LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE TREASURE OF DRACULA (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 23rd, 2013)

THE VAMPIRE AND SEX  (1969)  ***

During Skinamax-A-Palooza we’ve covered just about every area of sex film. But there’s one kind of skin flick we haven’t talked about and that's the South of the Border skin flick. What makes The Vampire and Sex so great is that it stars none other than everyone’s favorite masked wrestler El Santo! Well, he didn’t “star” in it exactly. Some producers got ahold of this flick, retitled it, and added in some extra footage of naked women to sex up the movie. I don’t know what I would say about the original version if I saw it. (It’s called Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.) All I know is that the addition of gratuitous T & A certainly spices up the usual El Santo formula.

El Santo takes some scientists into his crime lab to show them a time machine he’s created. He hopes that the machine will help people come in contact with their previous lives. El Santo wants to test the machine out on his girlfriend, so he puts her in a skintight jumpsuit and sends her into the past.

We soon learn that she was stalked by the evil Count Alucard (Gee… do you think he could be an Eripmav?) in a previous life. Alucard is building a vampire army and goes around converting the nubile women of the town to vampirism. But dumb old Al lets slip where his treasure is hidden right before he gets a stake driven through his heart, so El Santo (who has been carefully monitoring all this on his TV set… I mean “time machine”) knows where his gold is. El Santo quickly brings his girl back to the present and they set out to find Alucard’s treasure. A villain in a black hood also pops up looking for the treasure too. And to further complicate matters, Alucard winds up getting revived.

I don’t know how El Santo’s South of the Border fans reacted to this film. All I know is that it’s pretty awesome seeing El Santo in such sleazy surroundings. Director Rene Cardona pretty much pulled the same stunt of adding nudity to a wrestling film with the incredible Night of the Bloody Apes the very same year. While The Vampire and Sex isn’t in the same league as that classic, it’s definitely a lot of fun.

It has to be said that the T & A scenes are pretty great. They mostly revolve around Count Alucard biting the necks of topless women. There are also scenes of the hot vampire women disrobing in formation before turning into bats. And gentlemen, I’ve got to tell ya, these girls have assets so big that even Russ Meyer would consider them overqualified.

You know, I kinda like this Al guy. Most vampires would undo a woman’s top button to get a better view of her neck before biting her. This guy unbuttons the entire blouse and lets her boobs pop out before he starts nibbling. Talk about being an overachiever! I approve of this guy.

As much as I love El Santo, I have to say that the Count Alucard scenes are easily the most entertaining. That’s mostly because his scenes have all the nudity in them. (El Santo did not participate in the reshoots.) But these scenes also have their share of funny shit. My favorite bit involved vampires being afraid of mistletoe! Before you start laughing so hard that your Yoo-Hoo shoots out of your nose, think about it for a second. It actually makes sense. I mean we’re used to seeing crosses being used to ward off vampires. But a cross is a symbol of Christianity, right? And Christmas is the ultimate celebration of Christianity, right? And what do you hang up at Christmastime? That’s right, mistletoe!

Unfortunately, El Santo isn’t given much do to in the first half of the film besides watch a Cliff’s Notes version of Dracula on his TV set… I mean “time machine”. And you have to wait until the movie is almost over before he has a wrestling bout. He’s also saddled with an annoying bumbling comic relief sidekick (named “Parakeet”) who does dumb shit like swallow whistles.

The second half though isn’t quite as much fun as the first. It’s not nearly as goofy and doesn’t feature as much nudity. But all in all, The Vampire and Sex is definitely a fun romp and well worth checking out, if only to see El Santo in a skin flick. The film is also filled with priceless dialogue. Here are two of my favorite lines from the flick: “A vampire in America? Please don’t taunt me!” and “My teeth have inoculated your flesh!”

AKA: Santo in The Treasure of Dracula. AKA: Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.  

QUICK THOUGHTS:

My previous review was for the “hot” version of Santo in the Treasure of Dracula which had nude inserts entitled The Vampire and Sex.  Although I’ve seen it quite a few times, (most recently on Mystery Science Theater 3000, which uses the same hilarious VCI dubbing track), I’ve never officially reviewed the film in its original format.  

Honestly, the reason why I never got around to reviewing this version is because there really isn’t all that much to add, other than I (naturally) prefer the Vampire and Sex cut of the film because of all the nudity.  That said, Santo in the Treasure of Dracula is still a lot of fun.  I mean you have El Santo.  You have vampires.  And you have time travel.  Those elements alone are enough to make a fine motion picture.  Adding nudity to all this is just the cherry on top.  So, seen in either version, you’re still liable to have a great time. 

