THE GREASY STRANGLER (2016) ** ½

Imagine if John Waters directed Napoleon Dynamite as a Troma movie and that might give you a hint at what to expect from The Greasy Strangler.  Produced by Ben (High-Rise) Wheatley and Elijah Wood (among others), it is a terminally weird, occasionally hilarious melding of low budget horror movie and quirky indie comedy.  Usually, I don’t go for these ready-made cult items, but I found myself laughing more often than not. 

Big Ronnie (Michael St. Michael) and Big Brayden (Sky Elobar) are a father and son team who take people on sightseeing tours of dilapidated discos.  Unbeknownst to Big Brayden, Big Ronnie goes out at night and strangles people while covered head to toe in grease.  When Big Brayden gets a girlfriend (Elizabeth De Razzo), Big Ronnie threatens to steal her away.  Fueled by jealousy, he then sets out to expose his father as the greasy strangler. 

I’ll be the first one to admit that a little of this movie goes a long way.  It might’ve worked better as a short or even as a fake trailer.  However, there are long stretches that are quite funny.  Some of the humor is uneven and a lot of the jokes are repetitive, but they hit, it usually results in some big laughs. 

The film is helped immensely by the outrageous performances from the two leads.  They are both quite fearless and aren’t afraid to look or act embarrassingly silly.  De Razzo is equally fine as the object of their affections and gets a lot of surprising nude scenes.   

Unfortunately, the movie kind of goes off the rails in the third act.  The increasing weirdness is inspired, but it never finds that nice balance of surrealism and vulgarity that the first act had.  Still, it’s an interesting curio.  It might be worth a re-watch down the road, although it might be more fun to watch other viewers’ reactions to the film than the film itself.

A TALKING CAT!?! (2013) *

I have a condition where I have to see every Eric Roberts movie ever made.  When I found out he did the voice for a cat in this cheap kids’ flick for David (Creepozoids) DeCoteau, I knew I had to see it.  I had low hopes going in, but A Talking Cat!?! managed to shatter all expectations.  This is one bad mother, even for the already low standards of the Roberts filmography. 

I’m starting to suspect that my condition may be terminal. 

The “plot” has a talking cat trying to bring two single-parent families together.  When I say “talking” cat, I mean that most of the time, it’s nothing more than Roberts giving a disinterested voiceover.  On the rare occasion that the cat’s lips actually move, the effects are pitifully inept. 

DeCoteau and company also apparently didn’t spring for a professionally trained cat.  There are lots of scenes where you can plainly see the beam of a laser pointer and/or bits of food set aside in order to keep the cat interested long enough to stay in front of the camera.  It’s pathetic. 

Even fans of So Bad They’re Good movies may have a hard time getting through this one without the benefit of alcohol consumption.  If you take a shot every time you see the laser beam or some stray kibble, you should be okay.  However, if you want to take your drinking game to the next level, take a shot every time someone says, “cheese puffs”.  On second thought, you better not.  I don’t want to be held responsible for any alcohol poisoning, blindness, or death that results from playing such games.

Speaking of getting hammered, it’s rumored that Eric Roberts recorded his voiceover in “15 minutes” in his living room.  He sounds half in the bag too.  It’s almost as if you can hear the ice in his glass clinking as he mumbles and slurs his dialogue.  The dialogue is poorly recorded too.  At all times, it sounds like Roberts is on speaker phone (which, when you take the shoddy production values into consideration is probably accurate).

If there is one shining spot in this box of cinematic cat litter, it’s the presence of Kristine (Cinderella XXX) DeBell as the single mom who’s perpetually making cheese puffs.  Of the cast, she’s the only one that seems too good for the material.  That’s not saying much though.   

A Talking Cat!?! is so cheap and mind-numbingly stupid that it might make fans of bad Eric Roberts and/or David DeCoteau movies rethink their personal viewing habits.  Heck, even the film’s intended audience (five-year-olds) are far too sophisticated for the likes of this.  In short, A Talking Cat?!? deserves to be put to sleep.

CELL (2016) ***

Cell acts as a reunion to the Steven King chiller 1408 for stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.  In fact, I’d say that this one is a slightly better film in just about every way.  The opening scene, in which hundreds of people in an airport turn into zombie “Phoners” while talking on their cellphones, is a real grabber.  Even though they are of the 28 Days Later fast-running zombie variety, they have a few unique tricks of their sleeve and the filmmakers make better use of the undead’s hive mentality than World War Z did.   

Admittedly, the film is never quite able to recapture the adrenaline-pumping thrills of that opening scene.  From there on, things get a bit spotty.  Some sections are a bit rushed and a few scenes feel incomplete.  If you’re familiar with the movie’s checkered production history, you’ll probably be able to forgive its sometimes-shoddy appearance and the weak CGI.  Narratively, it’s still not entirely solid (like the inclusion of a menacing red-hooded figure), but Jackson and Cusack are so good together that their chemistry carries the picture whenever it threatens to self-destruct. 

Cell also tackles a question about zombie plagues that only Return of the Living Dead 2 has even dared mention:  The possible existence of zombie celebrities.  The scene where our stars sit around and ask each other, “Do you think Bob Dylan is a Phoner?” is one of the film’s many highlights.

One could say that King’s message is a little too on-the-nose as their cellphone use literally turns people into mindless zombies.  If you think about it though, it’s a message that’s only become more relevant as time goes on.  I mean he wrote the novel in 2006 at a time when most cells were flip-phones and not the gadget-laden app-heavy phones of today. 

A lot of Cell is inconsistent.  In fact, I was initially going to give it ** ½.  However, once the film was over, my phone rang and I had to think twice before picking it up, which is a testament to its overall effectiveness.  You have to respect any movie that has that kind of impact on you.

