J-MEN FOREVER (1979) ***

After checking out The Firesign Theatre Presents Hot Shorts on Tubi recently, I was happy to see that J-Men Forever, their first foray into serial dubbing, was also on the site.  I have fond memories of seeing this as a kid on Night Flight and lo and behold, the version of J-men Forever that’s on Tubi even has a Night Flight bumper and watermark! 

A rock n’ roll DJ from the moon named “The Lightning Bug” kills off a bunch of old timey musicians and sets out to take over the world using rock music.  Later, he plans to flood college campuses with marijuana.  It’s up to the square government agents, the J-Men to thwart his evil plans. 

J-Men Forever is amusing, clever, and highly entertaining throughout.  A lot of fun can be had from seeing old classic Saturday morning serials such as Captain America, Captain Marvel, The Crimson Ghost, and Radar Men from the Moon being redubbed and repurposed for humorous effect. The members of The Firesign Theatre also show up in some brief linking segments, although these are easily the weakest moments of the film.  

Admittedly, some of the humor is kind of rough in spots, but that’s all part of its scrappy charm.  There are also a few lulls in between the big laughs, although there’s certainly enough here to make it worth watching.  Still, it works more often than not, and the draggy parts don’t last too long.  One thing is for sure, it definitely plays better late at night (or early in the morning, whichever you prefer).  

The funniest line occurs when the villain finds two heroes snooping around his cavern and decides to flood the corridor.  After pulling the lever, he says, “I’m gonna wash those J-Men outta my lair!”

A few of the same serial clips appeared in Hot Shorts, but with new (often better) jokes. 

AKA:  The Day the Earth Got Stoned.  AKA:  The Secret World War.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO NIGHTS OF THE WORLD NO. 2 (1978) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Joe D’Amato returns with another sexy (fake) Mondo movie.  Even though he made two of these with Laura Gemser (this was released two weeks before Emanuelle and the Porno Nights of the World), Ajita Wilson fills in as the hostess time out.  The wraparound sequences find a stewardess (Wilson) returning home from a long flight to be interviewed by a sexy reporter.  While undressing, she talks about all the exotic nightclubs she’s visited around the world. 

First up is a “Ping Pong Club” in Hong Kong where a woman shoots ping pong balls out of her hoo-hah and into the customer’s drinks (accompanied by hilarious space gun “pew-pew” sound effects).  Next, we’re off to Dallas to see a stripper perform a Native American-inspired dance number.  (I believe we would call that “Cultural Appropriation” nowadays.)  Then, we meet a couple who bang on a boat before setting off to the Middle East to watch a belly dancer shake and shimmy.  Next, we watch a lesbian floor show with a ‘20s motif followed by a bout of female mud wrestling.  Ajita herself is featured in the following segment performing a dance number with a nude man painted up like the statue of David.  Then we check out an S & M dance number that looks like 50 Shades of Bobby and Cissy.  That’s followed by more sadist shenanigans of German couples using whips and chains on each other, including a scene where a dominatrix makes her submissive eat shit.  (It looks like chocolate pudding.)  Wilson then performs a striptease for a giant stone phallus.  This is followed by an odd segment that looks like a home movie showcasing “repressed” (white) Americans reacting to a “liberated” (black) dancer.  Next is a great scene where a woman does a striptease dressed as Zorro.  The apex of the debauchery comes during a French striptease version of Swan Lake that quickly veers into Pedro the Horse territory, if you know what I mean.  That’s followed by a Las Vegas orgy which for me, was by far the weakest sequence, but then again anything would’ve felt anticlimactic next to the Swan Lake Pony Show.  Lastly, the reporter finally puts her tape recorder away so she and Ajita can bone. 

This would make a pretty good double feature with Crazy Nights as both films are Mondo movies starring trans women directed by Joe D’Amato.  It’s not nearly as fun as that manic classic, but I enjoyed it more than either of the Laura Gemser-starring Porno Nights of the World films.  It’s more entertaining from scene to scene and Wilson’s host segments have a lot of energy.  Plus, the Swan Lake scene alone is enough to give you déjà vu from Emanuelle in America. 

Wilson gets the best line of the movie when she tells about some of the women she’s encountered:  “If they don’t give you a big hand, they might as well give you the clap!”

AKA:  Porno Nights Around the World 2.  AKA:  Scandinavian Erotica.  AKA:  Sexy Night Report No. 2.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK DEEP THROAT (1977) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Trailblazing trans exploitation movie star Ajita Wilson stars as an ace reporter sent to do a story on a sex guru.  Meanwhile, she’s got a hot lead on a story about an exclusive sex club that caters to the rich and elite that could make or break her career.  Adding to her troubles is the fact that her on again/off again bout of nymphomania is decidedly on again. 

Produced by the legendary international czar of sleaze, Dick (Pieces) Randall, Black Deep Throat is certainly a curiosity piece.  You might think it’s a porno because of the title.  Although there are certainly moments that flirt with XXX (like the scene where Wilson seduces a man and his roommate or the final orgy sequence), it’s more of a Woodward and Bernstein deal than a Lovelace and Reems.  That said, once the action switches to the sex club, it becomes more or less nonstop softcore sex.  These scenes aren’t exactly great, but you have to admire the devotion to quantity over quality. 

