HOT ROD GANG (1958) **

After a series of circumstances too contrived to get into now, hot rodder John Ashley must disguise himself as a bearded rock n’ roller.  He then must keep his double life a secret from his family all the while using his newfound anonymity to perform at a fundraiser.  Things threaten to go off the rails once his rival frames him for a series of hot rod robberies. 

I like John Ashley as much as the next guy, but it’s hard to take him seriously as a rocker (in and out of the beard).  He sings a bunch of numbers in this movie and none of them make much of an impression.  At least Gene Vincent is around to provide a handful of decent songs.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t get nearly as much screen time as Ashley does. 

Hot Rod Gang feels like one of those types of American International films that started life as a cool title and/or poster and then once the company sold the rights to it, they were forced to make a movie around it.  (The whole “gang” subplot takes a backseat to the musical numbers fairly quickly.)  It also doesn’t help that the flick lacks the piss and vinegar that is the hallmark of the best AIP juvenile delinquent/rock musicals.  It's not bad or anything; it's just far too vanilla and lightweight to really stick with you.  It also doesn’t help that the situations Ashley gets himself into aren’t very funny and wouldn’t have even cut it for a lazy sitcom.  

AKA:  Fury Unleashed.

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (2017) *** ½

Luc Besson’s latest eye-popping science fiction bonanza begins on a note rarely touched upon in recent genre offerings:  Hope.  During the opening credits, set to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, we get to see Earth’s early days of space exploration give way to a growing space station that eventually befriends and aligns itself with other distant planets.  It’s a simple yet effective scene that shows us a vision of the future that is positive and even a bit moving. 

After that sequence, the film settles into a more familiar, bombastic blockbuster type of rhythm.  We then follow the roughish space cop Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and his sexy partner Laureline (Cara Delevingne) as they try to protect an alien critter whose very existence is proof of an elaborate military cover-up.  From then on, the movie becomes a series of elaborate, sometimes mind-boggling set pieces, but if it wasn’t for the thoughtful opening scene, the fate of the whole universe wouldn’t nearly be as meaningful.

DeHaan gives a cool performance as he has a Keanu Reeves type of swagger.  With his surfer dude accent and perfect hair, he’s a bit of a pretty boy, but he’s always a bit more capable than you'd expect.  He has a lot of chemistry with Delevingne, who is nothing short of a stone-cold fox in this.  She’s also a game trooper and badass action heroine to boot.  

It’s Besson’s dazzling visuals that are the real star though.  There’s a sequence that takes place in a virtual marketplace that is dizzying since it takes place in multiple planes of reality, often at the same time.  Think a virtual reality version of Amazon.com on Tatooine with a bit of Blade Runner thrown in for good measure.   

While some sequences are blissfully joyous, others are a bit plodding.  It’s definitely a step down from The Fifth Element (it’s more like The Fourth Element), but if you can’t love a movie that requires its heroine to stick her head up an alien jellyfish's ass to project her ESP, there’s probably no hope for you.  I know it’s not perfect or anything, but it’s hard for me to hate any film that features Ethan Hawke as a space pimp, Rihanna as a shapeshifting stripper, and Herbie Hancock as the Minister of Space Defense. 

THE GREASY STRANGLER (2016) ** ½

Imagine if John Waters directed Napoleon Dynamite as a Troma movie and that might give you a hint at what to expect from The Greasy Strangler.  Produced by Ben (High-Rise) Wheatley and Elijah Wood (among others), it is a terminally weird, occasionally hilarious melding of low budget horror movie and quirky indie comedy.  Usually, I don’t go for these ready-made cult items, but I found myself laughing more often than not. 

Big Ronnie (Michael St. Michael) and Big Brayden (Sky Elobar) are a father and son team who take people on sightseeing tours of dilapidated discos.  Unbeknownst to Big Brayden, Big Ronnie goes out at night and strangles people while covered head to toe in grease.  When Big Brayden gets a girlfriend (Elizabeth De Razzo), Big Ronnie threatens to steal her away.  Fueled by jealousy, he then sets out to expose his father as the greasy strangler. 

I’ll be the first one to admit that a little of this movie goes a long way.  It might’ve worked better as a short or even as a fake trailer.  However, there are long stretches that are quite funny.  Some of the humor is uneven and a lot of the jokes are repetitive, but they hit, it usually results in some big laughs. 

The film is helped immensely by the outrageous performances from the two leads.  They are both quite fearless and aren’t afraid to look or act embarrassingly silly.  De Razzo is equally fine as the object of their affections and gets a lot of surprising nude scenes.   

Unfortunately, the movie kind of goes off the rails in the third act.  The increasing weirdness is inspired, but it never finds that nice balance of surrealism and vulgarity that the first act had.  Still, it’s an interesting curio.  It might be worth a re-watch down the road, although it might be more fun to watch other viewers’ reactions to the film than the film itself.

