TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022) ** ½

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is dumb and gory and goofy, and I’m perfectly OK with that.  Like most of the other sequels in the franchise, it ignores everything but the first movie and acts like it’s the “real” sequel.  The fact that this is fifty years later and Leatherface should be about eighty by now might give one pause, but if you think about it, Grandpa was one-hundred-and-thirty-seven in Part 2, and he was still pretty spry.  I see no reason why an octogenarian Leatherface can’t go around Texas massacring with his trusty chainsaw.  

The way the movie tries to cram in a whole mess of 21st century social issues into the first act is fucking hilarious.  From gentrification to open carry to debate about the Confederate flag to school shootings (!?!), it is a hot mess.  None of these topics ever get a chance to blossom into a real point, mostly because once Leatherface pulls his chainsaw out of storage, it becomes a non-stop all-you-can-eat buffet of power tool carnage.  

The plot has a bunch of millennials buying a small Texas town in the middle of nowhere with the intention of turning it into a hipster haven.  The only problem is there’s a little old lady (Alice Krige) who still owns her home.  They don’t really give a shit and kick her ass out, and when she croaks, her son, Leatherface (Mark Burnham) goes ape, leading to one big millennial massacre.  

There are parts of this movie that just plain don’t work.  Bringing back the character of Sally Hardesty was an OK idea, but she isn’t really given much to do until the very end.  It’s almost as if the filmmakers saw Halloween ’18 and said, “Shit, they’re bringing back the old characters, so we have to too!”  Her story is an ill fit with the main plotline and feels more like an afterthought than anything.  It also doesn’t help that Marilyn Burns passed away some time ago and the new Sally (Olwen Fouere) isn’t all that great.  

Another debit is the lack of family.  With the exception of his mother, Leatherface doesn’t have any other relatives to help out with his slaughter.  This means it’s pretty much a one-man show, which is fine because this new Leatherface can saw ‘em up with the best of them.  Yet another shocking omission:  There is no cannibalism in this one.  Nor is there a dinner table scene.  Bummer.  I did like the twist on the original’s ending though.

On the plus side, this is quite possibly the goriest entry in the entire franchise.  Faces get hacked off, limbs get dismembered, heads are severed, and more than one person is impaled and lifted into the air on a buzzing chainsaw.  The best part comes early on when Leatherface stabs a guy in the neck with his own broken wrist.  You don’t see that every day.

The standout sequence comes when Leatherface climbs aboard a party bus fully of millennials, who, when faced with the prospect of certain death, opt to take out their phones and film everything instead of running for their lives.  One jackass says, “Try anything and you’re canceled, bro!” before Leatherface turns him into Tuna Helper.  Folks, it was moments like these when I wish this didn’t go straight to Netflix.  I would’ve given anything to hear the audience reaction to this scene in a packed house on opening night.  

Ultimately, it slips and stumbles in places, but this new TCM has a goofy charm and lots of gore, so it’s hard to completely dismiss.  As far as the recent trend of remake-a-boot-lega-sequels go, I’d say it’s much better than Halloween ’18 and more fun than Scream ’22.  I’d even go so far to say it’s probably about the fourth best Chainsaw overall, which is really saying something seeing how all over the place the series is.  It’s hard to say if the next Chainsaw will pick up where this one left off or if it will be another remake-a-boot-lega-sequel, but this one, while not exactly GOOD, will be a tough act to follow.

TRAILERS #3: SCIENCE FICTION OF THE ‘50S AND ‘60S (1992) ***

As you’ve probably already guessed, I’ve been on a Something Weird trailer compilation jag lately.  This one doesn’t quite have the same kick as some of the others I’ve watched, mostly due to the fact that there’s absolutely no blood, gore, trash, nudity, or sleaze to be had.  However, if you’re a fan of old school, low budget, and/or just plain cheesy science fiction flicks (and I certainly am), then Trailers #3:  Science Fiction of the ‘50s and ‘60s should fit the bill.  

Some trailer compilations that are devoted to one particular genre have a tendency to bog down, due to the lack of variety.  Thanks to the relatively brief hundred-minute running time, that never quite happens.  While there are a few trailers for such legitimate classics of the genre, such as The Thing from Another World, War of the Worlds, and The Time Machine, the concentration is really on the Grade B (Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman, It!  The Terror from Beyond Space, Return of the Fly), and Z (Bela Lugosi Meets a Brookyln Gorilla, Phantom from Space, Robot Monster) pictures, which makes for a fun time.  

Since I’ve watched so many of these things in the past few days, I had seen a few of these trailers in previous collections, although to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t nearly as many as I was expecting.  Studios such as Universal (Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, The Creature Walks Among Us, and The Mole People) and Columbia (Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Werewolf, and First Men in the Moon) are once again prominently featured, but ones from smaller outfits like Allied Artists (War of the Satellites The Giant Behemoth, and Attack of the Crab Monsters) also appear from time to time.  And as a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, I enjoyed seeing trailers for many of the movies featured on the show (It Conquered the World, The Giant Gila Monster, and The Crawling Hand) popping up here.

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Things to Come, Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, The Thing from Another World, When Worlds Collide, The Day the Earth Stood Still, War of the Worlds, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, The Creature Walks Among Us, Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Werewolf, It Conquered the World, The Mole People, The Spider (AKA:  Earth vs. the Spider), War of the Satellites, Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman, It!  The Terror from Beyond Space, Attack of the Puppet People, The Giant Gila Monster, The Giant Behemoth, Konga, The Crawling Hand, Children of the Damned, First Men in the Moon, Invaders from Mars, It Came from Outer Space, Phantom from Space, Robot Monster (which has a final title card that calls it “Monster from Mars), The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, Killers from Space, Flight to Mars, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Incredible Shrinking Man (narrated by Orson Welles!), The Man Who Turned to Stone, The Deadly Mantis, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Vampire, Return of the Fly, The Colossus of New York, Monster on the Campus, Terror from the Year 5000, War of the Colossal Beast, Night of the Blood Beast, The Time Machine, Beyond the Time Barrier (two trailers, actually), The Leech Woman, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Crack in the World, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, a double feature of Die, Monster, Die! and Planet of the Vampires, and Fantastic Voyage.   

