TAROT (2024) ***

Tarot has a good hook to hang a horror flick on.  It’s so good that it is somehow able to overcome the PG-13 rating and still deliver the goods.  If your film is carrying a PG-13 rating, it’s pretty much a given you’re not going to be tossing the gore around and letting the T & A jiggle and wiggle.  So, what you have to do is give your flick some style, atmosphere, and a sense of humor.  Tarot more or less checks all those boxes and is a surprisingly good time, mostly because it… ahem… plays its cards right. 

The film is basically Ouija meets Thirteen Ghosts with a little bit of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Final Destination thrown in.  A group of friends rent a mansion for the weekend.  While looking for booze, they stumble into a basement that would give the Warrens the creeps.  There, they find a mysterious deck of old tarot cards and the witchy one of the group performs readings for her friends.  Before you can say “Miss Cleo”, her friends begin dying off in ways described by the cards. 

As an added bonus, the victims’ final card takes on a life of its own to deliver the killing blow.  Such villains include The High Priestess, The Hermit, The Fool, and even Death himself.  Each has their own little gimmick.  For example, The Hangman uses a rope to hang one girl and The Magician locks a gal in a box and saws her in half.  Even though the flick is PG-13 this scene is still effective as the shots of the saw blade coming perilously close to the gal’s kicking legs works rather well.  The scene involving a ladder is also fairly brutal given the rating. 

The fact that the potential victims can outsmart Death if they heed the warnings in their reading is a smart little wrinkle.  Naturally, since this is a horror movie, many of them still manage to make dumb choices.  Sure, some of the backstory wasn’t really necessary (they should’ve saved it for a sequel), but for the most part, this is a solid flick. 

Our local theater does bargain shows on Tuesdays for $7.50.  That’s how I saw Tarot, and I would say I got my money’s worth.  So far, 2024 is shaping up to be a banner year for horror.

FOXY FOOD FIGHT (1987) ***

Women’s mud wrestling is one of the finest American institutions known to man. I mean how do you top that?  Well, you replace mud with food. 

The pre-entertainment show features contestants coming out dressed up as various foods like bananas, grapes, and hamburgers.  At first, I was afraid things were gonna get too literal with the gals wrestling in food costumes.  Luckily, they quickly eschewed their food-themed wardrobe, donned some bikinis, and went into action.  Oh, and the ring announcer was dressed as a chef, which I thought was a nice touch. 

The first fight has two bikini-clad combatants rolling around in a bed of lettuce.  During the match, one gal shoves a fistful of lettuce down the back of her opponent’s thong which gives new meaning to the term “tossing the salad”.  The main course finds two contestants battling in a pool of spaghetti.  Cooked pasta, as it turns out, also makes for an effective whip.  This match also includes a great moment where one of the fighters shoves the noodles inside her thong and shakes it around like a horse’s tail.  The “Dessert Round” finds the wrassling women going toe to toe in a vat of whipped cream. 

The video cinematography is acceptable for what it is.  It was filmed at the Whisky a Go-Go rather than some random strip club, so you know it’s a classy affair.  The editing is a little weird at times as every fighter’s entrance is shown as part of the same segment.  I mean, it would’ve made more sense to only show their entrance for each contestants’ fight.  (The random use of slow motion during the fights doesn’t really work either.)  Then again, it’s hard to complain when they all enter the ring in sexy themed outfits like Miss America, an Air Force officer, and a pirate. 

There’s also a neat gimmick of new food being added in between rounds like carrots and tomatoes in the salad fight, tomato sauce in spaghetti fight, and cherries are added in during dessert.  While there are many near-nips slips, everything is pretty PG-13 for the most part.  Sure, it won’t replace women’s mud wrestling any time soon, but Foxy Food Fight offers up a fun variation on the theme, nevertheless. 

Foxy Oil Wrestling followed. 

