GODZILLA VS. KONG (2021) *** ½

It’s finally here.  The clash of the titans.  We’ve waited since 1962 for a rematch between the world’s two biggest movie monsters.  Lucky for us fans of Godzilla and King Kong, it doesn’t disappoint.  It’s not perfect.  In fact, it’s probably the third best of the four “Monsterverse” movies, but still one of the best films ever made that features either monster.

The 1998 Godzilla did not work because there was no subtext.  It was basically, “What if Jurassic Park was… BIGGER?”  In fact, the tagline, “Size Matters” was downright cringeworthy.  As if bigger always meant better.  The original 1954 Godzilla was a metaphor for the nuclear devastation of Japan in WWII.  There were no such metaphors in the 1998 movie.  The 2014 Godzilla however had the tragedy of 9/11 running through its veins and because of that, it hit a lot harder.  Even Kong:  Skull Island had a lot of Vietnam imagery in there to ground it in some sort of historical/cultural relevance. 

Even though it was made pre-COVID, much of Godzilla vs. Kong feels like a metaphor for the times we are living in now.  When we first see Kong, he is in isolation on a fake version of Skull Island, quarantined from the rest of the world.  It seems like a sweet deal at first because he can sleep in, let his beard grow out, shower when he wants, and just sort of hang out.  It’s only when Kong ventures out into the world does he realize, it ain’t safe out there. 

Despite the fact that Godzilla has top billing, Godzilla vs. Kong is more of a Kong movie.  The main focus is on the humans getting Kong to safety while Godzilla occasionally pops up to temporarily spoil their plans.  Eventually, the two square off in Hong Kong where the human villains… well… I won’t spoil it, but I’m sure you can probably guess what goes down. 

The film is as much of a throwback to the adventure novels of Jules Verne as it is a love letter to giant monster mashes.  The whole “Hollow Earth” subplot feels like a modern-day version of those old ‘70s flicks like At the Earth’s Core.  That old timey touch is sometimes at odds with some of the updated characters (an annoying conspiracy theorist podcaster is a major player), but it’s nothing that derails the movie.

Maybe the reason why the Godzilla plotline feels skimpy is because the Kong storyline is a lot more engaging.  The scenes with the little deaf girl (Kaylee Hottle), who can communicate with Kong work really well.  The stuff with Millie Bobby Brown and Brian Tyree Henry is a lot less fun.  Brown is kind of wasted here, which is a shame since she was one of the best parts of Godzilla:  King of the Monsters.  The human drama is always secondary in these things, and the film sometimes struggles with juggling the characters from the two franchises, but it’s hardly an issue when the monster mashing is top notch. 

The first battle occurs in the middle of the ocean.  It’s nothing too spectacular, but the scene where Kong socks Godzilla on the jaw will definitely have you cheering.  The rematch in Hong Kong is a thing of beauty though.  It’s one of the best monster mashes in recent memory.  There’s even a moment during the final brawl that manages to be a homage to Lethal Weapon 2, if you can believe it.  I never thought I’d see that in a kaiju movie, but that’s just another reason why this one is so much fun.

BLOODFIST 6: GROUND ZERO (1995) ** ½

In case you’re curious, I watched Bloodfists 3-5 back in the day when I had my old LiveJournal account.  If you’re wondering what I thought about them, here’s a link to the reviews so everybody can get caught up to speed before we get into Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero:

Bloodfist 3:  Forced to Fight:  BLOODFIST 3: FORCED TO FIGHT (1992) *** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 4:  Die Trying:  BLOODFIST 4: DIE TRYING (1992) ** - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Bloodfist 5:  Moving Target:  LEGENDS OF THE SILVER SCREEN: DON “THE DRAGON” WILSON - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

Okay, so let’s dive into this one:

Don “The Dragon” Wilson (WKA Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion) returns yet again for a totally unrelated Bloodfist sequel.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  Part 3 was a prison movie.  4 and 5 were kind of standard action flicks.  This one is squarely in the Die Hard in a…. realm. 

It starts off with none other than former Los Angeles Dodger Steve Garvey getting lucky with Angelfist’s Cat Sassoon (who was also in Bloodfist 4 playing a different character).  Even though Cat appears topless, we never actually see Garvey reach second base, but knowing his prowess at playing the field, it’s safe to say he scored, if you know what I mean.  Later, terrorists use bunny rabbits (!?!) as a diversion to sneak into a secret military base where they kill just about everyone and take Garvey hostage.  Just then, Don “The Dragon” Wilson shows up as a courier, who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Naturally, he winds up being the only man who can stop the terrorists from launching an all-out nuclear assault. 

Your enjoyment of Bloodfist 6:  Ground Zero may depend on how forgiving you are of the Die Hard in a… subgenre.  I mean it’s no Passenger 57 or anything, but it gets the job done.  Although it’s a little low on action, and the third act is kind of dull, the familiar and dependable structure of the genre is durable enough to sustain it over the lulls. 

In addition to including many of the major cliches found in the Die Hard in a… genre, director Rick Jacobson (who directed a slew of Wilson’s movies including Ring of Fire, Night Hunter, and Bloodfist 8:  Hard Way Out) peppers the film with a few weird touches that helps propel it along.  The participation of Steve Garvey alone lets you know this is going to be a little different than the usual fare.  No one in their right mind would call this a classic or anything, but since this is your only chance to see Steve Garvey share a love scene with Cat Sassoon (in her last role), I’d say it’s worth watching at least once. 

The shit involving the rabbits is odd too.  I especially liked the scene where Wilson nurses a wounded bunny back to health.  You don’t get shit like this in A Good Day to Die Hard, that’s for sure.

There’s also a night vision scene that seems to be a gender-swapped riff on the climax of Silence of the Lambs.  While that may seem a bit derivative, the villain’s use of an elaborate mask predates the similar disguises used in the first Mission:  Impossible movie by at least a year.  While Jacobson may have stolen moments from John McTiernan and Jonathan Demme, he beat Brian De Palma to the punch on that one, so there’s something to be said for that. 

AKA:  Ground Zero:  Bloodfist 6.  AKA:  Zero Control.  AKA:  Devil’s Ultimate Weapon.  AKA:  Terrorist Weapon.  AKA:  Assault on Ground Zero.

BLOODFIST 2 (1990) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson (World Kickboxing Association Light Heavyweight World Champion) returns as kickboxing champion Jake Raye in the only Bloodfist sequel that’s marginally related to the first movie.  This time out, instead of going to Manila to avenge his brother’s death, he goes to Manila to help out his former trainer, who is in deep to some unsavory underworld types. 