EMMANUELLE: QUEEN OF FRENCH EROTIC CINEMA (2021) *** ½

This is an absorbing, informative, and at times, touching documentary about the creation of one of the most popular and influential softcore films of all time, Emmanuelle.  We learn about the movie’s inception; everything from producer Yves Roussett-Rouard buying the rights to Emmanuelle Arsan’s scandalous memoir to the hiring of noted photographer Just Jaeckin as director, and the discovery of the iconic star, Sylvia Kristel.  The tumultuous shooting is also discussed as the low budget crew were shooting without permits in foreign countries where nudie moviemaking was frowned up.  Finally, the documentary revels in the filmmakers’ success as Emmanuelle paved the way for an entire genre of erotica.  

The interviews with Roussett-Rouard, Jaeckin, and star Marika Green (who played Emmanuelle’s lover, Bee in the film) are insightful.  The many scholarly interviewees are equally enlightening as they are able to connect the dots and formulate why the movie was such a global phenomenon.  (Which basically boils down to sexual liberation, the loosening of censorship laws, and of course, Sylvia Kristel.)  In fact, Emmanuelle:  Queen of French Erotic Cinema is so well done that it’s almost a letdown that they only go in-depth on the first movie.  The sequels are quickly glossed over, and the legions of rip-offs are derided.  (The unofficial Emanuelle series are only shown in a series of lurid poster art.)  Maybe someday somebody will make the definitive documentary on the Emanuelle rip-off series.  I can at least hope.  Till then, this is a great doc on the first flick.

What elevates Emmanuelle:  Queen of French Erotic Cinema above most skin flick documentaries is the final section devoted to Kristel.  It’s here where we see a montage of clips culled from talk shows, interviews, and behind the scenes footage where the (male) hosts continuously ask tactless questions about nudity, backhandedly shame her, and generally act like pigs.  She answers all their questions in a professional manner, but the sadness in her eyes speaks volumes.  Even though she found success outside of the Emmanuelle films, for better or worse, she would forever be Emmanuelle in the eyes of the press.  While she appears nude throughout the documentary in scenes and ad slicks for the film, it's her wounded, sad eyes during these interview segments that leave the longest lasting impression.   

BLOOD-O-RAMA SHOCK SHOW (1994) ****

Here’s another fun horror trailer compilation from Something Weird.  It’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.  It features more classic trailers than you can shake a stick at.  There’s an art to making the perfect collection of previews, and with Blood-O-Rama Shock Show, Something Weird cracked the code.  It might fall just shy of their immortal Something Weird Extra Weird Sampler, but it’s top notch in just about every regard.  

I’ve seen probably over a hundred or so trailer comps over the years, and this one left me dizzy from all the amazing coming attractions that were crammed into the two-hour running time.  Most of these things usually start running out of steam at about the ninety-minute mark.  Blood-O-Rama Shock Show made the running time fly by.  When it was over, I kinda wanted to watch it again.  If that isn’t the true testament of a great trailer compilation, I don’t know what is.

Things kick off with a swell trio of trailers from Hemisphere Pictures:  Blood Fiend, Curse of the Vampires, and Mad Doctor of Blood Island.  Later in the collection, they turn up as part of various drive-in quadruple features, which is a great way to show how these films were repackaged (often under different titles) and rereleased to an unsuspecting moviegoing public.  There’s a great sampling of genres (vampires, zombies, and cannibal movies), eras (mostly ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s), and quality, which adds to the fun.  Along the way, we get a taste of Something Weird’s catalogue of titles (Sins of Rachel, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, and She Freak), some Grade A schlock (I Dismember Mama, Shriek of the Mutilated, and The Corpse Grinders), a handful of true classics (Vampyres, Dawn of the Dead, and Basket Case), plus many films from Herschell Gordon Lewis (Color Me Blood Red, The Gruesome Twosome, and The Wizard of Gore) and Andy Milligan (The Body Beneath, The Rats are Coming!  The Werewolves are Here!, and The Ghastly Ones).  All told, a horror fan’s dream come true.

The complete collection includes:  Blood Fiend, Curse of the Vampires, Mad Doctor of Blood Island, The Murder Clinic, Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, Andy Warhol’s Dracula, Make Them Die Slowly, Tender Flesh, Sins of Rachel, Color Me Blood Red, The Body Beneath, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, She Freak, Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks, I Dismember Mama, Lila (AKA:  Mantis in Lace), The Gruesome Twosome, The Wizard of Gore, Sacrifice! (AKA:  Man from Deep River), Shriek of the Mutilated, The Flesh and Blood Show, Mark of the Devil 2, Private Parts, Blood Feast, Chiller Carnival of Blood (a quadruple feature that includes Blood Demon, Blood Doctor, Blood Fiend, and Blood Brides), Invasion of the Flesh Hunters, Dawn of the Dead, Basket Case, Mansion of the Doomed, The Blood-O-Rama Shock Festival (Blood Fiend, Brides of Blood, Blood Creatures, and The Blood Drinkers), Night of the Lepus, Caged Virgins, the iconic double feature of I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin, the classic triple bill “Orgy of the Living Dead” (containing Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, and Fangs of the Living Dead), Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, The Corpse Grinders, The Gore Gore Girls, The Thirsty Dead, Disciples of Death, Meat Cleaver Massacre (narrated by Christopher Lee!), Night of a Thousand Cats, Don’t Open the Window, The Worm Eaters, Dawn of the Mummy, and Deranged.

