THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: PAGANINI HORROR (1988) ***

(Streamed via Plex)

Paganini Horror starts off with some of the worst/funniest scenes of terrible musicians performing awful rock n’ roll numbers since Pod People.  The band’s manager is understandably upset and hates the song almost as much as the audience.  “I know the difference between a hit and the mundane!  We need another hit… not rehashed bullshit!”

Concerned, one of the band members gets in contact with a poorly dubbed Donald Pleasance who sells him an old parchment of a lost song by Paganini.  To double down on the whole Paganini-Mania the kids obviously go gaga for nowadays, the band decides to film their music video in Paganini’s old villa (ran by Daria Nicolodi, who also wrote the flick).  Here, we are treated to another hilarious/awful rock video segment where a guy in a gold mask stalks the band.

I’m sure you probably can guess that the real Paganini (who allegedly sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune) comes to life and starts to make mincemeat out of the band and the video crew.  You probably didn’t predict he would do so with a switchblade violin.  (Then again, you might, if you saw it under its alternate title, The Killing Violin.)  

In short, this is some of Luigi (Starcrash) Cozzi’s finest work.  Although he can’t quite sustain the WTF momentum of the early scenes throughout the entire running time, Cozzi gives us enough face melting and flesh dissolving to make this a cut above your typical rock n’ roll horror flick.  If the shoddy musical numbers didn’t endear Paganini Horror to you, or if the sight of Donald Pleasance throwing money from the top of tall buildings failed to make you smile, or if the brightly colored balls-out scene of horror didn’t leave an impression, then the dialogue will at least make you sit up and take notice.  There are howlers aplenty here.  I think my favorite line came when the band gets the idea to film their horror-themed music video and one of the gals says, “No one has ever done anything remotely like it before!  Except for Michael Jackson and his fantastic Thriller video clip!”

AKA:  The Killing Violin.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: RETURN TO… RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH AKA: VOL. 2 (2017) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The title of Troma’s Return to… Return to Nuke ‘Em High AKA:  Vol. 2 is a little unwieldy and chaotic.  That’s okay because it perfectly suits the movie itself.  Following up the fun Return to Nuke ‘Em High Vol.1 was an unenviable task.  Although this belated (even though they were shot simultaneously) sequel is an often disjointed mess, there are some truly memorable moments here to still make it worth a look for Troma fans.  

Heck, the first scene qualifies it as some kind of manic classic.  It’s a fun, gory, and surreal rip-off of the shower scene in Carrie.  While it’s pretty much all downhill from there, this scene will be etched into my brain for months to come.

After being raped by a duck in Vol. 1, Lauren (Catherine Corcoran) gives birth to a mutant duck baby.  She and her lover Chrissy (Asta Paredes) ease into their parenting roles surprisingly well, all things considered.  The couple’s bliss is soon shattered when the glee club-turned-gang of mutant bikers, The Cretins kidnap Lauren and her newborn.  Meanwhile, the head of Tromorganic (Lloyd Kaufman, who also directed) turns into a fire-breathing mutant monster and it’s up to Lauren’s duck monster boyfriend, Kevin to save the day.

Like most Troma sequels, Return to… Return is heavily padded with flashbacks to the other movies in the series. The editing is slapdash at best, and the whole thing feels cobbled together from leftovers from the previous film.  “Meta” scenes of Kaufman arguing with his wife (and producer) about editing gore and dicks out of the final cut feel more like a way to pad things out than anything.  (Extra padding occurs in the form of outtakes and even a musical number over the credits.)

Overall, it’s less assured and certainly messier than Vol. 1.  Despite a grand set-up, it pretty much falls apart in the second act.  At least the gross FX, dumb gags, and abundance of T & A keep it from completely spinning off the rails.  

Your enjoyment of the film may hinge on your ability to go with all the duck stuff.  I’m not sure why Kaufman leaned so hard into the duck humor.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was the natural progression of the foul humor (no pun intended) of Poultrygeist.  Who knows?

Monique Dupree gets the best line when she sees Corcoran giving birth in the shower and screams, “She’s not dying!  She’s dilating!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: TAG (2015) *** ½

(Streamed via Horror Movies by Fawesome)

I first became aware of Tag when they played a clip from the opening scene on an episode of The Soup.  It involves a bus full of Japanese schoolgirls on a field trip that wind up being cut in half by an unseen force.  This jaw-dropping bravura set piece features some janky CGI in some spots, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work.  This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the film’s unexpected, surreal, and gory sequences.

Tag is sort of like a mix of Evil Dead, Final Destination, and The Butterfly Effect.  A Japanese schoolgirl runs afoul of mysterious forces that cause her classmates to die in horrifically ghoulish ways.   Just when she thinks she’s escaped death’s grasp and everything has returned to normal, she finds herself in an alternate universe where yet another grim fate awaits those around her.  

Tag is full of spectacular carnage and over the top gore.  The film contains a wonderful scene where a Japanese schoolgirl takes a crocodile to the crotch, as well as one of the greatest wedding scenes in movie history.  There is a school shooting sequence that may be too much for some viewers to take, however, so fair warning.  Some of the stuff in between the gruesome set pieces feels a tad like padding, but since these scenes include several instances of Japanese schoolgirls getting into slow motion pillow fights, it’s hard to lodge a complaint.  The camerawork is also impressive as it is at times reminiscent of both Raimi and Kubrick.  