GINGER LYNN ALLEN’S SUPERBODY (1993) ***

You all know me.  You know how I earn my living.  You know I love me some celebrity workout videos.  You also know I love me some porn stars, especially ones from the ‘80s.  So, when I find something like Ginger Lynn Allen’s Superbody on YouTube, I just have to watch it.  I’m not sure if this was Ginger’s answer video to Jazz Warm-up to Traci Lords or if she already had an idea to make her own exercise video.  Perhaps having two competing porn star workout videos was a happy accident.  Either way, I’m glad they both exist. 

In the intro, Ginger says her routine is a combination of “Yoga, body sculpting, and low impact aerobics”.  She begins with some floor stretches before moving on to what looks like a mix of yoga and dancercise.  Then, it’s back to the floor for some “Butt Lifters” (which sounds like the name of a movie Ginger would’ve starred in), leg lifts, and crunches.  Finally, we end with some breathing exercises. 

As workout videos go, Ginger Lynn’s Superbody offers nothing too strenuous for the viewer.  If you’re looking to perform an actual workout routine along with the video, you may find it useful, especially if you’re a beginner.  But let’s face it.  This thing solely exists for guys like me to watch Ginger Lynn In tight white workout clothes undulating around on the floor. 

The set is very industrial looking, which is a sharp contrast to the relaxing narration and soft, soothing music.  There’s also a giant fan behind Ginger and her two models that create a silhouette reminiscent of lighting in a film noir movie.  (The use of black and white in some scenes enhances this feeling.)  Overall, it kinda looks like a set from a cheap Sci-Fi movie and is far removed from the homey settings featured in most celebrity workout videos.  That’s part of what makes it interesting though.

All of Ginger’s instructions come in the form of voiceover.  Because of her monotone delivery, along with the New Age soundtrack, it almost plays better as ASMR than as a workout video.  Then again, if you’re watching this, you’re probably just watching it for Ginger, and not so much the exercise. 

Despite her profession, there’s nothing outwardly pornographic here, although Ginger shows off some cleavage here and there and sports major camel toe in many shots.  Also, the slow-motion cheesecake shots of Ginger enjoying her exercise are more sexy than instructional.  Not that I am complaining.  The scenes of her on all fours and rhythmically undulating are pretty hot too.  I guess this is about as naughty as Ginger is allowed to be on a workout tape.  That said, it’s still rather steamy.

AKA:  Superbody Workout.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: KIDS IN THE HALL: BRAIN CANDY (1996) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Kids in the Hall:  Brain Candy was a flop at the time of release (I have fond memories of braving a blizzard to see it at the movies and being the only one in the theater) although fans and even the creators seem to hate it.  (The sketch about the movie finally making its money back on the first episode of the new reboot was pretty funny though.)  I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for it.  Sure, translating a sketch comedy show to a feature length movie is a tricky thing.  I’ll admit the plot doesn’t exactly lend itself to their brand of humor either (although it does give them an excuse to dust off some of their characters who are mostly relegated to cameos).  I remember thinking when I first saw it that a comedy about the pharmaceutical industry was a weird angle to hang a sketch comedy movie around.  Nowadays, it seems like every time you turn on TV you see commercials for various drugs, so I have to wonder if it was actually just ahead of its time.  Either way, there is some wickedly funny stuff here, which is all that really matters. 

Chris (Kevin McDonald) is a scientist who creates a wonder drug to cure depression.  Naturally, it needs a bunch more tests but when the CEO of the pharmaceutical company (Mark McKinney) threatens his job, he pushes it through to market.  At first, it seems to be a miracle cure, but side effects eventually kick in and it’s up to Chris to make things right. 

Although I miss some of the more famous sketch characters, the cast is great as usual.  Some of the highlights are Dave Foley’s “Just a Guy”, Bruce McCullough as Cancer Boy, and Scott Thompson gets a great gay musical number.  I know a lot of fans look down their nose at it, but for this fan, it gave me plenty of big laughs.  If you can just turn off your brain, there’s plenty of candy to be had.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HEAT (1995) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on April 15th, 2012)

Whenever a director remakes his own film, it can be a bit odd, and the results can be mixed. Heat is Michael Mann’s remake of his TV movie L.A. Takedown. Because it stars Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, I’d say this is one case where a remake was justified.