A TALKING CAT!?! (2013) *

I have a condition where I have to see every Eric Roberts movie ever made.  When I found out he did the voice for a cat in this cheap kids’ flick for David (Creepozoids) DeCoteau, I knew I had to see it.  I had low hopes going in, but A Talking Cat!?! managed to shatter all expectations.  This is one bad mother, even for the already low standards of the Roberts filmography. 

I’m starting to suspect that my condition may be terminal. 

The “plot” has a talking cat trying to bring two single-parent families together.  When I say “talking” cat, I mean that most of the time, it’s nothing more than Roberts giving a disinterested voiceover.  On the rare occasion that the cat’s lips actually move, the effects are pitifully inept. 

DeCoteau and company also apparently didn’t spring for a professionally trained cat.  There are lots of scenes where you can plainly see the beam of a laser pointer and/or bits of food set aside in order to keep the cat interested long enough to stay in front of the camera.  It’s pathetic. 

Even fans of So Bad They’re Good movies may have a hard time getting through this one without the benefit of alcohol consumption.  If you take a shot every time you see the laser beam or some stray kibble, you should be okay.  However, if you want to take your drinking game to the next level, take a shot every time someone says, “cheese puffs”.  On second thought, you better not.  I don’t want to be held responsible for any alcohol poisoning, blindness, or death that results from playing such games.

Speaking of getting hammered, it’s rumored that Eric Roberts recorded his voiceover in “15 minutes” in his living room.  He sounds half in the bag too.  It’s almost as if you can hear the ice in his glass clinking as he mumbles and slurs his dialogue.  The dialogue is poorly recorded too.  At all times, it sounds like Roberts is on speaker phone (which, when you take the shoddy production values into consideration is probably accurate).

If there is one shining spot in this box of cinematic cat litter, it’s the presence of Kristine (Cinderella XXX) DeBell as the single mom who’s perpetually making cheese puffs.  Of the cast, she’s the only one that seems too good for the material.  That’s not saying much though.   

A Talking Cat!?! is so cheap and mind-numbingly stupid that it might make fans of bad Eric Roberts and/or David DeCoteau movies rethink their personal viewing habits.  Heck, even the film’s intended audience (five-year-olds) are far too sophisticated for the likes of this.  In short, A Talking Cat?!? deserves to be put to sleep.

CELL (2016) ***

Cell acts as a reunion to the Steven King chiller 1408 for stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.  In fact, I’d say that this one is a slightly better film in just about every way.  The opening scene, in which hundreds of people in an airport turn into zombie “Phoners” while talking on their cellphones, is a real grabber.  Even though they are of the 28 Days Later fast-running zombie variety, they have a few unique tricks of their sleeve and the filmmakers make better use of the undead’s hive mentality than World War Z did.   

Admittedly, the film is never quite able to recapture the adrenaline-pumping thrills of that opening scene.  From there on, things get a bit spotty.  Some sections are a bit rushed and a few scenes feel incomplete.  If you’re familiar with the movie’s checkered production history, you’ll probably be able to forgive its sometimes-shoddy appearance and the weak CGI.  Narratively, it’s still not entirely solid (like the inclusion of a menacing red-hooded figure), but Jackson and Cusack are so good together that their chemistry carries the picture whenever it threatens to self-destruct. 

Cell also tackles a question about zombie plagues that only Return of the Living Dead 2 has even dared mention:  The possible existence of zombie celebrities.  The scene where our stars sit around and ask each other, “Do you think Bob Dylan is a Phoner?” is one of the film’s many highlights.

One could say that King’s message is a little too on-the-nose as their cellphone use literally turns people into mindless zombies.  If you think about it though, it’s a message that’s only become more relevant as time goes on.  I mean he wrote the novel in 2006 at a time when most cells were flip-phones and not the gadget-laden app-heavy phones of today. 

A lot of Cell is inconsistent.  In fact, I was initially going to give it ** ½.  However, once the film was over, my phone rang and I had to think twice before picking it up, which is a testament to its overall effectiveness.  You have to respect any movie that has that kind of impact on you.

PERILS OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1982) **

Ti Lung returns for the third and final Sentimental Swordsman movie.  It’s not really a sequel because Lung seems to be playing an entirely different character this time around.  While it has some cool cinematography and goofy moments, it’s definitely a step down from Return of the Sentimental Swordsman.

Ghost Mansion is a mysterious fog-shrouded den of villains and thieves.  It’s Lung’s mission to infiltrate the mansion and take down the bad guys.  Along the way, he gets caught up in an assassination attempt and must do battle with several colorful and bizarre characters.

Perils of the Sentimental Swordsman contains much more violence than the first two entries in the series.  The deaths are gorier too (a guy stabs someone with a handful of chopsticks) and some parts look like they came out of a horror movie.  That doesn’t necessarily make it better though.  