The ending is a little on the underwhelming side, but then again, anyone would be hard-pressed to tie together all these wildly disparate sequences in a satisfying manner.  That doesn’t necessarily diminish the overall impact as it certainly fits the unpredictable tone throughout the rest of the film.  Tag may have its flaws, but this is one movie I had no idea where it was going from one scene to the next.   Even if some parts didn’t work, I didn’t care as being along for the ride was part of the fun.  

AKA:  Tag:  A High School Splatter Film.  AKA:  Real Tag.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW 2: STRAWEYES (2022) **

(Streamed via Vudu)

The Made for TV Movie, Dark Night of the Scarecrow has its share of ardent followers.  I never found it to be particularly great, but it was better than many similar ‘80s TV horror flicks.  Considering the film’s cult following, it seems odd that they waited forty-one years to make this low budget DTV sequel.  As far as forty years too late sequels go, it’s not terrible or anything.  I’ve certainly seen worse this month, that’s for sure.

Chris (Amber Wedding) and her son Jeremy (Aiden Shurr) move from the big city to a small rural farming community.  They aren’t in town very long when several people begin turning up dead.  Could the local killer scarecrow legend be to blame?  

I can’t tell if Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2:  Straweyes is trying to honor the Made for TV feel of the original by having most of the kills occur offscreen or what, but the results are kind of weak.  When we seldom do see the carnage left by the killer scarecrow, it’s pretty tame.  In his defense, writer/director J.D. Feigelson (who also wrote the original) does set up the kills in a competent manner and manages to sometimes punctate them with a clever touch.  (Like when the farmer’s glass eye pops out.)  I just wish he hadn’t been so frugal with the red stuff.

Had we had some quality kills, it might’ve been easier to overlook some of the film’s other shortcomings.  The biggest drawback is the fact that it withholds its connection to the original for a good chunk of the running time.  The whole Witness Protection subplot eats up a lot of screen time too.  This shit wouldn’t have cut it on a lackluster episode of Nash Bridges, let alone a four decades later DTV sequel to a Made for TV horror movie.

AKA:  Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: THE SKELETON OF MRS. MORALES (1960) ** ½

(Streamed via Dark Matter TV)

Mr. Morales (Arturo de Cordova) is a perpetually henpecked husband who is married to a real shrew (Amparo Rivelles).  He finally has enough of his nagging wife’s shit and decides to poison her.  Since Mr. Morales is a taxidermist by trade, he proudly displays the bones of Mrs. Morales in his storefront window, practically begging for the suspicious townsfolk to call the cops.  Naturally, he is arrested, fools everyone at the trial, and eventually gets away with murder.  After the trial, he confesses his crime to his local padre (and main accuser), who informs him he will soon face the wrath of God for his deeds.

Directed in atmospheric fashion by Rogelio A. (Ship of Monsters) Gonzalez, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a beautiful looking film.  The cinematography is excellent and some of the camerawork is quite impressive (especially in the final scene).  In fact, there are moments that may make you think of both Alfred Hitchcock and Mario Bava.   

Ultimately, the story is a bit one-note and predictable to be fully effective.  It would’ve made for a gangbusters half-hour episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents or The Twilight Zone, but at feature length, it has a tendency to drag (particularly in the second act).  Although the twist is telegraphed ahead of time, it is nevertheless well executed by Gonzalez.  I won’t spoil it for you.  I’ll just say it’s the sort of thing you have seen dozens of variations of before in similar films, although to be fair, it’s done better here than in lots of better known movies.

The acting is a bit maudlin and hammy, which helps prevent it from really kicking into gear.  Both de Cordova and Rivelles go over the top at times, which doesn’t necessarily endear them to the audience.  With no one to sympathize with or root for, we are essentially just along for the ride and await the guilty party to get their just desserts.

Bottom Line:  Despite having a bone (or two) to pick with the film, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a solid little horror chiller.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: THE MUNSTERS (2022) * ½

(Streamed via Netflix)

When I heard Rob Zombie was directing a reboot of The Munsters, I was optimistic.  I mean his best song, “Dragula” was inspired by The Munsters’ race car, so who would be more qualified to bring the beloved monster family into the 21st century?  Sadly, it’s just a fucking mess.

It's an origin story, which I guess wasn’t the worst way to go, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  In fact, Herman (Jeff Daniel Phillips) doesn’t even show up until about a half-hour into the flick as all that running time is devoted to a mad scientist (Richard Brake) putting together parts of dead bodies to bring him to life.  

Sadly, once Herman finally shows up, he’s freaking annoying.  Gone is the Fred Gwynne iteration of the character.  Phillips’ take on the character is a guy who’s basically an unfunny stand-up comedian.  I know it’s mostly a kids movie and all, but Herman’s constant one-liners wouldn’t have cut it on the back of a box of Franken Berry.  

At least Sheri Moon Zombie is able to channel Yvonne DeCarlo’s old persona while infusing it with her own sensibilities, making Lily a joy to watch.  Daniel Roebuck isn’t bad as “The Count”.  I appreciate they didn’t even try to make him like “Grandpa” as there’s only one Al Lewis, but his material is as equally creaky as Herman’s and his jokes are mostly groaners.

