(Streamed via Hulu)
My hope going into the new Hellraiser was that it would at the very least be better than the last six installments. It really wasn’t asking a whole lot as they were without a doubt some of the worst DTV sequels ever made. Sadly, this dreary reboot could’ve even clear that incredibly low bar.
I guess I should’ve known it was going to suck since it went straight to Hulu. The last time Hulu released a Clive Barker adaptation we got the abysmal Books of Blood. Shockingly enough, this might even be worse than that turd.
The first thing you should know about Hellraiser ’22 is that it is over two hours long. There is no reason why any Hellraiser movie needs to be that length. As bad as Hellraiser 9 and 10 were, at least they were short. In fact, you could almost watch them back-to-back in the time it takes you to sit through this thing.
Odessa A’zion stars as a former drug addict fighting to stay clean. She has a fight with her brother about rent, so she and her boyfriend figure stealing a mysterious box and fencing it will put them in the money. Little does she know the box is the Lament Configuration, and when she opens it, the box sends her brother straight to Hell. She does some research on the box and traces it back to a reclusive billionaire who…
Yes, this is all plot that happens BEFORE Pinhead (Jamie Clayton) shows up. In fact, you have to wait SEVENTY minutes before she makes any kind of significant appearance. At least at this point, if you were watching Hellraiser 9, it would be over, but this one still has a full FIFTY flippin’ minutes to go.
If you ask me, director David Bruckner (taking a huge nosedive in quality from his last film, The Night House, which I reviewed the other day), should’ve cut back on all the Junkie Nancy Drew shit and got right to the Cenobite action. Then again, the Cenobite action isn’t much to write home about either. In fact, we only get ONE single cool moment when Pinhead sticks one of her pins into a dude’s neck and we see a POV shot from INSIDE his throat as the pin goes all the way through to the other side. That lone moment of invention just can’t justify freaking two hours’ worth of drudgery.
The slight redesign of Pinhead’s look is OK. Jamie Clayton tries to do what she can with the role, although she isn’t given a whole lot to work with. She isn’t a patch on Doug Bradley, but she can rest assured she is easily the second-best Pinhead.
I heard there’s now a Hellraiser TV series in development. Since it’s directed by Halloween’s David Gordon Green, that will probably suck too. Maybe if they’re smart, they’ll finally let the franchise go to Hell where it belongs.
Books of Blood was perfectly fine as was this film, you are dead wrong here. David Gordon Green is a damn good director so the TV series will be fine. I also didn't mind 9 and 10 that much.
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