SUPER HORRORAMA SHRIEK SHOW (1994) ***

Super Horrorama Shriek Show is a solid trailer compilation from the good folks at Something Weird.  It features nearly two hours’ worth of horror trailers, with a couple of spook show previews, intermission ads, and old commercials tossed in there to spice things up.  They are presented in chronological order (for a little while at least), which is cool because it gives you a sampling of the various trends throughout the years.  You also get a nice variety of horror stars such as Lon Chaney Jr., Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Michael Gough, all of whom pop up several times.  

The first half is devoted to trailers from the ‘50s and ‘60s.  Because of that, much of the early going is rather tame, but hang tight.  The trailers definitely get bloodier, gorier, and racier as they go along.  The relatively harmless stuff from Columbia (The Werewolf and Curse of the Demon) and Universal (Curse of the Undead and The Leech Woman) eventually gives way to the more adult offerings from Hammer (Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell) and AIP (Deathmaster and Count Yorga, Vampire), before concentrating on Blaxploitation (Blacula and Abby), undisputed classics (The Exorcist and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), and slashers (My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th).  

Many of the trailers from the ‘70s featured in the second half are short and sweet (sometimes fifteen or thirty second spots).  While I would’ve liked to have seen the full previews for these films, they come at such a fast and furious pace that it’s hard to complain.  Since many of the ads are so brief, it gives us that much more room to cram more of them in there.  Sure, many of the trailers have cropped up on other collections before, and a lot of the prints are beaten all to hell, but connoisseurs of trailer compilations will have a lot of fun with Super Horrorama Shriek Show.  

The full trailer rundown includes:  The Return of Dracula, The Werewolf, Curse of the Demon, The Man Without a Body, Indestructible Man, The Cyclops, Fright, Horror Hotel, Giant from the Unknown, Curse of the Undead, Macabre, The Tingler, The Leech Woman, The Woman Eater, Blood of Dracula, House on Haunted Hill, Tales of Terror, The Premature Burial, Black Zoo, House of Fright (AKA:  The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll), Horror of Dracula, Horrors of the Black Museum, The House of the Damned, The Old Dark House, Night Creatures, Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Berserk!, Circus of Horrors, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, Captain Kronos:  Vampire Hunter, The Fearless Vampire Killers or: Pardon Me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, a double feature of Night of the Witches and Dr. Frankenstein on Campus, Tales from the Crypt, The Chosen, Raw Meat, The Legend of Hell House, The Exorcist, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Incredible Melting Man, The Children, The House Where Death Lives, Something is Out There, Rabid, The Car, Tourist Trap, Burnt Offerings, The Changeling, Terror in the Wax Museum, Point of Terror, The Tempter, Axe, Deathmaster, Rattlers, It’s Alive, Don’t Open the Window, Willard, Count Yorga, Vampire, Equinox, Seizure, a double feature of The Velvet Vampire and Scream of the Demon Lover, Humanoids from the Deep, Blacula, Sugar Hill, Abby, The Sinful Dwarf, Eaten Alive, My Bloody Valentine, Terror, and Friday the 13th, as well as a handful of ads for upcoming Something Weird releases.

RENO 911! THE HUNT FOR QANON (2021) **

I was a casual fan of the Cops spoof, Reno 911! and enjoyed the big-screen version, Reno 911!  Miami probably more than most.  Amazingly, it’s been over fourteen years since their last movie, so I was hoping Reno 911!  The Hunt for QAnon (which went straight to Paramount+) would’ve made up for all that lost time.  Unfortunately, it’s kind of a mixed bag.  While it’s fun to see everybody in their roles once again, there really aren’t a whole lot of laughs to be had.  

The plot probably wouldn’t have even cut it on a thirty-minute episode of the show.  Lieutenant Jim Dangle (Thomas Lennon) and his cronies in the Reno Sheriff’s Department are tasked with giving a summons to the leader of QAnon.  He learns the organization is about to have their annual Booze Cruise, and the police force travel incognito aboard the ship hoping to get a glimpse of the mysterious leader.  

The stuff on the boat is extremely hit and miss.  With a topic like crackpot conspiracy theorists, there is plenty of low hanging fruit to be squashed here.  However, Lennon and company don’t exactly go swinging for the fences.  In fact, with such a prime target, it’s kind of disappointing to say that the filmmakers let QAnon off pretty easily.  The celebrity cameos are OK (Patton Oswalt garners a couple of chuckles in a sizable supporting role), but honestly, I was expecting more (both in the way of cameos and laughs).  

It's a shame too because the opening is a lot of fun.  It’s in these scenes where the Reno police force have to come to terms with the changes in policing brought about by Black Lives Matter and anti-cop sentiment in general.  I think it would’ve been a lot funnier if that had been the film’s primary focus instead of the stuff with the cruise.  (The scene where the cast performs an extended cover of Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” is particularly cringe-inducing.)  Despite the promising start, once the ship sets sail, the movie gets lost at sea.  

DUNKIRK (2017) ***

Christopher Nolan’s WWII movie, Dunkirk is a simple, straightforward war picture.  It’s primarily a tale of survival as its focus is on soldiers trying to stay alive on and along the coastline of the French town of Dunkirk as they are fired upon by German airplanes that perpetually strafe the area.  We meet characters on the land (soldiers pinned down on the beach), in the air (a pilot, played by Tom Hardy, who tries to keep the skies clear of enemy fighters), and at sea (a boat captain played by Mark Rylance who along with his sons, rescue downed pilots and beleaguered soldiers), all of whom fight for survival during the siege.  