While Wilson plays the same character that he did in the first movie, the screenwriters seem to have forgotten a lot of his backstory.  In the original, he gave up professional kickboxing because he donated a kidney to his brother (Ned Hourani).  The opening scene of this one finds him in the ring defending his belt.  (I guess it’s kind of like the Rocky 3 thing where they completely ignored the fact that Rocky nearly went blind in the previous installment.)  This time out, he gives up kickboxing when he accidentally kills his opponent (who wears a hilarious pair of trunks that say “Kick Boxing” across the crotch) during the bout.  The weird thing about this scene:  Ned Hourani plays the guy he kills in the ring!  I don’t know if they were trying to make this sort of like a psychological thing where Wilson projects the image of his dead brother onto the guy he accidentally murdered or if the filmmakers just plain forgot Hourani played his brother in the last flick, but it’s pretty funny. 

After quitting the sport for good, Jake spends most of his time banging hookers, which seems like a pretty sweet deal until his trainer calls and beckons him to Manila.  Once there, bad guys that look like rejects from a Death Wish movie crawl out of the woodwork to kill him.  Seriously, the first act of the movie is nearly non-stop action. 

Once the greasy, sweaty, obnoxious German henchman (Robert Marius) shows up, the movie sort of takes its foot off the accelerator.  It’s here where Jake gets shanghaied by some goons and taken to an island to participate in a to-the-death fighting tournament ran by a villain (played by Joe Mari Avellana, the villain from the first movie) who enhances his fighters using experimental steroids.  It’s not as crazy as it sounds, but at least the steroids angle allows Wilson the opportunity to deliver the film’s best line when he tells his opponent, “When you fight on drugs, you don’t win anything!”

Overall, Bloodfist 2 is slightly better than the first one.  It’s fun for the first half-hour or so.  Once the action switches over to the island, it kind of loses some steam.  The fight scenes are better than the original, but they’re still nothing to write home about.  There are plenty of them, so there’s that.  However, they do get a tad repetitive (with the notable exception of the fight where the one guy sits on the mat mediating the whole time, which flummoxes his roid rage opponent). 

I know in my Bloodfist review I made a big deal about calling Don “The Dragon” Wilson by his kickboxing title that appeared alongside his name in the opening credits.  What I liked about Bloodfist 2 is that the villain shows Don the same respect.  When the baddie meets his character in this one, he says, “Jake Raye… World Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion!”  Folks, this movie may not be great, but this moment made me pump my (blood)fist in the air and say, “YES!” 

BLOODFIST (1989) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars in the first of nine Bloodfist movies.  Most of the sequels were unrelated, retitled Wilson actioners that were just trading in on the Bloodfist name.  At least the first two films have some semblance of continuity.  (Wilson didn’t appear in the final entry, Bloodfist 2050.)  Then again, who needs continuity when you have Don “The Dragon” Wilson kicking people in the face for eighty-six minutes? 

Bloodfist is also important as I believe it’s the first movie that lists the actors’ kickboxing credentials alongside their name in the credits.  Some people see this as the film trying to excuse the bad acting because they are really kickboxers and not actors by trade.  I, on the other hand, feel they’ve earned that title and have every right to display it wherever they go.  I mean, doctors have Ph.D. at the end of their name.  Lawyers have Esq.  If I was Don, I would go around correcting everybody; telling them:  “That’s Don Wilson, World Kickboxing Association Light Heavyweight World Champion to you, buddy.  I didn’t spend eight years kicking people in the face to be called MISTER Don Wilson!”

Don stars as a martial artist who receives word his brother has been killed in Manila.  He flies out there and begins his own investigation after the police close the case.  He eventually uncovers an underground kickboxing circuit and enters himself into the competition in hopes of finding his brother’s murderer.

Since this is an ‘80s kickboxing movie that was shot in the Philippines, you know it’s only a matter of time before the legendary Vic Diaz shows up.  He doesn’t disappoint either, playing yet another variation on the archetypal Yelling Captain character who warns Wilson not to poke his nose where it doesn’t belong.  Sadly, he doesn’t show up again.  Future Tae Bo magnate Billy Blanks is in it slightly longer as one of the competitors in the fighting tournament, although he’s mostly wasted.

Directed by Terence H. (The Nest) Winkless, Bloodfist has a rock-solid premise and occasional flashes of fun.  The big problem is that while the framework around the fight sequences is sturdy enough, the fights themselves leave something to be desired.  There are plenty of them though; it’s just nothing that will get your (blood)fist pumping. 

Don also gets saddled with an annoying sidekick, an aptly named, aggressively annoying man-child called “Baby” (Michael Shaner).  Baby’s sister (Riley Bowman) is the obligatory stripper/love interest.  Her character at least has some quirky moments (like when she teaches Don to incorporate ballet into his workout regimen).  It’s just that the rest of the movie is overstuffed with supporting characters.  It’s kind of hard to keep the momentum going when the hero has to deal with an idiot sidekick, a stripper girlfriend, AND an old, wise karate teacher on top of the revenge plot.  (Not to mention the gratuitous plot twist at the end that tacks another unnecessary ten minutes onto the running time.)  I can’t help but wonder how much smoother it would’ve all played out if they had ditched the Baby character entirely. 

Like all fighting movies, you’ve got to have a training montage in there, and Bloodfist has a pretty good one.  Remember when Rocky ran up that mountain in Rocky IV?  Well, Don runs up an active volcano in this one.  Not bad for this sort of thing.

That kind of sums up the movie.  It’s a bit weirder than many of Wilson’s forgettable actioners, which is appreciated.  However, the action itself is lackluster, and the Baby character is annoying, which kind of knocks it down a few notches, putting it somewhere in the middle rungs of his filmography.

AKA:  Bloodfist Fighter.

ZETA ONE (1969) *

British sex comedies are usually insufferable, especially when they lean heavy into the “comedy” aspects of the genre.  This one is so confusing and stupid that you won’t even have time to laugh at the jokes.  You’ll be too busy trying to figure out what they hell is going on.

A secret agent comes home to find his secretary raring for a midnight rendezvous.  After a few drinks, a game of strip poker, and some (offscreen) lovemaking, he tells her all about his latest mission.  It seems a race of alien women were going around London and abducting strippers.  He probably would’ve gotten to the bottom of things if he wasn’t so damned busy getting it on with a bunch of hot blondes. 

