LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GET CRAZY (1983) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Directed by Rock n’ Roll High School’s Allan Arkush, Get Crazy is similar in tone to that classic (just imagine if it had just taken a handful of amphetamines).  Allen Garfield stars as a theater owner putting on a big New Year’s Eve show with a half-dozen rock and blues acts.  (I was originally going to watch this on New Year’s Eve to close out the Let’s Get Physical column, but it just didn’t work out that way.)  Ed Begley Jr. is a sleazy record producer who wants to buy the building out from under him.  When Garfield refuses, he plans to blow the place up at midnight.  Meanwhile, the stage manager (Daniel Stern) tries to wrangle all the performers backstage and get the show on the road. 

Get Crazy lacks the cohesive center that made Rock n’ Roll High School such a classic.  However, the film’s freewheeling anarchic spirit is infectious.  Much of the movie feels like a filmed Mad Magazine parody.  Some of the random bits of craziness are truly inspired.  My favorite character is the extraterrestrial (?) robot (?) drug dealer named Electric Larry.  Arkush’s scattershot approach sometimes yields less than hysterical results though.  (Stern’s romantic daydreams are especially unfunny.)

That said, it’s worth watching for the music, as well as the amazing cast.  We have Lou Reed as a reclusive folk singer, Malcolm McDowell doing a spot-on Mick Jagger impression (McDowell once told me at a horror convention that Jagger refused to speak to him after he saw the movie), Fear’s Lee Ving as a headbanging punk rocker, and The Doors’ John Densmore as McDowell’s drummer (who plays the drums with chicken drumsticks in one scene).  Roger Corman regulars Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and Jackie Joseph also pop up, and Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer appear briefly as groupies.  Underrated hottie Anna (More American Graffiti) Bjorn also puts in a memorable turn as McDowell’s main squeeze.  The soundtrack is worth picking up too, and the title tune by Sparks is a straight-up banger. 

Well, that wraps things up for the Let’s Get Physical column.  It was kind of exhausting at times, but it was a lot of fun.  I don’t plan on doing another daily watching column this year, but I probably will do the 31 Days of Horror-Ween this October (which went by the wayside in 2024 since I was so preoccupied with Let’s Get Physical).  I hope you all have a great New Year!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BIKINI PLANET (2002) **

FORMAT:  DVD

It’s easy to see why this movie was paired with Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen as part of a DVD double feature.  Both movies are ‘50s Sci-Fi spoofs about astronauts visiting two planets that have fused together.  Only in this one, the two planets are made to look like a pair of giant tits, and instead of a planet populated by cavewomen, it’s a planet full of sexy babes in bikinis.  Bikini Planet isn’t nearly as successful as Voyage though, despite the benefit of having a few familiar faces in the cast.  (And by “familiar faces”, I mean Conrad Brooks from Plan 9 from Outer Space plays the Vice President.)

Although the movie tries to replicate the look of the old ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks, it all feels kind of halfhearted.  The interiors of the rocket ship look like something from the old space operas (the astronauts sit in office chairs), but the exteriors are done using cheap looking CGI.  Had the filmmakers used a simple spaceship model, it would’ve felt a lot more authentic.  The crappy CGI asteroid effects look awful too.  No matter how bad practical effects look, they are always preferable to computerized ones, especially for a spoof like this. 

It does have a neat gimmick where it’s black and white during the spaceship scenes but switches over to color once the astronauts arrive on the planet.  I also liked the explanation as to why all the women on the planet had big boobs.  (The atmosphere has a high concentration of silicone.)  Stephanie Beaton (a veteran of many Witchcraft sequels) is also pretty good as the sexy bikini princess. 

The big problem is that the alien babes never slip out of their bikinis.  A little T & A would’ve gone a long way to salvage much of the dumb humor.  It also doesn’t help that the sex scenes are only there for comedic effect.  Naturally, they aren’t very funny (or sexy).  There are also lots of jokes about Beanie Babies and one character is supposed to be a spoof of Monica Lewinsky (played by porn star Jacklyn Lick), which really makes it feel dated.  We do get a couple of alien bikini pool party scenes, although it just looks like the director just shot footage of the wrap party and put it into the movie. 

SATURDAY NIGHT (2024) ***

Ivan Reitman made a lot of movies starring Saturday Night Live cast members.  I guess it was only fitting that his son Jason (who had already picked up the reigns to his father’s Ghostbusters franchise) would make a movie about SNL.  As expected, there’s a lot of hero worship at play here.  If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll probably enjoy it. 

The film chronicles the chaotic struggle to get the show ready for its premiere episode.  Facing enormous pressure from the network, producer Lorne Michaels (Gabriel LaBelle) has to wrangle wild cast members, a less than enthusiastic crew, and pestering censors to bring to show to air. 