The back-and-forth storytelling approach is almost mosaic in nature and yields uneven results.  The strongest passages are set upon Rylance’s boat.  He‘s an able-bodied seaman who is too old to enlist, but pitches in to help rescue soldiers.  His voyage gets complicated when he picks up a pilot (Cillian Murphy) who has no intention on returning to Dunkirk.  The stuff involving Hardy is fairly decent too.  The sequences of the soldiers stranded on the beach don’t work quite as well, mostly because none of them ever really stand out and become real characters.  I’m not saying these stretches of the film are necessarily bad.  They just pale in comparison to the other sequences.

Most of Nolan’s films are big and twisty in nature.  It’s almost as if this time the twist is that there are no twists.  In fact, the only real Nolan touch is the garbed dialogue and droning soundtrack.  Oh, and I guess the fact that Hardy wears a cumbersome mask for most of the movie, which means it would make a good double feature with The Dark Knight Rises.  

Given the fact that it was a WWII movie directed by Christopher Nolan, I was anticipating Dunkirk to be a bit bloated.  Much to my surprise, it moved along at a steady clip.  The thing that prevents it from being one of his best is that the dramatics tend to get a bit repetitive as the film goes on as many set pieces are merely variations on a theme.  (Cowardly characters find their courage, ill-equipped characters knuckle up, guest stars stand around and frown, separate sets of characters face drowning, etc.)  Although it might be a lesser Nolan movie, it remains a solid war flick.

WITHOUT A PADDLE (2004) **

Three buddies (Matthew Lillard, Seth Green, and Dax Shepard) who have gone their separate ways come together for their childhood friend’s funeral.  They make good on a boyhood pact to look for D.B. Cooper’s treasure, and the trio goes out into the wilderness searching for the lost loot.  Along the way, they encounter a territorial bear, lose their canoe, and run afoul of some murderous redneck pot farmers (Ethan Suplee and Abraham Benrubi).  

Without a Paddle is an odd duck.  It goes from drama to comedy to action, often in jarring fashion.  It doesn’t work, mostly because it feels like it’s checking off a grocery list of genres rather than telling a straightforward story.  The early scenes of the friends reuniting feel like Stand by Me 2 and the scenes of the friends getting tangled up with the drug farmers feels like a dumb stoner comedy.  The stuff involving two sexy treehuggers particularly comes out of leftfield.  The fact that there are no less than five credited screenwriters leads me to suspect the script passed through too many hands who tossed in too many ideas and never settled on a cohesive tone.

It would be a different story if it was funny.  Unfortunately, it never stays on one particular tangent long enough to develop much comic momentum.  There’s an unfortunate Matrix sight gag, which really helps to date the movie, and lots of references to Deliverance, which makes sense as Burt Reynolds shows up late in the game as a grizzled old mountain man.  

The movie remains watchable throughout, if only because of the chemistry between Lillard, Green, and Shepard.  They are at the very least amusing, even if the flimsy script and tonal whiplashes often let them down.  If it wasn’t for their performances, Without a Paddle would’ve truly been… well… without a paddle.  

KATE (2021) **

Mary Elizabeth Winstead stars as Kate, an assassin on the verge of retiring.  Before she can even pull the trigger on her last job, she starts coughing up blood and wheezing like she’s got the ‘rona.  Turns out somebody poisoned her, and she only has a day or so to live.  Kate then spends her remaining hours hunting down the son of a bitch who slipped her the Mickey.  

Kate is pretty standard stuff.  It’s mostly a collection of cliches redressed and repurposed.  Not only is it a One Last Job movie, it’s a Yakuza flick, a Grizzled Mentor film (with Woody Harrelson as the grizzled mentor), a Solve Your Own Murder mystery (you know, the whole D.O.A. thing), an Assassin Befriending a Young Girl drama (like The Professional), and an If Your Grizzled Mentor is Played by Woody Harrelson, Chances are He Will Double-Cross You picture (like Solo:  A Star Wars Story).  None of this would’ve really mattered if we cared about the character, but we never really learn what makes Kate tick, other than the cliched “I’m a coldblooded assassin, but I won’t kill kids” angle.  

Nor would it have mattered if the action was crisp.  While the shootouts, hand-to-hand, and weapon fights are a hair better than most modern-day actioners, they don’t exactly knock your socks off or anything.  There are one or two good moments sprinkled about (like the fight in a cramped alleyway), but most of the time, the camera placement is less than optimal and the choreography leaves something to be desired.    

I like Winstead a lot but having her play a character whose main trait is to be sickly didn’t do her any favors.  I think she can be a tough and likeable action heroine.  It’s just that she needs to pick a better vehicle for her talents.  Harrelson has some good moments with her early on.  Whenever he’s on screen, the movie fitfully comes to life.  The rest of the time, Kate is a competent, albeit uninvolving revenge flick. 

BILL AND TED FACE THE MUSIC (2020) **

Well, it’s been nearly thirty years, but Bill and Ted are finally back.  Sadly, it is not the most triumphant return I was hoping for.  While it is fun to see Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves back in the roles again, their charm can only carry this hollow and unfunny belated sequel so far.  

The film starts off with a kernel of a good idea.  It’s been thirty years, and somehow Bill and Ted have failed to write the song that will save humanity as we know it.  For whatever reason, that kernel refuses to pop.  Bill and Ted Face the Music could’ve been a fun meditation on growing old, suffering a mid-life crisis, or the inability to claim one’s destiny.  Instead, the filmmakers lazily choose to rehash the first two flicks and Krazy Glue it all together.  Much like Bill and Ted waiting till the last minute to pull a song out of their ass to save the world, the screenwriters waited thirty years to pull the script out of their ass to make the movie.  