Swindled out of their ancestral castle in Transylvania, The Munsters are forced to relocate to their more familiar residence at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  And, uh, well… that’s about it as far as the plot goes.  Not that a Munsters movie necessarily needs a strong plot, but it needs… SOMETHING to string together all the bad jokes and awful puns.  What’s more, the villainess (Catherine Schell) never has any real interaction with the family.  Since there’s no confrontation or tension between them, there’s nothing to really advance the plot.  

That is, besides Lily and Herman’s courtship scenes.  Too bad they are almost unbearable.  Once the Lily and Herman music video for “I Got You Babe” was in full swing, I kind of mentally checked out from the entire movie.  

Another thing:  It’s kind of hard to get past the film’s garish, ugly, and oversaturated look.  The whole thing looks like a puke-stained Day-Glo Basil Gogos painting.  Some of the visual quirks work (like the Creepshow-inspired backgrounds for some of the close-ups) are neat, but the majority of it just feels like an assault on the eyeballs.

Also, there’s no Eddie!  How can you make The Munsters without Eddie Munster?  ARGH. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: CLAWS (1977) **

(Streamed via Creature Features)

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die’s Jason Evers stars as a logger who is mauled by a bear.  Five years go by, and he still is unable to let it go.  His wife finally has enough of his bitter and hateful ways and takes his son to start a new life.  However, when his son is attacked by the same “Satan Bear”, Evers finally mans up and goes out for revenge.  

Claws is one of those When Animals Attack flicks that were so popular in the late ‘70s after the success of Jaws.  Oh, and the title rhymes with Jaws just in case you didn’t already pick up on that.  This one also came in the wake of Grizzly, a far superior killer bear movie.  Even though parts (OK, most) of Claws are laughable, dumb, and confusing, I’ll be damned if there aren’t a few moments when it almost works.  

The biggest drawback is its structure, which relies heavily on the use flashbacks.  The second act is particularly spotty as characters have flashbacks left and right.  All these scenes are mostly there to flesh out their motivations, but honestly, they are really unnecessary as the exposition-heavy dialogue makes many of the flashbacks redundant.

The way the nature footage of grizzly bears is edited into the action is pretty funny though.  The film stock rarely matches in these scenes as some of the wildlife shots are tinted and/or faded, which further makes them stick out like a sore thumb.  Plus, the print I saw was already in shambles to begin with, which didn’t help.  Just when you think you’ve reached your limit with all scenes of the hunting party traipsing through the woods, there is a great payoff involving the Native American guide having a trippy freakout that is good for some unintentional laughs.  

If you can stomach all the corny flashbacks (including a slow-motion romantic interlude in a field), boring custody drama, Native American mumbo jumbo, and sloppy editing, the kill scenes are sporadically effective.  The best one involves a bunch of Cub Scouts camping in the woods who cry wolf about seeing the “Satan Bear”.  Naturally, the real bear shows up later on and tears their camp to shreds.  The editing in this sequence is surprisingly strong (especially compared to the other attack scenes in the movie) and the carnage is rather jaw-dropping.  Although much of Claws is sloppy, shoddy, and idiotic, this sequence, as the kids say nowadays, “goes hard”.

The whole movie is a case of “Good News, Bad News”.  For every quality moment, there’s a bunch of schlock that gets in the way.  Although Evers’ intense performance keeps things from completely unraveling, the rest of the cast act rather embarrassing.  The while demise of the bear is pretty epic, the whole build-up to that choice moment is unbelievably lame as the last five minutes or so of the film are mostly all in slow-motion.

Bottom Line:  Whenever Claws bears its claws, it’s rather grizzly, but it’s more than likely to make you hibernate.

A stoned hippie gets the best line of the movie when he comes face to face with a bear and inexplicably says, “I’m a rock singer, not Walt Disney!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #18 BITTEN (2009) ***

(Streamed via Crackle)

Jason Mewes stars as Jack, a paramedic struggling to get over his cheating ex-girlfriend.  He finds an unlikely new love in Danika (Erica Cox) when he finds her in an alley covered with blood.  He brings her home, cleans her up, and to show her gratitude, she turns into a vampire.  Since it’s love at first sight, Jack keeps the relationship afloat by finding her victims so she can feed.  

Mewes is surprisingly good in his dramatic scenes while still being able to deftly delve into his usual Jay persona when needed for comic effect.  Cox is also effective as the pathetic, obviously dangerous, but… you know… hot, vampire.  She is especially good while covered in blood and wanting sex.  She even participates in a three-way with Mewes and another babe, although director Harve Glazer unwisely chooses to get arty and make it into more of a dimly lit montage.  Cox only appeared in a handful of movies, and it’s a shame she wasn’t in more stuff because she is great in this.  Richard Fitzpatrick is a lot of fun too as Mewes’ foulmouthed paramedic pal.  

Bitten doesn’t exactly break new ground, but it remains a simple and entertaining vampire flick.  Although using the vampire as a metaphor for addiction is a tad obvious, when it switches gears and uses it as a metaphor for dating someone with a lot of baggage, it works much better.  It helps that some of this is often quite funny.  I especially liked the love triangle between Mewes, Cox, and his old girlfriend.  (When she turns into a vampire, she hisses “I want my TV back!”)  I also admired some of the odd choices, like the inexplicable use of Spanish title cards and the random-ass Spaghetti Western opening title sequence.