Zeta One looks like it began life as a sci-fi sex comedy.  Somewhere along the line, the producers must’ve demanded they change gears and turn it into a James Bond spoof.  The Bond-ish opening goes on forever and it takes a good twenty minutes before he even mentions the aliens.  These scenes look like they were thrown together in a day or two and the strip poker sequence seemingly plays out in real time.  This portion of the film must’ve been filmed way after the sci-fi stuff because the secret agent is missing his mustache in these scenes.  In fact, when he’s introduced, he removes a false one, as if he was in disguise or something, but all that does is call attention to the conspicuous continuity error later on.  I mean, all he had to so is say he shaved.  There was no need to go into all that fake mustache shit at the very beginning. 

The stuff with the sexy aliens feels incomplete as I’m sure there was a lot of footage that got scrapped to make way for the James Bond subplot.  There’s even a scene where the aliens sit around and watch a monitor playing what looks like footage the editor couldn’t cram elsewhere into the picture.  The aliens themselves aren’t anything special either.  The women all wear Egyptian-inspired make-up, funny wigs, and kooky outfits.  The only memorable part is the training sequence where a bunch of alien women wearing bikini bottoms and pasties perform in a brief Kung Fu tournament, but it’s over before you can really enjoy it.

Zeta One has an acceptable amount of T & A, but even the nudity (which is really quite tame) can’t save the movie.  Since the whole mess has been cobbled together so incoherently, that means just as it feels like it’s about to end, it doesn’t.  Instead, it cuts to another set of characters and it keeps right on going.  This happens about three or four times, and each false ending seems longer than the one that preceded it. 

There might’ve been a kernel of a decent sex spoof here if the seams weren’t so glaringly evident.  However, the crummy craftsmanship and shoddy storytelling ultimately sink it.  Because of that, Zeta One is a big fat zero.

AKA:  The Love Factor.  AKA:  Alien Women.

THE PANTHER WOMEN (1967) ** ½

With his dying breath, the leader of a panther cult curses the bloodline of the man who killed him.  Centuries later, in present-day Mexico, the all-woman panther-worshipping cult returns to kill off the last of his descendants.  It’s then up to the sexy wrestling women Loreta Venus (Ariadne Welter) and her tag-team partner Golden Rubi (Elizabeth Campbell) to put a stop to the evil panther women once and for all. 

The Panther Women is the fourth in a series of five Wrestling Women movies that began with Doctor of Doom and concluded with Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot.  It was directed by the ever-reliable Rene Cardona, who brings a lot of atmosphere to the scenes of the panther cult rituals.  He also gives the three wrestling matches (two of which are ladies’ tag-team bouts) and one dance routine a sense of fun.  The fight scenes that occur outside the ring are well done too.  (The rapid-fire editing during the warehouse brawl is quite effective.) 

I only wish the script had enough confidence in the wrestling women to make them the main heroines.  Instead, they needlessly shoehorn in a El Santo wannabe by the name of El Angel into the plot.  Like everyone’s favorite silver-masked man, he has his own Batcave-inspired secret laboratory.  I’m not saying El Angel isn’t cool.  I especially liked his James Bond-style gadgets (he has a bulletproof and flameproof cape).  It’s just that the wrestling women should’ve been given more of the spotlight. 

The voluptuous Campbell (who was in all but the final installment of the series) in particular seems wasted as she spends much of her screen time standing around listening to exposition or (even worse) having to put up with an annoying comic relief detective.  I mean during the big climax, just as she is about to do something heroic, she FAINTS, and El Angel has to step in and save the day.  Weak.

It would’ve also been nice to see the panther women in their full werewolf-inspired make-up a little more often.  On the plus side, the resurrected cult leader is appropriately grotesque looking.  The terrible dubbing is good for a laugh too, and the dialogue is often hilarious.  (“That cursed sword of the Druids stands in our way again!”)

Overall, The Panther Women isn’t a bad mix of Luche Libre and horror, but the next installment, Wrestling Women vs. the Killer Robot, was a lot more fun.

PARTY GAMES FOR ADULTS ONLY (1984) **

This hour-long tape hosted by comedian John Byner is supposed to give you ideas for games you can play at your next cocktail party.  Really, it's more of a platform for Byner to perform a bunch of unfunny comedy bits, do bad impressions, and tell dirty limericks.  Occasionally, there’s a little T & A, and while it’s enough to earn the “Adults Only” moniker, it’s nothing that will get you hot and bothered.  For me, it was mostly of interest thanks to the participation of Up All Night’s Rhonda Shear (who plays one of the party guests) and Return of the Living Dead’s Linnea Quigley (as one of the models).  However, even their presence can’t save this VHS relic.

There isn’t a whole lot of time devoted to the actual games, which is a little odd.  In fact, more time is spent on the comedic introductions to the games than the games themselves.  Most of these set-ups play like a slightly more risqué segment of The Benny Hill Show… or perhaps filmed versions of the comic strips you’d see in Playboy.  None of them are especially funny and have predictable and/or lame punchlines, which unveil the name of the game being played. 

The games don’t look all that fun either, which is probably why so little time is spent on them.  One involves contestants blowing a ping pong ball across the room.  The other is a race where participants hold balloons in between their legs.  Not exactly “Adults Only” stuff if you ask me.  There are some semi-dirty word games too and a round of naughty charades, although the humor is more of a PG-13 variety.  There is one obligatory nude body painting game and a part where a stripper gives tassel twirling lessons, but who can afford to rent nude models and dancers for their parties?  If you're planning some "Adults Only" fun for your next shindig, you’re better off sticking with strip poker than playing any of the games mentioned here.

PINK FORCE COMMANDO (1982) **

An all-woman gang of thieves are cornered by some Nazi villains in an abandoned farmhouse.  They decide to stash the gold they’ve stolen and split up, vowing to meet up in a year’s time and divvy up their shares then.  Double-crosses, hacked-off limbs, and lots of shootouts and swordplay ensues. 

Pink Force Commando was produced by Joseph Lai, and it is one of the stranger films he ever made.  Even though it was directed by Fantasy Mission Force’s Chu Yen-Ping, it very much feels like a Godfrey Ho flick.  Whereas Ho would take two different movies and splice them together, it feels like Yen-Ping stitched together half a dozen into a patchwork quilt of WTF weirdness. 

Some may enjoy the complete lack of sense and blatant disregard for logic.  Others will marvel at the audacity of having cowgirls, one-armed swordswomen, and superheroes standing side by side and doing battle with Nazis, Klansmen, and bikers while Spaghetti Western music blares out on the soundtrack.  While it is admittedly fun for a little while, the film frequently flies off in so many different directions at once that it never settles into a rhythm.  It at all times feels like a shit-ton of movies thrown into a blender and spat back out incoherently rather than a unique, madcap, and original work of martial arts cinema. 