Despite its appearance in Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box sex, this isn’t really a Black Emanuelle movie.  (Although it plays like a loose remake of Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade).  However, the participation of Wilson, who starred in Joe D’Amato’s Porno Nights of the World No. 2, certainly makes it adjacent to the Black Emanuelle series.  That makes it close enough for me. 

Wilson is as intriguing as always, even if her sex scenes are filmed indifferently.  The highlight is when she gets to second base with a lesbian while riding horseback.  The finale where she dons a black hood as is passed around like a party favor is decent too.

Too bad the pacing is on the slow side as it’s padded with long establishing shots and draggy scenes of Wilson walking through the streets of Paris.  (The score is pretty snappy though.)  The twist ending is kind of dark too, and while it doesn’t really stick the landing, I admire the attempt to do something a little different with the typical formula. 

Wilson gets the best line of the movie when she tells her co-worker the sex club has “Hot and cold running sex!”

AKA:  Queen of Sex.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE: A WOMAN FROM A HOT COUNTRY (1978) **

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Stuart Whitman and Laura Gemser are two strangers fleeing unhappy relationships.  They meet while hitchhiking and relate flashbacks to one another.  Eventually, the pair fall in love… or at least… in lust with each other. 

Despite the antics of two dopey truckers getting laid by a woman who turns tricks out of an auto parts store, this is a slow-moving melodrama for the most part.  At least Gemser has a couple of solid nude scenes that keep you from becoming completely disinterested.  One memorable bit involves her trying on apparel in front of her real-life hubby, Gabriele Tinti, before he seductively dresses her in her new garments.  Other decent sequences involve her going for a literal roll in the hay and encountering a sex guru.  

Laura spends a lot of screen time wearing a sharp looking fedora and is dubbed by a woman with a thick Midwest accent, which is good for a laugh or two if you ask me.  In addition to Tinti, the movie also manages to keep the animal cruelty motif of the series going with the scene where alligators are hunted.  To add to the tastelessness, this scene is intercut with Laura banging a one-legged man.  You know, because nothing gets you going like scenes of an amputee busting his nut while gators are being killed.  Speaking of editing, the back-and-forth structure doesn’t do the film any favors either.  To add insult to injury, the scenes with Whitman and Gemser are kinda dull, and they have zero chemistry together. 

Even with the gratuitous nudity by Laura, the film just isn’t nearly as exploitative (or fun) as the best of the fake Emanuelle movies.  (Thankfully, Whitman keeps his clothes on.)  While there are a few nice moments here, overall, this Emanuelle feels like she came from a temperate zone rather than a hot country. 

AKA:  Fury.  AKA:  Emotional Exchange.  AKA:  Woman from the Torrid Land.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AMORE LIBERO: FREE LOVE (1974) **

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

A young engineer named Francesco (Enzo Bottesini) comes to a beautiful island to begin construction on a silver mine.  Since a sexy local girl named Janine (Laura Gemser, making her film debut and billed simply as “Emanuelle”) likes to frolic in the nude, it makes it difficult to get any work done.  Work comes to a crashing halt when the pair start balling all over the place.  However, a series of accidents also prevent him from going back to work.  It also seems that the man Francesco’s replacing happened to meet an untimely end on the island.  By the way things are looking, there’s a good chance he is going to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps. 

Amore Libero:  Free Love is one part “Average Schmo Taking in the Picturesque Local Color’ movie and one part skin flick.  The lackadaisical pace doesn’t do it any favors, and the plot meanders like a sumbitch.  That being said, Gemser finds lots of excuses to get naked, so it’s not all bad.   (We also get an eyeful of Olga Bisera, who makes a terrific entrance doing a Lady Godiva number.)

Even though it’s not part of the “official” Emanuelle series, there are scenes of animal cruelty that occasionally rear their head, so it at least feels like a continuation.  The scene where Gemser punches a turtle (!) is odd, but the tasteless moment when a bat is skinned and crucified was unnecessary.  The half-assed horror elements that crop up in the second half are pretty unsuccessful too.  Plus, it almost feels like they forgot to film an ending as everything is wrapped up via a way-too convenient voiceover in the end. 

Still, it’s obvious that even early in her career, Gemser had the “It Factor”.  She’s able to overcome a weak script on sheer beauty alone and has plenty of screen presence to boot.  About halfway through, there’s a great trippy sequence set against an aquatic backdrop that showcases and repackages all her nude scenes into one psychedelic burst of cinema.  For the most part, the movie itself if kind of a dud, but it still remains worth watching for fans of Gemser.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOOKING GOOD WITH LAURA GEMSER (1980) *

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 27th, 2009)

Back in the ‘80s, everyone had an exercise video.  Jane Fonda, Dixie Carter, and even Ginger Lynn all tried to get everyone off the couches and into shape.  Of all the A-List, B-List, and C-List celebrities that starred in their own workout tape, Laura Gemser’s has to be the strangest.  Not that I claim to be an expert in the field.  I mean, the last workout video I watched was the Cindy Crawford one and I wasn’t exactly watching that for the aerobics if you know what I mean and I think you do.  

