NEWS AND NOTES

Hey everyone. I guess you can tell I haven’t been around a lot as of late.  I’ve had some problems with LiveJournal lately and to make a long story short, I packed up my bags and went to Blogger for a spell.  I didn’t really like that all that much either, so as of now, I’m kinda in between blogs until I figure out what I want to do.  In the meantime, I’m going to dust off my old Letterboxd account and use that as my temporary home for my reviews.  So if you want to see what I’m up to nowadays, you can find me here:  https://letterboxd.com/thevideovacuum/

SUICIDEGIRLS: THE RELAUNCH (2015) ** ½

Although the SuicideGirls movies are never all that great, I still continue to check them out, mostly because they remind me of those old Centerfold shoots you’d use to see on The Playboy Channel (except with a lot more tattoos and piercings).  There’s something to be said for a film franchise that is nothing more than a series of interludes where women disrobe in front of the camera, occasionally interrupted by dull getting-to-know-you shit.  This isn’t the greatest SuicideGirls flick, but it is the latest, so that counts for something.

The whole “premise” (and I use that term loosely) is that the SuicideGirls website has become old and outdated.  Because of that, the people in charge want to relaunch the website.  In order to do so, they have to come up with a lot of new content.  That’s where the endless scenes of tattooed trollops disrobing come in.

The stripping scenes themselves are hit-and-miss.  The good news is that even if there is a sequence that doesn’t work, there’s another one nipping close behind.  The best sequence features Quinne, a busty babe who does a poolside striptease while all her friends chill out in the background.  She definitely has a way with the camera and her coy innocence is a nice compliment to her overabundance of tattoos.  I also dug the scene of two bikini babes having a topless water gun fight.  Some of the music during the stripteases is a tad annoying, but hey, that’s why the MUTE button was invented.

I could’ve done without all scenes of the girls brainstorming new ideas for photo shoots, publicity stunts, and merchandising.  Many of these scenes feel phony and and/or over-rehearsed.  Since they’re nothing more than filler, these interludes make for a perfect place to go get a sandwich, grab a beer, or fold some laundry.  Trust me, you won’t miss anything.

THE RAGE OF WIND (1973) **

During the Japanese occupation of China, there is an increased tax on the local fisherman, which causes much strife.  The Japanese also go around beating the tar out of hapless fisherman, just to throw their weight around.  Chen (Shanghai Massacre) Sing is a Chinese boxer who returns to his home in China with his Caucasian bride in tow.  He killed a guy in the ring back in America, so he vows never to use his fists again.  If you can’t already predict, the Japanese push him to his limit until he breaks his promise and starts kicking ass again.

The Rage of Wind isn’t bad, but it suffers from some considerable lulls in the action.  Most of the lulls are devoted to showing how bad the Japanese were.  They’re pretty much assholes in this.  They hassle random passersby and hang up dead people as a warning to others.  These sequences are necessary I suppose.  However, they do have a tendency to get repetitive after a while.

Once Chen finally says enough is enough, the action is decent, although it’s really nothing out of the ordinary.  The finale where he fights the villain on the beach and does some Steven Seagal moves while waves crash in the background is OK, but it’s just a day late and a dollar short. 
 

The plot is standard issue and the fights are mostly unmemorable.  What is memorable is the music score.  And by “music score”, I mean that they just steal Isaac Hayes’ music from Shaft at inappropriate times.  Sadly, they don’t use any of the vocals.  If there was a part where Hayes sang, “They say this cat Chen is one bad mother…” it might have been all worthwhile.  Alas, it was not to be.

SWISS ARMY MAN (2016) * ½

 

 

I had no idea that The Beach Boys biopic Love and Mercy was part of the Harry Potter Extended Universe.  It seems like an unlikely pairing, but you know me.  I’ll watch just about anything.  Since everyone was falling all over themselves to praise Swiss Army Man, I thought I’d check it out. 

I wish Harry Potter could cast a spell on me so I’ll forget I even saw it.

