quite have the same kick of the first volume, but it features more than its fair share of smut to go around.  Included here are coming attractions for striptease movies like Paris Topless (starring Tempest Storm), nudist movies (including an awesome looking flick called Eves on Skis about nudists at a ski cabin that features women jumping rope, skiing, and having snowball fights in the nude), and roughies (such as The Sex Killer).  I think my favorite one was the oddball ad for Professor Lust where the title character, a white slaver, professes his innocence in a courtroom and invites you to see the evidence (the movie) for yourself.  A close second was the trailer for Sharon’s Girls, which guarantees you’ll never look at “phone sex” the same way. 

We also get to hear some terrific ballyhoo.  Some of the many memorable taglines belong to Sellers of Girls (“Young girls were there for the taking… and they took them!”), International Smorgasbord (“Dish after dish!”), Naughty Nudes (“Don’t see Naughty Nudes if you don’t like girls!”), Olga’s Girls (“A Freudian Mondo Cane!”), The Pill (“See the actual birth of a baby!”), Run Swinger Run (“She did it for fun till she found out she could do it for money!”), Teach Me How to Do It (“If you already know how to do it, don’t see it!), and Bed of Violence (“The sheets are stained with the sins of the flesh!”). 

If it’s groovy music you’re into, then the trailer for Sex is the Game People Play has a great surf guitar soundtrack pulsating throughout the ad.  The preview for the immortal classic The Touch of Her Flesh is also backed by the awesome theme song “The Right Kind”.  Yes, there’s a little something for everyone here including trailers for gay-themed films (Lusting Hours) and even a nudie ad for an “Adults Only” book called Orgy.  (“The most daring book of all time!”)

Most of the trailers are in black and white, but there are a couple of color ads near the end.  Among them are Queen’s Wild, Dr. Sex, and the incredible looking The Peeping Phantom (which looks like an insane mix of Phantom of the Opera, nudie movie and… courtroom drama?!?).  There’s also a color short about a trio of roommates fighting over the same man that rounds out the collection. 

All in all, Twisted Sex Vol. 2 is bound to please any fan of sixties smut. 

The complete line-up of trailers is as follows:  The Embracers, Paris Topless, Sellers of Girls, Five Wild Girls, Gutter Girls, Eves on Skis, International Smorgasbord, Nudes on Tiger Reef, Naughty Nudes, Nude Scrapbook, Spoiled Rotten, The Sex Killer, Some Like It Violent, Olga’s Girls, The Sex Cycle, It’s a Sick… Sick… Sick… World, The Pill, Sex is the Game People Play, Girl Smugglers, Professor Lust, Sharon’s Girls, The Twisted Sex, Freudus Sexualis, The Love Cult, Run Swinger Run, Lusting Hours, Playpen Girls, Lust and the Flesh, The Touch of Her Flesh, Teach Me How to Do It, Love is Where It’s At, The Singles, Bed of Violence, In Hot Blood, All of Me, Queen’s Wild, Smoke of Evil, The Peeping Phantom, Male Service, Orgy (book ad) Dr. Sex, and a short subject. 

WAR OF THE WORLDS (2025) ½ *

You all know me.  You know how I earn my living.  You know I been watching bad movies since I was a wee lad.  When this Amazon Original first found its way onto Prime, a lot of folks instantly christened it the “Worst Movie of the Year”.  That piqued my interest something fierce.  The fact that it is essentially H.G. Wells’ classic by way of a Zoom call was kind of a turn off for me because if it’s anything I hate more than a “Found Footage” movie it’s a “Screen Record” movie where the filmmakers tell their story via a laptop full of open windows featuring characters having Microsoft Teams conversations, texting, and emailing one another.  

Nevertheless, I persisted.  I watched every blessed minute of it.  Let me tell you, I was rooting for the aliens.  

Ice Cube stars as a Department of Homeland Security analyst who receives word that aliens have landed.  Before long, they are attacking major cities across the globe.  While planning a means of defense for the government, he keeps in contact with his kids to make sure they’re safe.  Eventually, he teams up with his hacker son to infect the aliens with a fatal virus. 

The first fifteen minutes or so feature Cube using his top security clearance and high-tech surveillance equipment to keep tabs on his kids.  This might’ve made for an OK comedy by itself, but for a War of the Worlds adaptation, it just starts things off on the wrong foot.  Once the aliens attack though I found myself yearning for those scenes, mostly because they were at least somewhat novel.  The stuff with the aliens (all filmed on someone’s phone and/or seen on security cameras) is weak, and the effects will make one wistful for an Asylum mockbuster.  (It’s obvious the CGI is merely superimposed over existing file footage.)