The fights are a lot more stylized this time around, but many of the fighters’ gimmicks are just plain silly (like the killer bell).  There’s also a gay fighter called “Kissing Cousin” that’s supposed to be funny.  There are other moments of comic relief (like a “ghost” moving a piece of chicken around), but they aren’t very funny either. 

The good news is that Perils features characters with cool names.  This was an area in which Return was sorely lacking.  There were a lot of good names to choose from in this one, but I think my favorite was “White-Haired Devil”.

RETURN OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1981) ** ½

Return of the Sentimental Swordsman has a cool gimmick that makes it fresher and livelier than its predecessor.  Every fighter in the film is judged by a harsh ranking system and they are all well aware of their standing.  This gives them a drive to challenge and defeat any fighter they come across who happens to have a higher rank.

Ti Lung once again stars as The Sentimental Swordsman.  He is ranked third in the world for his abilities.  Although he is happily retired, that doesn’t stop every swordsman with a lower rank (not to mention a chip on their shoulder) from challenging him.  When he learns that the devious Money Clan are terrorizing the countryside, he teams up with an old buddy to stop them. 

The Sentimental Swordsman was overlong and dull and had a hard-to-follow convoluted plot.  This one threatens to follow in its footsteps early on.  Luckily, it settles down soon after and becomes a more straightforward adventure tale.  It’s not great or anything, but it’s a lot more entertaining than the first one.  It also helps that there’s a lot more fights this time around.  While the choreography is sound, the endless series of duels inevitably get a bit repetitive after a while.  

The film is seriously lacking in the cool character names department.  A name like “Silver Spear” is just too generic-sounding next to someone like “Mr. Iron Flute” from the first movie.  Fu Sheng shows up playing a guy named “Right Arm”.  Although he has a lame name, he does have a decent gimmick:  He tattoos the names of all the men he’s killed on his right arm.  Sheng also gets the best line of the movie when he tells a drunk:  “You can’t drown your sorrows; they stay afloat!”

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (2017) *** ½

War for the Planet of the Apes suffers from a misleading title as there’s not a whole lot of war to go around.  Actually, the big battle was already fought in the last installment, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.  Even though there’s not much war to be found, it’s still a lot of fun. 

Echoes of the war movie genre permeate the film, most notably, Apocalypse Now.  (There’s even a graffiti tag that reads “APE-pocalype Now” in case you didn’t get the hint.)  The villain, played by Woody Harrelson, is also a bald Colonel, just like Marlon Brando in that film.  He even gets a lot of long, weird monologues like Brando did.  

Basically though, the film is really more in line with The Great Escape.  (The Great Esc-APE?  The Great APE-scape?)  You see, the Ape leader Caesar (once again wonderfully portrayed by Andy Serkis) winds up being captured along with his Ape brethren by the Colonel, who forces them into slave labor.  Eventually, Caesar and his loyal band of Ape renegades plan a big bust-out.

Another unexpected motif:  The western.  The early scenes in which Caesar saddles up and goes out looking for the men who killed his family has a distinct John Ford vibe to it.  Think The Searchers, but with Apes.

Serkis is great and all, but it is Steve Zahn who steals the movie as “Bad Ape”.  The film might have been a depressing slog if it wasn’t for his character.  He brings much needed levity and warmth to the movie and he really makes you care about his character.  If Serkis is the soul of the movie, Zahn is the heart.

The second act lacks the punch of the early going.  That’s because these scenes are mostly a rehash of Rise of the Planet of the Apes as Caesar leads another uprising of Apes.  However, the finale packs a wallop.  If this is indeed the end of the road for the new Apes series, it ends on a fitting note, but there is still PLENTY of room to explore.

Overall, this is the second-best Apes as a Metaphor for Vietnam movie of 2017, trailing closely behind Kong:  Skull Island.

THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1977) **

Ti Lung is looking for the devious Plum Blossom Bandit.  When he is accused of being the bandit himself, Ti sets out to clear his name.  While he’s at it, he also tries to win back the hand of his former flame.

Much more stuff happens throughout the film’s overlong running time, but I’m just hitting the highlights here.  A lot gets thrown at you during the course of the movie.  I have to admit that it was kind of hard to keep up with the growing cast of characters, not to mention their various machinations, checkered histories, and ulterior motives. 

Although a lot goes on in The Sentimental Swordsman, nothing much ever really HAPPENS.  Ultimately, all we are left with is a bunch of long-winded conversations that are occasionally punctuated by a few swordfights here and there.  I guess you could say that about any Kung Fu movie, but director Chor (Killer Clans) Yuen does little to make the fight sequences pop.

I will say that a lot of the characters have funny and/or amusing names.  Some of my favorites include Mr. Iron Flute, Five Poisons Kid, and Gold Threaded Vest.  The screenwriters obviously had a lot of fun coming up with silly names for their characters.  If only they put as much thought into the characters’ actions.

