TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 21: NAUGHTY ‘N NICE (2016) ****

Sometimes when I’m flipping through Tubi looking for something to watch, I stumble across something so bizarre that I must simply hit “PLAY” and drop the remote.  Such was the case with Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty ‘N Nice.  I usually try to only watch actual movies (or something approximating an actual movie) for this column.  However, when the Tubi Gods drop something like Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty ‘N Nice in your lap, you just gotta dive in with both feet.

For context, I had no idea going in that Lingerie Fighting Championships even existed.  Just looking at the thumbnail though, it seemed like the sort of thing that would be right up my alley.  (Boy, the Tubi algorithm knows me pretty well by now.)  And… well… Lingerie Fighting Championships is exactly what you would expect it to be.  It’s sexy women in lingerie fighting in a cage, UFC style.  Sadly, this is the only LFC special available on Tubi, which is a bummer.  I’m not saying I would watch all twenty of the previous LFC specials, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t either.  

Oh, and the LFC’s motto is, “A Little Bit of MMA.  A Little Bit of Wrestling.  A Little Bit of Clothing.”  It’s like Dana White and Hugh Hefner had a baby.  That is to say, it’s awesome.

There are eight bouts in all, featuring sexy fighters with nicknames like “The Lotus”, “The Mongoose”, and “Rattlesnake”.  My favorite grappler was Serina “Honey Punch” Kyle who looks like the girl next door but can really scrap when the chips are down.  I also enjoyed the presence of Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx, a statuesque, fiery redhead who dominates in the ring.  A quick Google search tells me she is now the current LFC champion, and no wonder, as she has all the making of a champ from the footage shown here.

The ladies are a good mix of personalities.  Some look just as you would expect:  Lingerie models.  Others are tough brawlers who would give men in the UFC a run for their money.  Likewise, the matches have a nice blend of cheesecake jiggling and legitimately badass wrestling.  The camerawork is stellar too as the cameramen have a sixth sense as to the most optimal place to put the camera while the ladies are locked in battle.  (That’s a diplomatic way of saying, “There’s a lot of butt shots.”)

The matches themselves are a lot of fun.  It’s easy to pick a favorite before the bout starts and root them on.  One of the biggest upsets occurs when Cali Cat fights with an injured ankle and still somehow makes her opponent tap out.  There’s nothing like a good underdog comeback to get your blood pumping.  The same goes for Maine “The Main Event” Morgan who defies the odds and somehow escapes the jaws of death to gain a submission victory.  The final match-up, between challenger Allie “Babydoll” Parks and the champion, Feather “The Hammer” Hadden is a lot of fun too.

One of my favorite aspects of the fights is when the ladies walk down to ringside, there is a little chair they can sit in to take their heels off before entering the cage.  I mean, you just don’t get that in the UFC.  (I do wish the “Backstage Cam” segments were longer though.)  Oh, and when there is a “wardrobe malfunction” in the ring, the uncorralled body part is pixelated out.  You know, just to remind you that you’re watching a classy event.   

If the goal of putting exactly one LFC special on Tubi was to convert new fans, then I would say, “Mission Accomplished”.  I hope more are added in the near future.  If not, I will definitely be keeping tabs on the sport for years to come.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE ONE ARMED EXECUTIONER (1983) ***

The director and star of Devils Three, Bobby A. Suarez and Franco Guerrero reunite for another fun Pilipino actioner.  This time, Guerrero stars as Ortega, an Interpol cop who just got married to a hot babe.  Naturally, when he tries to bust some bad guys, they retaliate by killing Ortega’s wife and chopping off his arm.  To make matters worse when he tries to go back to work, his boss takes him off the case and insensitively tells him, “Hands off!”

Ouch.  

The One Armed Executioner may not be as outlandish as Suarez’s other action flicks like They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong and Devils Three, but it does start off with a scene of a little person being locked in a phonebooth and thrown off a pier.  Like Cleopatra Wong, it takes an old school martial arts template and transposes it to a modern-day setting.  (This time the inspiration is obviously The One-Armed Swordsman.)  There’s even a training montage where a wise old karate master teaches Ortega how to overcome his handicap that would look right at home in a Kung Fu flick.  

