SEXPLORER (1976) ** ½

An alien the size of a marble lands on Earth and turns itself into a beautiful naked blonde (Monika Ringwald).  After wandering about nude for a bit, she gets some clothes at a spa and takes a stroll around London gathering information for her superiors whom she complicates with telepathically.  (Who needs a boom mic when you can just dub in whole conversations in post-production?)  She also winds up in a sex shop and gets a job as a photographer’s model. Eventually, our “Sexplorer” gets an up close and personal lesson on what human sexuality is all about, much to the horror of her superiors.

Apparently, this is Quentin Tarantino’s “favorite British film”.  If you squint hard enough, you can almost see what Tarantino likes about it.   While it’s far from the “best British movie” ever made, it’s definitely one of the best British sex comedies I’ve seen.  I’ve sat through many of these things in my day and when it comes to exploitation subgenres, they are near the bottom of the barrel.  Typically, they are devoid of laughs and aren’t sexy in the least.  This one has its fair share of humorous moments, and even manages to be sort of fun in some spots.  It’s not exactly a classic or anything, but it’s intermittently amusing enough that fans of ‘70s sci-fi softcore should enjoy it.

It’s not always successful.  It’s uneven and episodic to a fault.  The wedding reception scene isn’t funny and goes on far too long, and many sequences are pointless (like when the Sexplorer bangs a guy in a room full of balloons) or just plain dumb (like when she accidentally turns green). Still, it’s just corny and likeable to keep you watching.  The theme song is great too. 

I guess the best thing you could say about Sexplorer is how inspirational it was.  It’s easy to imagine the makers or Lifeforce and Species seeing this on TV late one night and blatantly copying the scenes of a hot naked alien chick absentmindedly sightseeing for their own screenplays.  If it wasn’t for this flick, those classics would’ve never been made.  That fact alone kind of justifies Tarantino’s claims.

AKA:  The Girl from Starship Venus.  AKA:  The Discoveries of a Virgin Beauty.  AKA:  Diary of a Space Virgin.

RAT PFINK A BOO BOO (1966) ****

Wikipedia defines an auteur as “an artist, usually a film director, who applies a highly centralized and subjective control to many aspects of a collaborative creative work; in other words, a person equivalent to an author of a novel or a play.  The term commonly refers to filmmakers or directors with a recognizable style or thematic preoccupation.”  If that doesn’t describe Ray Dennis Steckler, I don’t know what does.  He’s probably best known (and rightly so) for The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.  This, however, just might be his magnum opus.  

Rat Pfink a Boo Boo is what you get when you take a hard-hitting crime melodrama, a rock n’ roll musical, a dime-store superhero movie, and a killer ape flick, toss them in a blender, and put the setting on WTF.  Apparently, Steckler started out making the crime picture and became dissatisfied with the results.  To amuse himself (or more likely to cash in on the popularity of Batman and Robin) he had his main characters become half-assed superheroes mid-film.  He also padded out the rest of the running time with musical numbers and an attack by a guy in a (rather impressive) ape costume.  The results are Z movie heaven.

What’s interesting is that the early scenes are quite intense, given the budget and the fact that it was shot silently with the sound added in post-production.  Steckler manages to wring genuine suspense from the scenes of the trio of hoodlums mugging a woman in an alley, as well as the scenes where they verbally harass Carolyn Brandt (Steckler’s leading lady on screen and off) over the telephone.  He does a fine job on the musical sequences too (this is the guy who made Wild Guitar after all).  The editing of the performances is remarkably competent and would look right at home on MTV if it had existed in 1966.  

It’s when heartthrob singer Lonnie Lord (Ron Haydock, who also wrote the screenplay) and dim-witted gardener Titus Twimbly (Titus Moede) become their crimefighting alter egos Rat Pfink and Boo Boo does the movie really take off.  The costumes look like they came out of a dime store, but that’s kind of what makes them awesome.  The fight scenes have a filmed-in-someone’s-backyard quality to them.  What’s astonishing is that they are staged and edited with a surprising amount of panache.  You also have to give Steckler credit for staging long motorcycle chases and parade scenes with no budget and zero permits.  It’s guerilla filmmaking at its finest.  (Speaking of gorilla, the ape suit is excellent and probably ate up whatever budget Steckler was working with.)