AKA:  Sword of Emotion.

GREEN ROOM (2016) ****

A punk rock band strapped for cash agrees to play in front of a group of Neo-Nazis.  To show that they don’t cotton to their audience’s ideals, they do a cover of The Dead Kennedys' “Nazi Punks Fuck Off”.  Lots of bottles are thrown and obscenities are shouted, but miraculously the audience doesn't harm the band.  However, once a band member witnesses a Nazi punk murder someone backstage, all bets are off.  The Nazi punks hold the band in the green room against their will and eventually they realize the punks are planning a way to dispose of the band permanently.

From then on, things turn into a siege movie.  As far as the subgenre goes, Green Room has moments that rank right up there with the great siege flicks of all time like Assault on Precinct 13 and Night of the Living Dead.  This isn’t exactly a horror film, but it did contain at least one moment that made my stomach turn.  As a lifelong horror buff, I can’t even remember the last time a movie had that effect on me.

I won’t ruin the best moments for you.  Just know that once the film takes off, it never looks back.  This is one harrowing and suspenseful movie.  They way director Jeremy Saulnier puts the audience through the wringer is worthy of both Hitchcock and Carpenter.

I haven’t even mentioned the cast yet.  Anton Yelchin, in one of his final roles is excellent as the guitarist who must overcome impossible odds to stay alive.  His Fright Night co-star Imogen Poots also delivers a fine performance as the Nazis’ next intended target.  I must admit that it was awesome seeing Patrick Stewart essaying the role of the cold and calculating Nazi leader.  His ruthless demeanor and strategic cunning is part of what makes the heroes’ plight so intense.  His character is a guy you’ll love to hate.

Also, Star Trek fans get an added bonus of seeing Chekov matching wits with Captain Picard, so it has that going for it.

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (2017) ****

As a lifelong Spider-Man nerd, it warms my heart to say that Spider-Man:  Homecoming pretty much gives you everything you would hope to see in a Spider-Man film.  In fact, it gave me the one scene I've always wanted to see in a Spider-Man movie.  I always liked the fact that Spider-Man had to change into his outfit in alleys or behind dumpsters, but I don’t think we’ve ever seen him having to stash his clothes and then go back for them later.  Even as a kid I always wondered what happened if someone stole his clothes?  Director Jon Watts gave me the answer and it put a big stupid grin on my face.  (ANSWER:  Spider-Man loses a LOT of clothes that way.)   

Homecoming hits a lot of the same notes the previous big-screen versions have hit, but I loved the ways Watts and his screenwriters chose to focus their attention.  When we meet Peter Parker (Tom Holland), he’s still relatively inexperienced at being Spider-Man.  He’s also struggling to balance, school, family, and his superhero antics, all the while trying to impress Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) so he can earn a spot on the Avengers.  It’s that drive to better himself that really spoke to me.  I mean, there’s no reason to push yourself, dude.  You’re Spider-Man!  The thing is, he’s striving to better himself all the while not realizing that he’s already there.  However, it’s his need for approval from Tony that I found to be moving

The Vulture is also a worthy adversary.  As portrayed by Michael Keaton, The Vulture is kind of like a blue-collar version of Tony Stark, who is pillaging the alien tech leftover from the Avengers’ battle and selling them on the black market.  Plus, when Spider-Man goes toe to toe with The Vulture, it’s basically like watching Spider-Man fight Batman, and it doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Speaking of cool shit, how awesome is it to see Spider-Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?  I’m not going to spoil some of the best cameos in the film, but just seeing Peter Parker interacting with all the other Marvel characters is truly a joy to behold.  Of course, we already know Downey is going to be great as Tony Stark, but he shows a much more paternal side to his character here, which is a nice maturation.  Not only is he Spidey’s makeshift father figure, he also acts as his conscience.  It’s also great to see Jon Favreau getting the most screen time of any Iron Man movie as Happy Hogan, who Stark has relegated to being Peter’s contact man.

Holland continues to impress as Spider-Man.  He was a blast to watch in Civil War and he shows that he is ready for the big time here.  He handles the quips particularly well.  I especially loved the scene where he hides out in the shadows and practices his banter before he says it to the bad guys.  He also has a terrific rapport with Jacob Batalon who plays his best friend.

If there is a flaw, it's that the final fight between Spidey and The Vulture is a bit lackluster.  Honestly, I was happier just seeing Spider-Man stopping presumed car thieves and giving directions, but hey, that’s just me.  The use of The Ramones during this montage was an especially inspired touch.  I sincerely hope that we will get to hear their rendition of the Spider-Man theme in the next movie.

