A TALKING CAT!?! (2013) *

I have a condition where I have to see every Eric Roberts movie ever made.  When I found out he did the voice for a cat in this cheap kids’ flick for David (Creepozoids) DeCoteau, I knew I had to see it.  I had low hopes going in, but A Talking Cat!?! managed to shatter all expectations.  This is one bad mother, even for the already low standards of the Roberts filmography. 

I’m starting to suspect that my condition may be terminal. 

The “plot” has a talking cat trying to bring two single-parent families together.  When I say “talking” cat, I mean that most of the time, it’s nothing more than Roberts giving a disinterested voiceover.  On the rare occasion that the cat’s lips actually move, the effects are pitifully inept. 

DeCoteau and company also apparently didn’t spring for a professionally trained cat.  There are lots of scenes where you can plainly see the beam of a laser pointer and/or bits of food set aside in order to keep the cat interested long enough to stay in front of the camera.  It’s pathetic. 

Even fans of So Bad They’re Good movies may have a hard time getting through this one without the benefit of alcohol consumption.  If you take a shot every time you see the laser beam or some stray kibble, you should be okay.  However, if you want to take your drinking game to the next level, take a shot every time someone says, “cheese puffs”.  On second thought, you better not.  I don’t want to be held responsible for any alcohol poisoning, blindness, or death that results from playing such games.

Speaking of getting hammered, it’s rumored that Eric Roberts recorded his voiceover in “15 minutes” in his living room.  He sounds half in the bag too.  It’s almost as if you can hear the ice in his glass clinking as he mumbles and slurs his dialogue.  The dialogue is poorly recorded too.  At all times, it sounds like Roberts is on speaker phone (which, when you take the shoddy production values into consideration is probably accurate).

If there is one shining spot in this box of cinematic cat litter, it’s the presence of Kristine (Cinderella XXX) DeBell as the single mom who’s perpetually making cheese puffs.  Of the cast, she’s the only one that seems too good for the material.  That’s not saying much though.   

A Talking Cat!?! is so cheap and mind-numbingly stupid that it might make fans of bad Eric Roberts and/or David DeCoteau movies rethink their personal viewing habits.  Heck, even the film’s intended audience (five-year-olds) are far too sophisticated for the likes of this.  In short, A Talking Cat?!? deserves to be put to sleep.