This is the story of how Brian Wilson got shipwrecked and became the original Beach Boy.  One day while in the midst of a suicide attempt, he decides to befriend the bloated, farting corpse of Harry Potter.  Desperate for company, he keeps the dead wizard around and at various times uses him as a jet ski, a water fountain, a razor, and a projectile gun to kill small animals. 

 

I know what you’re thinking.  There is no way a corpse can do all of that.  However, since this is Harry Potter’s corpse, it can do magic and shit.

The premise is unlikely, but there are stretches where it works.  The early scenes are full of promise and there are a handful of funny scenes.  Most of it goes out the window once Harry Potter’s dead body inexplicably starts talking. 

All of this seems more like a calculated oddity than the genuine article.  Take for instance the scene where Harry Potter gets a magic boner that takes on a life of its own.  Even the King of Filth, John Waters would’ve probably written this scene out because it’s just too dumb.  Or the scene in which Brian Wilson dresses up in drag to teach the corpse about dating. 

The ending may come as a surprise to some people.  I had it figured out pretty early on.  I mean in Love and Mercy we learned that Brian Wilson had a long history of mental illness.  All this movie does is confirms just how far gone he really was.

I’m not sure how this all fits into the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them series.  Or maybe this is in fact secretly The Deathly Hollows Part 3.  I guess you’d have to find someone at a Harry Potter convention to get an answer to that one. 

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (2017) *** ½

The opening scene of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is one of pure joy.  The adorable Baby Groot (Vin Diesel) does a toe-tapping dance number to ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” while Star Lord (Chris Pratt), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Drax (Dave Bautista), and Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) fight a giant space squid.  Most directors would make the space squid battle the center of the action.  Thank God director James Gunn isn’t most people.  Instead, he focuses on Baby Groot’s dance moves while all the space action happens in the background.

This is truly one of the best moments in a Marvel movie thus far.  The only problem is that Gunn tries this same ploy of keeping the action obscured while something humorous is happening in the foreground a little too often.  Each time he does so, it’s with diminishing returns.  Since the first time he did it was unadulterated cinematic bliss, I can’t say I really blame him for trying to recapture that feeling.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a sequel set in The Empire Strikes Back mode.  I don’t mean that it’s a particularly darker movie, although there is some dark stuff in it.  What I mean is that it is steeped in Daddy Issues and that half of the team is split up for most of the running time.  It also has a bit of a Wrath of Khan vibe as there is at least one touching death scene.

As you can see, just by throwing out Empire and Khan in conjunction with this movie, you can already tell it’s a pretty good one.  I can’t say it’s quite as good as the first one, but that’s mostly because it lacks the freshness and invention of the original.  Things really sizzle when Rocket and Baby Groot have to team up with their former foe Yondu (Michael Rooker) to escape the clutches of some space pirates.  In fact, Yondu’s whole character arc is one of the genuine surprises of the entire flick.  We all know that Michael Rooker is a national treasure.  It’s just that he has been woefully underutilized for decades.  Here, Gunn gives him a golden opportunity to do what he does best and Rooker hits it out of the park.

Going into the film, I was the most hyped about seeing Kurt Russell.  He is a great addition to the Marvel Universe and he does a fine job with his role.  There really isn’t anything wrong with his character arc, except that it’s predictable.  (I mean, his name is Ego, which pretty much tells you that he’s only looking out for himself.)  The way he plays it though, with that unmistakable twinkle in his eyes, keeps it from feeling stale.

Even though the film mostly centers around Pratt, it still feels like he gets the short end of the stick.  He was a revelation in the first movie.  You could see a movie star in the making.  Here, he’s mostly a dick to his friends until he learns the error of his ways.  Like Russell, he’s not exactly bad or anything, it’s just that the writing is a bit flat (and the final superhero battle looks like it came right out of Man of Steel).

Luckily, Drax is even more hilarious this time out.  Once again, Dave Bautista steals scene after scene from his more prestigious co-stars.  I also liked the interplay between Gamora and her sister Nebula (Karen Gillan). 