Even if Suarez doesn’t lean into the zany aspects of the plot the way he did in previous efforts, this is nevertheless a solidly enjoyable revenge picture.  It’s straightforward for the most part, but it has just enough odd touches (like the homemade shooting gallery in the woods) to make it memorable.  Guerrero makes for a strong hero too and reminded me a little of Sonny Chiba at times.  (I mean, praise doesn’t come any higher than that.)

I will say the film slows down a bit in the second act when Ortega is stumbling around drunk and feeling sorry for himself.  While this certainly works for his character, it kind of takes the wind out of the movie’s sails.  The good news is that once Ortega finally becomes the One Armed Executioner and starts kicking ass, things improve greatly, and the finale contains enough exploding bamboo huts, guard towers, and speedboats to make it more than worthwhile.

TUBI CONTINUED… DEVILS THREE (1980) ***

This fun and surprising sequel to They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong kicks off with a blisteringly awesome theme song followed by one of the greatest lines ever uttered on the silver screen:  “Imbeciles!  How are we going to push drugs if we don’t have any pushers?”  This line of dialogue is spoken by the evil drug dealer who has one of the best names in cinema history:  Lucifer Devlin (Johnny Wilson).  AKA:  “The Devil”.  Devlin barks orders at his men so much that they finally have enough of his shit and kidnap his daughter.  If he doesn’t cough up a million dollars and fork over his entire drug operation to them, they will kill her.  Naturally, there’s only one person Devlin can trust to get his daughter back:  His arch nemesis, the badass Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong (Marrie Lee)!

Cleo makes Devlin agree he’ll turn himself over to the authorities once his daughter is home safe and sound.  Cleo can’t do the job alone though, so she turns to Tony (Franco Guerrero), a cop who was kicked off the force for being gay, and a three-hundred-pound psychic named Madame Rotunda (Florence Carvajal) for help.  The unlikely trio make a great and unique team as everyone underestimates them at every turn.  However, the question lingers, will Devlin renege on his agreement once the job is done?

Devils Three is surprisingly inclusive for what on the surface looks to be a mindless made-in-the-Philippines actioner.  Not only is our heroine an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, but she also spreads the message of body positivity as well.  You go, girl!  

Despite the addition of Cleo’s unorthodox compatriots, the action in Devils Three isn’t quite up to snuff with what we saw in They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong.  Still, there’s plenty of good moments here to keep you completely entertained.  There’s a fight in an ice factory, a briefcase that doubles as a bazooka, and an unlikely stunt when our three heroes hop on a motorcycle, give chase to the bad guys, and jump over a speeding car on the highway.  I mean, you don’t see that every day.

There’s a wealth of great dialogue too, with my favorite line being, “How would you like to get fingered by Captain Hook?”

AKA:  Mean Business.  AKA:  Pay or Die.  AKA:  Devil’s Three:  The Karate Killers.  AKA:  The Devil’s Angels.  AKA:  Devil’s Angels/Devil’s Three.

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR (2010) ****

Usually, I will take bad practical effects over bad CGI effects any day.  Birdemic:  Shock and Terror is the one exception to the rule.  Imagine if The Birds was remade with birds that looked like something out of a Nintendo 64 game.  Now imagine that they can only move in the same three or four motions throughout the whole movie.  (Hovering, flying left, flying right, and kamikazing into the ground and inexplicably exploding.)  To continue the Nintendo theme a bit further, the scenes where our heroes find a random cache of weapons and shoot the birds out of the sky play like a cinematic version of Duck Hunt.  

Now, being the bad movie connoisseur I am, I had heard of Birdemic for years and years, but I never sat down to watch it because I was afraid it wouldn’t live up to the hype.  I am a mature individual, and I can admit when I am wrong.  I say this with utmost sincerity… I was wrong.  Not only does Birdemic:  Shock and Terror live up to its Z-Grade legend, it exceeded my expectations.  This is one of the best bad movies I’ve seen in a long time.  (And of course, by “bad” I mean “entertainingly awful”.)

We’re talking Troll 2 levels of goodness (badness) here.  

What’s wacky about the movie is that the first half plays like some sort of creepy ass rom-com with one of the sketchiest meet-cutes in screen history.  Then, almost exactly halfway through, the birds attack and it becomes a no-budget Hitchcock riff.  Surprisingly enough, I found the first half to be slightly stronger as it emits a jaw-droppingly bizarre yet sincere depiction of a thoroughly unlikeable character and expects us to root for him.  Oh, and did I mention this section of the movie also contains a hilarious dance number set to the tune of the incredible “Just Hanging Out”?