In fact, the scene of Holland and Keaton matching wits in the car while out of costume is much more intense than the scenes of them battling above the streets.  The tension between hero and villain is just as good as the scenes between Tobey Maguire and Willem Dafoe in the first Spider-Man.  In the end, I think I’m still a bit partial to Sam Raimi’s original trilogy, but Spider-Man:  Homecoming is still a rather incredible (make that amazing) achievement and is one of the best films of the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard:

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½

2017 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

The LEGO Batman Movie:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Logan:  ****

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Ghost in the Shell:  *** ½ 

A BIGGER SPLASH (2016) ** ½

If you’re a fan of Ralph Fiennes then A Bigger Splash will give you plenty to enjoy.  His exuberant performance dominates this uneven and overlong tale of an outrageous music producer (Fiennes) inviting himself to stay for the weekend with a former flame (Tilda Swinton) and her meek hubby (Matthias Schoenarts).  When Ralph is front and center getting high, dancing around, and ranting and raving about The Rolling Stones, the movie has an undeniable charm and bite.  When he is absent from the screen, the rest of the cast fail to generate much sizzle on their own.  (Having Swinton play a character who can only speak in whispers was a huge miscalculation.) 

The film also suffers from a weird and awkward structure.  For three-fourths of its running time, it plays like a slacker Hang Out Movie.  Think a Richard Linklater version of a Cameron Crowe flick as told by Merchant Ivory.  Then, things go off the deep end when the picture inexplicably turns into a Patricia Highsmith style thriller. 

Still, even when the flick flounders and Fiennes is nowhere to be found, his character still lingers on the minds of the other characters (and the audience).  I mean the scene where he dances wildly to Emotional Rescue alone is worth the price of admission.  He also shows his dick so much that his member probably deserved its own billing.

THE SKYDIVERS (1963) *

The Skydivers would’ve been just another forgettable, dull relationship drama if it wasn’t directed by Coleman (The Beast of Yucca Flats) Francis.  It’s full of his weird little fetishes and ticks and often feels like a really bad art film desperately failing at being arty.  I’m not saying it’s good.  In fact, it’s pretty terrible.  What I am saying is that it’s probably his most coherent work, which I realize isn’t saying much.

Tony Cardoza and his wife (Kevin Casey) own their own recreational skydiving business.  He’s secretly been seeing a cheap floozy (Marcia Knight) behind her back and when he finally breaks it off with her, she vows to get even.  She eventually gets her new boyfriend (Titus Moede) to put acid in one of their parachutes in hopes of killing them.

Hitchcock had the “Ticking Bomb” theory of creating suspense.  He said suspense is created by showing a ticking bomb under a table and then cutting to two people talking at the table unaware the bomb is about to go off.  Coleman Francis’ version of this theory is the “Acid Parachute”.  I guess I don’t have to tell you who is more successful at creating suspense.

However, Francis does give us a LOT of scenes of two people sitting at a table and talking.  They don’t have to deal with a ticking bomb though.  Instead, they mostly drink coffee.  In fact, the long, odd scenes of people drinking coffee are the most endearing thing about the movie.

The skydiving sequences are OK for its time.  The scenes of the skydivers’ cheeks flapping in the wind provide a lot of unintended chuckles.  When the movie is on the ground though, it’s pretty dreadful. 

AKA:  Fiend from Half Moon Bay.  AKA:  Panic at Half Moon Bay.

SUNSHINE (2007) *

Danny Boyle’s Sunshine is like Solaris and Alien minus the cinematic flair of Solaris or the alien of Alien.  It does have the glacial pacing of Solaris, though.  Unfortunately that’s all it’s got.

The sun is dying.  The spaceship, Icarus I went up to restart the sun and failed.  So the crew of Icarus II follows in their footsteps to complete the job.

They also waste a good cast in the process.  Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, and Cliff Curtis are given virtually nothing worthwhile to do.  Of the cast, Evans comes off as the most likeable (I liked the scene where he is forced to apologize to Murphy), but everyone else pretty much blends in with the futuristic wallpaper.

Sunshine has a slow burn type of build-up.  As their flight goes on, the crew deals with one mishap or another.  Fire, lack of oxygen, and a crew member going mental are all perils they wind up facing.  None of them are particularly involving or scary.

Boyle’s pacing is painful.  Even though the fate of the Earth is on the line, it all seems rather dull and boring.  There’s no real drive here and the whole thing just feels inert and uninteresting. 

At times Sunshine feels like a Syfy Movie with better actors.  Boyle handles what action there is in such an indifferent manner that it’s hard to be engaged.  The characters are so flatly written that it’s hard to care about them or their many perils. 

Things get odd in the last act when the movie ditches the whole slow, thoughtful approach for a straight-up horror film angle.  It’s here where a crazed, naked crew member goes nuts and starts slashing people up.  This idea might’ve worked if it was played out throughout the flick.  Having it tacked on in the last half hour just makes it feel like it came out of an entirely different picture.  The blurry, quick-cutting editing of the killer’s actions is also quite headache-inducing.

Basically, two hours of darkness would’ve been preferable to 107 minutes of Sunshine.