So yeah, it may not entirely be successful, but it’s amazing just how good Vol. 2 is.  I can’t say it’s as good as the first one.  I can say it comes damned close.

If anything, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is the second best sequel starring Vin Diesel and Kurt Russell about a makeshift family unit engaging in crazy action sequences where the villain from the last one is a good guy in this one I’ve seen in the past month.

 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard:

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½

 

2017 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

The LEGO Batman Movie:  ****

Logan:  ****

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½

Ghost in the Shell:  *** ½

EMPIRE STATE (2013) ** ½

Chris (Liam Hemsworth) wants to be a cop so he can support his family, but he just isn’t cut out for it.  Instead, he gets a job as a security guard for an armored car company.  He quickly realizes that the company doesn’t give a shit about anything.  The security is lax, the cameras are broken, and the entry code is 1-2-3-4.  After Chris’ partner (Michael Rispoli) is killed during a hold-up, the company refuses to pay his widow a proper settlement.   So Chris decides to steal a bunch of money and give her the bulk of it.  Unfortunately, he blabs about it to his hotshot friend (Michael Angarano from Sky High) who tells some local thugs just how easy it is to steal from the place, and they pressure Chris into planning another heist.  Naturally, the robbery doesn’t go as planned, and a badass cop (The Rock) starts needling Chris to find the missing loot.

Empire State starts off with great promise, but it peters out about halfway through.  The film is at its best when it focuses on the relationship between Hemsworth and Angarano.  You get a definite Mean Streets vibe from their characters.  Angarano is particularly great as the slimy loudmouth best friend and Hemsworth does a good job as the straight arrow whose one lapse in judgment leads to an unending shit storm.

Unfortunately, once he robs the place, there’s really nothing left for his character to do.  Most of the time, he stands idly by, sulking as his friend, the Greek mob, and some Colombian drug dealers worm their way into the mix, all trying to get a cut of the money.  It’s here where the picture starts to get muddled.  I think director Dito (Fighting) Montiel was going for a slow burn type of deal, but the finale suffers from a so-so shootout and a couple of obvious plot twists.

At least the picture is anchored by a great supporting turn by The Rock.  He’s so good that you’ll wish his role was bigger.  He exudes attitude and swagger as the ball-breaking cop on the case.  Whether he’s playing mind games with Hemsworth or talking shit to gangsters, the film really comes alive whenever he’s on screen.  Even when the movie is going south, The Rock keeps you watching. 

GAMERA THE BRAVE (2006) ** ½

A little boy is having trouble coming to grips with his mother’s death.  One day he finds a baby turtle and makes it his pet.  He soon learns that this is no ordinary turtle as it can fly around his room.  At first, he is able to keep Gamera out of sight, but that becomes a problem once it starts growing rapidly.  Meanwhile, a lot of ships begin disappearing off the coast of Japan.  Do you think a giant monster could be responsible for the disappearances?  You bet.  Do you think Gamera is going to grow up and kick the monster’s butt?  Damn right!

The scenes of the kid bonding with the little Gamera are the best ones in the movie.  Usually in these films we have a giant turtle befriending a little boy, but in this one, they reverse their roles.  It’s a clever little twist on the conventions of not only the Gamera series, but of giant monster flicks as a whole.

My favorite scene directly rips off E.T. where the kid is out and about while Gamera stays at home and whatever happens to the kid happens to Gamera at the house.  While he’s out skateboarding in a skating bowl, Gamera is narrowly avoiding being cooked alive in a wok.  It’s corny, sure, but I dug it.

The monster fights are solid.  The villain looks like a reptilian version of the bad guys from The Dark Crystal and he has a retractable tongue like the Alien.  I also liked the new Gamera costume.  He looks more wide-eyed and spry, a look that was perhaps inspired by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The movie itself never really takes off and achieves the heights of the newer Godzilla movies, but it’s fun for the most part.  While the ‘90s Gamera series was highly touted, they more or less left me cold.  This one is an improvement in just about every way.  I’d say it’s about on par with the ‘60s Gamera films.  While it’s not exactly impressive or memorable, it gets the job done.  Gamera fans will be pleased, although others may be left wanting more.

