BEAKS (1987) **

Michelle (Waxwork) Johnson is a reporter who is tired of getting shitty assignments.  Along with her cameraman boyfriend (The Blue Lagoon’s Christopher Atkins), she goes to Spain to cover a story about chickens who turned on their owner.  They soon learn it is but one of a series of bird attacks that have been happening around the globe.  While they try to figure out why the birds have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, the birds attack a vacationing family and a kid’s birthday party. 

Director Rene Cardona Jr. delivers a solid opening sequence where some eagles attack a couple of hang gliders.  If anything, it’s impressive from a staging standpoint.  I’m not sure how long it took the eagle wrangler to get the birds in the same shot as the hang gliders, but I respect that it was done for real.  Nowadays, they would’ve used CGI for that shit.  That doesn’t mean it’s particularly exciting or suspenseful as Cardona uses way too much slow-motion.  Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure PETA would have something to say about the way the bird was dispatched. 

Such scenes of cruelty to birds (often shown in slow motion) mean it won’t take long before you start rooting against the humans.  That may have been Cardona’s point all along, but he makes his points much too crudely for it to work as a social message.  Still, the bird attacks manage to have a kick to them as the close-ups of eyes gouged out and faced being pecked are nice and juicy.  Because of that, Beaks very nearly skates by thanks to those scenes alone. 

This was a multinational film production.  You can tell from all the countries listed in the credits and by the fact that every time it cuts back and forth from Spain to Italy to Peru to Mexico, there’s a little title card where the action is taking place.  I don’t think that was so much for the benefit of the plot, but to impress the audience how far and wide the film was filmed. 

Honestly, there was just too much filler in between the good stuff to make it worthwhile.  Cardona also relies way too heavily on slow motion.  In fact, the film probably could’ve been a good fifteen to twenty minutes shorter had he allowed those scenes to play at normal speed. 

Atkins looks like he may have been drunk or high (or both) but Johnson (who used an obvious body double for her nude scenes) is pretty good.  I can’t fault either performer as a trip to travel around the globe must’ve been pretty tempting, even if they had to star in a crappy killer bird movie in order to do so.  Gabrielle Tinti also pops up as a survivor of a bird attack, unfortunately without his usual co-star (and wife) Laura Gemser by his side. 

If there’s middle ground between The Birds and Birdemic, this is it.  As trashy and overlong (100 minutes) as it is, it’s still better than The Birds 2.  (Coincidentally, this was sold in some markets as The Birds 2.)  Or Zombie 5:  Killing Birds, for that matter

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time you see a flock of birds take to the skies in slow motion.  (You’ll get drunk pretty quickly as this movie has more shots of doves flying in slow motion than John Woo’s entire filmography.)

AKA:  Beaks:  The Movie.  AKA:  Birds of Prey.  AKA:  Evil Birds.  AKA:  Beaks:  The Birds 2.