WORLD GONE WILD (1988) ***

World Gone Wild is basically Seven Samurai, Mad Max style.  Bruce Dern lives in a post-apocalyptic hippie wasteland community that has the only known water source.  Adam Ant is the psycho cult leader who quotes Manson and commands an army of poncho-wearing machine-gun-toting brainwashed minions.  He raids the camp and says he’ll come back in a week to finish the job.  Dern then goes and gets Michael Pare (with Wolverine sideburns) and an assortment of warriors to defend the town in exchange for as much water as they can drink.

This had the potential to be awful, but the great cast anchors the film and makes you care about their characters.  Catherine Mary Stewart does a fine job as the post-apocalyptic teacher who teaches school out of an old school bus.  (Only four books survived the apocalypse.)  Julius J. Carry III (as a magician who uses smoke bombs) and Rick Podell (as a gunslinger not unlike Robert Vaughn’s character in The Magnificent Seven) also make memorable impressions given their brief screen time.  Speaking of The Magnificent Seven, Dern and Pare are awesome.  They act very much like post-nuke versions of Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen and they have a lot of chemistry together.

It’s not perfect though.  Some of the movie looks unfinished.  There are long scenes of cars driving while poorly-dubbed, exposition-heavy dialogue drones over the soundtrack.  Some of it looks cheap too, especially the scenes inside the desolate city. 

What World Gone Wild lacks in polish, it makes up for in charm.  The action is competently handled by TV vet Lee H. Katzin.  The battle scenes are pretty cool and there are enough novel death scenes (like the death by exploding moonshine still) to keep you thoroughly entertained.  I mean how can you not love a movie in which Dern sharpens a hubcap and uses it as a deadly Frisbee? 

The post-apocalypse movies of the ‘80s were basically the westerns of their day.  Part of the fun is seeing the way the filmmakers update the timeless western clichés of yesteryear and relocate them in a futuristic setting.  (Instead of cowboys circling the wagons on the plain, our heroes circle the cars in a junkyard.)  It’s no Seven Samurai, or The Magnificent Seven, or heck Battle Beyond the Stars even, but World Gone Wild should fit the bill for any fan of the post-nuke genre.

Dern, naturally gets all the best lines like, “Does Pinocchio have a wooden dick?”

THE BRAVEST FIST (1974) **

Two convicts escape prison while shackled together.  When the one good-natured convict won’t go along with his cellmate’s criminal schemes, they get into a big Kung Fu battle.  He then strangles the goody-two-shoes and takes off.

This scene is easily the best part of the movie.  From then on, the film switches focus to a humble, but badass dock worker trying to help an owner of a rice house from getting pushed around by bad guys.  This stuff is fairly standard in just about every way and is indistinguishable for dozens of other Kung Fu flicks I’ve seen in the past year.  The rest of the picture was bad enough for me to wish that the whole thing had been about the two convicts.  I mean imagine how great a Kung Fu remake of The Defiant Ones would’ve been.  Sigh.  

Sure, there’s plenty of Kung Fu action and chopsocky carnage, but although there are a lot of fights, nothing much ever really happens.  Also, the choreography is less than stellar and the editing is often herky-jerky.  I watch a lot of these things and even though it was action-packed, it still left me cold.  I honestly had trouble remembering much about it shortly after I watched it.

Outside the opening fight scene, the film really doesn’t feature anything you haven’t already seen before.  Even though it’s only 73 minutes, it feels much longer than that.  Your mileage may vary of course, but for me, the rest of the movie just couldn't live up to the promise of that opening scene.

UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS (2017) * ½

I have never been a fan of the Underworld franchise.  The fourth installment, Awakening was the only one I genuinely liked, and even then, it was pretty much for all the wrong reasons.  Just because I dug it, doesn’t mean I remembered what happened in it.  Luckily, there’s a quick wrap-up of the previous installments right in the beginning to get the audience up to speed before the movie starts.

Werewolves are winning the centuries-long war between werewolves and vampires.  Desperate, the vampires offer the outcast “Death Dealer” Selene (Kate Beckinsale) a truce so that she may train the next generation of werewolf killers.  Naturally, she is betrayed and it isn’t long before both sides come looking for her long-lost daughter, whose blood might end the war once and for all.

The plot is full of double-crosses and triple-crosses between the two royal monster houses.  It all plays like a moronic version of Shakespeare with fangs.  It’s also sorely lacking the earnest silliness that made Awakening so enjoyable.

There is one nice touch early on when Beckinsale is being hunted by the werewolves.  They try to capture her by shooting multiple grappling hooks into her.  After she kills them all, she walks away nonchalantly, not even noticing that the hooks are still inside her and she’s dragging the grappling guns behind her.  It’s all downhill from there.