A DANGEROUS METHOD (2011) *** ½

Even when he isn’t working in the horror genre, David Cronenberg’s movies are overtly psychological and sexual.  That makes him an ideal director for this story about Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender) and Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen).  Jung heals a young patient (Keira Knightley) using Freud’s “Talking Cure” and soon finds himself head over heels in love with her.  Even though he is a married family man, he still feels compelled to continue with his risky, kinky relationship with his patient.  Freud begins to take a personal interest in Jung’s work, although they often find themselves at odds with one another’s ideas.

Cronenberg, for better or worse, has given up mutant flies and rage babies in his work, but it’s fun seeing his themes melding nicely into what is (on the surface, at least) a period drama.  Make no mistake, this is a monster movie.  It’s just that the monster in this one is repression.  Jung holds back his feelings for his patient because it’s not “proper” while she freely gives into any temptation that comes her way.  It’s Jung’s need to repress his emotions that ultimately leads to the crumbling of their relationship.   

The triumvirate of performances anchors the movie, even when the script threatens to go off the tracks (things jump around a lot in the third act).  Fassbender is terrific as Jung.  He does a nice balance of a scholarly doctor and chronic horndog.  His scenes with Knightley bristle with sexual tension and the pair have a lot of chemistry together.  Mortensen is equally great as Freud.  He is smug and self-satisfied whenever Jung toes the line and accepts his theories, but broods with wounded pride and heartless contempt whenever they don’t see eye to eye.  Still, their friendship endures throughout the years (there’s a lot of letter-writing in this movie) and together, they laid the groundwork for psychoanalysts everywhere.

TABOO 3 (1984) **

Kay Parker has to deal with her son leaving home after he is unable able to continue their incestuous relationship.  Before long, she starts having sexual feelings for her younger son, Jerry Butler.  Kay feels guilty about having such taboo desires, but she quickly gets over it once she finds out her girlfriend is having an incestuous relationship of her own.

Taboo 3 is a mediocre ‘80s XXX flick in just about every regard.  Unlike its predecessors, the performances just aren’t very good.  Parker in particular is uninspired and her flat line readings of bland dialogue like, “I hate this incest thing!” are not up to the standards she set for herself in the previous films.  Another stumbling block is the fact that there aren’t really any sparks between her and Butler, which makes their final scene anticlimactic.

Speaking of Butler, his character is a manager of a lame British rock band whose singer looks like Rod Stewart.  Because of that, the running time is padded with performances by the band (they are rather terrible).  That really wouldn’t matter too much if the sex scenes were hot.  Unfortunately, they are all rather tepid.  The only one that really stands out is the big orgy scene (which prominently features Ron Jeremy), and even then, it isn’t nearly as steamy as the similar scenes in the previous films in the series.

AKA:  Taboo 3:  The Final Chapter.

DEATH RIDE TO OSAKA (1983) ** ½

American girls with dreams of stardom in their eyes are lured to a Tokyo nightclub with the promise of a job opportunity.  When they get there, they are dismayed to learn that they have actually been hired as what are essentially glorified prostitutes.  One such girl is Jennifer Jason-Leigh, a mousy, naïve waitress who’s an aspiring singer that eagerly signs up to be the club’s main attraction.  Once she figures out what’s going on, she tries  to escape before the Yakuza who runs the club have her killed.    

Jennifer Jason-Leigh gives a good performance as the likeable and shy heroine.  Ann Jillian (the same year as her saucy turn in Mr. Mom) is equally fine as the most experienced girl at the club who does a sultry dance number.  Speaking of Mr. Mom, Carolyn Seymour also shows up as the icy female head of the operation.  Mako and Soon-Tek Oh are also around to lend their considerable talents. 

