ANDROID COP (2014) **

Michael Jai White stars as a badass cop who is saddled with a partly robotic partner.  As in any Buddy Cop Movie, they don’t get along.  The robot cop does things by the book (mostly because of his programming) while White refuses to play by the rules.  When an assignment takes them into a desolate wasteland, they soon come to realize that they are being set up to walk right into a trap.  They then must work together as a team in order to survive. 

Android Cop is, obviously, The Asylum’s riff on the (now, mostly forgotten) Robocop remake.  As with that movie, the robot cop wears a cheesy faceplate that looks dorky.  The difference is that the focus is mostly on White as he is forced to put up with, and eventually rely on his odd new partner.  In that respect, it’s more like Alien Nation, but with robots.  (The film manages to steal bits from Escape from New York and Judge Dredd along the way.)   

While it’s nice seeing the ever-athletic White in a starring role, the filmmakers don’t make the best use of his talents.  He gets a few opportunities to show off his considerable Kung Fu skills, but unfortunately, the action is poorly framed and edited.  Probably aware that his talent is going to waste, White sometimes seems like he’s sleepwalking through some scenes.  Or maybe he was just on auto(maton)pilot.  Co-stars Kadeem Hardison and Charles S. Dutton (who looks like he filmed his scenes in a single day) are likewise limited thanks to their flimsily-written characters. 

Android Cop is also plagued with inconsistent continuity, ragged editing, shoddy effects, and inept production values.  I know this is an Asylum movie we’re talking about here, but even the Sharknado series has some semblance of basic competence.  I will say that it does have a decent plot twist in the third act; if you make it that far. 

As bad as most of the movie is, there was at least one scene that was legitimately funny.  It comes early on when White is negotiating with some terrorists.  They conclude their list of outlandish demands with a case of Mexican Coke.  This causes White to do a double-take and say, “Mexican Coke?  The kind with the real sugar?  I can’t do that!”  Since Mexican Coke is one of my few weaknesses, that scene alone was enough to earn the flick at least an extra Half Star from me. 

AKA:  Robotic Cop.

THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL (1978) ****

I kind of avoided The Boys from Brazil after all these years because the whole thing sounded cheesy.  Based on what I’d heard, I was picturing They Saved Hitler’s Brain, but with Oscar-winning actors.  That really isn’t too far off the mark, but that’s kind of what makes it so awesome.  I mean, The Boys from Brazil showed me sights I’d never thought I’d ever see in a movie, including: 

1.     The greatest actor of his generation, Sir Laurence Olivier avenging the death of the star of Police Academy, Steve Guttenberg. 

2.     Gregory Peck, who played the symbol of heroism and righteousness, Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, playing the evil Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele performing despicable medical experiments on children.  

3.     Peck, giving a monologue about being in “a godforsaken place” that is basically plagiarized entirely from Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster.    

Directed by Franklin J. (Planet of the Apes) Schaffner and based on the novel by Ira Levin, The Boys from Brazil is a hoot from start to finish.  It opens with a suspenseful extended sequence in which Steve Guttenberg goes hot on the trail of Nazis in Paraguay.  When the Nazis find him and murder him, it’s then up to Olivier to pick up where he left off.  He eventually uncovers an elaborate assassination plot involving dozens of seemingly unrelated targets.  Sir Larry O. does some more digging and learns the truth is crazier than he could’ve ever imagined. 

You know, whenever I saw the title of this movie, I always assumed “The Boys” was code for Nazis.  You know, like Hitler and the Boys are up to no good in Brazil.  Turns out, it’s a lot funnier than that.  The “Boys” are actually (SPOILER) HITLER CLONES (!!!) that are spread out all over the world.  While it sounds farfetched (and believe me, it is), the dead seriousness of which the material is handled makes it work on both levels.  Yes, the premise is ridiculous, but somehow, Schaffner and company pull it off.  I mean, the whole idea is so absurd that only a guy like Olivier could make you care about it.  

If you think about it though, this is the next logical step from a baby Antichrist.  The idea of an army of teenage Hitler clones, while absurd, is pretty scary.  Because of that, the film would work well as a double feature to either Rosemary’s Baby (which was also written by Levin) or The Omen (which also starred Peck). 

Speaking of Peck, he is great cast against type as the repulsive Mengele.  He chews scenery, but is never hammy and always remains imposing and intimidating.  Olivier, who memorably played a Nazi himself in Marathon Man, is just as much fun to watch here playing the other side of the coin as the frail, but crafty Nazi hunter. 