Yeah, Heat is a pretty big deal pairing of two living legends (and Val Kilmer too). The downside is that their screen time together is very brief. Also, the length is a bit of an issue too because it really didn’t need to be three hours long. Essentially, what we have is two 90-minute movies. One features De Niro planning and executing heists and the other has policeman Pacino trying to catch him. They only occasionally intersect, but there are plenty of sparks between them, so you tend not to notice that the storyline is a bit thin. (After three goddamned hours, all we learn is that Criminals Are People Too and Cops Have a Personal Lives, Ya Know.) Because Mann has to split time between Pacino and De Niro, he has to switch gears fairly often throughout the course of the movie. Not enough to completely derail the film, but it does get a bit irksome after a while.

The first act is kinda slow and the big heist is staged rather clumsily (people just kinda run around firing guns), but the third act is by far the most interesting. It’s here where we see all of the characters’ decisions catching up with them. I particularly liked the scene at the end (SPOILER) where De Niro breaks his personal code, which causes him to get caught. My favorite scene though is when Kilmer is about to be reunited with his wife (Ashley Judd) and she warns him to stay away. It’s a rather touching scene and is just as memorable as the showier and highly touted Pacino/De Niro verbal showdown.

Pacino has a couple moments where he overacts to the point of gorging on the scenery. Mostly, he goes over the top when he’s shaking down and/or intimidating suspects and snitches. Not that I’m complaining, because his blustering keeps potentially stale scenes popping. Conversely, De Niro underplays things; perhaps a bit too much. His love subplot also kinda slows things down, but he’s aces whenever he’s commanding his crew. The supporting cast is stellar too as Kilmer, Tom Sizemore, Diane Verona, Natalie Portman, Jon Voight, Danny Trejo, and Tom Noonan turn in damned fine performances.

Mann directed The Insider next.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I’ve always considered Heat to be on the good, not great spectrum.  Most of the problems have to do with the unwieldy length.  There’s nothing wrong with the performances (especially whenever Pacino is chewing the scenery), and it’s fun seeing De Niro and Pacino on screen matching wits even if it’s only for a few precious moments.  The action is fairly strong too, but there’s just too many lulls in between the good stuff for me to call this one a classic. 

4K UHD NOTES:  

This was the first disc I bought after getting a 4K player for Christmas.  I picked it up for only $7 at Best Buy (a few weeks before they stopped selling physical media).  I’d say I got my money’s worth as the transfer is fine, but nothing that exactly knocks your socks off.  I thought the picture looked a little dark in places, and after I watched it, I found out online that apparently Mann tinkered with the color timing for this version.  So, if you’re a die-hard fan of its original incarnation, I’d say stick with your old Blu-Ray or DVD.  Then again, if you can pick this up for under $10 like I did, I’d say it would be worth adding to your collection.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HEY FOLKS! IT’S INTERMISSION TIME MIXTAPE (2024) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

The fiends at the American Genre Film Archive have teamed up with the weirdos of Something Weird to bring to Blu-Ray the entire collection of the Hey Folks!  It’s Intermission Time series.  This mixtape was included on the set and it’s a breezy and fun compilation of the six volumes of intermission ads and drive-in snipes.  If you don’t have time to watch all six entries, you can check out this compilation and catch many of the highlights in just about an hour’s time. 

It’s more than just a Greatest Hits package though.  Throughout the presentation, the folks at AGFA show their mischievous side by taking their scissors to some of the commercials and concession stand ads and re-editing and redubbing them for comedic effect.  These moments kind of reminded me of the stuff they used to do on Night Flight back in the day.  I’m not saying all the jokes land, but the running gag of the local ad for “Cox Motors” cropping up at inopportune moments certainly had me laughing. 

All of this is done in good fun.  However, If this sort of thing ruffles your feathers, and you would just rather see non-stop drive-in ads and concession stand commercials in their original and unaltered form, there are still plenty of fun clips to enjoy.  (The jaw dropping short film about milk featuring a milkman and his obnoxious alien hand puppet is worth the price of admission on its own.)  Besides, there are six whole collections in the set.  If you don’t feel like watching some of the comic additions, just skip this one and dive right into the other compilations instead.  If you’re like me and are a die-hard Something Weird fan and AGFA aficionado, or if you just love these old kinds of compilations, this will be a lot of fun.  Either way, this set will be the perfect addition to your home video collection. 