Director Jonathan Kaplan has pretty much made a career out of telling stories about women being assaulted and/or imprisoned as he also did The Accused, Brokedown Palace, and Reform School Girl.  This was originally a TV movie (you can tell because Ann Jillian gets “Guest Star” billing), but I saw the spicy international version that has a little bit of skin.  These moments are really brief though as most of the nudity comes from stripteases and quick shots of women getting dressed.  Overall, the nudity isn’t plentiful enough to make this a worthwhile effort, although it does make it more memorable than your average Movie of the Week drama.    

AKA:  Girls of the White Orchid.  AKA:  Operation Osaka. 

THE STORY OF THE GUN (1991) **

The Story of the Gun seems like a mash-up of a John Woo actioner (there are shots of doves before a shootout) and a Jackie Chan comedy.  None of it really works though, mostly because the comedic shit is pretty unbearable.  The action is competently staged (I liked the scene where a guy gets thrown through a watermelon stand in slow motion) and there is a smattering of blood, although the various fight sequences and shootouts aren’t quite good enough to salvage the movie. 

The plot has Gordon Liu playing a cop who is out to bust a gunrunning ring.  The problem is that the stuff with the villain rising to power takes up too much time.  The subplot with the villain’s love triangle slows things down too.  You also have to put up with a long scene in which a nerdy chick sings karaoke that’s pretty much murder on the ears. 

As much as I love Gordon Liu, it’s kind of hard to buy him playing this type of character.  Not only that, he looks ridiculous sporting a Magnum P.I. mustache and a scraggily mullet.  I mean, look at this guy:

There’s also a weird scene in the beginning where Liu and his son take a bath together that is really uncomfortable to watch (especially when the kid comments on his dad’s “big thing”).  It’s supposed to be played for laughs, but it’s just really odd.  Maybe it’s a cultural thing and something got lost in translation.  At any rate, it just seems out of place and inappropriate.

AKA:  Guns of the Master Killer.

AT THE EARTH’S CORE (1976) **

Here’s another Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptation from Amicus starring Doug McClure.  It proved to be the final production for the company.  They sure picked a goofy flick to go out on.

Scientist Peter Cushing invents a giant manned drill and asks McClure to accompany him on an expedition under the Earth’s crust.  The machine naturally goes out of control and hurls them off course.  They eventually find themselves in a strange land run by piggish humanoids that immediately put them into slavery.  It’s then up to McClure to escape and lead a slave uprising, all the while avoiding a litany of rubbery monsters.

The scenes with the monsters are pretty good too, even if the costumes are crappy.  They look like giant parrots, rhinos, and dinosaurs.  There’s also a killer plant attack and a scene where McClure has to fight a gladiator duel with something that looks like a mutant hippo.  The shots of the pterodactyls flying around are shoddy looking too.  At least it’s slightly more fun that The Land That Time Forgot.

Cushing minces around for most of his screen time, bumbling about and muttering to himself.  He’s pretty much wasted, but McClure makes for an OK, if square hero.  The cast member who fares best is Caroline Munro, who plays the sexy slave girl love interest.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, except for stand around, and brother, when she stands around; she’s certainly easy on the eyes. 

WE OWN THE NIGHT (2007) ***

Director James Gray reteamed with the stars of The Yards, Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg for this gritty police drama that plays like a mash-up of Prince of the City, Goodfellas, and The Departed.  Phoenix is a sleazy nightclub owner who tries to distance himself from his family, all of whom are cops.  Since his club is a haven for drug dealers, his police captain father (Robert Duvall) wants him to keep the cops informed about what goes on there.  Phoenix, who is accustomed to his freewheeling lifestyle, refuses.  After his brother (Wahlberg) is ambushed and shot by a would-be assassin, Phoenix agrees to go undercover, inform on the dealers, and go into the witness protection program.  Eventually, he finally stops resisting and follows the family code and becomes a cop too.