While Bitten is surprisingly sturdy for the bulk of its running time, the ending offers more fizzle than sizzle.  If anything, it’s good to see Jay stretching his acting muscles a bit and showing he doesn’t always need Silent Bob by his side to carry a picture.  It’s Cox though who gets the best line of the movie when describing her vampire hunger:  “It’s like I want to fuck you and eat you at the same time!”

AKA:  Vampire Apocalypse.  AKA:  Bitten in the Twilight.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #17: PORN SHOOT MASSACRE (2009) ** ½

(Streamed via ConTV)

Few words stir the blood like “Porn”, “Shoot”, and “Massacre”.  When you put all three in the title of your sex-filled horror movie, I’m bound to watch it, even if the results are mixed at best.

Things kick off in spectacular fashion with Shelly Martinez’s epic shower scene that continues to only get better as it goes along.  After stepping out of the shower, the camera follows her as she dries off and applies lotion to her nude frame.  She does get dressed to answer the phone, but only her panties, which means she’s already one of the best actresses I’ve seen in a long time.  Sadly, she gets Janet Leigh’ed early on, but since she goes out via an A+ pantyhose strangulation, it’s hard to be too mad.  

Then, the plot begins:  A bunch of porn starlets arrive at a seedy warehouse set where an oddball director is making his latest XXX flick.  As the cameras roll, the cast and crew are unaware there’s a masked killer lurking about who gets his jollies from axing porn stars and making his own snuff movies.  

The cast includes a mix of lady wrestlers, one-and-done starlets, and actual porn stars.  They are all beautiful and their voluptuous measurements are so stacked that it would make them overqualified for a Russ Meyer movie.  My favorite was Kasey Poteet AKA:  porn star Diana Prince AKA:  Joe Bob Briggs’ mail girl, Darcy who gets a great lesbian scene with porn star Naomi Cruz (who plays “the Fetish Queen”).  Martinez is a wrestler with limited acting credits, but her brief but memorable appearance here is evidence she could be a top-notch Scream Queen any time she decides to come back to the horror genre.  Her opening nude scene in this is right up there with Betsy Rue’s in My Bloody Valentine 3-D, and folks, praise doesn’t come much higher than that.  

Porn Shoot Massacre is a lot of fun until it hits a wall in the third act.  It’s here where we get a needless “twist” that doesn’t do the movie any favors.  It’s not exactly “bad”.  It’s just that once the twist is sprung, there isn’t really anywhere for the film to go.  (It’s also a little hard to take that the filmmakers expect us to start sympathizing with the killers in the late stages of the flick.)  And despite the great opening, it all leads up to a rather unsatisfying non-ending.  It’s disappointing that the ho-hum third act puts a wet blanket on what otherwise was a solid T & A gore-drenched horror flick.  However, that first hour or so is solid enough for me to give this one a marginal recommendation.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #16: KILLER PINATA (2015) *** ½

(Streamed via Cinehouse)

I went into Killer Pinata expecting to see a pinata kill people.  I got that, but I also got more.  A lot more.  

Killer Pinata is one of the best horror movies I have seen in some time.  It takes a Troma level premise and gives it the A24 treatment.  There is a tongue in cheek aspect, sure.  This is Killer Pinata after all.  However, there is an offbeat artiness to the entire enterprise that is enormously endearing.  

The film is essentially a variation on Child’s Play, except, you know, with a pinata.  A father buys a bunch of pinatas for his kid’s birthday party.  After seeing his friends smashed to pieces, the devilish donkey pinata sets out to get revenge on his fallen comrades.  He singles out a bunch of college kids partying it up and proceeds to take them out one by one.  

The scene where the pinata watches in horror as a little kid beats another pinata in super slow motion is downright hauntingly beautiful.  I never thought I would ever type that sentence but here we are.  Trust me, the movie still gives you the sort of hijinks you’d expect.  In one scene, the pinata strings up a dork and beats him until his teeth splay out onto the pavement like hard candy.  There’s also more than one scene where the pinata shits tainted (no pun intended) candy that kills whoever eats it.  However, despite these broad, obvious moments there’s a funky, vibrant, swagger to the film that makes it unique and tons of fun.  

It does have a little trouble stretching its admittedly thin premise out to a feature length.  One undercooked subplot involves the pinata possessing a human and forcing him to do its dirty work.  However, some of the padding works surprisingly well (like the great animated flashback detailing the origin of the killer pinata), and director Stephen Tramontana pulls off several unlikely sequences with unexpected pizzazz.  (The Pinata POV shots are very well done.)  Besides, as I said at the beginning of this review:  Killer Pinata gives you what you expect, but brother, does it give you a whole lot more.

Bottom Line:  This pinata is chockfull of goodies.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #15: HALLOWEEN ENDS (2022) ** ½

(Streamed via Peacock)

I was not a fan of David Gordon Green’s previous pair of Halloween sequels.  Because of that, I had little excitement and next-to-no expectations for Halloween Ends.  Maybe it was the lowered expectations, or the fact I knew (or cared) very little about the film’s plot that helped me enjoy it much more than the last two outings.  It’s still not “good” exactly, but it’s an interesting (if flawed) attempt to breathe a little life into the franchise.