REBEL MOON: PART ONE: A CHILD OF FIRE (2023) **

One of the best parts of the Star Wars phenomenon in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s was the glut of Star Wars rip-offs that were made in the wake of its success.  Sadly, we never got a resurgence of the genre when the prequels and sequels hit.  Rebel Moon began life as an official Star Wars project with Zack Snyder at the helm.  When Disney eventually passed on it, he retooled the script and took it to Netflix.  Now, the idea of a Zack Snyder Star Wars movie was promising enough, but a Zack Snyder Star Wars rip-off, in theory, should’ve had limitless possibilities.  For one, it would’ve freed him from having to acknowledge decades of lore and would’ve allowed him to do his own thing.  It’s a shame that none of it really works.

Rebel Moon is basically Seven Samurai in space.  Intergalactic fascists come to a small farming planet and demand two seasons’ worth of harvest in two months.  Instead of kowtowing to their demands, a tough farm girl named Kora (Sofia Boutella) goes out and finds some ruffians to help defend her village. 

Of course, a Seven Samurai-inspired space opera was already done as the Roger Corman-produced Battle Beyond the Stars, one of the very Star Wars rip-offs I was taking about before.  You would think this sort of thing would be in Snyder’s wheelhouse, given his knack for grand scale fights and penchant for excess.  Sadly, neither are really on display here. 

Admittedly, some of this isn't bad.  I liked the robot (voiced by Anthony Hopkins) who finds some semblance of humanity and decides to fight alongside the farmers.  I dug the variation on the old cowboy theme of taming a wild bronco, but instead of a horse, this time it’s a giant raven.  Ray Fisher also brings a few sparks late in the game as a resistance fighter who joins the cause. 

A few hallmarks of an old-fashioned Star Wars rip-off are present (there’s a cantina scene and someone brandishes fake lightsabers), however they are kind of weak.  The fact that Snyder was unbuttoned by the Star Wars mythology should’ve given him a clean slate to work with.  However, he fails to come up with a memorable lore of his own.  Also, the designs of the various creatures and spaceships are uninspired and underwhelming.  The recruiting scenes of the various antiheroes and hired guns feel rushed too.  Some of them even feel like parts from an entirely other movie that Snyder shoehorned in there (like the spider lady scene). 

Boutella is pretty bland in the lead too.  She’s capable in her action scenes, but doesn’t have the screen presence to really carry the film.  Ed Skrein is similarly bland and unmemorable as the villain. 

Like most two-parters (I’m thinking specifically of Dune), the climax is on a smaller scale and not all that satisfying.  Maybe Part Two will be better.  Then again, this one was so underwhelming, I’m not exactly sure when I’ll get around to watching the sequel. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE: A WORLD OF DESIRE (1994) ***

FORMAT:  VHS

Krista Allen returns as Emmanuelle in the second installment in the Emmanuelle in Space series.  In the first of three stories, Emmanuelle takes a shy alien named Theo (Timothy Di Pri) to visit a Hefner-esque media mogul.  They stay at his half-assed Playboy Mansion where he gets it on with a sexy Asian maid.  After losing his alien cherry, Theo falls for a shy stable girl and together they take a literal roll in the hay.  

The attempts at comedy fall flat (like the alien’s first clumsy pass at lovemaking), but this segment is still a lot of fun.  It’s yet another solid vehicle for the talents of Allen.  She’s incredibly sexy in this segment and appears at several scintillating sex scenes, my favorite being her steamy self-love session on a leather sofa.  

In the next story, Emmanuelle goes to Tibet to find a monk to help the aliens understand tantric sex.  This time, it’s a female crewmember who gets a chance to experience earthbound erotic pleasure.  Unlike her male counterparts, she’s a quick study and more than eager to get down with some Tibetan studs.