It’s the Hitler Clone Kid who gets the best line of the movie though when he calls Peck a “Freaked-out maniac!”

HOT ROD GANG (1958) **

After a series of circumstances too contrived to get into now, hot rodder John Ashley must disguise himself as a bearded rock n’ roller.  He then must keep his double life a secret from his family all the while using his newfound anonymity to perform at a fundraiser.  Things threaten to go off the rails once his rival frames him for a series of hot rod robberies. 

I like John Ashley as much as the next guy, but it’s hard to take him seriously as a rocker (in and out of the beard).  He sings a bunch of numbers in this movie and none of them make much of an impression.  At least Gene Vincent is around to provide a handful of decent songs.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t get nearly as much screen time as Ashley does. 

Hot Rod Gang feels like one of those types of American International films that started life as a cool title and/or poster and then once the company sold the rights to it, they were forced to make a movie around it.  (The whole “gang” subplot takes a backseat to the musical numbers fairly quickly.)  It also doesn’t help that the flick lacks the piss and vinegar that is the hallmark of the best AIP juvenile delinquent/rock musicals.  It's not bad or anything; it's just far too vanilla and lightweight to really stick with you.  It also doesn’t help that the situations Ashley gets himself into aren’t very funny and wouldn’t have even cut it for a lazy sitcom.  

AKA:  Fury Unleashed.

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (2017) *** ½

Luc Besson’s latest eye-popping science fiction bonanza begins on a note rarely touched upon in recent genre offerings:  Hope.  During the opening credits, set to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, we get to see Earth’s early days of space exploration give way to a growing space station that eventually befriends and aligns itself with other distant planets.  It’s a simple yet effective scene that shows us a vision of the future that is positive and even a bit moving. 

After that sequence, the film settles into a more familiar, bombastic blockbuster type of rhythm.  We then follow the roughish space cop Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and his sexy partner Laureline (Cara Delevingne) as they try to protect an alien critter whose very existence is proof of an elaborate military cover-up.  From then on, the movie becomes a series of elaborate, sometimes mind-boggling set pieces, but if it wasn’t for the thoughtful opening scene, the fate of the whole universe wouldn’t nearly be as meaningful.

DeHaan gives a cool performance as he has a Keanu Reeves type of swagger.  With his surfer dude accent and perfect hair, he’s a bit of a pretty boy, but he’s always a bit more capable than you'd expect.  He has a lot of chemistry with Delevingne, who is nothing short of a stone-cold fox in this.  She’s also a game trooper and badass action heroine to boot.  

It’s Besson’s dazzling visuals that are the real star though.  There’s a sequence that takes place in a virtual marketplace that is dizzying since it takes place in multiple planes of reality, often at the same time.  Think a virtual reality version of Amazon.com on Tatooine with a bit of Blade Runner thrown in for good measure.   

While some sequences are blissfully joyous, others are a bit plodding.  It’s definitely a step down from The Fifth Element (it’s more like The Fourth Element), but if you can’t love a movie that requires its heroine to stick her head up an alien jellyfish's ass to project her ESP, there’s probably no hope for you.  I know it’s not perfect or anything, but it’s hard for me to hate any film that features Ethan Hawke as a space pimp, Rihanna as a shapeshifting stripper, and Herbie Hancock as the Minister of Space Defense. 

THE GREASY STRANGLER (2016) ** ½

Imagine if John Waters directed Napoleon Dynamite as a Troma movie and that might give you a hint at what to expect from The Greasy Strangler.  Produced by Ben (High-Rise) Wheatley and Elijah Wood (among others), it is a terminally weird, occasionally hilarious melding of low budget horror movie and quirky indie comedy.  Usually, I don’t go for these ready-made cult items, but I found myself laughing more often than not. 

Big Ronnie (Michael St. Michael) and Big Brayden (Sky Elobar) are a father and son team who take people on sightseeing tours of dilapidated discos.  Unbeknownst to Big Brayden, Big Ronnie goes out at night and strangles people while covered head to toe in grease.  When Big Brayden gets a girlfriend (Elizabeth De Razzo), Big Ronnie threatens to steal her away.  Fueled by jealousy, he then sets out to expose his father as the greasy strangler. 

I’ll be the first one to admit that a little of this movie goes a long way.  It might’ve worked better as a short or even as a fake trailer.  However, there are long stretches that are quite funny.  Some of the humor is uneven and a lot of the jokes are repetitive, but they hit, it usually results in some big laughs. 