And since we are officially one month into my year-long quest to watch every movie on my “To Be Watched” shelf, I thought I’d share a picture of my progress.  Here's what it looked like in January.

And he's what it looks like today...which is to say there hasn’t been any progress because I keep buying more and more movies…

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE DAUGHTER (I, A WOMAN, PART III) (1970) ** ½

Director Mac Ahlberg wraps up the I, a Woman trilogy with this hot-and-cold sequel.  Things start off with a nice little trippy title sequence of a naked chick hanging upside down surrounded by multicolored rain, smoke, and fog.  This is followed by an excellent lesbian snake dace freakout scene.  Then the plot begins, and sadly, these stylish flourishes pretty much disappear. 

A doctor brings his nurse girlfriend Siv (Gun Falk) home a bunch of sex toys in an attempt to prove to her that Denmark is leading the sexual revolution.  When her naive daughter, Birthe (Inger Sundh) comes home early and catches them in the act, she is at first appalled, then later fascinated by her mother’s carefree, pro-sex nature.  Birthe then runs off and shacks up with a black lesbian go-go dancer named Lisa (Ellen Faison), but eventually finds love with the dancer’s brother (Tom Scott), who just so happens to work with Siv. 

The Daughter (I, a Woman, Part III) is a study in changing generational sexual mores.  Where one generation’s taboo ends, another’s begins.  That’s a lofty idea for a skin flick, but sadly, the execution is lacking, especially considering the fact that the drama completely dries up in the third act.  It’s a shame too because the set-up is good enough to draw you in.  When the happy ending does arrive, it almost feels like a cop-out. 

You also have to put up with a lot of padding in the form of a long barroom brawl involving a gang of bikers beating up a bunch of hippies.  Speaking of hippies, there’s also a long sequence of hippies smoking dope which eats up a lot of screen time.  Fortunately, the sex scenes are solid, and the skin quotient is plentiful, which helps make up for some of the lapses in the third act. 

AKA:  The Daughter.  AKA:  The Daughter:  I, a Woman, Part III.  AKA:  Black Brother, Black Sister.  AKA:  Black Voltage.  AKA:  Like Mother, Like Daughter:  I, a Woman Part III.

MONSTERAMA SCI FI LATE NIGHT CREATURE FEATURE SHOW (1996) ** ½

Here’s yet another Something Weird trailer compilation tape.  I have to say, it’s not one of their best collections.  In fact, you’ve probably seen most (or all) of these trailers elsewhere (including on other Something Weird tapes).  Then again, if you’re a sucker like me for trailer comps and monster mash tapes, it’ll go down smooth enough. 

Monsterama Sci Fi Late Night Creature Feature Show is chockfull of trailers for ‘50s space exploration flicks (Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, and When Worlds Collide), Grade Z junk (Teenage Zombies, Killers from Space, and From Hell It Came), 3-D movies (It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, and The Mad Magician), films from Universal Studios (The Wolf Man, The Ghost of Frankenstein, and House of Dracula), the works of Roger Corman (Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the World Ended, and It Conquered the World), selections from Val Lewton’s career (I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, and The Curse of the Cat People), and the comedies of Abbott and Costello (Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein).  Unfortunately, some of the trailers are shorter versions and/or from re-releases.  Oddly enough, the trailer for Half-Human has Spanish subtitles, which is something different at least.

Would I like to have seen a few other subgenres represented here?  Sure.  Would it have been nice to have seen more trailers for color movies?  (And by “color”, I mean “newer” as there are trailers for the likes of Scared to Death, This Island Earth, and Invaders from Mars.)  You bet.  Should there have been a few obscure titles sprinkled in here and there for the sake of variety?  Absolutely.  However, if you’ve got an itch to watch a bunch of ‘50s black and white Sci-Fi trailers, this will be the cure for what ails you. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Monster of Piedras Blancas, How to Make a Monster, Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, Teenage Zombies, Half-Human, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Killers from Space, Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Mad Magician, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Creature with the Atom Brain, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, X the Unknown, Tarantula, The Day the World Ended, When Worlds Collide, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the Earth Caught Fire, Burn, Witch, Burn!, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Time Machine, Rodan, Them!, Revenge of the Creature, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Curse of the Cat People, Son of Dracula, House of Frankenstein, The Body Snatcher, House of Dracula, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, Mighty Joe Young, This Island Earth, It Came from Beneath the Sea, The Astounding She-Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, The Deadly Mantis, Beyond the Time Barrier, Beyond the Time Barrier (TV Spot), Phantom from Space, Invaders from Mars, The War of the Worlds, The Creature Walks Among Us, It Conquered the World, The Mole People, The She-Creature, The Man Who Turned to Stone, 20 Million Miles to Earth, The 27th Day, The Monster That Challenged the World, From Hell It Came.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