What’s more is that the film is only 66 minutes and it moves like greased lightning.  There’s no fat on it whatsoever.  Sure, Incredibly Strange Creatures is great and all, but it bogs down like a son-of-a-bitch in the second half.  This one is over before you know it and leaves you wanting more.  

Oh, and how about that title?  You might think it’s a weird play on “a Go-Go”, but it’s not.  The onscreen title was supposed to read “Rat Pfink AND Boo Boo”, and the person who designed the titles just forgot to add the “N” and “D”.  I wish there was a better explanation for it.  Then again, the oddball title just makes the movie that much more memorable.

Today’s bloated big-budget superhero movies could take a page from Ray Dennis Steckler’s playbook.  There’s more ingenuity on display here than in a dozen MCU films.  Do you think the Russo Brothers could make something this good if they had a Ray Dennis Steckler budget?  Who knows?  I’d rather imagine what Ray could’ve done had he been given just a tenth of a budget as those guys had when they did Avengers:  Endgame.

AKA:  The Adventures of Rat Pfink and Boo Boo.

TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (1975) ** ½

Terror of Mechagodzilla was the last Godzilla movie directed by the iconic Ishiro Honda, and the final Godzilla film of the classic Showa Era series.  It starts off just like a Rocky sequel with a recap of the fight from the last movie, with Godzilla emerging victorious in his battle against Mechagodzilla.  Then the plot begins.  

While searching the depths of the sea for the remains of Mechagodzilla, a toy submarine… I mean… a research vessel accidentally awakens the longnecked Titanosaurus.  Meanwhile, those pesky aliens from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla are still trying to take over the world.  They team up with a human-hating scientist to resurrect the malignant metal monster.  The aliens bring his dead daughter back to life, and thanks to their extraterrestrial technology, use her to power Mechagodzilla.  When the revived Mechagodzilla teams up with Titanosaurus to level Tokyo, it’s up to Godzilla to save the day. 

Hopefully, you’ll be content with the stock footage-filled scenes of beastly brawling in the opening credits sequence because it takes an awful long time to get to the monster mashing in this one.  In fact, you have to wait about fifty minutes before the G-Man finally shows up.  It also doesn’t help that Titanosaurus is one of his lesser opponents.  He’s rather goofy and lacks the menace of someone like Gigan.  Also, his power to create giant wind gusts is too similar to that of Rodan, but I did like the scene where he jumps up and swats a couple of jets out of the sky the way a basketball player blocks a shot.

Once the three titans of terror finally appear on screen together, the film at last starts to kick a little ass.  The scenes of Mechagodzilla wreaking havoc on the city are impressive, and Godzilla’s fisticuffs with Titanosaurus are a lot fun.  If only Mechagodzilla didn’t spend 2/3 of the movie in the shop, this could’ve been a top-notch effort.  As it is, Terror of Mechagodzilla isn’t bad.  I mean Godzilla gets at least one legitimately badass back-from-the-grave moment that is one of the most fist-pumping scenes of any Godzilla movie.  You just have to be a patient viewer to get to it.

We also get a little nudity this time around, a rarity in a Godzilla picture.  Too bad it occurs during a brain surgery scene, so it’s not what you would call “hot” or anything.  Still, with a movie that’s as slow to start as this one is, you take what you can get.  

Godzilla didn’t appear on the big screen for another decade with the equally uneven Godzilla 1985.

AKA:  After Holocaust.  AKA:  Mechagodzilla’s Counterattack.  AKA:  Monster’s from an Unknown Planet.  AKA:  The Terror of Godzilla.  AKA:  Mechagodzilla vs. Godzilla.  AKA:  Revenge of Mechagodzilla.  AKA:  The Escape of Mechagodzilla.  

FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR (1968) **

Two graverobbing gypsies remove a silver cross from a corpse in the ruins of an old castle.  The body promptly comes back to life, turns into a werewolf, kills the gypsies, and begins causing havoc throughout the countryside.  Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) joins the villagers in the hunt for the beast and winds up destroying the creature himself.  During the struggle, Waldemar is bitten, and is cursed to become a werewolf when the full moon rises.  He turns to a pair of doctors to help find a cure; unaware they are vampires with their own sinister intentions. 