PERILS OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1982) **

Ti Lung returns for the third and final Sentimental Swordsman movie.  It’s not really a sequel because Lung seems to be playing an entirely different character this time around.  While it has some cool cinematography and goofy moments, it’s definitely a step down from Return of the Sentimental Swordsman.

Ghost Mansion is a mysterious fog-shrouded den of villains and thieves.  It’s Lung’s mission to infiltrate the mansion and take down the bad guys.  Along the way, he gets caught up in an assassination attempt and must do battle with several colorful and bizarre characters.

Perils of the Sentimental Swordsman contains much more violence than the first two entries in the series.  The deaths are gorier too (a guy stabs someone with a handful of chopsticks) and some parts look like they came out of a horror movie.  That doesn’t necessarily make it better though.  

The fights are a lot more stylized this time around, but many of the fighters’ gimmicks are just plain silly (like the killer bell).  There’s also a gay fighter called “Kissing Cousin” that’s supposed to be funny.  There are other moments of comic relief (like a “ghost” moving a piece of chicken around), but they aren’t very funny either. 

The good news is that Perils features characters with cool names.  This was an area in which Return was sorely lacking.  There were a lot of good names to choose from in this one, but I think my favorite was “White-Haired Devil”.

RETURN OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1981) ** ½

Return of the Sentimental Swordsman has a cool gimmick that makes it fresher and livelier than its predecessor.  Every fighter in the film is judged by a harsh ranking system and they are all well aware of their standing.  This gives them a drive to challenge and defeat any fighter they come across who happens to have a higher rank.

Ti Lung once again stars as The Sentimental Swordsman.  He is ranked third in the world for his abilities.  Although he is happily retired, that doesn’t stop every swordsman with a lower rank (not to mention a chip on their shoulder) from challenging him.  When he learns that the devious Money Clan are terrorizing the countryside, he teams up with an old buddy to stop them. 

The Sentimental Swordsman was overlong and dull and had a hard-to-follow convoluted plot.  This one threatens to follow in its footsteps early on.  Luckily, it settles down soon after and becomes a more straightforward adventure tale.  It’s not great or anything, but it’s a lot more entertaining than the first one.  It also helps that there’s a lot more fights this time around.  While the choreography is sound, the endless series of duels inevitably get a bit repetitive after a while.  

The film is seriously lacking in the cool character names department.  A name like “Silver Spear” is just too generic-sounding next to someone like “Mr. Iron Flute” from the first movie.  Fu Sheng shows up playing a guy named “Right Arm”.  Although he has a lame name, he does have a decent gimmick:  He tattoos the names of all the men he’s killed on his right arm.  Sheng also gets the best line of the movie when he tells a drunk:  “You can’t drown your sorrows; they stay afloat!”

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (2017) *** ½

War for the Planet of the Apes suffers from a misleading title as there’s not a whole lot of war to go around.  Actually, the big battle was already fought in the last installment, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.  Even though there’s not much war to be found, it’s still a lot of fun. 

Echoes of the war movie genre permeate the film, most notably, Apocalypse Now.  (There’s even a graffiti tag that reads “APE-pocalype Now” in case you didn’t get the hint.)  The villain, played by Woody Harrelson, is also a bald Colonel, just like Marlon Brando in that film.  He even gets a lot of long, weird monologues like Brando did.  

Basically though, the film is really more in line with The Great Escape.  (The Great Esc-APE?  The Great APE-scape?)  You see, the Ape leader Caesar (once again wonderfully portrayed by Andy Serkis) winds up being captured along with his Ape brethren by the Colonel, who forces them into slave labor.  Eventually, Caesar and his loyal band of Ape renegades plan a big bust-out.

Another unexpected motif:  The western.  The early scenes in which Caesar saddles up and goes out looking for the men who killed his family has a distinct John Ford vibe to it.  Think The Searchers, but with Apes.

Serkis is great and all, but it is Steve Zahn who steals the movie as “Bad Ape”.  The film might have been a depressing slog if it wasn’t for his character.  He brings much needed levity and warmth to the movie and he really makes you care about his character.  If Serkis is the soul of the movie, Zahn is the heart.

The second act lacks the punch of the early going.  That’s because these scenes are mostly a rehash of Rise of the Planet of the Apes as Caesar leads another uprising of Apes.  However, the finale packs a wallop.  If this is indeed the end of the road for the new Apes series, it ends on a fitting note, but there is still PLENTY of room to explore.

Overall, this is the second-best Apes as a Metaphor for Vietnam movie of 2017, trailing closely behind Kong:  Skull Island.

THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1977) **

Ti Lung is looking for the devious Plum Blossom Bandit.  When he is accused of being the bandit himself, Ti sets out to clear his name.  While he’s at it, he also tries to win back the hand of his former flame.

Much more stuff happens throughout the film’s overlong running time, but I’m just hitting the highlights here.  A lot gets thrown at you during the course of the movie.  I have to admit that it was kind of hard to keep up with the growing cast of characters, not to mention their various machinations, checkered histories, and ulterior motives. 

Although a lot goes on in The Sentimental Swordsman, nothing much ever really HAPPENS.  Ultimately, all we are left with is a bunch of long-winded conversations that are occasionally punctuated by a few swordfights here and there.  I guess you could say that about any Kung Fu movie, but director Chor (Killer Clans) Yuen does little to make the fight sequences pop.

I will say that a lot of the characters have funny and/or amusing names.  Some of my favorites include Mr. Iron Flute, Five Poisons Kid, and Gold Threaded Vest.  The screenwriters obviously had a lot of fun coming up with silly names for their characters.  If only they put as much thought into the characters’ actions.

AKA:  Sword of Emotion.