SAMSON IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

(As posted on March 9th, 2012)

The mysterious Dr. Karol opens a new wax museum in town. The main attraction features sculptures of famous people like Gary Cooper, Gandhi, Joseph Stalin, and Pancho Villa. In the basement, he keeps wax figures of Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A pretty young journalist goes to do a story on the museum and quickly disappears. Her family then asks the great wrestler-turned-crime fighter, Samson to find her. Predictably, Samson learns that Dr. Karol is the mastermind behind her kidnapping. He also intends to turn her into a “Panther Woman” for his latest attraction.

The first half hour of Samson in the Wax Museum is needlessly talky and criminally low on Samson action. If you can get past the shaky beginning, I think you’ll enjoy this entry. While it’s not quite as good as Samson vs. the Vampire Women, it does have a lot more footage of him in the ring. We’re talking about some solid Lucha Libre here. There are three wrestling scenes in total; all of which help liven things up when the plot slows down. By far the best wrestling match is Samson’s final bout with a swishy opponent. (The scenes of Samson tussling with hired thugs in people’s backyards are a blast too.)

I guess it goes without saying, but Samson in the Wax Museum is kinda like a refried version of House of Wax. The thing that’s kinda cool about it is that it also borrows freely from The Island of Lost Souls too as Dr. Karol keeps a race of animal men in his dungeon (and naturally they turn on their creator and kill him). These final scenes are electric. Shortcomings aside, this movie features Samson fighting monsters in a cool mad scientist lab; so what more could you ask for?

AKA: Santo in the Wax Museum.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

If you’ve seen VCI’s other El Santo releases, you know that they have been redubbed in such an atrocious manner that it makes the worst Kung Fu dubbing seem like Oscar-caliber material.  (Of course, I still dig them since it adds to the overall cheese factor.)  Their release of Santo in the Wax Museum is a bit different.  They basically used the same dub from the old K. Gordon Murray release (that was titled “Samson in the Wax Museum”) from the ‘60s, and simply added in a new title sequence retaining the original title, Santo in the Wax Museum. 

As for the movie, my original review still stands.  The only addition I can make is a word about the villain’s origin story.  Future filmmakers:  I implore you.  If you’re planning on making the villain of your silly Mexican wrestling/monster movie a Holocaust survivor… don’t. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: KILLER BARBYS VS. DRACULA (2002) * ½

Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys was a quirky, cool, and atmospheric rock n’ roll/horror hybrid.  This cheap sequel was shot on video, features bad dubbing, and is sorely missing the charm that made the original a minor classic. 

The Spanish punk band Killer Barbies play a rock show at an amusement park.  Little do they know Count Dracula’s coffin has been delivered to the park.  Their loud rocking and rolling awakens the Count from his slumber and he soon goes around biting tourists on the neck. 

The band’s numbers aren’t staged or performed nearly as well as the ones in the first film.  (They do a so-so cover of Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson’s “Candy” that qualifies as the musical highlight.)  The problem is they aren’t in it nearly as much as you’d think.  The first film was basically an R-rated version of Scooby-Doo with the Killer Barbies acting as Scooby and his gang.  This one is like a cheap Dracula movie that’s occasionally interrupted by performances by the band. 

In fact, it just seems like Jess had use of a theme park for a few days, so he filmed some quick scenes of some old farts hanging around.  Then, he filmed some dope running around in a Dracula cape.  Finally, he called up the Barbies and shot some scenes of them performing before cobbling it all together. 

The humor is groaning inducing.  Once the Count wakes up (he’s somehow able to move around in daylight), a news reporter asks him, “Have you had any trouble with AIDS?”  Dracula himself is a joke.  He’s bald but looks and acts more like Uncle Fester than Nosferatu.  A lot of time is also spent on the annoying Dr. Seward who basically acts as the Van Helsing character. 