If you go in expecting a big, action-packed trilogy capper, you are bound to be disappointed.  It seems by now that Green’s M.O. from the get-go has been to thwart fans’ expectations.  If that really was the case, then Halloween Ends is his master thesis on the subject.  It almost feels like the Halloween franchise’s version of Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi as it acts as a deconstruction of the series.  A sort of litmus test to see how much you can color outside the line of the franchise while still very much adhering to what makes the franchise work.  (The fact that there’s already a petition by angry fans to have the whole movie reshot bears that theory out.)

Without giving too much away, the bulk of the film revolves around Corey (Rohan Campbell), the new Haddonfield urban legend.  A couple years ago, the kid he was babysitting for wound up dead in a freak accident.  Harassed, bullied (by roving gangs of marching band bullies, no less!), and pushed to the brink, the mixed-up Corey has a fateful run-in with Michael Myers that…  Well… you’ll see.

From the very beginning, you can tell Green and Co. are out to subvert our expectations as he uses the same font for the opening title sequence as Halloween 3:  Season of the Witch, the first Halloween film to polarize the fanbase because it dared to take Michael Myers out of the equation.  Green does a similar bit of redirection here.  However, he wisely keeps Michael around (a little bit), allowing for Myers’ legend to still cast a long shadow over the town.  It’s an interesting, if only sporadically effective way to go, and certainly a more enjoyable ride than the previous Green-helmed sequels.  

However, I can’t help but feel a little shortchanged.  We’ve been waiting over forty years for Michael and Laurie’s final face-off.  As a payoff to that storyline, it comes up a bit short.  I think they should’ve called it Halloween Aftermath.  It would’ve been a more fitting title.  Although, honestly, this might’ve worked better as a TV show called Haddonfield.  It could’ve focused on the characters of the town that have had their lives impacted, shattered, ruined, or poisoned by Myers’ reign of terror.  You could’ve brought Jamie Lee Curtis in for the intros (the scenes of her writing her memoirs feel very TV Movie-ish) and spent various episodes fleshing out the new characters.  I know John Carpenter always intended to turn Halloween into an anthology, but given the evidence here, it might just work, as long as there is at least SOME connective tissue to the Myers legend.

I didn’t mind the way Green paralleled Corey and Michael’s ascension to boogeyman status.  Sure, it’s the old nature vs. nurture deal, but it kinda works.  I really liked seeing Laurie opening up a bit and starting a potential romance with the sheriff (Will Patton).  The movie could’ve used a lot more of these scenes and less of the Romeo and Juliet stuff with Allyson (Andi Matichak) and Corey.  I never really believed they were in love, and the arc of their romance feels forced and rushed.  

One thing I did enjoy was seeing Michael taking Corey on as sort of an apprentice.  I mean he’s sixty-five years old.  He can’t keep on killing forever.  It would make sense to for him to train the next generation of psychos.  Corey himself sort of has an Anakin Skywalker vibe going on.  He even has an understanding girlfriend that doesn’t seem to mind when he slaughters innocents.  

Throughout the film, I went back and forth on whether I liked it or not.  The longwinded romance scenes in the middle of the flick made me want to give it **, but then, late in the game, we got that great kill scene in the radio station set to The Cramps’ “I Was a Teenage Werewolf”, which is worth at least another Half-Star my book.  I mean, if Return of the Living Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Near Dark have taught us anything, it’s that any horror movie can be made even better by including a needle drop on a Cramps song.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #14: SHOCK CINEMA VOLUME 3: BLOOPERS, BABES AND BLOOD! (1991) ** ½

(Streamed via Tubi)

Producer Brinke Stevens returns with another installment in the Shock Cinema series.  Although she provides narration over the chapter breaks, she doesn’t have any formal hosting sequences this time around.  (She does appear on the opening graphic and shows up in clips from Nightmare Sisters though.)  Unlike the previous two Shock Cinema Volumes, this is less a video magazine and more of a compilation tape.  There are no interviews with B-Movie directors and not as much behind the scenes footage as you might expect.  Instead, it’s broken up into several chapters devoted to various horror/exploitation elements.

The first (and best) chapter is devoted to “T & A”.  We see scenes of Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke appearing au natural in Nightmare Sisters, as well as Linnea taking it off in clips from Murder Weapon and Deadly Embrace.  The next segment is on “Blood and Gore” and it features assorted stabbings, bludgeonings, flesh rippings, and exploding heads.  (Mostly from Robot Ninja.)  “Trailers” contains coming attractions for Deadly Embrace, the Scream Queen documentary Something to Scream About, Murder Weapon, Robot Ninja, Skinned Alive, and Ghoul School.  “Bloopers” contains outtakes, flubs, and follies from Nightmare Sisters and Dr. Alien.  These bloopers aren’t exactly funny, but they do offer a tantalizing (if fleeting) taste of what it was like to be on those sets.  The volume is rounded out with “Action and Special Effects”, a collection of fights, bites, slashes, gashes, shootouts, mutants, monsters, and musical numbers from the previously mentioned films.  

Since it’s only drawing from a small pool of titles (mostly Tempe releases), the clips have a tendency to get a little overfamiliar as the tape goes on.  (Some scenes are even repeated by the end, which tends to get a little annoying.)  The short running time (under an hour) helps somewhat, though the overall sense of déjà vu sort of diminishes the fun.  Even though it’s not as informative or as entertaining as the first two volumes, it’s still worth a watch just for the T & A segment alone (especially if you’re a fan of Scream Queens Stevens, Quigley, and Bauer).  

