LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE TREASURE OF DRACULA (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 23rd, 2013)

THE VAMPIRE AND SEX  (1969)  ***

During Skinamax-A-Palooza we’ve covered just about every area of sex film. But there’s one kind of skin flick we haven’t talked about and that's the South of the Border skin flick. What makes The Vampire and Sex so great is that it stars none other than everyone’s favorite masked wrestler El Santo! Well, he didn’t “star” in it exactly. Some producers got ahold of this flick, retitled it, and added in some extra footage of naked women to sex up the movie. I don’t know what I would say about the original version if I saw it. (It’s called Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.) All I know is that the addition of gratuitous T & A certainly spices up the usual El Santo formula.

El Santo takes some scientists into his crime lab to show them a time machine he’s created. He hopes that the machine will help people come in contact with their previous lives. El Santo wants to test the machine out on his girlfriend, so he puts her in a skintight jumpsuit and sends her into the past.

We soon learn that she was stalked by the evil Count Alucard (Gee… do you think he could be an Eripmav?) in a previous life. Alucard is building a vampire army and goes around converting the nubile women of the town to vampirism. But dumb old Al lets slip where his treasure is hidden right before he gets a stake driven through his heart, so El Santo (who has been carefully monitoring all this on his TV set… I mean “time machine”) knows where his gold is. El Santo quickly brings his girl back to the present and they set out to find Alucard’s treasure. A villain in a black hood also pops up looking for the treasure too. And to further complicate matters, Alucard winds up getting revived.

I don’t know how El Santo’s South of the Border fans reacted to this film. All I know is that it’s pretty awesome seeing El Santo in such sleazy surroundings. Director Rene Cardona pretty much pulled the same stunt of adding nudity to a wrestling film with the incredible Night of the Bloody Apes the very same year. While The Vampire and Sex isn’t in the same league as that classic, it’s definitely a lot of fun.

It has to be said that the T & A scenes are pretty great. They mostly revolve around Count Alucard biting the necks of topless women. There are also scenes of the hot vampire women disrobing in formation before turning into bats. And gentlemen, I’ve got to tell ya, these girls have assets so big that even Russ Meyer would consider them overqualified.

You know, I kinda like this Al guy. Most vampires would undo a woman’s top button to get a better view of her neck before biting her. This guy unbuttons the entire blouse and lets her boobs pop out before he starts nibbling. Talk about being an overachiever! I approve of this guy.

As much as I love El Santo, I have to say that the Count Alucard scenes are easily the most entertaining. That’s mostly because his scenes have all the nudity in them. (El Santo did not participate in the reshoots.) But these scenes also have their share of funny shit. My favorite bit involved vampires being afraid of mistletoe! Before you start laughing so hard that your Yoo-Hoo shoots out of your nose, think about it for a second. It actually makes sense. I mean we’re used to seeing crosses being used to ward off vampires. But a cross is a symbol of Christianity, right? And Christmas is the ultimate celebration of Christianity, right? And what do you hang up at Christmastime? That’s right, mistletoe!

Unfortunately, El Santo isn’t given much do to in the first half of the film besides watch a Cliff’s Notes version of Dracula on his TV set… I mean “time machine”. And you have to wait until the movie is almost over before he has a wrestling bout. He’s also saddled with an annoying bumbling comic relief sidekick (named “Parakeet”) who does dumb shit like swallow whistles.

The second half though isn’t quite as much fun as the first. It’s not nearly as goofy and doesn’t feature as much nudity. But all in all, The Vampire and Sex is definitely a fun romp and well worth checking out, if only to see El Santo in a skin flick. The film is also filled with priceless dialogue. Here are two of my favorite lines from the flick: “A vampire in America? Please don’t taunt me!” and “My teeth have inoculated your flesh!”

AKA: Santo in The Treasure of Dracula. AKA: Santo and Dracula’s Treasure.  

QUICK THOUGHTS:

My previous review was for the “hot” version of Santo in the Treasure of Dracula which had nude inserts entitled The Vampire and Sex.  Although I’ve seen it quite a few times, (most recently on Mystery Science Theater 3000, which uses the same hilarious VCI dubbing track), I’ve never officially reviewed the film in its original format.  

Honestly, the reason why I never got around to reviewing this version is because there really isn’t all that much to add, other than I (naturally) prefer the Vampire and Sex cut of the film because of all the nudity.  That said, Santo in the Treasure of Dracula is still a lot of fun.  I mean you have El Santo.  You have vampires.  And you have time travel.  Those elements alone are enough to make a fine motion picture.  Adding nudity to all this is just the cherry on top.  So, seen in either version, you’re still liable to have a great time. 

And since we are officially one month into my year-long quest to watch every movie on my “To Be Watched” shelf, I thought I’d share a picture of my progress.  Here's what it looked like in January.

And he's what it looks like today...which is to say there hasn’t been any progress because I keep buying more and more movies…