We Own the Night is a solid drama filled to the brim with great performances.  It’s absorbing and entertaining, but it sometimes feels like Gray is trying to cram too many subplots into the film.  Some of the subplots work (like Phoenix’s strained relationship with a party girl played by Eva Mendes), while others feel rushed and inorganic (like Phoenix’s sudden ascension through the police ranks).  Adding to the rushed feeling is the awkward, easy-to-spot ADR that helps speed the plot along.

I’m not saying that this is a bad flick.  There are stretches here that really pack an emotional wallop.  It’s just that it feels really crammed for a two hour movie.  There’s probably a great two and a half hour version hiding in an editing bay somewhere. 

You all know me.  I mean, rarely do I wish a film was longer.  I just feel that with a little breathing room here and there that this could have been a classic.

AKA:  Undercover.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: THE MOVIE (2016) *** ½

When I was a teenager, I would obsessively watch Comedy Central.  My favorite show was Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I also really enjoyed Absolutely Fabulous too.  With both series getting a recent revitalization, I decided to check out the big screen Ab Fab movie.  Usually whenever they do these updates, they come up short (especially when it’s been two decades since the show was on the air).  I’m glad to report that the ongoing adventures of Patsy (Joanna Lumley) and Edina (Jennifer Saunders) are just as funny (if not more so) as their cult TV show.

We find Edina desperately trying to make ends meet while still clinging to her lavish lifestyle of excess.  When an opportunity to do PR for Kate Moss (herself) arises, she decides to go for it.  Naturally, things go wrong.  Edina sees Kate at a party and accidentally winds up throwing her into the Thames.  Kate is presumed dead and Edina is blamed, so she and Patsy escape London and go to the South of France where they intend to marry a millionaire so they can live out the rest of their days in style.

Absolutely Fabulous:  The Movie is just the movie you would hope it to be.  Patsy and Edina, who I always felt were a female version of Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, get into one outrageous situation after another, consume a lot of drugs and alcohol, and make the audience laugh.  The duo slip effortlessly back into their roles and chemistry and timing is as sharp as ever.  The endless celebrity cameos are often very funny too (I wouldn’t dream of spoiling the best ones).

This might not win over any new fans.  If you’ve never seen the show, you might be scratching your head most of the time.  However, if you’re a fan like me, this is one of the rare reunions that live up to expectations.  (And for the record, I’m loving the new season Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

AKA:  Just Awesome.

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN’T (1966) **

Santa Claus (Alberto Rabagliati) is in a real pickle.  Mr. Prune (Rosanno Brazzi, who also directed), an unscrupulous millionaire, just bought his property up at the North Pole and is going to evict him on Christmas Eve if he can’t pay his rent.  Santa hires a lawyer named Sam Whipple (Paul Tripp) and together they try to find a way to save his workshop from foreclosure. 

You can probably already guess it involves teaching Mr. Prune the true meaning of Christmas. 

The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t is an Italian Christmas movie that at least has one clever modern conceit:  Even Santa Claus’ hands are tied when it comes to the courts.  The idea of Santa hiring a lawyer to help him retain the North Pole is a good one, but the actual execution leaves something to be desired.

I guess the problem is that Brazzi, who’s more known for his acting than directing (he only directed two more movies after this), just can’t make it all work.  The various musical numbers are flatly handled and a lot of the humor is way too broad and not very funny.  Brazzi himself mugs endlessly as the villainous Mr. Prune and doesn’t get any laughs in the process.

Still, as far as cheesy ‘60s Christmas movies go, you can do a heck of a lot worse.

TABOO 2 (1982) *** ½

 

After a quick recap of the events of the first movie, we find Kay Parker devastated to learn that her son, with whom she had an incestuous affair, is unable to continue the relationship.  He moves back with his father, leaving Kay all alone.  She winds up having a fling with one of her son’s classmates, played by Kevin James, and tells him all about how she seduced her son.  Since Kevin has a thing for his sister (Dorthy LeMay), it gives him the idea to make his feelings known to her.  Eventually, everyone in their household is screwing each other.