I’m not sure if they were trying to bridge this segment to the previous Emmanuelle series from ’93 by including Tibetan monks, but it’s a nice touch, nevertheless.  It also picks up on the carefree spirt that made the ‘70s Emmanuelle series so much fun.  Once again, Allen gets all the best scenes, including a lesbian tryst and a three-way.

In the final tale, Theo flees the spaceship and returns to Earth to be with his true love.  Emmanuelle follows him in hot pursuit.  Along the way, Emmanuelle gets sidetracked when she gets involved with some gypsies and falls for their ringleader.  

This is the weakest story, but it still has its moments.  The biggest problem is the scene where Emmanuelle receives a sensual sponge bath from two gypsy women.  This is a great set-up for a sexy sequence, but somehow Allen manages to keep her clothes on the whole time, which is disappointing.  Luckily, whenever she is front and center getting naked (which is often), things get quite hot.

Despite some missteps here and there, this is still one of the better entries in the Emmanuelle in Space saga.  There is a nice variety in the way of the couplings and the supporting cast has a heavy concentration of ethnic (mostly Asian) beauties.  The alien stuff isn’t as forced as in some of the sequels either.  Plus, there’s a lot more sex than in the first installment, which certainly helps carry it over the lulls.

AKA:  Emmanuelle in Space 2:  A World of Desire.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE: FIRST CONTACT (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

A year after the Sylvia Kristel Emmanuelle cable series debuted, the property was rebooted with a Sci-Fi slant.  The Emmanuelle in Space series, like the one that preceded it, was seven films long and was produced by Alain Siritzky.  As with the ’93 Emmanuelle series, it is three episodes of the TV show stitched together to make one feature.  

The first story establishes the premise of the entire show.   Aliens come to Earth seeking sex education lessons.  Lucky for them, their leader, Haffron (Paul Michael Robinson) runs into Emmanuelle (now played by Krista Allen), who knows a thing or two about sexual pleasure.  He beams her back to his spaceship and she gives him a quickie lesson.  Haffron is impressed with her skills and implores her to return to Earth to find other partners willing to show the aliens a good time.

Emmanuelle:  First Contact is far from perfect, but it helps that the Alien Seeking Sex with Earth Women subgenre is one of my favorite Skinamax subgenres.  Even if the film itself is less than (inter)stellar, the overall goofiness of the premise is endearing.  The fish-out-of-water scenes of the aliens having awkward sexual encounters are amusing enough, as are the scenes where the alien crew members don Virtual Reality headsets and watch while Emmanuelle gets it on.

The second episode has Emmanuelle taking Heffron on a cruise.  She transforms herself into another woman and tells him to come find her, stating he’ll know her by her “essence”.  After banging three women, he finally figures out who she is.

The comedy is just as sharp in this segment.  The bed-hopping scenes play like an old timey bedroom farce.  It also contains some of the same globe-hopping charm of the ‘93 Emmanuelle series as Emmanuelle and Heffron wind up in Egypt by the end of the episode.

The final segment has Emmanuelle and another alien crew member visiting her musician friend whose career has stalled because she can’t get over her ex-husband.  He seduces her and together they create beautiful music.  They claim they want to get married, but Emmanuelle knows that the relationship will never work.  She then enlists Heffron’s help to drive them apart.

This episode contains a few decent interracial scenes.  That helps give this sequence a different flavor.  It also contains some pretty funny business with Heffron trying to figure out how to use a condom.  The body-switching stuff is quite amusing too and helps to make this the best story of the three.

As with the other Emmanuelle cable series, Emmanuelle is able to change her form.  Instead of using magic perfume, she masters the art of alien mind control to alter her appearance.  It’s goofy to be sure, but it’s not nearly the dumbest thing we’ve been forced to believe in an Emmanuelle movie.  

The humor and Sci-Fi silliness of Emmanuelle:  First Contact is its chief asset.  Unfortunately, it’s lacking in the one department we watch an Emmanuelle movie for:  The sex.  While there are plenty of sex scenes to be had, many of them suffer from constant cutaways to other characters or landscapes during the action, which gets distracting.  They also contain far too much slow motion, which prevents them from getting steamy.  The poor, overly dark lighting doesn’t help matters either.