AKA:  Shock Cinema Volume 3.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #13: LIMBO (1999) *

(Streamed via Cineverse)

About ten minutes into Limbo, it became apparent that B-Movie Scream Queen-turned-first time director Tina Krause rented Jacob’s Ladder one night and decided to make her own loose remake using the crappiest home video equipment available.  That probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world, but the problem is that there is barely any connective narrative tissue to hold the thing together.  Because of that, it looks like one long, cheap, SOV music video.  

A woman named Katherine goes to a bar where she is given an ominous warning by an unseen stranger.  After Katherine picks up a cute waitress (Krause), things spiral into a lot of shaky-cam/let’s-use-every-filter-and-editing-trick-that-came-with-the-camera music video sequences.  She returns to the bar the next night where she picks up another stranger and the cycle repeats itself until Katherine learns she’s actually dead and in limbo.  (Hey, it’s not a spoiler if it’s in the title!)

This one was a tough sit.  Although I enjoy seeing Krause in her low budget horror movies, this is by far the worst one I have seen.  It was also by far the shortest flick I’ve watched this month (it’s only fifty-four minutes), but it sure as Hell felt like the longest.  

It's not all terrible.  If you can make it to the homestretch, there are a couple of decent gore effects (given the budget).  We get a pretty good face ripping scene as well as a not-bad gut ripping sequence.  However, that doesn’t make up for all the schizophrenic editing, incoherent storytelling (a vampire subplot is dropped into our laps in the late going), piss-poor camerawork, and piss-poorer sound.  

I admire Krause’s ambition.  More Scream Queens should take the cinematic reigns and direct their own movies.  I just wish that Krause’s directorial effort was closer in spirit to her other low budget vehicles instead of an overlong, experimental, wannabe student film.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #12: CAPULINA VS. THE MONSTERS (1974) **

(Streamed via Canela TV)

If you’re unfamiliar with Capulina, he was an extremely popular but painfully unfunny (at least to me) Mexican comedian.  The only other Capulina comedy I’ve seen was Santo vs. Capulina, and that was only because I am a die-hard El Santo completist.  Naturally, the only reason I watched Capulina vs. the Monsters was for the monsters.  I’m a sucker for shoddy South of the Border monster movies, even if they do star annoying comedians.

A mad scientist uses the brain of a dim-witted newsstand attendant (Capulina) to revive Frankenstein, Dracula, the Mummy, and the Wolf Man.  Predictably, they break out of the lab and chase Capulina all over town.  Eventually, Capulina bands together with a bunch of kids to thwart the doctor’s plan.  

The first twenty minutes or so did not inspire hope.  These monster-less passages rely heavily on Capulina’s awful slapstick shtick (which requires him to make silly faces, run around in fast-motion like Benny Hill, and… uh… that’s about it) and have zero laughs.  Thankfully, once the monsters show up, things improve considerably.  While their interactions with Capulina aren’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, they are at least somewhat amusing.  One fun touch is that garlic has no effect on Dracula, but all the monsters pass out after Capulina eats a bunch of onions and breathes on them.  There’s also an odd scene where Capulina gets into an inexplicable pillow fight with the titans of terror.  The best non-monster scene happens when Capulina mistakes some dwarf criminals wearing Halloween masks for Trick-or-Treaters.  I can’t say “hilarity ensues”, but I think I did crack a smile.  

The monster make-up and costumes are terrible, which only makes the whole thing even more enjoyable.  The Mummy is the worst.  If you thought the Mummy from Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy was bad, wait till you get a load of this guy.  He looks like he’s wearing a repurposed El Santo mask and baggy white pajamas.  However, I dug the scene where Dracula completely unwraps him in order to tie up Capulina and then uses all of his bandages to lower him from a second story window.  Say what you will about this movie, but it has a naked mummy in it, something that possibly might be a cinema first.  

One missed opportunity though:  There’s a scene where the Mummy fights the Wolf Man, and he bites him on the neck.  According to accepted monster lore, shouldn’t the Mummy now turn into a werewolf?  If anything could’ve pushed this flick into *** territory, it would’ve been a Were-Mummy!  Sadly, it was not meant to be.

It also helps that the mad scientist’s assistant Mephistophela (Irlanda Mora) is foxy as all get out.  Wearing a slinky skintight red jumpsuit, she struts around the mad doctor lab looking hot to trot.  One thing’s for sure:  Capulina’s idiotic mugging is certainly easier to take whenever she’s on screen.  

As fun as the middle section of the film is, things get pretty dire as it enters the homestretch.  The finale is especially weak as the monsters are dispatched by Capulina incessantly chanting about his love for chocolate donuts.  (I think, or perhaps my Spanish was rusty).  The demise of the mad scientist is also WTF as he is electrocuted and turned into a turkey!?!  Oh well, at least when Mephistophela loses her job as a mad scientist’s assistant, she bounces right back, and gets a job as a nanny where she gets to wear sexy nanny outfits.  That’s about as happy of an ending as you can get with something like this.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #11: YOKAI MONSTERS: SPOOK WARFARE (1968) *** ½

(Streamed via Shudder)

Treasure hunters accidentally awaken a bat monster from its tomb in the desert.  It makes its way to Japan where it drinks the blood of a local magistrate and takes his form.  Soon, the monster begins racking up more victims and turns them into his minions.  When he sets his sights on draining children of their blood, the monsters that lurk in the dark decide to band together and stop the bat-vampire-thing once and for all.  