I know there’s a big debate raging about ChatGPT, and whether or not it should be used to create “content”.  Well, this movie is thirteen years old, and it often feels like the dialogue was written by AI.  The “hero” Rod (Alan Bagh) almost always yammers on and on about his job while his date Nathalie (Whitney Moore) talks about how her mom wants her to go into real estate, even though she’s a highly successful Victoria’s Secret model.  Now don’t get me wrong.  The stuff with the shoddily rendered killer birds is hilarious.  It's just that I found the bafflingly constructed dialogue scenes in the early going to be even more compelling.  

Honestly, these scenes contain some of the worst stilted dialogue and horribly wooden acting I’ve even seen in a motion picture.  That is no hyperbole.  That is a fact.  It also contains some of the worst editing of all time.  Nearly every fade-out or transition scene is botched, and there are cuts that are just downright perplexing.  The sound is also inconsistent, which I guess happens when you are making a low budget movie, but it’s inconsistent within the SAME SCENE.

What makes the movie WORK is the fact that writer/director James Nguyen’s heart is in it.  He’s sincere.  He wants to save the environment.  That’s why he wrote approximately four hundred speeches about global warming into the screenplay.  You got to appreciate a filmmaker who wears his heart on his sleeve like that.  In fact, I’m reminded of another filmmaker lacking in talent who similarly wore his heart on his sleeve.  That’s right, I’m talking about Ed Wood.  Yes, I would mention Birdemic:  Shock and Terror in the same breath as Glen or Glenda.  Both are just dripping with the directors’ passion.  They are as different as night and day in a lot of regards, but one thing is certain:  Only their respective directors could’ve ever concocted that story and brought it to the screen with such sincerity.  

Sure, it may feel a tad too long in places.  However, that feeling might just come from the fact you’re getting too much of a good (bad) thing.  Could it have been… say… ten minutes shorter?  Possibly.  Then again, what would you cut?  I wouldn’t want to miss the iconic tree hugger scene.  Or the double decker bus scene.  Or the random tribute to “Imagine”.  I wouldn’t trade those moments for the world.  In fact, I’m already kinda itching to see it again.  

TUBI CONTINUED… THEY CALL HER… CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) *** ½

Cleopatra Wong (Marrie Lee) is a badass Interpol agent out to bust a counterfeiting ring.  She finds out the bad guys are smuggling the phony dough in strawberry jam and use a Christian monastery as a front.  Cleo then assembles a crack team to infiltrate the monastery and bring the villains to justice.  

They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong is an awesome hybrid of spy flick and Kung Fu actioner.  It plays like an Asian version of an American Blaxploitation action flick with Marrie Lee playing the Cleopatra Jones type of role.  It’s full of funky wah-wah guitar music on the soundtrack, snazzy ‘70s fashions, and frequent Kung Fu battles.  The fight choreography isn’t exactly great, but the editing is dynamic enough to make the brawls and battles pop with pizzazz.  Oh, and they occur at nearly every reel change, which is also a big plus.  The best thing though is that the while the action occurs in a modern-day setting, the fights are all staged like a traditional period Kung Fu flick.  Seeing that style and energy transposed into the groovy world of bellbottoms and blue jeans, and blended with the globetrotting intrigue of a Bond adventure (or at least the low budget knockoff version of a Bond adventure) makes it a real treat.

The film really takes flight once the action switches over to the monastery.  It’s here where Cleo and her team dress as nuns to infiltrate the holy place of worship.  What I loved about this sequence was the fact that the guys on Cleo’s team don’t even try to hide their beards and thick, bushy handlebar mustaches while disguised in their nuns’ habits!  In fact, They Call Her… Cleopatra Wong proves the rule that any movie can be made better with the addition of nuns brandishing machine guns.

There’s enough violent, slow motion, bloody exploding squib carnage in the third act to make Sam Peckinpah proud.  Then, the action culminates with Cleo hopping on her jet-powered dirty bike with rear-mounted machine guns and using arrows with exploding tips to take out the bad guys seven years before Rambo made it fashionable.  If that isn’t enough to make you want to watch it, the scene where the villain, dressed like a monk, yells as his nun henchwomen and says, “That better be the gospel truth, or I’ll send you straight to Hell!” will.