Taboo 2 is even better than its predecessor.  It’s filled with wall-to-wall sex, much more than what was found in the original.  Some of the scenes use your basic porno set-ups (like when James “returns some tools” to Parker), but there is much more of a concentration on the repercussions of incest in this one, which makes it more dramatically sound.  Not that drama is something that’s mandatory in a porno, but this is the rare XXX flick in which the plot dictates the sex and not the other way around.

LeMay is quite good in this.  Not only is she extremely sexy (she has a particularly hot scene with Eric Edwards, who plays her father), she gives a solid performance too.  I also dug the scene where she wears a T-shirt that has the word “CRACKS” on it for no apparent reason.  Kay Parker has a reduced role here, which may upset some fans of the original, but LeMay and James are so good that it more than makes up for it.  I mean James has so many scenes in this movie that I bet he was sore for a week or so after filming.

 

AKA:  Taboo 2… The Story Continues!

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM 2 (1989) **

A fat old wizard (Mel Welles) joins up with a young boy to defeat three evil sorcerers and restore order to the kingdom.  They find a bartender who used to be a great warrior called “The Dark One” (David Carradine) to help them on their quest.  The Dark One kind of flakes out on our heroes for much of the second act, so they have to get a sexy warrior woman (Lana Clarkson) to lend them a helping hand.  Eventually, The Dark One returns just before the big climax to kick a little ass. 

Like the first film, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 features lots of scenes from other Roger Corman movies.  This time, they steal footage from Warrior and the Sorceress (which also starred Carradine) and Barbarian Queen (which also starred Clarkson).  The swordfights and fight scenes are even sloppier this time around (if you can believe it) and the movie is curiously low on goofy monsters (although there is a decent werewolf vs. pig-man scene).

Director Charles B. Griffith, a veteran of many Corman movies, brings little of the humor he is known for to the film.  Since this is a sequel in name only, you’d think he’d go for broke and do something closer to his sensibilities.  Instead, he delivers a fairly ho-hum sword and sorcery epic.  Whenever he does ape the original, the results are often lackluster (like the young hero’s encounter with a sexy enchantress). 

The cast is fun to watch though.  Carradine looks half asleep (or drunk) most of the time, but even on auto-pilot, he manages to give the best performance in the movie.  Welles also has some fine moments as the portly wizard.  I also enjoyed seeing late Clarkson doing what she did best, although, unfortunately, her character disappears from the proceedings much too soon.  Likewise, the ever-reliable Sid Haig isn’t given a whole lot of screen time as one of the three evil sorcerers.

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM (1985) **

A young wizard goes on the run after his father is killed by a rival sorcerer.  Naturally, he loses the magic ring, the only thing that can stop the villain, almost immediately.  He bumps into a wandering warrior, played by Bo Svenson, who agrees to help him find the ring and avenge his father’s death.

Roger Corman’s Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a bottom of the barrel sword and sorcery epic that is very nearly saved by the parade of inept monsters that populate the film.  We have a Chewbacca-like sidekick that looks like a man with carpet remnants glued all over him, a dwarf in a shoddy ape suit, a sexy sorceress who turns into a giant bug, rubbery looking reptile men, a garden gnome who knows magic, zombie soldiers, monsters that look like hand puppets, a baby pterodactyl, a Cyclops (and its bride), and even a mermaid.  Although the monsters are laughable, they give the movie a charm that many other similar genre efforts lack. 

Too bad all the action and sorcery nonsense are pretty awful, even for the genre’s low standards.  Director Hector Olivera doesn’t bring the same panache he brought to Barbarian Queen.  It’s a shame too, because with a couple of decent swordfights, this might’ve been an alright movie.

The film is also heavily padded with footage from other Corman sword and sorcery sagas like Deathstalker and Sorceress.  They’re supposed to act as flashbacks, but you know you’re in trouble when the flashbacks are much more polished (and entertaining) than the actual movie itself.  Corman, ever the miser, also reuses parts of James Horner’s score from Battle Beyond the Stars, which again sounds better than all the other music in the flick.