Perplexed that they haven’t written their epic song yet, Bill and Ted hop into their time-traveling phone booth to confront their future selves.  Meanwhile, their daughters (Samara Weaving and Brigette Lundy-Paine) go back in time to recruit several historical musicians to make a killer backing band for whenever the Hell Bill and Ted finish their song.  Speaking of Hell, Death (William Sadler) once again makes an appearance to remind everybody how great Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey was, but they forget to give him anything worthwhile to do.  It’s also a sore reminder what a lifeless (and unfunny) retread this is.  

Like I said, there was a solid idea on the outset.  I just can’t believe they waited thirty years, and this is all they came up with.  It feels more like a first draft than a polished screenplay.  The plot flows from A to B, big stars make obligatory cameos, and there are callbacks galore to the other films.  However, there are zero laughs to be had, and whatever goodwill we have towards these characters wears out its welcome long before they step into the phone booth again.  The big “twist” at the end is obvious from the get-go too.  Again, it wouldn’t matter if it was funny, but there’s surprisingly little heart or fun to be found.  Bogus!

NOBODY (2021) ****

With The Ben Stiller Show and Mr. Show, Bob Odenkirk proved he could do comedy.  With Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul he proved he could do drama.  With Nobody, Odenkirk proves he is a bona fide action star.  Is there anything this man can’t do?  

Nobody is a potpourri of action movie tropes expertly blended with the right amount of humor, heart, and thrills.  It contains elements of all the classics you love, John Wick, Taken, and Death Wish and pumps new blood into them.  It helps that the action sequences are exquisitely captured and choreographed, and the mayhem is brutal, bloody, and badass.  

Odenkirk stars as a meek family man eking out a dreary everyday existence.  One night, some home invaders break in and steal a couple of bucks, and he pretty much lets them go, which leads everyone around him to question his masculinity and role as protector to his family.  When he finds out the thieves also stole his daughter’s beloved kitty cat bracelet, he goes out on a quest for revenge.  Eventually, this leads to a tangle with the Russian Mob, which leads to an all-out one-man war.  

The escalation of events is part of the many joys of Nobody.  It kind of starts in one subgenre before dipping its toe into others.  By the time Odenkirk joins forces with his dad (Christopher Lloyd) and brother (RZA) to take down the Mob, it feels like something out of an Expendables movie.  In fact, this is the best action flick since The Expendables 2.  I mean, who needs Sly, Arnold, and Bruce when you have Bob Odenkirk, Christopher Lloyd, and RZA?  

Odenkirk’s mild-mannered performance is the glue that holds it all together.  With a glint of the eye, he turns from family man to psycho.  You might not think he can do some of these incredible action feats, but that’s exactly what the villains are thinking too.  They learn the same lesson as the audience:  Do not underestimate Bob Odenkirk.

The scene where he vents his frustrations on a bus load of punks is a thing of beauty.  It helps that guys like Daniel Bernhardt and Alain Moussi are among the punks he beats up as they lend an intimidating presence.  The fact that Odenkirk can hold his own with them and seem like a credible menace to them says it all.  

Director Ilya (Hardcore Henry) Naishuller gets all the credit in the world for keeping the action concise, clear, and crisp throughout.  I think we have finally turned a corner from the shaky-cam action of the ‘00s, but it must be stated when a director films the action in a fluid, breathtaking manner.  Even the close-quarters stuff (like the epic bus beatdown) is captured in such a way that you can see the major players and know the geography of the space they’re fighting in.  The shootouts are just as good as the hand-to-hand stuff.  The finale, which implements some Home Alone on steroids booby traps, is a thing of beauty.  

Action aficionados need to hop on this one.  I truly hope this becomes a franchise.  The world will be a better place if we can watch Bob Odenkirk beating up the scum of the earth every two or three years.  

PLAYBOY’S PLAYMATE GUIDE TO PHYSICAL FITNESS (1982) ***

Playboy Playmates Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke star in this Playboy workout video.  MTV was all the rage when this was released, so naturally, the aerobics sequences have the look, feel, and attention span of an early ‘80s music video.  Except, you know, with some occasional nudity.  

If you’re looking for something other than scenes of Playmates working out to pop music from the ‘70s and ‘80s, you might be disappointed.  Playmates run in slow motion to Olivia Newton-John’s “Heart Attack”, lift weights to the beat of The Commodores’ “Brick House”, perform aerobics set to Queen’s “Body Language”, and participate in nude calisthenics to Carl Carlton’s “Bad Mama Jama”.  (Naturally, the opening sequence is set to Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical”.)  

There’s no instruction whatsoever, so it’s not really the “Guide to Physical Fitness” it’s advertised to be.  It’s mostly just lots of close-ups of Playmate anatomy as it gyrates and undulates in a suggestive manner while exercising, which is even better, if you ask me.  The scene where they use a Nautilus while the camera lingers on their legs opening and closing is particularly amusing.  

The exercise sequences are pretty good, but the cooldown scenes are often more fun.  No aerobic instructions are necessary during the slow-motion Jacuzzi and/or nude massage segments, and that’s just the way I like it.  The best part though is when the Playmates take a relaxing nude sauna scored to the familiar sounds of “Nadia’s Theme”, from The Young and the Restless.  

If you’re watching Playboy’s Playmate Guide to Physical Fitness sheerly for the nudity, you might be a little disappointed as the ratio of clothed to nude workouts is about three to one.  At least one of the exercises was later recycled into Playmate Workout, which was released the next year.  That video had a lot more in terms of variety.  It was also an hour long.  This one’s half that length, which is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it’s much shorter, it also feels like it’s over just as it starts heating up.  However, if you’re looking for something low impact (take that anyway you like it), this should fit the bill.  