AKA:  Cleopatra Wong.  AKA:  Female Big Boss.  

TUBI CONTINUED… STALE POPCORN AND STICKY FLOORS (2023) ** ½

Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors is director Dustin Ferguson’s tribute (I hesitate to call it a “documentary”) to the grindhouse horrors and drive-in fare of the ‘70s and ‘80s.  Lynn Lowry talks about working on I Drink Your Blood and The Crazies.  Camilla Carr discusses Don’t Look in the Basement.  John Dugan appears and reflects on The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  John Russo gabs about Midnight.  Kevin Van Hentenryck relives the making of Basket Case and takes us around to a few of the original filming locations.  Brinke Stevens tells us how she came to appear in The Slumber Party Massacre, which launched her career as a Scream Queen.  And so on and so on…  

Some of the interviews are entertaining (especially Lowry’s) and I commend Ferguson for seeking out lesser-known stars to talk about some deep grindhouse cuts that aren’t usually covered in something like this.  I just wish the whole thing looked a little more professional.  Some segments resemble Zoom calls while others look like they were culled from a cheap behind the scenes special features off a DVD.  Other times, the subjects are framed awkwardly on camera and sometimes even have half their head cropped out of the picture.  I don’t know if they filmed the pieces themselves and sent them into Ferguson or what.  It just gives the whole thing an inconsistent look.

Still, there are some good moments here, and lots of solid clips from movies like I Spit on Your Grave, Last House on the Left, Hellhole, Re-Animator, and Street Trash (although many times they are taken from the theatrical trailers).  The segments on low budget horrors like Microwave Massacre, Force of Darkness, and Spookies are fun too, and it was cool seeing the prop maker from Halloween 3 showing off the Silver Shamrock masks.  So, overall, Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors isn’t bad; it’s just a little uneven in terms of both content and quality.

TUBI CONTINUED… RETURN OF THE WITCH (1952) ***

This just in from the “You Just Never Know What the Hell Will Show Up on Tubi” Department.  Here’s a ’50 Finnish horror flick called Return of the Witch.  Now, I’m no scholar on Finnish horror movies.  In fact, I think this is the first one I've seen.  What is interesting about it is that it predates a lot of similarly themed American horror films by several decades.  For example, Witchouse 2, which I reviewed a little while ago for this column, could play as virtual remake of this flick if you squint hard enough as the set-up is nearly identical.   

A husband-and-wife team of scientists are brought in to excavate a swamp that backs up to an old wealthy guy’s mansion.  They do some digging and uncover the body of a witch that had centuries before been staked inside her grave.  They foolishly remove the stake, much to the locals’ protests, and before long, a naked, raven-haired beauty named Birgit (Mirja Mane) is found wandering near the grave.  The team brings her inside and gives her shelter, and she in turn causes the men to become a bunch of horndogs.  She also causes a several calamities among the locals (although to be fair, most of them are just strange coincidences) who come to believe that she is the reincarnation of the witch.

Again, I’m not a scholar when it comes to Finnish horror movies, but I do know for a fact that us prudish Americans did NOT have scenes of nekkid women running around in our horror movies during the ‘50s.  While it’s far from a T & A parade, Return of the Witch is much more blatantly sexual than anything Hollywood would dare try to get away with at the time.  Heck, there’s even some choice four-letter words here too (in the subtitles at least).  I’ll admit, I kinda wished it went a little further with the nudity than it did, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t surprising, and most of all, fun.  I mean, you’ve got to wonder if Lifeforce and Species didn’t take a page out of this flick’s “Naked Woman Turns Men into Brainless Victims” playbook.

Mane is feisty and frisky in the title role.  While the rest of the film is a tad uneven and perhaps a bit creaky at times, her performance is easily the best thing about the movie.  It’s always a blast to watch her whenever she’s on screen.  Mane’s vivacious screen presence is so enchanting that it’s no wonder all the men in the movie fall all over her.  I also thought it was neat that her character is less a malevolent temptress and more of a carefree cutie-pie who just so happens to accidentally curse you.  

In short, Return of the Witch is sure to cast a spell on you.

AKA:  The Witch.  AKA:  The Witch Returns to Life.