Yokai Monsters:  100 Monsters was a fun flick, but it had a bit too much samurai drama and gratuitous asides that prevented it from firing on all cylinders.  This sequel is a straight-up horror show, and it’s all the better for it.  The monsters from the first movie make a welcome return (including my favorite, the Umbrella Monster), but the new monsters are really cool too.  I think the best addition to the cast is the monster who puffs out his belly and shows flashbacks on it as if it was a projection screen TV!  Another fun moment occurs when a pair of comedy relief guards (who are sort of playing an off-brand Japanese version of Abbott and Costello) have a run-in with a monster who resembles a cross between Gonzo the Great and Gabriel from Malignant.

I also liked how the monsters pull a ‘70s Godzilla and become a friend to children in this one.  Despite that touch, it’s a much darker film than its predecessor, even if the monsters are pretty much “the good guys” this time around.  The finale is quite rousing too as the villain becomes Godzilla size and our monster heroes have to call on the “100 Monsters” to help defeat him.  (Unlike the last movie, it actually looks like there’s a hundred of them in this one.) 

AKA:  The Great Yokai War.  AKA:  Ghosts on Parade.  AKA:  Yokai Monsters 2.  AKA:  Big Monster War.  AKA:  The Battle of the Spooks.  AKA:  Big Ghost War.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: EVIL TOWN (1987) * ½

(Streamed via American Horrors)

Evil Town had a long, painful, strange production.  It was started in 1973 under the direction of Curtis (L.A. Confidential) Hanson.  He wound up getting fired and replaced by the producers (Death Game’s Peter Traynor and Larry Spiegel).  Production was eventually halted due to lawsuits and the film wasn’t completed until the mid ‘80s by producer Mardi Rustam (who added a bunch more nudity to make it commercially viable).  

The results are far from seamless.  Then again, the seams are expected when a film took fourteen years and four directors to finish.  The plot threads are all over the place.  There are two families camping whose car breaks down in the titular town.  We also have two horny gas station attendants who like to sneak off and rape coeds.  Then, there’s also the matter of a nuthouse where a sexy doctor is performing illicit experiments on her patients.  

You can probably guess what’s going on, thanks to the fact that the town is mostly populated by old people.  Yes, they are luring young folks into town and performing experiments on them in order to prolong their life.  Although it’s pretty obvious, the shoddy new scenes kind of make the whole thing kind of confusing.

Incredibly enough, there are some name stars in the cast.  James Keach and Robert Walker, Jr. are the paternal figures taking their family camping, and poor old Dean Jagger (in his final role) is the head mad scientist behind the insidious plot.  Sadly, he makes the whole thing even harder to watch as he is noticeably frail, often looks as if he is in pain, and flubs his lines a lot.  

Yes, Evil Town is a fucking mess.  The film stock, hairstyles, fashions, and cast changes often.  The various plots feel like they were stuffed into an UNO Attack game and then spit out at random.  The overuse of slow motion in some scenes is downright laughable too, but I’m sure it helped the distributors pad out the running time.  At least there is a lot of T & A.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: SAINT MAUD (2021) ***

(Streamed via Paramount+)

Maud (Morfydd Clark) is a home hospice healthcare worker tending to the needs of a former dancer (Jennifer Ehle) stricken with terminal cancer.  It soon becomes apparent Maud is more than a little touched.  Devoutly religious, Maud fears her hedonistic patient is in danger of going to Hell, and she sets out to do anything in her power to prevent that from happening.  

Saint Maud has a great set-up that first at makes it feel like it’s going to be one of those ‘90s thrillers like The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.  However, it doesn’t take very long for it to dovetail into some very different territory.  Fortunately, writer/director Rose Glass changes gears so subtly that you never quite notice the slight of hand at work.  

I hesitate to get into spoiler territory, so I will try to keep this review as brief as possible.  The second half is pretty wild and features moments that reminded me of everything from Taxi Driver to The Exorcist to Carrie.  Somehow, Glass manages to make all those nods feel organic and fresh and not just a filmed checklist of tried-and-true horror tropes.  

Saint Maud never quite steps over the line into balls out horror, but whenever it tiptoes around those parameters, it’s often very effective.  It’s less an arthouse horror show and more of a character study of a sad, broken, and possibly insane loner on a slow, painful, and tragic journey to an inevitable, horrific fate.  The reason all this works as well as it does is because of Clark’s performance.  Like Sissy Spacek in Carrie, you feel for her every step of the way, even though you know she’s going to pull some heavy shit in the final reel.  It’s a powerhouse performance that keeps the movie afloat, even through its draggier passages, and makes it well-worth watching, even if it isn’t exactly a home run.  Sometimes (especially in October), a ground-rule double is all you need.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE WEREWOLF OF WOODSTOCK (1975) **

(Streamed via Beta Max TV)

Dick Clark produced this inane mess, a TV movie that was broadcast as part of “The Wide World of Mystery”.  If you’re expecting to see a werewolf attack the likes of Jimi Hendrix, The Grateful Dead, The Who, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, forget it.  There’s only about ten seconds of actual concert footage (which may or may not have been Woodstock) in the beginning.  In fact, the Werewolf attacks the TOWN of Woodstock… and by “TOWN” I mean “the woods”.