NIGHT KILLER (1990) ***

Night Killer was written and directed by Claudio Fragasso the same year he made the immortal Troll 2.  That means he was firing on all WTF cylinders when he made this looney tunes horror flick.  It falls just short of attaining the silly heights of Troll 2, but there are moments here that come awful close.  

The movie plays like a hodgepodge of a bunch of other movies rolled into one.  The opening scene is like something out of A Chorus Line where a bunch of dancers are rehearsing for a big production.  One of the dancers is attacked by a guy in a knockoff Freddy Krueger mask who drives his comedically large claw right through her stomach and out her back, Evil Dead style!  That’s three movies being ripped off in one scene!  I love it!  

The killer next sets his sights on Tara Buckman, who gets a great scene where she does a weird monologue topless to herself in the mirror.  Then, the killer menaces her on the phone a la When a Stranger Calls before sexually assaulting her.  The attack leaves Tara with amnesia.  Since she can’t identify the killer or herself, she tries to kill herself.  Luckily for her, some rapey asshole (Peter Hooten, the original Dr. Strange) keeps following her so she can’t do the job.  Unluckily for her, after he saves her life, he makes her do a bunch of kinky sex games, which leads to a bunch of 9 ½ Weeks kinds of shenanigans.  

I was all ready to christen this as a must-see WTF masterpiece, but about halfway through, the zaniness kind of dissipated a bit.  Not enough to completely derail the proceedings.  Just enough to keep it from being a bona fide bonkers classic.  The final shot is a real winner though.  

Still, there is plenty of lunacy early on to make Night Killer worth a look.  Heck, it’s worth seeing just for the hilarious dialogue.  I’m pretty sure if I quoted some of my favorite lines, I would get banned from Blogger for violating the site’s Terms of Service agreement.  However, the scene I can quote should be enough to make you want to see it.  It comes when the killer is playing a kinky sex game version of Little Red Riding Hood with a drunk babe and she says, “My, grandma, what a big schlong you have!”

THE ORPHAN (1979) **

A little boy named David (Mark Owens) loses both of his parents and goes to live with his aunt Martha (Peggy Feury) on her vast estate.  The withdrawn David starts playing with Tarot cards and makes an altar to a stuffed monkey.  He soon realizes he has more in common with the staff than his aunt, which pisses off the old battle axe.  Naturally, she fires the help, which further drives a wedge between her and David.  Tensions between the two grows intense when Aunt Martha accidentally kills David’s dog.  Eventually, the already disturbed David snaps.

The behind-the-scenes story of The Orphan is more interesting than what wound up on screen.  It was originally going to be called Friday the 13th but Paramount was able to finagle the title away from the producers.  The posters still kept the picture of a bloody calendar with the date of Friday the 13th in full display though, making people think it was somehow related to the popular franchise.  I’m sure anyone who watched this expecting Friday the 13th type of thrills were massively disappointed.

This is one of those slow burn kinds of deals.  The stabbing murder sequence isn’t badly staged.  It’s just that you have to wait over an hour to get to it.  The generous helpings of flashbacks and dream scenes don’t do much to speed up the sluggish pace.  Unfortunately, most of the suspense comes from Martha and David antagonizing each other.  If you’ve ever had to spend a summer with a bitchy relative, you’ll probably be able to sympathize with David.  

The Orphan is a mixed bag to be sure.  Some scenes are more weird than effective, the atmosphere is offbeat rather than scary, and the ending is more WTF than effective.  Sure, it doesn’t work as a whole, but it does have its moments.  (Like the tongue scene.)  Ultimately, the scariest thing about it is the awful love song by Janis Ian.  

AKA:  Friday the 13th… The Orphan.  AKA:  David.  AKA:  David (The Orphan).  AKA:  Killer Orphan.  

THE 15TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

Folks, you know what time it is.  It’s awards season.  And Hollywood likes nothing better than giving awards out.  Here in Delaware, I like to give out awards too.  In fact, I have been handing out Video Vacuum Awards for 15 years now!  Some of you have been there since the beginning, and for that, I thank you.  Who knows what the future holds for The Video Vacuum?  Well, I know what the present holds, and it’s a bunch of nominations!

BEST PICTURE

The Amusement Park 

Death Rider in the House of Vampires 

Nobody 

Pig 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home 

WORST PICTURE

Cosmic Sin

Eternals

Halloween Kills 

Paranormal Activity:  Next of Kin 

Willy’s Wonderland

BEST DIRECTOR

Glenn Danzig for Death Rider in the House of Vampires

Ilya Naishuller for Nobody

Michael Sarnoski for Pig

George A. Romero for The Amusement Park

Jon Watts for Spider-Man:  No Way Home

BEST ACTOR

Nicolas Cage for Pig

John Cena for The Suicide Squad

Josh Lawson for Mortal Kombat

Lincoln Maazel for The Amusement Park

Bob Odenkirk for Nobody

BEST ACTRESS

Kim Director for Death Rider in the House of Vampires

McKenna Grace for Ghostbusters:  Afterlife

Alana Haim for Licorice Pizza

Jennifer Lawrence for Don’t Look Up

Chloe Grace Moretz for Shadow in the Cloud

BEST ACTION MOVIE

F9

Mortal Kombat

Nobody

No Time to Die

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

Black Widow

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home

Venom:  Let There Be Carnage

Zack Snyder’s Justice League

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

The Amusement Park

Coming 2 America

Don’t Look Up

The Resonator:  Miskatonic U

Zack Snyder’s Justice League

BEST HORROR MOVIE

The Amusement Park

Death Rider in the House of Vampires

Don’t Breathe 2

Godzilla vs. Kong

Shadow in the Cloud

WORST HORROR MOVIE

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It

Halloween Kills

In the Earth

Paranormal Activity:  Next of Kin

Willy’s Wonderland

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE

Fried Barry

The Matrix Resurrections

Psycho Goreman

Reminiscence

The Resonator:  Miskatonic U

BEST SEQUEL

Coming 2 America

Don’t Breathe 2

Godzilla vs. Kong

The Matrix Resurrections

Spider-Man:  No Way Home

BEST TRAILER COMPILATION

The AGFA Horror Trailer Show

The AGFA Horror Trailer Show:  Videorage

The Best of Doris Wishman

The Curse of VHS Delirium

Drive-In Delirium:  The Final Conflict

Winners will be announced in the coming weeks after the votes have been tallied, the judges have been bribed, and/or when I get around to it…