The action sequences are largely unexciting and quickly get repetitive and monotonous.  The stuff with the boring werewolf villain in particular is lame.  They establish that bullets have no effect on him, so what do the vampires continue to do?  Shoot clip after clip into him!  It would be called overkill, if only they could actually kill him.  It should also be noted that the CGI werewolves (I refuse to call them “Lycans”) are pretty bad.

The best new character is the sexy evil vampire queen.  You can tell they really wanted Eva Green for the role.  Her vampy sultriness would’ve been perfectly suited to play the character.  Laura Pulver is okay, but she can’t pull off the campy scenes that require her to chew the scenery and look sinister at the same time.  Take for instance the scene where she makes her underling go down on her while she talks about her diabolical plans.  If Green had done this scene it would’ve been amazing.  With Pulver in the role, it just sort of feels awkward.

I can’t honestly say that this is the worst Underworld movie, but if I ever see another Blurry-Flashback-Induced-by-Someone-Tasting-Blood scene, it’ll be too soon.

THE NINJA AVENGER (1982) ** ½

A female Ninja on a quest for revenge bumps off bad guys one by one.  Problems arise when her boyfriend learns she’s a Ninja killer.  Things get even hairier when she finds out her boyfriend’s sister is the woman who killed her parents.

I can’t say this is a great movie, but our heroine displays several unique methods of Ninja training.  Some people say go fly a kite.  This woman actually flies around on one to land in the bad guy’s lair.  Later, she brings along a roll of brick-colored wallpaper to hide behind while she’s sneaking outside of a bad guy’s house.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen that in a Ninja flick before.  In another scene, she uses an exploding remote control airplane to kill someone, which makes me think Andy Sidaris might have seen it and took notes. 

Sure, this is a goofier than usual Kung Fu flick, but not goofy enough to make it a classic.  The action is more from the American school of action than straight-up Kung Fu.  There’s a car chase that rips off Diamonds are Forever, as well as a scene where the Ninja jumps over a car just like Action Jackson.  Still, this is one of the few Kung Fu movies where both the heroine and the villainess are equally sexy, not to mention lethal, so that counts for something.  The soundtrack is all sorts of funky too.

Too bad the climax is so damned weak.  The poorly done finale definitely cost the film a good Half Star.  You also have to suffer through some boring relationship drama that sometimes makes the movie feel like a Kung Fu soap opera.  I do have to admit that some of the relationship drama is pretty funny though.  I especially liked our heroine’s boyfriend’s pick-up line:  “I’m an extrovert, but I’m not a womanizer.”

AKA:  Impossible Woman.  AKA:  Ninja Apocalypse.  

SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY (1999) **

Norman Reedus stars as a slow-witted teen susceptible to outbursts of violence.  When he gets an assignment to beat up a guy for the local Jewish Mob boss, he beats the guy within an inch of his life, which impresses his employer.  His newfound standing in the Jewish Mob eventually causes friction with his thug friend (Adrien Brody) and his domineering mother (Debbie Harry).

Six Ways to Sunday comes from director Adam Bernstein, who is probably best known for directing It’s Pat and the “Love Shack” and “Baby Got Back” videos.  While he does have a modicum of style, it’s evident he’s better off working in a shorter format that doesn’t involve feature length plots.  There are a couple of interesting character moments here and there, but it’s really not enough to sustain an entire movie.

The film came out on the tail end of all those Tarantino-inspired crime comedies.  This one is a little odder than most.  The subplot with Harry and Reedus’ weird incestuous relationship makes it more memorable than a lot of the similar films that came out around that time, but it doesn’t exactly make it better.  While the performances are good (I liked seeing Clark Gregg and Isaac Hayes paired as a couple of “Good Cop/Bad Cop” detectives), they are unable to pull the sloppy narrative together.

Things work in fits and starts, and while some stretches are diverting enough, the whole thing stops short of being completely engaging.  The erratic script and the obvious plot twists don’t do it any favors either.  If you want to watch a really great ‘90s crime comedy about an emotionally aloof hitman, check out Coldblooded, starring Jason Priestley instead.

AKA:  Blood with Milk.

THE MUMMY (2017) *** ½

Critics had their knives out for this one from the get-go, but The Mummy is just about as enjoyable as any of Tom Cruise’s past summer action tentpoles.  It won’t erase memories of Boris Karloff or Christopher Lee or even Arnold Vosloo any time soon, but it’s enormously entertaining and just plain fun.  It’s just different enough (the Mummy is a vengeful princess this time out) and at the same time familiar (the movie borrows elements from everything from An American Werewolf in London to Lifeforce) to make fans of both Tom Cruise and Mummy movies alike happy.

The idea of a Cruise/Mummy mash-up works better than you think.  The typical big budget action sequences are a lot of fun and are enhanced by some creepy atmosphere (especially early on).  The zero-gravity scene in the crashing plane is great and would feel right at home in a Mission:  Impossible movie.  There’s also a badass car chase in which Cruise’s truck is beset by an army of squishy mummy minions.  The various fight scenes in which Cruise dukes it out with various mummified monsters are pretty cool too.