I can’t fault the cast.  The ladies, especially The Bride with White Hair’s Brigitte Lin (whose character has more lives than a cat) and The Killer’s Sally Yeh dig in their heels and embrace their crazy characters.  I just wish they were working with a script that had at least one foot in some semblance of reality.  I mean I’m just as surprised as you that a movie where Brigitte Lin gets a machine gun for a hand somehow manages to be something of a chore to get through. 

AKA:  Pink Force Commandos.  AKA:  Ninja Fighters.  AKA:  Pink Force.

JAZZ WARM UP TO TRACI LORDS (1990) ** ½

After gaining notoriety as an underage porn star, Traci Lords effectively parlayed her fame into a lengthy career as a well-respected B-movie actress.  Since her rise to stardom occurred around the same time as the home workout tape craze, it was only natural that she would try her hand in the already saturated marketplace.  For many fans, this was one of the only ways they could legally watch Traci in a skimpy outfit doing suggestive maneuvers on the floor. 

As a workout tape, it’s admittedly pretty weak.  Traci herself was ultimately dissatisfied with the results and re-released the tape in a re-edited format a few years later under a different title (Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics).  However, for Traci’s die-hard fans, this will be worth a look as a curio.

Traci, Scream Queen Debra Lamb, and some dude stand around on a living room set doing stretching exercises and calisthenics.  The instructions are mostly in the form of Traci giving motivational “raps”.  (“Touch your toe to your ankle, to yourself you’ll be thankful!”)  Because of that, it’s not very informative.  If you’re watching this to actually… you know… work out, you’ll probably be disappointed.  In fact, you’d be better off just following along to her movements than her instructions.  Then again, she goes through the exercises so fast that I’m sure you’ll still have some difficulty keeping up with her.  (She looks out of breath about fifteen minutes into the routine, so I’m not even sure she was using this regime on a regular basis.)  It’s also annoying when Traci yells, “CHANGE!” to change your position every thirty seconds or so.

If you’re looking for a quality workout tape, this ain’t it.  (It’s no Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, I know that much.)  Since it features Traci in a tiny yellow sports bra and matching bikini bottom cavorting around, undulating wildly, and thrusting her hips on the floor, I’d say it’s still worth watching.  That said, there aren’t as many suggestive workout poses as I was hoping for, but there is enough rhythmic pelvic thrusting and gluteus jiggling here for it to skate by with a ** ½ rating.  

AKA:  Warm Up with Traci Lords.  AKA:  Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics. 

NUDES IN LIMBO (1983) ** ½

Nudes in Limbo is an artistic exploration of the nude form (both women and men are featured).  Director Bruce Seth Green’s aim here isn’t to titillate the audience.  He’s more concerned with seeing human body in motion.  (I can imagine this being show in both art and anatomy classes.)  It’s all shot in a very artsy manner and often looks like an ‘80s perfume ad.  In fact, the scenes of people lifting weights, working out on rowing machines, doing gymnastics, and hitting punching bags would’ve looked right at home in a Soloflex commercial if it wasn’t for the fact the models were naked.

Thanks to the ‘80s lighting, graphics, and hairstyles, it all has the feeling of one of those Electric Blue sequences played over and over again.  (Many segments feature models lying on top of giant light boxes, which kind of makes them look like they are in a tanning bed… or maybe sitting on top of a giant fax machine.)  Since it’s not especially sexy, it’s kind of hard to get too excited about it.  Even though there are many sequences crammed into the short running time (most are under a minute long), it does get rather repetitive in a hurry.

The main reason I watched it was for the participation of popular adult actresses, Scream Queens, and B-movie stars who briefly appear as figure models.  Shauna Grant, Michelle Bauer, and Linnea Quigley all appear in the buff, although they really don’t do anything particularly memorable.  Not only that, but Deadly Prey’s Ted Prior also pops up as one of the male models!

It should come as no surprise that the most successful bits are the ones that are, at the very least, vaguely sexual in nature.  The scenes of a woman standing under a stream of water and the shots of a model sensually caressing a phallic looking fluorescent light were among my favorites.  Green gives just about every nook and cranny its share of screen time too, as there are segments devoted to hands and feet in addition to all the butts and boobs. 

Even at fifty-two minutes, it all feels a bit overlong.  It probably would’ve been just right at a half-hour.  I can’t say it’s exactly boring, thanks to the acres of flesh on display.  It’s just that if it wasn’t for the participation of certain individuals, it would’ve been easy to skip.  I’m still glad I saw it.  Sort of.

Green later went on to have a long and varied career directing episodic television.      

THE INCREDIBLE PROFESSOR ZOVEK (1972) ** ½

 

Zovek was basically Mexico’s answer to Harry Houdini.  Throughout his career, he performed incredible escapes and feats of astonishing strength and agility.  He died way too young at the age of thirty-one while performing a helicopter stunt.  This was his first and only solo starring vehicle. (He starred in Invasion of the Dead with Blue Demon the next year, which proved to be his second and final film.)  He’s kind of fun to watch too.  Sometimes he’s dressed like Tonto from The Lone Ranger.  Other times he’s gussied up like a caped superhero. 

Zovek stars as himself.  He gets a premonition of a plane crash and sends his chauffeur and girlfriend to investigate.  While Zovek is busy performing his act in a dinner theater, they are kidnapped by the bad guy.  (I guess the supposedly psychic Zovek didn’t see that one coming.)  It’s then up to Zovek to rescue them before the mad doctor performs a fiendish experiment on them.

The Incredible Professor Zovek is really slow to start.  It begins with long scenes of him yelling at people and hypnotizing women, which kind of plod on and on.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, so I had no clue what was going on in these scenes if I am to be completely honest.  When we finally meet the villain, things pick up considerably.  It doesn’t hurt that his secret lair comes complete with a giant hypno-wheel, an open BBQ pit, and a torture dungeon filled with caged Dr. Moreau-style animal men. 

I also dug Zovek’s nightclub act.  He gets brought out on stage and is tied and chained up by guys in Lucha Libre masks while sexy women wearing bikinis and executioner hoods kiss him on the cheek before dropping him into a tank of water.  It’s not exactly great, but after watching so many wrestling scenes in Mexican horror movies, it makes for a nice change of pace. 

The fight scenes are OK, but they aren’t up to director Rene (Night of the Bloody Apes) Cardona’s usual standards.  The close-ups of the faces of the caged monsters leering from their prison bars are effective though.  The scenes of the animal men chowing down on bones is pretty cool, and the brain surgery sequence (complete with an awesome shot of a woman’s pulsating brain) is the highlight. 