If you are familiar with the events surrounding the first taping, you might have a leg up on casual viewers as Reitman drops you into the thick of things with little background or set up.  He plows forward full steam ahead and never looks back.  The long takes and overlapping soundtrack are at times reminiscent of a Robert Altman movie.  Unlike Altman films, the characters never really stand out.  That’s mostly due to the ticking time bomb nature of trying to get the show on the air.  However, it’s a tad disappointing considering how colorful the characters were in real life. 

Only Michaels and Dick Ebersol (Cooper Hoffman) really feel like fully developed characters as they are constantly at odds at what the show should be about.  The cast members who essay the roles of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players do a fair job playing their well-known counterparts.  It’s just a shame that they are mostly kept on the periphery of the film’s drama. 

Overall, I enjoyed Saturday Night, but I can’t help but think what Reitman might’ve been capable of if he had given the script another polish.  Still, it’s fun seeing who is going to pop up in small roles (like J.K. Simmons as Milton Berle).  Plus, it makes for a fine vehicle for LaBelle, who is quite good at keeping the film from spinning off the rails (much like what Michaels did for the show).

ZILLAFOOT (2019) * ½

Some nerds witness a meteor crash on Earth.  It turns out to be a spaceship, and the evil aliens inside unleash their monster, ZillaFoot on the populace.  The government scrambles to stop it and eventually, “Ultrasquad”, a giant superhero is called in to help fight the monster. 

ZillaFoot is a Polonia Brothers movie.  It’s obvious they have a lot of love for the giant monster genre as there’s a lot of Godzilla posters and T-shirts sprinkled throughout the film.  However, the budget just wasn’t there to pull off the needs of the genre in a convincing way. 

ZillaFoot himself is a pretty terrible creation.  The idea of a monster that’s essentially a cross between Godzilla and King Kong sounds cool, but the execution leaves something to be desired.  The monster is essentially a guy in a bad gorilla suit with lizard hands and feet.  That’s it.  Along the way, he smashes a few tanks, battles Ultrasquad, and… well… that’s about it.  The character of Ultrasquad is executed slightly better as he is an obvious homage to Ultraman.  Even then, he’s not especially well made as he’s just a guy in a red spandex suit with a lame alien mask over his head. 

There are some decent ideas and a few OK moments.  That’s not nearly enough to save the movie though.  There’s also a lot of padding that comes in the form of news broadcasts (with a reporter wearing a Lucha Libre mask for some inexplicable reason), Zoom calls between government officials, and annoying guys making YouTube videos.  If you cut out all that crap, ZillaFoot still wouldn’t have been much to write home about, but at least it would’ve been a hell of a lot shorter. 

The most infuriating thing about the flick is the ending, or should I say, the lack of one.  The fight between ZillaFoot and Ultrasquad just sort of fizzles out, and when the aliens announce the arrival of ZillaFoot 2.0, the filmmakers likewise announce a sequel, and the movie ends.  I for one will not be chomping at the bit for the second film, that’s for sure. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF TEENAGE CAVEWOMEN (2012) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Two planets fuse together and hurtle across the galaxy on a collision course with Earth.  A team is assembled to go into space to intercept the planets in a rocket ship.  They land on one of the planets and learn it is ruled by… oh just read the title.  The astronauts must then rescue the teenage cavewomen from their evil rivals before Earth’s missiles destroy the planets for good. 

Considering the fact that the budget was pretty much nonexistent, the filmmakers do a good job of spoofing the old B films while still making the movie feel like a modern updating of one.  It has an amusing opening (similar to The Mole People) where a scientist explains how this all could actually happen.  Also, much of the music is lifted from old Sci-Fi flicks (most notably This Island Earth) and it uses a lot of the same stock footage you would see from an old space picture from the ‘50s.  Heck, there’s even some footage taken from films like Phantom Planet in lieu of actual effects.  I also liked how the cavewomen were badly dubbed on purpose.  (Not to mention the fact that all the so-called “teenage” cavewomen looked much older.)

Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen is only thirty-five minutes long, which is about the expiration date for a spoof such as this.  It might’ve been better if there was some actual T & A to speak of.  The cavewoman catfights that we do get aren’t bad though. I did like the giant spider monster which was a nice homage to Cat-Women of the Moon.  (The less said about the monster that’s essentially a guy wearing a green tarp, the better.)  And the final nod to Teenagers from Outer Space was well done too. 