Despite all that, it’s still marginally recommended, if only to see Allen’s winning performance.  She was an excellent choice to replace Kristel and help keep the character moving forward.  Allen is a likeable presence and certainly seems game during her sex scenes.  Her winsome innocence helps to glue the uneven sequences together.  Throughout it all, she proves to be a genuinely funny comedienne in addition to a sultry Skinamax siren.

AKA:  Emmanuelle in Space:  First Contact.  AKA:  Emmanuelle:  Queen of the Galaxy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LADY EMANUELLE (1989) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Emanuelle (Malu) finds out her grandmother was none other than Lady Chatterley herself.  After reading granny’s diaries, it doesn’t take long for Emanuelle to become obsessed with her family legacy.  (Namely, fucking.)  She then asks a sexy writer named Leona (Micaela) to turn the diaries into a novel, much to the dismay of her asshole husband Michael (Gianni Macchia), who is anything but a romantic.  Tired of his overbearing ways, Emanuelle finds love with her writer friend who takes her on a journey of sexual discovery.  Together, they smoke a hookah and hookah up with a sexy Chinese babe, bang in a sauna, and torment her husband’s friend by forcing him to cross-dress.  Later, Leona makes her bang a bunch of dudes while she watches. Their relationship is soon threatened when Emanuelle falls in love with a younger man. 

Now, I know she isn’t really THE Emmanuelle (or even the fake Emanuelle), but the idea that Emanuelle is a descendent of Lady Chatterley is a nice enough hook to hang a fake Emanuelle Skinamax movie on.  Too bad it pretty much abandons the idea about halfway through.  It also got a little too plot-heavy for me near the end.  However, the abundance of skin makes it all go down rather smoothly. 

Most of this is fairly standard and straightforward stuff.  It also doesn’t help that many of the scenes early on tend to be a little rapey.  There is at least one amusing scene where Emanuelle and her gal pal are accosted on the beach by a roving gang of dirt bike-riding hooligans.  Also, the couplings are on the samey side as Emanuelle is either banging her hubby or Leona for the first two acts.  Luckily, once her lesbian lover makes her bang other dudes for fodder for her next book, things spice up a bit.  

Sure, there’s probably too much plot coming down the homestretch when the movie probably needed more humping, but it's mostly enjoyable.  On the plus side, we get a pretty funny scene where Leona seduces Emanuelle using a pair of chopsticks.  I can honestly say I have never seen that before in a Skinamax movie, so… ** ½. 

DURAN DURAN: THERE’S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW (2019) ***

Duran Duran:  There’s Something You Should Know is a breezy, short, and snappy documentary about the best band of the ‘80s.  Filled with candid interviews with the band members, old and new concert footage, scenes of the group on tour, getting mobbed by teenage girls, and of course, snippets from their iconic music videos, this is a fine “play the hits” look at the band.  Fans looking for something that scratches deeper than the surface may be a little disappointed.  Still, for a die-hard like me, it worked as a fun little trip down memory lane. 

The best scenes focus on the formation of the group.  I especially loved the bit where they reunite and sit in their first “tour bus” (a cramped sports car) and listen to their old demos.  It’s equally cool seeing Simon Le Bon returning to his old church and listening to old records of him as a choir boy.  The band’s whirlwind rise to superstardom is charted and highlighted by selections of some of their best songs.  After their record-setting Seven and the Ragged Tiger tour, the group splinters and eventually reforms to find a career second wind with their comeback record, The Wedding Album. 

Although it stops short of being a “warts and all” documentary, I admire the film for at least showing some of the backstage-in fighting and nitpicking between the band members.  My biggest gripe however was that their song, “A View to a Kill” (arguably their best work) wasn’t even mentioned!  I don’t know if the James Bond producers denied them permission to use the song or what, but to have a documentary on a band and not include one of their most iconic numbers is a bit infuriating.  Other than that glaring omission, this is a solid doc that doesn’t set out to reinvent the wheel.  Because of that, Duran Duran fans will no doubt be appeased.