So, if you can get past the talky first act, you will be treated to some decent WTF Mexican Cinema.  The last reel where Zovek has a melee with a mafia of midget monsters and duels to the death with a deranged dog man… well…  That’s the sort of shit I live for when I watch these movies.

SLAXX (2021) **

Libby (Romane Denis) is an idealistic young woman who gets a job working at a Canadian Gap knockoff store.  The place is buzzing with excitement as they have been chosen to be the site to launch a new line of jeans.  As the store goes on lockdown to prepare for the big sale, a pair of the newfangled jeans comes to life, goes crazy, and starts killing the employees. 

Slaxx is a none too subtle metaphor on corporate greed.  Companies like Starbucks always act like they’re trying to save the environment, but they’re really just trying to line their coffers by using trendy buzzwords to make themselves look saintly in the eyes of gullible millennials.  (Here, the jeans are “gender inclusive”.)  This sort of thing is an easy target, and yet the movie never finds anything to say on the matter besides the obvious.  It’s only seventy-six minutes long, so I’m sure a lot of this was just a means to pad out the running time.  However, the humor is too on the nose to really work as satire. 

Then again, what do you expect from a movie about a killer pair of jeans?  

While Slaxx isn’t exactly a hilarious send-up of the retail industry, it doesn’t quite work as a horror flick either.  All the lame jabs at corporate America would’ve went down smoother if the kills were memorable.  Most disappointing is the fact that almost all the death scenes happen offscreen.  The biggest letdown comes during a moment that seems to be building toward a big slaughter, but it cuts away before we ever get a chance to see it.  Bummer.

The most amusing bit involves the killer jeans doing a choreographed Bollywood dance routine.  If it couldn’t deliver on the gore, Slaxx really needed more of these WTF scenes to make it worthwhile.  As it is, moments like these are few and far between. I also dug the origin story that explained how the pants turned homicidal.  (It’s kind of like The Mangler, but with a pair of jeans.)   

Slaxx feels kind of like a movie Troma would make.  The only difference is, Troma would’ve made it fun (or at least gory AF).  I admire the concept.  It’s just that it stumbles hard when it tries to be About Something.  I think this would’ve made for a fun three-minute fake Grindhouse trailer.  However, even with a relatively brief running time, these slacks show wear and tear early on and become threadbare by the time everything’s all sewed up. 

HONEST THIEF (2020) *** ½

Liam Neeson stars as a bank robber who prides himself on precision and skill.  He stops his thieving ways once he meets the girl of his dreams (Kate Walsh).  He prepares to confess to his crimes and turn the money over to the Feds (he never spent a dime of the loot), in hopes of a reduced sentence so he can enter into a new chapter of his life with a clean conscience.  However, things go south when the dirty Fed (Jai Courtney) tries to take the money for himself.  There’s a scuffle, another agent winds up dead, and naturally, he puts the blame on Neeson.  Now, Neeson must go on the lam and clear his name before the Feds (both the crooked ones and the guys who are on the up-and-up) take him down. 

Honest Thief was one of those movies that played to empty theaters in the midst of the pandemic.  As much as I wanted to see it, I opted to wait and catch it at home.  Fortunately, it plays a lot better on the small screen than it probably did in an empty movie theater. 

I appreciated the fact that the pacing was deliberate, though self-assured.  The plot unfolds like a good novel, and part of the fun is seeing how, despite Neeson’s best intentions, things snowball on him and he gets deeper and deeper into trouble.  It’s a good moral dilemma.  He’s just trying to do the right thing.  However, he’s turned down by the Feds who thinks he’s just a crackpot.  Once he finally gets someone to listen, they wind up being a murderous thief.  I think we’ve all been at a moment in our lives when we try to come clean about something and it winds up blowing up in our faces, only making things much worse.  It’s kind of like that here.  Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.  Or maybe, honesty IS the best policy, but you just have to go through a whole lot of shit to get out from under the truth. 

Walsh and Neeson are a good team.  They have enormous amounts of chemistry together, which makes them feel like a believable couple.  You truly believe Neeson’s need to confess comes from his love for her, and it’s not just a gratuitous machination of the plot (as is the case would be with so many other thrillers).  Courtney does a fine job as the single-minded agent willing to do anything to get his hands on the loot.  Robert Patrick also lends a touch of class to the proceedings as the unbelieving agent who winds up dead.  It’s Jeffrey Donovan who steals the movie as Patrick’s partner.  His character just got out of a messy divorce and wound up winning his wife's dog in the divorce settlement.  That means he brings the cute pooch along with him everywhere he goes.  It’s quirky touches like this that make Honest Thief sprier and more memorable than your average crime flick. 

The only real eye-rolls come from Neeson’s nickname, “The In and Out Bandit”.  It’s mostly there for a cheap laugh and the filmmakers run the thin joke into the ground early on.  It’s a small consolation that Neeson’s character seems to hate it as much as anyone. 

Like the main character, Honest Thief is precise, efficient, and reliable.  There’s nothing flashy about it, but it gets the job done.  Some may feel let down by the climax, which is a little low on action.  I for one thought it was a refreshing change of pace as it requires the hero to outthink his adversary and not outgun him.  There’s something to be said for that.   

AKA:  The Good Criminal.

THE POLKA KING (2018) *** ½

The Polka King tells the true-crime story of polka bandleader Jan Lewan who roped his fans into an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  While this material is slight to be sure, it makes an enormously entertaining showcase for Jack Black.  The role of Jan Lewan would not fall into the wheelhouse of many performers, but it fits Black like a glove.  A character that can allow him to simultaneously combine his natural gift for music and comedy all the while occasionally allowing him glimpses of dramatic flair and nuance?  It almost seems too good to be true.

Naturally, that’s what Lewan’s followers should’ve thought.  They willingly “invested” lots of money into his organization, that unexpectedly blew up into something bigger than he could’ve ever imagined.  They probably should’ve known something was shady, especially when he was giving them huge, guaranteed returns on their money.  Then again, when Lewan is able to deliver on such unlikely promises as a free bus tour to meet the Pope… well… maybe it was money well-spent. 

I think the movie’s point is that that his followers weren’t so much investing their money in a fraudulent pyramid scheme so much as they were invested in Jan himself.  He’s gregarious, fun-loving, and never has an unkind word for his family, friends, bandmates, and fans.  Also, for a so-called criminal, he busts his ass working odd jobs and running a gift shop while keeping his polka empire afloat.  