The film is helped immensely by the outrageous performances from the two leads.  They are both quite fearless and aren’t afraid to look or act embarrassingly silly.  De Razzo is equally fine as the object of their affections and gets a lot of surprising nude scenes.   

Unfortunately, the movie kind of goes off the rails in the third act.  The increasing weirdness is inspired, but it never finds that nice balance of surrealism and vulgarity that the first act had.  Still, it’s an interesting curio.  It might be worth a re-watch down the road, although it might be more fun to watch other viewers’ reactions to the film than the film itself.

A TALKING CAT!?! (2013) *

I have a condition where I have to see every Eric Roberts movie ever made.  When I found out he did the voice for a cat in this cheap kids’ flick for David (Creepozoids) DeCoteau, I knew I had to see it.  I had low hopes going in, but A Talking Cat!?! managed to shatter all expectations.  This is one bad mother, even for the already low standards of the Roberts filmography. 

I’m starting to suspect that my condition may be terminal. 

The “plot” has a talking cat trying to bring two single-parent families together.  When I say “talking” cat, I mean that most of the time, it’s nothing more than Roberts giving a disinterested voiceover.  On the rare occasion that the cat’s lips actually move, the effects are pitifully inept. 

DeCoteau and company also apparently didn’t spring for a professionally trained cat.  There are lots of scenes where you can plainly see the beam of a laser pointer and/or bits of food set aside in order to keep the cat interested long enough to stay in front of the camera.  It’s pathetic. 

Even fans of So Bad They’re Good movies may have a hard time getting through this one without the benefit of alcohol consumption.  If you take a shot every time you see the laser beam or some stray kibble, you should be okay.  However, if you want to take your drinking game to the next level, take a shot every time someone says, “cheese puffs”.  On second thought, you better not.  I don’t want to be held responsible for any alcohol poisoning, blindness, or death that results from playing such games.

Speaking of getting hammered, it’s rumored that Eric Roberts recorded his voiceover in “15 minutes” in his living room.  He sounds half in the bag too.  It’s almost as if you can hear the ice in his glass clinking as he mumbles and slurs his dialogue.  The dialogue is poorly recorded too.  At all times, it sounds like Roberts is on speaker phone (which, when you take the shoddy production values into consideration is probably accurate).

If there is one shining spot in this box of cinematic cat litter, it’s the presence of Kristine (Cinderella XXX) DeBell as the single mom who’s perpetually making cheese puffs.  Of the cast, she’s the only one that seems too good for the material.  That’s not saying much though.   

A Talking Cat!?! is so cheap and mind-numbingly stupid that it might make fans of bad Eric Roberts and/or David DeCoteau movies rethink their personal viewing habits.  Heck, even the film’s intended audience (five-year-olds) are far too sophisticated for the likes of this.  In short, A Talking Cat?!? deserves to be put to sleep.

CELL (2016) ***

Cell acts as a reunion to the Steven King chiller 1408 for stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.  In fact, I’d say that this one is a slightly better film in just about every way.  The opening scene, in which hundreds of people in an airport turn into zombie “Phoners” while talking on their cellphones, is a real grabber.  Even though they are of the 28 Days Later fast-running zombie variety, they have a few unique tricks of their sleeve and the filmmakers make better use of the undead’s hive mentality than World War Z did.   

Admittedly, the film is never quite able to recapture the adrenaline-pumping thrills of that opening scene.  From there on, things get a bit spotty.  Some sections are a bit rushed and a few scenes feel incomplete.  If you’re familiar with the movie’s checkered production history, you’ll probably be able to forgive its sometimes-shoddy appearance and the weak CGI.  Narratively, it’s still not entirely solid (like the inclusion of a menacing red-hooded figure), but Jackson and Cusack are so good together that their chemistry carries the picture whenever it threatens to self-destruct. 

Cell also tackles a question about zombie plagues that only Return of the Living Dead 2 has even dared mention:  The possible existence of zombie celebrities.  The scene where our stars sit around and ask each other, “Do you think Bob Dylan is a Phoner?” is one of the film’s many highlights.

One could say that King’s message is a little too on-the-nose as their cellphone use literally turns people into mindless zombies.  If you think about it though, it’s a message that’s only become more relevant as time goes on.  I mean he wrote the novel in 2006 at a time when most cells were flip-phones and not the gadget-laden app-heavy phones of today. 

A lot of Cell is inconsistent.  In fact, I was initially going to give it ** ½.  However, once the film was over, my phone rang and I had to think twice before picking it up, which is a testament to its overall effectiveness.  You have to respect any movie that has that kind of impact on you.