At least Killer Barbies lead singer Sylvia Superstar is looking as sexy as ever.  Wearing an array of skimpy outfits, she’s fun to watch as she struts, prances, and dances around on stage.  It’s also amusing seeing Franco’s muse Lina Romay as the vampire’s familiar, who dresses like a cross between a dominatrix and a dictator (although I think she’s supposed to be a chauffeur).  Their enchanting presence isn’t nearly enough to save this dreck though. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BEASTMASTER (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This has been on TBS a zillion times, so everybody’s probably seen it at least once.  Marc Singer stars as Dar, a warrior who can control tigers, falcons and ferrets with his mind.  He and Seth (Good Times’ John Amos) try to rescue a slave girl (A View to a Kill’s Tanya Roberts), help a young prince, and defeat the evil Maax (Larry Sander’s Rip Torn), who sacrifices kids.  Of course, Dar has to fight a guy who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet, because every sword and sorcery movie made in the 80’s has a villain who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet.  It’s rated PG, but it still has enough action, gore (severed heads in soup), and nudity (Roberts goes for a topless swim, which you don’t get to see on TBS) to keep everybody happy.  The bat-like creatures that wrap their wings around their victims and eat them till they’re nothing but slime and bones are the best part.  (They gave me nightmares as a kid.)  Singer later appeared on the V mini-series and director Don Coscarelli also directed Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Having watched The Beastmaster for the first time in a long while, I have to say the movie is still great fun.  It’s definitely one of the best Sword and Sorcery flicks of the era.  Marc Singer, who kind of resembles Mark Hamill on steroids, makes for a likable hero, and Dar is a great character who has a cool gimmick of communicating with animals (it’s kind of like Dr. Doolittle Meets Conan the Barbarian) and uses a boomerang blade.  (Those ferrets are as cute as ever.)  Director Don Coscarelli delivers not only one of the best sword-slinging epics of ’82, but also gave us one of the all-time greatest quicksand scenes in cinematic history. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Before the movie begins, we get an on-screen apology from Vinegar Syndrome stating that the 4K restoration comes from the best surviving print and that sequences featuring optical effects will suffer from some grain and damage and yada, yada, yada…  But I’ll be damned if The Beastmaster doesn’t look and sound much bigger and badder than it ever did in 4K.  After years of watching it on TBS (back when it was affectionately known as “The Beastmaster Station”) in its censored and pan and scan form, seeing it now in 4K is something of a revelation.  The nighttime scenes are incredible, with the burning torches and rolling dust looking terrific against the black sky.  The scenes of Rip Torn cavorting with his hags (who have “10” bodies and “1” faces) are particularly outstanding, and the pulsating sacs of God knows what hanging from the bat people’s trees looks as cool as it ever did.  The cinematography by the great John (The Shining) Alcott really comes alive in 4K, and makes you really appreciate his work. 

But of course, the best-looking thing in 4K is Tanya Roberts.  As the Beastmaster’s pet panther would say… “GROWL!” 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS (2023) **

A car thief named Noah (Anthony Ramos) makes the bad decision to try to steal a Transformer.  Meanwhile, Elena (Dominque Fishback), an intern at a museum, accidentally sets off a beacon while cleaning an ancient artifact that awakens a giant planet-eating robot.  Autobot leader Optimus Prime grudgingly turns to Noah to steal it so he and his robot pals can go home.  Naturally, the bad Transformers want it, so the humans and Transformers make an alliance with a tribe of robot animals called “Maximals” to save Earth. 

The motto for Transformers has always been “More Than Meets the Eye”, but with Rise of the Beasts, it’s more like, “What You See is What You Get”.  Creed 2 director Steven Caple Jr. at least knows how to keep the camera still during the action and doesn’t go overboard like Michael Bay did.  He makes sure the various robot battles are coherent, which is more than I can say for Bay.  Caple also tries to give the film a bit of heart a la Bumblebee as a chunk of the movie is about a boy and his car… err… robot, albeit with less successful results. 

The problem is that the robot animal Transformers are kind of weak.  I mean, as a series goes on, the ideas should get cooler, not lamer.  Age of Extinction had robot dinosaurs, which is an admittedly cool idea.  (Even though it was poorly executed in the movie.)  After seeing robot dinosaurs, robot monkeys and birds seems like a big downgrade. 

The human cast is filled with no-names, all of whom are okay, but unmemorable.  They’re not as annoying as some of the humans in the Bay-directed films.  It’s just that they lack personality.  The voice cast is rather stacked, with Michelle Yeoh, Peter Dinklage, Colman Domingo, Pete Davidson, and Ron Perlman providing the voices for the new robots.  However, their voices are so overprocessed and computerized that they could’ve been voiced by anybody really. 

Overall, Rise of the Beasts is a step up from the first five Transformers films, but that’s not exactly much to brag about.  It still has all the moronic stuff people want from the Bay movies (robots fighting, pissing, and talking in jive accents), albeit not nearly as mind-crushingly stupid.  It is, however, a big step down from Bumblebee.  (I did like the stinger at the end, though.)