Black is terrific in the lead and the supporting cast does a fine job making the world around him as colorful as the suits he performs in.  Jenny Slate is well-cast as Black’s clueless wife who turns a blind eye to his business dealings out of love.  Jason Schwartzman is a trip as his right-hand man and trumpet player who goes through a hilarious transformation under his tutelage.  Jacki Weaver (who seems to be channeling Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls) is also quite funny as Black’s distrusting mother in-law.  Really, this is Black’s show through and through.  It’s a great performance and the movie is a perfect vehicle for him.

This wouldn’t necessarily be an awards contender or anything, but it accomplishes what it sets out to do.  It takes a thin premise and makes you actually care about Jan, even if his business model wasn’t exactly on the up and up.  It would make a great double feature with the equally enjoyable Bernie in which Black played another seemingly loveable fellow who’s actually a criminal.  There’s also kind of a Fargo vibe to it (at least the William H. Macy scenes from that movie) as Jan is always about one step away from having his scheme blow up in his face. 

Really, The Polka King is one of those Dark Side of the American Dream movies.  Instead of being about cocaine (like in Blow) or the stock market (like in The Wolf of Wall Street), it’s about Ponzi schemes and polka.  Just because the allure of polka music isn’t as enticing as drug runners and Wall Street fat cats doesn’t make it any less enthralling.

KING OF THE ANTS (2004) *

Before The Asylum got into the mockbuster business, they teamed up with horror legend Stuart (Re-Animator) Gordon for this weird neo-noir/torture porn/horror hybrid.  Chris McKenna stars as Sean, a painter who gets suckered by a rich contractor named Ray (Daniel Baldwin) to tail a suit down at city hall who’s causing problems for his business.  Things escalate quickly when Sean murders his target, which forces Ray to take matters in his own hands. 

King of the Ants starts out OK as things sort of play out like a modern riff on an old film noir.  The plot takes a turn though once the hero is captured and tortured by Baldwin and his cronies.  These sequences go on for far too long and are pretty repugnant.  Things get increasingly weird once he starts having bizarre hallucinations of Kari Wuhrer with a penis.  (I don’t know if this was supposed to be a homage to The Crying Game or not.)  Later, she appears to him as a grotesque shit-eating caterpillar that looks like a close cousin to Justin Long in Tusk.  What the fuck?  All of this is more unpleasant than scary and is sure no picnic to sit through. 

The third act is slightly better, although the fact that McKenna could get the wife of the man he killed to not only nurse him back to health, but make her fall in love with him too, is a little hard to swallow.  The finale where McKenna gets revenge on Baldwin and his crew also goes on too long.  In fact, the movie is too long in general, running one-hundred-and-two minutes, and feeling twice that length.

The cast is stacked top to bottom with talent.  Baldwin is ideally cast as the villain, and Vernon Wells and George Wendt (who looks like he’s having fun) make for a strange team as his sleazy crew.  Wuhrer (who made this just before she did all those Dimension DTV sequels) probably gives the best performance in the movie, but some of the stuff she’s asked to do is almost laughable.  The biggest surprise is seeing an uncredited Ron Livingston as her ill-fated husband, although he’s not given much to do besides die. 

The supporting cast is so good that they just make McKenna pale in comparison.  He just isn’t in the same league as his co-stars and is pretty annoying throughout the picture (but especially in the final act).  I can’t say the movie would’ve worked with a stronger leading man because it’s certainly repellent to the core, but he doesn’t do it any favors.

If King of the Ants was more of a straight noir thriller, it possibly could’ve been more tolerable.  However, the horror touches only make the whole ordeal more perplexing.  Since it’s neither fish nor fowl, I’m not sure if die-hard Gordon fans will even enjoy it.  It’s not quite as bad as Gordon’s Dagon, but it’s pretty awful in just about every way.

Gordon’s next was Edmond, a much better non-horror-but-still-sorta-horrific drama. 

ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE (2021) ***

Well, it’s real.  After years of endless speculation of its very existence, Zack Snyder’s director’s cut of the much-maligned Justice League is finally here.  Was it worth the wait?  Yes, and no.

Like most director’s cuts, it’s a good news, bad news kind situation.  For every marked improvement on the original (and to be fair, there are a few), there is at least one glaring omission or superfluous addition to make you furrow your brow and wonder, “Was this cut really necessary”?  That said, I like Zack’s movies and I’m glad from a filmmaker’s perspective that he was able to have his vision finally realized.

Most director’s cuts are overlong to begin with, but Zack Snyder’s Justice League clocks in at a whopping four hours.  What’s strange is that the first two acts (or first four parts, as it is broken up into six parts and one epilogue) are strong.  The changes are minor, and the additions help to flesh out the characters (mostly Cyborg).  While most of the early stuff is merely cosmetic (the villain, Steppenwolf has been given a CGI upgrade), there are moments where you have to wonder what the heck Snyder was thinking.  There’s a surprisingly tender scene between Ma Kent and Lois Lane that is genuinely moving, but it’s almost immediately undone by a surprise reveal that… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s fucking dumb. 

The third act sees the most changes, most of which are for the worse.  The final battle feels a lot more condensed and lackluster compared to the original.  Plus, the return of everyone’s favorite Man of Steel isn’t as much fun as the theatrical version.  (Although this time he’s sporting a nifty black suit.)  Also, some of my favorite bits from the theatrical are totally missing.  I loved all the banter between the heroes in the Batjet (especially Aquaman’s confession to Wonder Woman), all of which are absent here.  Strangely, the most cringe-inducing thing is still present.  Of course, I’m referring to Aquaman saying “My man!” to Cyborg.  I would’ve thought that was a Whedon moment, but I was apparently wrong.  (Oh, and Aquaman is an even bigger Debbie Downer in this incarnation.)

Even the great stinger at the end, the race between Flash and Superman is missing.  In its place is a befuddling dream sequence set in a post-apocalyptic future that sees heroes and villains teaming up to face… someone I won’t spoil.  It’s just so out of left field that feels out of place with the rest of the movie. 

While the original film suffered from a whiplash in tone (due to Whedon’s reshoots), this one is more consistent throughout.  The thing I have always admired about Snyder’s DC movies is that he gives the heroes their proper mythic status.  Frank Miller always said, “Marvel is folklore.  DC is myth”, and Snyder gets that.  His battles are epic, and there’s nothing less than the fate of the world in the balance whenever the heroes are squaring off against the baddie and his minions.  He gives the characters a world to inhabit that has real size and scope and treats his heroes with reverence and respect that few filmmakers working in the genre have.  (He also gives Wonder Woman more moments to shine here and in Batman v Superman than she had in either of her solo outings.)  I mean, there’s one new sequence that involves a giant ancient intergalactic battle that features Amazon women, Green Lanterns, and motherfuckin’ Zeus battling aliens that is exactly the kind of WTF flourish that makes this version well-worth seeing. 