In some ways, The Mummy is a deft deconstruction of your average Tom Cruise vehicle.  While he is still very much the star of the movie, Cruise is almost continually bested, shown up, and one-upped by his female adversary (and love interest), which is a nice touch.  Since The Mummy is in his head for nearly the whole picture, Cruise is incredibly susceptible and vulnerable to her charms, which also acts a neat reversal on the usual Mummy lore. 

The thing I liked best though was the promised Expanded “Dark” Universe that teases the appearance of more interconnected monsters in upcoming movies.  Some have decried this as nothing more than a cheap rip-off of the Marvel Cinematic Universe with Russell Crowe’s Dr. Jekyll acting as sort of a Nick Fury to a new generation of monsters.  I dug it though.  Crowe’s performance is actually one of the best things about the film.  In fact, I’d say he probably needs his own Agents of SHIELD spin-off TV show.  I mean just the stuff that was teased in his elaborate monster warehouse alone is promising enough to sustain at least one season of episodes.

Cruise equips himself well as the roguish thief who passes himself off as a derring-do adventurer.  He isn’t simply just coasting on his talent here as he makes his character quite likeable and charming, even when he’s being a total dick.  He especially does well late in the game when he must pull off the old “tortures of the damned” routine that Lon Chaney used to do so well.

Sofia Boutella does a fine job as the new Mummy.  Like in Star Trek Beyond and Kingsmen:  The Secret Service, she proves to be a formidable fighting talent.  What I wasn’t expecting was the tenderness she brought to the role.  Even when she’s doing terrible things, you can’t help but feel a tinge of sympathy for her, which is the hallmark of all the great Universal monster movies.

If there is a flaw, it’s that director Alex Kurtzman isn’t much of a stylish.  The film really needed someone with more flair to make the action sequences cook.  Kurtzman presents the material capably and competently enough, but he lacks the zest of someone like Christopher McQuarrie (who co-wrote the screenplay). 

There was a big to-do recently when Kurtzman said he didn’t make his film “for the critics”.  Although I think that’s a bit of a cop-out, I can see his point.  This is a big budget summer movie we’re talking about, but one that does have enough ghoulish (PG-13) moments to make it worthy of the Universal name.  Regardless of who Kurtzman made it for, my daughter, whose favorite monster is the Mummy, loved it, and for that, it’s OK by me.

I for one look forward to more interconnected Mummy movies.  I particularly hope that the upcoming Mummy sequels will be interconnected to previous Tom Cruise vehicles.  I can’t wait to see Mummy:  Impossible, The Color of Mummy, or Jerry Maguire 2 where Jerry signs a mummy to play football and shouts, “Show me the mummy!”  Of course, if that all pans out, it will eventually lead to the biggest Tom Cruise monster movie of them all:  Jack Reacher from the Black Lagoon.  

THE ASSIGNMENT (2017) ** ½

Remember when Walter Hill fucked up The Warriors with that terrible director’s cut that was filled with unnecessary comic book panels and crummy looking pop art?  Well, sad to say, he uses that same style with The Assignment.  If I told you the plot, I’d be spoiling the film’s best aspect:  The anything-goes nuttiness that makes it almost worth watching.  (Imagine if Robert Rodriguez had directed The Skin I Live In and that might give you an idea of what to expect.)  However, Hill’s use of lame comic book panels is just way too on-the-nose.  It’s like he doesn’t want us to take it seriously. 

Well, why not?  Why wouldn’t we take it seriously?  Why make a balls-out crazy movie like this if you want it to be merely dispensable entertainment?  Can’t it be a wild, tasteless action flick AND a well-crafted motion picture?  Why purposefully dumb it down like that?  Maybe if Hill concentrated on developing his characters a bit more and less about the schlocky comic book style, it could’ve been a winner.

The film is divided into two distinct parts.  There are the scenes of the quack surgeon (Sigourney Weaver) being interviewed in a nut house by a doctor played by Tony Shalhoub.  The other half of the movie is devoted to a hitwoman (Michelle Rodriguez) on a quest for revenge.  While both sections have their charms, neither is wholly successful.  It never quite meshes in the end, but the performances (especially by Weaver and Shalhoub) keep it grounded even while the whole thing threatens to veer off the tracks at any given moment.

Still, warts and all, it all feels very much like a Walter Hill movie, which is a good thing.  It is very much like a spiritual successor to Johnny Handsome, one of Hill’s more underrated works.  Both feature characters that go under surgical procedures and have to readjust to their new lives, often while mired in violence.  Johnny Handsome is clearly the better film, but the sheer audacity of The Assignment’s plot alone makes it worth a look. 

AKA:  (Re) Assignment.  AKA:  Tomboy.  AKA:  Revenger.