The big problem of course is the screen record aesthetic.  You can’t make a movie about a battle between humans and aliens and put it on a goddamn Zoom call and expect the moviegoing public to swallow it.  Yes, I know it was filmed during the pandemic.  Yes, if it had been released during that time, I could have been more forgiving.  However, the fact that it sat on the shelf for five years after it was completed is telling of just how lame it really is. 

Another problem is Ice Cube’s performance.  Most of the movie is comprised of watching his reaction shots to massive damage created by aliens.  He’s just not a nuanced enough actor to sell it.  Most of his reactions just involve him yelling, “Damn” when he sees an alien or “I got you!” while trying to reassure his kids.  The fact that he rarely leaves his office doesn’t help break up the monotony either. 

Speaking as a bad movie fan, there were moments that even tested my mettle.  Your endurance level may vary.  I have a feeling that for even for the most jaded fan of Grade-Z junk, War of the Worlds will be an uphill battle. 

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013) ***

After killing the witch who tried to eat them as children, orphans Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) grow up to become prolific witch hunters.  When a witch (Famke Janssen) makes off with the children of a small village, the mayor hires the duo to bring them back.  They soon learn she is planning to perform a ritual that will make her all-powerful, and Hansel and Gretel set out to take her down. 

Horror movies based on fairy tales can usually go either way, but Hansel and Gretel:  Witch Hunters manages to be quite a lot of fun.  Written and directed by Tommy (Dead Snow) Wirkola, it’s full of funny touches (like sketches of missing children tied to milk bottles and Hansel having diabetes from eating too much candy from the witch’s house as a kid) and is a little bit better than you’d expect at nearly every turn.  It moves at a zippy pace and doesn’t take itself too seriously, which certainly helps.  The gore is also plentiful as bodies are ripped apart, people explode, and heads are crushed. 

It also doesn’t hurt that there’s more action than horror.  Some of the medieval witch battles feature tinges of Hong Kong-style action (I liked Renner’s fight with a pair of Siamese twin witches) and are fairly bloody to boot.  The way Wirkola peppers in nods to other films is amusing too.  The finale where a coven of witches are mowed down by a Gatling gun was obviously inspired by The Wild Bunch, and the scenes of witches flying through the woods on broomsticks are reminiscent of the Ewok speeder bike chase from Return of the Jedi. 

Renner and Arterton are sort of bland in the leads, but that kind of works in the movie’s favor.  If they were winking at the camera the whole time, the humorous witch-hunting hijinks would’ve felt forced.  Janssen makes for a formidable villain as the sexy witch who says stuff like, “FOOLS!”  The ever-reliable Peter Stormare also puts in a fine turn as the sheriff (and incompetent witch hunter), as does Pihla Viitala as the smoking hot good witch who helps the siblings. 

CLOWN IN A CORNFIELD (2025) ** ½

After the death of her mother, a teenage girl named Quinn (Katie Douglas) moves to a rural farming community with her father (Aaron Abrams).  She quickly falls in with a group of friends who make YouTube videos depicting the local clown mascot, “Frendo” as a psycho killer.  Before long, a killer wearing the clown’s get-up begins picking off the friends one by one.  Things go from bad to worse when a veritable army of Frendos crash a teen party in a cornfield and set out to finish Quinn and her pals off for good. 

Clown in a Cornfield kind of plays like a variation on Thanksgiving, but with a clown instead of a pilgrim.  (There’s even a parade scene.)   Unfortunately, it’s one of those kinds of movies where every time it does something right, it inevitably makes a misstep.  Some viewers may be more forgiving than others.  It just depends on whether you’re willing to enjoy the highs and brush off the lows. 

Among the highlights is the fun opening scene which contains a nice little homage to Jaws, but… you know… in a cornfield instead of a beach.  The gore is solid too, which certainly is a plus.  We get a pretty good weightlifting kill, an arrow in the head, a chainsaw to the gut, a pitchfork to the stomach, head crushing, a cattle prod to the mouth, and a funny scene where some girls find a severed head and think it’s a prop for a YouTube video.  It also gets bonus points for the scene where the girls are unable to call for help because they don’t know how to use a rotary phone. 

It does seem a bit odd that it was based on a novel as nothing about it screams “literary adaptation” since it’s more or less just a riff on ‘80s slasher movies.  (The film thinks having a character say, “It’s like we’re in an ‘80s horror movie” lets it off the hook.)  The townsfolk conspiracy that fuels the clowns’ massacre is easily the weakest part, as it loses a lot of momentum in the third act when the killers begin over-explaining their motives.  

Douglas is solid in the lead, but the rest of her friends are rather grating.  The supporting cast of adults include Will Sasso as the sheriff and Kevin Durand as the sniveling mayor.  They’re pretty good, although they feel kind of underutilized.  At least Abrams manages to be likable in the thankless dad role. 

Overall, Clown in a Cornfield is an uneven horror flick that’s nearly saved by a good crop of kill scenes.