I have to say that while I am glad Zack got his moment in the sun to show the world his true vision, it ultimately pales next to Man of Steel and BVS.  Those films had an emotional core that this one lacks.  That’s mostly due to the fact that Superman, the heart of the DC Extended Universe, is largely absent from the proceedings.  (I believe it’s called “Search for Spock Syndrome”.)  Unfortunately, once he finally shows up, the movie really doesn’t know what to do with him (especially in this version).

So, I’m probably in the minority on this one, but I prefer the original to the director’s cut.  It may be a bit of a mess, but it’s an overall tighter picture (and is a lot easier on the bladder).  That really isn’t a surprise as I can’t think of many director’s cuts that improve on the original versions.  However, Zack Snyder’s Justice League is bigger, bolder, and more filmmaker-driven than anything Marvel has given us, so for that, it’s worthwhile.

TOMCATS (1977) ** ½

Four psychos go on a crime spree robbing restaurants and raping and killing waitresses.  The goons are arrested and brought to trial, but they get off because of a technicality.  Chris Mulkey stars as the brother of one of the victims who goes out for revenge.  His uncle (Blood Feast’s William Kerwin), a detective on the case, bends the law and turns a blind eye to Mulkey’s actions, allowing him his opportunity for justice.

Tomcats is basically a Death Wish rehash.  It’s a bit on the uneven side and is sometimes frustrating, but it certainly has its merits.  The opening attack sequence is surprisingly strong.  It also does the whole heavy breathing stalker POV camerawork thing rather well.  (A full year before Halloween made it chic.)   That’s the only real distinguishing stylistic characteristic though.  That cool scene aside, the rest of the picture is mostly drab and none too subtle. 

The finale is a bit of a letdown.  I mean the guys are all cretins.  You want to see them get what’s coming to them.  Unfortunately, most of the scumbags get off way too easy, which is sort of the big problem.  The shootouts and chase scenes in the third act lack sizzle too. 

The movie coasts on the strength of Mulkey’s performance.  He has a quiet, likeable toughness about him, and you can’t help but to root for him.  Wayne Crawford (who also co-wrote the script) is appropriately sleazy as the head rapist.  You just wish he came to a more fitting demise.  Kerwin (brother of Harry Kerwin, who also directed) is fun to watch, especially since he’s playing a slight variation on the character he played in Blood Feast.

Ultimately, Tomcats is better in its first half when it’s detailing the gang’s reign of terror.  Once it switches gears and becomes a revenge flick, it all kind of fizzles out.  Still, there’s still plenty of grimy atmosphere (not to mention copious amounts of T & A) to go around.  It’s not bad as far as ‘70s revenge flicks go, but it falls just short of being a good one.

Kerwin and Crawford reteamed for Barracuda the next year.

AKA:  Getting Even.  AKA:  Avenged.  AKA:  Deadbeat.

KID 90 (2021) ** ½

Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye took a camera with her wherever she went during her years as a child actor in Hollywood in the ‘80s and ‘90s.  Thanks to her incessant need to film everything, she has tons of footage of her famous child star friends.  Around the turn of the century, she put down her camera and locked all the footage away for twenty years.  When she finally took it out of storage and looked at it (which conveniently just so happened to be when she was about to star in a Punky Brewster reboot), she decided to make a documentary about it. 

It’s great to see footage of so many child stars in their prime hanging out, partying, and generally just being themselves.  This is the real reason to see Kid 90.  The new scenes of a mature Frye trying to connect the dots of how the footage shaped her life fall flat.  

Kid 90 is kind of coy about a lot of stuff.  I guess Frye was trying to maintain a certain level of innocence here (or maybe she just didn’t want to incriminate anyone), but in doing so, it ultimately comes off like a fluff piece.  The only real revelation is who she lost her virginity to.  I won’t spoil it here, but I’m sure you can probably guess who it is, knowing his reputation. 

The present-day interviews with the former child stars who appear in the footage offer little insight.  It must be said that some enjoyment can be had from their reactions to seeing footage of their younger selves after thirty years.  It’s just not enough to base a whole movie on. The scenes of Fry reconnecting with an old flame make for lackluster finale too.  (It would’ve made for a better climax if they managed to get You Know Who on camera.) 

The most shocking thing about Kid 90 is the fact that so many of the kids featured in the old videos are no longer with us (many by suicide or drugs).  It’s still fairly entertaining, even if the film is kind of skimpy on a cohesive through line.  I guess Frye coming through the other side as a survivor is narrative enough.  

If you watch Kid 90 for purely nostalgic purposes, you will probably enjoy it.  Honestly, I was hoping for something a bit more.  Then again, any documentary that contains behind the scenes footage of the 1995 Piranha remake AND Pumpkinhead 2:  Blood Wings is OK by me.

ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN (1972) *

Encounter with the Unknown is an amateurish low budget horror anthology that is only noteworthy because of the participation of The Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling, who narrates the trio of tales.  His familiar voice is the only touch of class in this otherwise dreary slog of a film.  I’m not sure how much he got paid for this gig, but it probably kept him in cigarettes for a few days. 

The first story (*) involves a trio of teens playing a prank on their friend, which predictably goes wrong, leading to his death.  At his funeral, his mother curses the three boys responsible for the prank.  Then, every seven days, one of them meets an untimely demise. 

The acting is bad, the pacing is sluggish, and the whole thing feels like a student film.  Even though the story is less than a half an hour, it’s heavily padded with repeated sequences and flashbacks to stuff that happened just a few minutes prior.  The awkward structure doesn’t do it any favors either. 

The second tale (* ½) begins with a boy looking for his lost dog.  Eventually, he stumbles upon a mysterious hole in the ground.  His father investigates and hears a strange moaning sound coming from the hole.  His buddies lower him into the dark cavern, and he is ill prepared for what he finds there. 

This one suffers from low budget as the period setting is hardly believable.  It almost looks like one of those cheap filmstrips they used to show in history class.  Or maybe an episode of The Waltons directed by Charles B. Pierce.  At any rate, it squanders a decent premise almost immediately, and the complete non-ending is downright infuriating. Like the first story, there’s a lot of unnecessary flashbacks to stuff that just happened that help to pad things out. 

The last tale (* ½) is a familiar enough ghost story.  A motorist discovers a young woman wandering alone on a rickety bridge in the middle of the night.  He offers to give her a lift back home and discovers she hasn’t lived there for a very long time.