After watching The Beast and the Magic Sword, I decided to finally check out this first chapter in the Waldemar Daninsky Werewolf saga.  Now that I’ve seen it, it’s hard to imagine how someone could wring nearly a dozen films out of such thin material.  For the most part, it’s a slow moving and dull slog that’s curiously low on werewolf action.  The fuzzy-faced monster make-up looks pretty cool though, although it isn’t quite as polished as it would later become.  Too bad we don’t get to see much of it. 

Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror was originally titled Mark of the Wolf Man in its native Spain.  When the American distributors got a hold of it, they cut out fifteen minutes from the opening and it’s easy to see why, as it takes forever to get going.  They also added a hilariously awful animated pre-credits scene to explain how Frankenstein figures into all this.  You see, he turned into a werewolf called “Wolfstein” and, well… that’s it.  It’s purely a case of a company pre-selling a film by the title alone, and when it comes time to produce said movie, they just retitle another flick and add a cheesy prologue to make the movie match the poster.

Naschy is quite good.  His committed performance makes the movie worth watching, boring parts and all.  Director Enrique Lopez (Santo Faces Death) Eguiluz fills the film with plenty of atmosphere (especially during the final reel), but overall, it’s just too sluggishly paced to be wholly successful.

AKA:  Vampire Dracula vs. the Werewolf.  AKA:  Hell’s Creatures.  AKA:  The Mark of the Wolf Man.  AKA:  The Vampire of Dr. Dracula.  AKA:  The Werewolf’s Mark.  

THE SEXUALIST (1973) **

Jeffrey Montclair (Dale T. Fuller) is a struggling director trying to complete his latest skin flick, based on the astrological signs of the Zodiac.  Pressured by his sleazy financier, “The Godfather” (Jon Oppenheim), Jeffrey puts out a casting call to find nubile performers to make his passion project a reality.  Meanwhile, his leading lady Monica (Jennifer Welles) takes a shine to a sexy young ingenue, Inga (Barbara Benner).  When Inga winds up taking Monica’s coveted role, she sets out to get revenge.

The Sexualist is pretty much a mess.  The film-within-a-film scenes are kind of fun.  I especially liked the opening sequence about masturbation and how it relates to the specific Zodiac signs.  If the movie was nothing more than a series of astrologically themed sex scenes, it might’ve worked.

However, the behind-the-scenes drama involving the exasperated director, temperamental actresses, and actors who have trouble getting it up are a lot less successful.  The comedy shit is painfully unfunny too (like the scene with the guy in a gorilla suit), and the constant narration, which does a crummy job tying everything together, is often intrusive.  The sex scenes fluctuate from hardcore to softcore (most of the masturbation scenes include full penetration), which also gets a bit frustrating.  

The Sexualist is of interest mainly to see sex goddess Jennifer Welles as the diva leading lady who makes the director’s life a living Hell.  She looks great naked, but unfortunately, this is far from the best material she’s been given.  The subplot with Welles and Benner is OK, I guess.  It’s just that it feels like it came out of a completely different movie.

That’s basically the problem.  The Sexualist is all over the place.  There are three narratives going on, and none of them mesh.  If only it picked a storyline and stuck with it.  As it is, only the Zodiac sequences really work, and whenever the film cuts away from those scenes, it’s always a bad sign.    

AKA:  The Sexualist:  A Voyage to the World of Forbidden Love.

THE FINAL SANCTION (1990) **

After having so much fun with Deadly Prey, I decided to give another David A. Prior movie a shot.  Like that immortal classic, The Final Sanction stars his brother Ted, who gives another memorably over the top performance.  Sadly, it falls well short of Deadly Prey’s high standards, but the supporting cast is great and it’s just weird enough to stand out from the sea of low budget early ‘90s Direct to Video actioners.