DEFCON 2012 (2010) NO STARS

Well, there’s nothing like a global pandemic to make you wistful for the end of the world hysteria surrounding 2012.  Remember the good old days when the Mayan calendar foretold we were all gonna croak?  Memories.  Anyway, all the nostalgia in the world ain’t going to salvage this horrible mess.  

The first twenty minutes of this movie (if it can even be called that) feels like a bunch of different scenes, ideas, and leftover video game footage that was cut up with a hacksaw and fed into an UNO Attack game.  Then, the UNO Attack spit the footage all across the room where it was then edited together by a chimpanzee with ADHD.  

A guy finds a DVD that purports to be a documentary of how the world will end in 2012.  Then, we inexplicably jump thousands of years into the future where we see a bunch of spaceship special effects that look like they came out of a PC game from the ‘90s.  After that, we focus on a bunch of scavengers shuffling through the ruins of Earth, which is to say a bunch of guys in Laser Tag uniforms stumbling around an abandoned mall.  Eventually, they meet another group of survivors who can speak telepathically, which is good for the actors because they don’t have to remember their lines, but bad for the audience since they have to listen to the echo-y dialogue that is dubbed over the (non) action.  This dialogue competes with an already overcrowded soundtrack that is filled with constant narration by the alleged hero, which is stupefyingly abrasive.  After every two or three sentences, he quips, “Like I give a shit.”  Buddy, if you don’t give a shit, how do you expect the audience to?

It feels to me like the filmmakers couldn’t sell this piece of crap if their souls depended on it.  So, what they did was slap bookending segments that were tenuously related to the imminent 2012 apocalypse and put 2012 in the title.  That alone was probably enough to get a distributor in 2010, when the world was still curious about the possible destruction of the human race.  If they had made it in 2022, I’m sure they would’ve had to put a COVID plotline in the beginning and called it Defcon COVID-19 in order to secure distribution.    

A few weeks back, I declared The Nasty Rabbit the worst movie I had ever seen.  At least that flick had the benefit of Arch Hall, Jr.  Defcon 2012 can’t even boast that dubious distinction.  What I’m getting at here is that I kinda wished the world ended back in 2012 so I didn’t have to sit through this garbage.

AKA:  Worldend 2012.  AKA:  2012:  Armageddon.

RATPOCALYPSE (2015) *

Casper Van Dien stars as an American senator who’s been having nightmares of being attacked by rats.  He believes the dreams are a message from a higher power, so when he goes to Russia to give a speech, instead of sticking to the script, he launches into a bizarre tirade.  Live on global television, he states that Russian politicians will turn into rats unless they give up their corrupt ways.  Naturally, people laugh off his little outburst until, of course, politicians start turning into giant rats.  Soon, everybody looks to Van Dien for a cure, but he prefers to go into hiding with the help of two sexy Russian hookers (Victoria Summer and Linda Bella).  

Van Dien has the look of someone who’s only doing it for the money.  Who can blame him with a script like this?  Catherine Oxenberg (Van Dien’s real-life wife at the time) co-stars as his long-suffering wife.  I think she was only in it for a free trip to Russia with her hubby.  Both Summer and Bella have brief nude scenes, which helps somewhat.  

Writer/director/producer Vladimir Uglichin is kind of like a modern-day Russian equivalent of Ed Wood.  He wears his heart on his sleeve, but just doesn’t have the budget or talent to back up his unlikely premise.  For all I know, there might’ve been some deeper meaning to all the rat symbolism in the picture.  Maybe it would make more sense if I was Russian.  I guess I can give him a mulligan on that and assume something must’ve got lost in the translation.  Or maybe he’s just certifiably looney tunes.

When it comes to the rat people, the CGI effects are about as bad as you’d expect.  Maybe even a little worse.  With a title like Ratpocalypse, you may be expecting something in the vein of Sharknado.  However, this is more of a political satire than a horror movie, and a rather unfunny one at that.  It all adds up to one of the most perplexing bad movies I have seen in some time.  Uglichin might not be talented, but he is earnest, which at the very least keeps it from being a completely unwatchable mess.  

AKA:  Higher Mission.  AKA:  Rats or Love Women.  

THE WITCH (1956) ** ½

A doctor is working on a revolutionary anti-aging serum.  When he refuses to share it with his colleagues, they send some burglars to his home to retrieve it.  The burglars kill his daughter in the process, which drives the good doctor over the edge.  He then enlists the help of a tragically ugly woman to exact revenge on the men who murdered his daughter.  The doc uses his serum to make her beautiful and she in turn helps lure the killers to their death.  Complications ensue when she falls in love with one of her potential victims.  

The Witch is an odd blend of genres and inspirations that never quite mesh.  It’s one part mad scientist movie, one part Freaks rip-off (the doctor has a band of amputees that do his bidding), one part Les Misérables (the underground network of poor and unfortunates who aid the doctor), and one part My Fair Lady.  In fact, there are some stretches of the movie that play like Pretty Woman, but with lap dissolve transformation scenes.  