This story is predictable, but it’s probably the best of the bunch because it is the shortest.  Even then, the story is needlessly stretched out with (you guessed it) flashbacks.  It might’ve got ** if it was only fifteen minutes long, but it goes on and on senselessly for another five minutes, which is nothing more than endless scenes of the ghost girl and her former lover having romantic interludes through the woods while a sappy love song plays on the soundtrack.

I would have split the difference and gave the movie an overall score of * ½.  However, after the stories wrap up, another narrator comes along and gives us a recap of every tale, each one lasting several minutes.  These scenes didn’t work the first time and are even more excruciating the second time around. 

Without all these repeated scenes, Encounter with the Unknown could’ve easily been a sixty-minute movie.  Thanks to the heavy doses of padding and unending narration, it clocks in at a whopping ninety.  The egregious padding helps to make it one of the worst horror anthologies of all time. 

To sum up, this is for Rod Serling completists only.  His intros are the only thing worth a damn.  The rest of the movie is just mind-numbingly bad.

CORRUPTED (1973) ** ½

A pimp named Derek (Nicky Fylan) and his hooker girlfriend Angela (Janice Duval) are looking to make a big score.  They devise a way to blackmail, cheat, and swindle rich clients by luring them into sessions with “photographer’s models”.  They then take incriminating photos of the men and use them for extortion.  Trouble brews when Angela starts getting a little too cozy with their latest mark (Arthur Roberts from Not of This Earth), which drives Derek crazy with jealousy.

Directed by Ed (The Brain) Hunt, this Canadian softcore flick has perhaps a bit too much plot, but it features plenty of nudity.  Things get particularly repetitive late in the game as there are probably two too many scenes of the pimp being jealous that Duval is off getting busy without him.  Duval is easy on the eyes though, and she drops her drawers at a moment’s notice, which helps keep you watching even when the movie is chasing its tail.

The subplot centering around the head of the local moral brigade (Tom Celli) makes for the most memorable moments.  He gets a great introduction scene where he sits in his office and burns a Playboy centerfold to show just how serious he is about wiping smut from his community.  Not to be outdone, once the centerfold goes up in smoke, he sets a match to Burt Reynolds’ nude spread for Cosmopolitan!  This guy is an equal opportunity smut smasher!

Another highlight is when he breaks into a nurse’s apartment and forces her to use a vibrator at gunpoint.  (“Don’t play innocent with me!”)  It hilariously backfires on him when she winds up getting turned on and tries to seduce him, effectively flummoxing the creep and sending him running off into the night.  If only the movie had one or two more scenes like this, it could’ve been a minor classic.

While Celli’s plotline is a lot more fun than the blackmail stuff with Roberts and Duval, his big orgy scene is a bit of a bust.  The editing in this sequence is a bit choppy too, so I have to wonder if I was stuck watching a cut version.  Even if there were some juicy tidbits still intact, I don’t think it would’ve been enough to completely salvage Corrupted.  However, it remains a decent enough skin flick, warts and all. 

AKA:  Pleasure Palace.

ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013) ** ½

This Asylum zombie flick has a little bit better pedigree than your typical low budget gut-muncher.  It was directed by John (Feast) Gulager, features music by Alan (the Halloween sequels) Howarth and boasts a pretty solid cast for this sort of thing.  We have Anthony Michael Hall as the family man trying to keep his clan safe during the zombie outbreak, Daryl Hannah is his wife, and The Partridge Family’s Shirley Jones is her blind mother.  We also have Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’s Alan Ruck as the asshole neighbor who won’t let anybody into his heavily fortified panic room. 

If you want to see an endless barrage of zombie cliches for eighty-eight minutes, Zombie Night will make for an evening of undemanding entertainment.  Characters have to watch in horror as their loved ones are bitten, turned into zombies, and then they are forced to shoot them in the head.  There’s the scene where people keep shooting zombies in the chest until they finally realize shooting them in the head is the only way to stop them.  There’s the lovelorn teen who keeps wanting to check on her boyfriend who’s almost assuredly Zombie Chow.  It’s all here, and it’s solid for the most part.  The stuff with Jones stumbling around in the basement is almost laughable at times though, and the finale where the family makes their final stand kinda fizzles out.

As a regular movie, it sort of falls short when it comes to things like plot, characterization, and suspense.  As a zombie flick (especially one made by The Asylum), it works as well as could be expected.  Gulager stages the action in a competent, workmanlike fashion.  He also wastes no time cutting to the chase, which is always appreciated in something like this.  The pacing overall is fairly brisk, and while he brings nothing especially new or memorable to the genre, it’s far from a bad film. 

There is something to be said for the three-chords approach.  Do I wish Gulager and company aimed a bit higher?  Kinda.  However, there’s nothing wrong with aiming low as long as you can hit the target.  (Or at least shoot them in the head.)

AKA:  Dark Night of the Walking Dead.

HELGA, SHE WOLF OF STILBERG (1978) **

Helga (Malisa Longo) wants to be taken seriously by her male bosses, who rule a small country with an iron fist.  They give her a job presiding over a women’s prison, and she quickly takes to it like a duck to water.  There, she dishes out torture, punishment, and (sometimes) pleasure to the captive cuties.  Things get complicated though when Helga takes a shine to one of her model prisoners. 

Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg is an odd Women in Prison movie.  It wants to ride the coattails of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS (Longo even looks like Dyanne Thorne a little), but it lacks that film’s conviction to depravity and disgustingness.  Heck, it doesn’t even have the heart to be a real Nazi flick as the bad guys all wear knockoff swastika symbols on their armbands.  The various scenes of whipping, torture, and rape all seem tame and halfhearted for the most part too.  Many sequences start off promising, but end abruptly, while others just sort of fizzle out.  There are quite a few scenes of people going for a roll in the hay (both literal and figurative), although it’s nothing that will fog up your glasses or anything.

I might have felt a little differently if the version I saw had subtitles.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss much as there is very little here in the way of actual plot.  Because of that, I had to rely on the exploitation elements to carry me through.  While the nude scenes and torture sequences are plentiful, they just never really go for broke. 

Longo is quite lovely.  She has a good masturbation scene that like most everything else in the movie starts off steamy but has no payoff whatsoever.  That’s kind of how the whole movie is though. 

Also, in addition to not being subtitled, the version I saw didn’t even have opening credits.  Just a long shot of a sword while library music played.  Weird. 

AKA:  Girl Slaves.  AKA:  Helga, the Leather Mistress.  AKA:  The She Wolf of Stilberg.  AKA:  Bloody Camp.