All this looks like it was filmed in someone’s basement and/or backyard.  That’s kind of the charm though.  The aluminum foil budget for the interior of the spaceship alone must’ve set the filmmakers back a pretty penny.  I can’t say Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen is great or anything, but I challenge anyone to do better using the same limited means. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 16th, 2007)

Concerned that Martian children "are no longer children" because they get information plugged through their skull helmet antennae nonstop and sit around watching "meaningless Earth programs"; a group of Martians head down to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus (!) so he can spread cheer and goodwill to all the Martian children. With a little help from a robot, and with two Earth children in tow, the Martians succeed in hijacking Santa (John Call) from his workshop on the North Pole and take him to Mars, where they quickly get him set up with a more efficient automated workshop that he can control with just the push of a button. But there's a faction of Martians that don't want Santa spreading good cheer and they set out to RE-KIDNAP Kris Kringle. Luckily the reigning Martian nincompoop Droppo (Bill McCutcheon), "the laziest man on Mars" happens to be wearing a Santa suit and they think that HE'S Santa, despite the fact that he's got a green face and a skull helmet antennae sticking out from under his cap. Everything get sorted out after the kids pelt the bad guys with toys and the "evil" Martians are reduced to tears. Eventually they realize that Droppo would make a good Martian Santa, and they give Santa and the kids a one way ticket back to Earth.

Fewer movies boggle the mind with such ferocity than this one. Who was this movie made for? Seven-year-olds on LSD? Star Trek nerds that needed a Christmas themed movie in outer space? No, the real audience for this flick is die-hard fans of bad movies. You could never in a million years take this thing seriously, but a lot of eggnog will allow you to laugh your ass off and help you discover the true meaning of Christmas. Most bad movies have certain requirements: crappy special effects, inexplicable performances, glaring continuity mistakes, stunningly campy dialogue, and preferably a star of some middling degree earning a paycheck before they were famous. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is chock full of all of them.

Consider the not-so special effects. If the robot looks like a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head that's because it's a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head. If the polar bear looks like a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing it's because it's a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing. And if the spaceships look like a cheap model rockets it's because... well you get the idea.

And how about the performances? As Droppo, Bill McCutcheon proves to be one of the lamest "comic relief" sidekicks in the history of film. Whether pretending to be zapped by a "tickle ray", swallowing "food pills", or prancing around in a Santa suit, he achieves something incredible. His "comedy" is so UNFUNNY that you have to laugh at it. He's like a blueprint for Chris Kattan. And where do I begin with John Call as Santa? Sure he looks the part (any dime store Santa could've pulled THAT off), but what's with his laughter? He doesn't say "Ho, ho, ho!", rather he has laughs that sounds scary and maniacal; like a cross between a Batman villain and a seriously disturbed individual. What's more is that his laughter inspires others to laugh along with him. You won't be laughing WITH him, but you'll certainly be laughing AT him.

And then there's the theme song (by Milton DeLugg) that just about throws all laws of reading, writing and pronunciation out the window in favor of a cheap yuletide jingle. I quote: "You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S! Horray for Santy Claus!" Umm, excuse me Mr. DeLugg, but S-A-N-T-A actually spells SANTA. DeLugg also must have been the fellow who typed up the opening credits, as there is a credit for "Costume Designer" that is spelled "Custume Designer".

And then there's the dialogue. Ahh, the dialogue. Some of what comes out of these people's mouths will have you doubting your sanity until the next Christmas. There are the classics "You won't get away with this you... MARTIAN!", "All this trouble for a fat little man in a red suit!", and "Right now is the middle of Septober!", but my favorite dialogue exchange comes after Santa tries his new Martian automated workshop. Someone asks Santa if he's tired and he replies, "No, but my finger is!" That's a mental picture and a half for you.

But the most fun comes from seeing "star" Pia Zadora as one of the Martian children. She looks pretty much out of it most of the time, which is a technique she would later go on to perfect. If you don't count her cameo in Naked Gun 33 1/3, this is by far the best movie she ever starred in. She shoulda quit when she was ahead.

In short: this should be a Christmas tradition in every household.

Lucky kids in the ‘60s could've bought the comic book adaptation (!) or the theme song, which was available as a single.

AKA: Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: YEAR END WRAP-UP

In 2024, I challenged myself to watch and review 366 movies on physical media in 366 days.  (Goddamn Leap Year.)  If you were playing along at home, you would’ve known I fell short of my goal.  I got pretty close though as I was able to watch 364 movies and review 362 of them.  As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by THAT much!”  I plan to finish the final couple of reviews by the end of the week, just to see the challenge through.  

On a side note, I don’t think I will attempt to do another daily movie watching challenge this year.  After Tubi Continued… and this, it’s a bit exhausting, especially when my work/family life begins ramping up.  However, I still plan on watching as many weird and wild movies as humanly possible in 2025.  I just will refrain from using a yearly theme and posting on a daily schedule.  So, here’s to another year at the movies!  Happy New Year!