While it’s semi-amusing to see where the wacky plot will go next, it ultimately comes up short.  That said, I’m a sucker for these old school black and white Mexican horror movies.  They always feel like they are stuck in some kind of time warp.  Even though it was made in the mid-‘50s, it often feels like an American horror flick from a Poverty Row studio from the early ‘40s.  Director Chano Urueta (who would later go on to direct the classic Mexican horror shocker, The Brainiac) does deliver on the atmosphere, even if the plot kind of goes around in circles.  

Overall, The Witch is still kind of fun as far as these things go.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, but I still had an easy time figuring out what was going on, which is also a testament to Urueta’s direction.  It’s just that it has one or two subplots too many to make for a crackling horror flick.

ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL (1941) ***

People are all gaga for superhero cinema nowadays, but can you imagine a time when there were no superhero movies?  To find the first one, you have to go all the way back to 1941 with this twelve-chapter Republic Pictures serial.  The producers originally wanted to make a Superman serial, but when DC wanted too much money, they went to Fawcett Comics instead and secured the rights to Captain Marvel.  Naturally, DC later sued and bought up the rights to Captain Marvel before dropping the name and calling the character by his catchphrase, “Shazam!”  Then, Marvel came out with their own Captain Marvel and made her a woman, so you wouldn’t be confused that there were two Captain Marvels running around.  Got all that?

Anyway, Tom (The Mummy’s Hand) Tyler stars as Captain Marvel.  The young Billy Batson (Frank Coghlan, Jr.) accompanies an expedition to Siam to investigate a tomb.  When he refuses to raid the treasure, he is rewarded with the powers of Captain Marvel by the wizard Shazam.  All Billy has to do is say the word, “Shazam!” and he becomes Captain Marvel.  Meanwhile, the scientists from the expedition are targeted by the evil Scorpion who wants to build a death ray using artifacts found in the tomb.  

The flying scenes must’ve been really something for the time and remain OK by today’s standards.  In fact, many of the flying techniques pioneered here (a mix of rear screen projection and a dummy zipping around on a wire) would be used for decades after.  Also, Shazam’s powers (flying, deflecting bullets, and feats of strength) were most certainly the blueprint for the future screen versions of Superman.  What makes Shazam different from Superman is that when the chips are down, he will grab a machine gun and mow down a bunch of henchmen.  Rambo eat your heart out.  He also throws henchmen to their death (or at least their dummies anyway).  I know Batman has a “no killing” rule, but thankfully for the audience, Captain Marvel does not abide by it.  I mean this is the ‘40s we’re talking about here.  The Captain doesn’t have to follow all that Comics Code crap.  He can gleefully kill a bunch of henchmen, and all is right with the world.  

As is the case with most serials, it’s a bit tough to watch the entire thing in one sitting as it clocks in at over three and a half hours.  At least the cliffhangers have some variety to them, which makes Adventures of Captain Marvel a little better than your average serial.  The cliffhangers include exploding bridges, a cool motion-activated guillotine, exploding planes, runaway cars, and molten lava (a scene that was later repurposed in Radar Men from the Moon).

Tyler (who later went on to play another superhero, The Phantom three years later) is pitch perfect as Captain Marvel.  Although you just know he will escape each week’s episode unscathed, you still root like Hell for him.  It also helps that he only appears whenever Billy says “Shazam!”, which means he doesn’t wear out his welcome.  Coghlan, Jr. also does a good job as Billy Batson.  He has the right blend of “aw, shucks” wholesomeness but can still hold his own in a fight.  Sometimes, he doesn’t resort to transforming into Captain Marvel to save people, which is a nice touch.  It was also fun to see Ed Wood regular Kenne Duncan as The Scorpion’s right-hand man.  

THE MEATEATER (1979) **

Mitford (Peter Spitzer) is a family man who retires from his swell paying gig selling shoes to open a rundown old movie theater with his family.  Opening night does not go well.  The projectionist is electrocuted, and a dead body is found hanging behind the screen.  Despite that little hiccup, our hero is still determined to keep the theater open.  Unfortunately, there is a crazy old man (Arch Joboulian) who’s obsessed with Jean Harlow lurking about the premises.  He starts offing more people and eventually sets his sights on Mitford’s daughter (who is a dead ringer for Harlow) as his next victim.

Let’s get this out of the way.  I don’t know why the heck this is called The Meateater.  I mean the old guy chows down on a rat in the opening scene, but that’s about it.  So, if you go into this one thinking it’s going to be about cannibalism or something, you’re going to be massively disappointed.  

Sure, there are some long, dull stretches, but The Meateater has a weird energy only a late ‘70s homegrown horror production can offer.  There are a couple of fun bits (like the electrocution scene) and Z movie touches (the detective’s mustache disappears midway through) to ensure it’s not a total waste.  I especially dug the fact that the family books a nature documentary about a jungle safari as their first feature.  They advertise it as a “wholesome movie”, but it contains a scene of animals humping.  

These moments only crop up sporadically, so I can’t quite recommend it.  However, this is one of those movies that’s more fun to think about in retrospect.  I was kind of restless while watching it, but I found myself smiling a lot while writing the review.  The pacing is erratic, and the finale is weak, which didn’t help.  At least there’s some decent gore in the final minutes.  

The dialogue is good for some chuckles too.  I liked it when the detective gets his inept partner to cut the corpse down from the rafters.  When its head pops off, he yells, “Be careful!  That used to be a human being!”  Mitford’s wife gets the best line of the movie while cleaning up the theater:  “There’s pigeon B.M. everywhere!”

AKA:  Blood Theater.