After three days of peace, love, and music at Woodstock, everyone goes home, but nobody bothers to tear down the stage.  The hippie-hating town drunk gets shitfaced after the festival, wanders onto the stage, and winds up getting electrocuted.  The freak accident causes him to turn into a werewolf (!?!?!?!?!) and before long, he is stalking a rock band who have shown up to the abandoned stage just so they can say they “played at Woodstock”.  After the wooly werewolf kidnaps their favorite groupie, the band agrees to help the cops lure the loathsome lycanthrope out into the open using the rock n’ roll music the monster despises so much.

The werewolf is shoddy as all get out.  It looks just like a Halloween mask you’d see at a five and dime.  I guess they tried to do something different with the accepted werewolf lore (he transforms whenever there is an electrical storm rather than a full moon), but the changes are just as dumb as the make-up.    

Michael Parks brings his typical offbeat energy to the role of a detective, but honestly, he looks embarrassed to be there.  (Can you blame him?)  The only other names in the cast are Andrew Stevens as the hotheaded band member who acts like a prick to everybody and Belinda Balaski (who later faced off against werewolves in The Howling) is the groupie who has psychic premonitions.

I was tempted to give this One Star all the way through, but in the third act something so mind-bogglingly awesome happened that I just had to tack on an extra Star.  It occurs when the werewolf is being pursued by the authorities and he steals a dune buggy and high tails it out of there.  Ive seen a lot of shit in my time but I've never seen a werewolf in a dune buggy before.  It doesn’t make up for the awful effects, lethargic pacing, and constant fade-in and fade-outs for TV commercials, but it does make it memorable.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #7: DEATH GAME (1977) ***

(Streamed via R Flix)

Seymour Cassel stars as a happily married man celebrating his fortieth birthday home alone on a dark and stormy night.  When two beautiful young girls (Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp) show up asking to use the phone, he chivalrously obliges them.  It doesn’t take the lovely ladies long to seduce the poor dope with a three-way in the bathtub.  Problems arise the next morning when they refuse to vacate the premises.  When Cassel eventually threatens to call the police, the girls counter and claim they’ll say they were raped if the cops show up.  They then perpetually harass, manipulate, and eventually kidnap him, which naturally leads to more complications, including murder.  

Apparently, Death Game had a tumultuous production.  Cassel and director Peter Traynor fought so much that he refused to come back to record his dialogue.  The producers were then forced to get cinematographer David Worth to loop his lines.  If Cassel didn’t have such a distinctive voice, it might not have mattered, but the dubbing is painfully obvious, and much of the suspense is lost every time he opens his mouth.  

Luckily, Locke and Camp make a lot of the film’s shortcomings seem like a moot point.  They are a lot of fun to watch and are hot to trot (especially Camp) during their love scenes.  Heck, they still manage to look foxy as Hell even in the midst of their psychotic rantings and ravings.  (Like when they put on way too much make-up and put Cassel on “trial” for his various crimes.)  Even though you know from the get-go they are up to no good, it’s hard to fault Cassel for letting them in.  I mean, duh.

The biggest debit is the annoying music.  The theme song, “Good Old Dad”, which is played way too often will get on your damned nerves almost instantly.  The ending is way too pat, which also knocks the rating down a bit.  However, whenever Locke and Camp are front and center being psychotically sexy, Death Game is a game worth playing.

Eli Roth later remade this as Knock Knock, with Locke and Camp returning as producers.

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the remake, I reviewed it in my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

AKA:  Make-Up.  AKA:  The Seducers.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #6: GOODNIGHT MOMMY (2022) ** ½

(Streamed via Prime)

If you’ve already seen directors Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz’s Goodnight Mommy, you probably know where this gratuitous, yet sporadically effective Hollywood remake is going.  Since you’re likely to know the twist before it happens, you can amuse yourself by seeing just how director Matt Sobel has updated it for American audiences.  Even though it has been noticeably watered down, I still think I enjoyed it more than the original, mostly thanks to Naomi Watts’ performance.

Elias (Cameron Crovetti) and Lukas (Nicholas Crovetti) go to live with their movie star mom (Watts) in the middle of nowhere.  She had a surgical procedure done on her face, so she has to walk around the house wearing a scary white mask.  The kids are subject to her increasingly erratic behavior and slowly begin to suspect that it might not be their mother under the mask.  

This is a good role for Watts, who is quickly changing gears from Hollywood It Girl to Direct to DVD Schlock Queen.  It’s a fun performance and she gets to act a little gonzo, as the anonymity of the mask allows her to cut loose when needed.  I don’t know many actresses that could’ve pulled off a role like this (or who would’ve wanted to), but Watts certainly goes for it.  (There are times she looks like a female version of Diabolik… except in a negligee.)  There’s a particularly unsettling scene where she does a sexy dance in front of a mirror unaware one of her kids is watching.  

It may lack the nasty edge the original had, but it’s more straightforward and better paced, and benefits from Watts’ performance.  There’s also some decent horror imagery here and there, although it usually turns into one of those irritating “It was all a dream” scenarios.  It’s not great, but I liked it better than the original.  It’s certainly much better than Watts’ other Hollywood remake of a foreign language horror flick, the overrated The Ring (or even Funny Games, for that matter).  

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the original Goodnight Mommy, check out my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books