Russia and the United States exchange nuclear missile attacks which looks like it will signal all-out nuclear war.  In lieu of WWIII, it is decided to instead pit each nation’s leading soldier against the other in a designated neutral battleground to determine a winner.  America’s man is a military prisoner (Ted Prior) who has a communication device implanted in his body so a Lieutenant (Renee Cline) can keep tabs on him and feed him intel during the duel.  The Russian fighter (Robert Z’Dar) is a ruthless killing machine who was trained via brainwashing techniques by a sadistic Major (William Smith).  Naturally, only one man can walk away victorious and give his country bragging rights to the war to end all wars.

Remember in Rocky IV when Rocky said, “In here, we got two guys killing each other, but I guess that’s better than twenty million”?  The Final Sanction is an eighty-minute version of that sentence.  Whereas Rocky IV was a parable about two men ending nuclear war between America and Russia, this is the literal iteration.  There’s even a scene late in the film that blatantly rips off Rocky IV where the two combatants gain each other’s respect, leading the Russian to defy his superiors and shout, “I fight for me!”

Rocky IV this ain’t though.  Heck, it isn’t even Deadly Prey.  While Prior is fun to watch, there’s nothing here that comes close to matching the non-stop thrills of that classic.  His brother David’s staging of the action is rather lackluster too, although Prior and Z’Dar’s final mano y mano brawl is a solid capper on the film.  

Prior is at his best when he’s having conversations with Cline, but he’s basically just talking to himself and doing a one-man show.  These scenes kind of play out like a poor man’s Innerspace and Prior proves he’s adept at displaying a comedic side.  I just wish David went all in on the silliness the way he did with Deadly Prey because ultimately, The Final Sanction was just dumb enough to pique my interest, but not dumb enough to sustain it.

ABIGAIL LESLEY IS BACK IN TOWN (1975) *** ½

Priscilla (Mary Mendem, who was also in The Image the same year) catches Abigail Lesley (Jennifer Jordan) in bed with her husband Gordon (Jamie Gillis).  Somehow, they remain married.  Three years later, when Abigail returns home, there is a swirl of rumors and gossip about why she’s come back.  It doesn’t take long for the promiscuous Abigail to start banging everyone in sight (including Gordon).  Eventually, Priscilla’s close-knit circle of friends falls under Abigail’s spell.  Will Priscilla be next?  Or will her repressed desires be her undoing?

Abigail Lesley is Back in Town feels like a master thesis from writer/director Joe Sarno as it encapsulates many of the themes that run throughout his work.  It’s a film about suburban hypocrisy, repressed housewives, and untapped sexual desire.  The heightened dialogue, bombastic performances, and Sarno’s camerawork often makes it feel like a combination of Shakespearean tragedy, soap opera, and Douglas Sirk melodrama.  That is to say, this is one heck of a movie!

The 100-minute running time is a bit steep, but the sex scenes are plentiful, and Sarno handles them expertly (especially the ones devoted to suburban swinging and group sex).  There’s a particularly great scene where Jennifer Jordan dominates Chris Jordan (no relation) into having a scintillating lesbian encounter.  Speaking of relations, Chris is hurting from being spurned by her brother (played by Eric Edwards), whom she’s had incestuous relations for years, so she’s more than willing to try a little Sapphic surprise.  

Sarno only occasionally relies on obvious porn-level dialogue (“I have a leak that needs filling!”) and cutaways.  The film’s most absorbing trait is its realistic, complicated, and well-defined characters, all of whom come to life courtesy of the terrific cast.  Jennifer Jordan is fun to watch as the sexy, manipulative, and irresistible Abigail.  Jennifer Welles brings a lot of spark to the role of the insatiable Aunt Drucilla too.  Predator’s Sonny Landham gets several good moments as a loudmouth stud who says things like, “You got one of them overactive torsos!”  Oddly enough, the usually boisterous Jamie Gillis seems a bit muted here as Mendem’s two-timing hubby.

Speaking of Mendem, her tour de force performance elevates the film from softcore smut to horny high art.  The scenes of her suffocating her desires always ring true and she gives these moments a touch of unexpected poignancy.  However, once she finally embraces her inner hedonistic spirit, she really sizzles.  It’s enough to make you wish Abigail Lesley stayed in town more often.   

AKA:  Abigail is Back.  AKA:  Sexpert.  AKA:  The Secret Garden.