 

It’s not the fact that Gemser is such a low rent celebrity that makes this flick so downright weird.  I mean, I’m a big fan of Gemser’s Black Emanuelle series and I jumped at the chance to see this.  (I’ve watched worse movies that held less promise.)  But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for… THIS.  I have to go on record here by saying that Gemser’s foray into the exercise video field, Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking workout video I have ever seen in my life.

 

Scratch that:  Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking THING I have ever seen in my life.

 

God where do I begin?  Let’s start with the fact that Laura DOESN’T EVEN DO ANY OF THE FUCKING EXERCISES!  Mostly, she just sits in a huge wicker chair and commands everyone else to do the exercises while she delivers a monotone voiceover.  Early in the video, she tells us that she does these exercises to maintain her figure because she’s a movie star and stuff.  We never once though see her do anything other than some simple stretches.  Sometimes they’ll cut to a close-up of her on the floor smiling after the exercise is over and done with to make it look like she really did it but even a near-sighted four-year-old could tell you she didn’t do shit.

 

I think the most hilarious part was when she says that “anyone can do these exercises” including her instructor, who happens to be PREGNANT.  I know these exercises are decidedly low impact so I’m sure a preggo person could do it, but does that mean that at the end of the video Gemser can SIT on top of the poor pregnant woman like she was a human throne?  I can hear her now.  “Hey pregnant lady, go do all these exercises.  Oh wait, are you tired?  Here lay flat on your belly on the floor and prop your feet upwards.  Why?  Because I’m going to SIT ON YOU LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN THRONE GODDAMN IT, THAT’S WHY!”

 

The program is only an hour long, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem a Hell of a lot longer.  To add insult to injury, just about half the goddamn video is filmed in slow motion.  I’m guessing if they didn’t do that, the video would’ve only been about 25 minutes.  To further pad the running time, the last ten minutes of the video is a “freestyle” dance session where all the women just uh… dance.  They even do The Robot at one point.  I’m not kidding.

 

Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

 

How do I even issue a star rating for this thing?  Judging Looking Good with Laura Gemser for what it was intended is an easy task.  No one in their right mind would ever do any of these exercises.  No one in their right mind could stand the nausea inducing slow motion.  No one in their right mind would trust an exercise video by someone who was too lazy to do the exercises themselves.  No one in their right mind would follow the advice of anyone who sat on a pregnant lady.  So, in that respect, the flick gets No Stars.  BUT… since this is the looniest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on; I have to give it at least One Star for the utter absurdity of it all.

 

Laura’s best instruction:  “Sweat!  That’s what I want you to do!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DIRTY SEVEN (1983) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 28th, 2012, as part of the It Came from the Thrift column)

Today’s It Came from the Thrift Store column will be less of a movie review and more of an exploration of how home video companies used deceiving marketing to lure unsuspecting customers into renting the same movie under different titles. This was common practice in the '80s. Back before IMDB, VHS lovers like myself had only a few resources to turn to like Psychotronic magazine and Video Watchdog to keep track of ever-changing exploitation titles. Getting duped into buying The Dirty Seven at the Thrift Store was like taking a time machine back to the ‘80s.

The Dirty Seven, by its cover, makes the movie look and sound like a cheap Dirty Dozen rip-off. The only reason I spent 50 cents on it was the fact that Laura Gemser was in it. Gemser of course was famous for playing Emanuelle and since she is one of my favorite actresses, I figured I’d pick it up.

Flash forward to today when I finally popped the tape on. Right from the get-go, I knew it kinda looked familiar. As it turns out, The Dirty Seven is actually an alternate cut of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert, a movie I’ve owned on DVD for the past decade or so!

Now I’ve accidentally bought the same movie twice on a couple of occasions and like any consumer, I felt burned when it happened. What takes the sting out of The Dirty Seven (aside from only paying 50 cents that is) is the fact that this is the ORIGINAL cut of the film. In this version, the story is told in a straightforward fashion. The version under the Emanuelle moniker severely re-cuts and re-edits the film so that Gemser appears more or less throughout the movie. In this version, she sadly doesn’t show up until about the forty-minute mark.

I guess I should talk about the plot a bit, since it’s slightly different in this version. A group of soldiers get double crossed and are forced to wander through the desert carrying their wounded captain. When he dies, the men turn into savages and rape an innocent farm girl. Tired and thirsty, they press on through the desert where they encounter a mysterious woman named Shiela (Gemser) who systematically seduces and kills them.

While it’s fascinating seeing this film in its original form, I have to say that the flick plays a lot better as an Emanuelle movie. That’s mostly because Gemser is more or less front and center (there’s even a great title sequence where she runs around naked). Still, in this form the soldier’s brutality and subsequent comeuppance plays a little stronger, so it has that going for it.

As a movie, The Dirty Seven is about middle of the road. As a curiosity piece, it’s at least worth a look; especially if you’re a fan of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert. Besides any exploitation movie fan should never pass up an opportunity to see Laura Gemser naked.

Best line: “’Murderer’ is tattooed on your bloody soul!”