THE BEGGAR OF NO EQUAL (1980) **

Confession Time:  It was hard to tell what the hell was going on half the time in The Beggar of No Equal because the subtitles were often completely unreadable.  The horribly cropped transfer cut off about half the words on the screen.  If a line of dialogue was more than five words long, I was shit out of luck.  To make matters worse, the subtitles themselves were often blurry and hard to make out.  At least the litany of misspelled words was sometimes good for a laugh. (“Dame you!")

The plot, as much as I could surmise, focused on a shirtless guy whose job was protecting a sacred book of herbs.  Meanwhile, a badass government official goes around kicking the asses of townsfolk who don't cotton to the king’s rules, which admittedly are pretty bullshit and are mostly made up just so this guy can kick their ass.  Anyway, this cute Kung Fu fighter enters the fray and beats the snot out of a lot of people.

It was here where things started getting a little hazy.  The shitty subtitles were mostly to blame, but I admittedly started zoning out halfway through because I started losing track of the plot.  There is a decent plot twist at the end though.  It might have had some impact if I knew what was going on for the half-hour or so before that.

Because of subtitle snafu, the only way to really grade The Beggar of No Equal is on the Kung Fu action.  Sadly, the fight sequences don’t occur often enough to make up for the unintelligible plot.  In general, the fight scenes were okay.  They’re definitely nothing you haven’t seen before.  Then again, the cropping is so bad that you sometimes can’t even see who the hero is fighting.  

POTTERSVILLE (2017) **

I was so enamored by Michael Shannon’s performance in The Shape of Water that I went out looking for another Shannon film in hopes of seeing him once again chew the scenery like a madman.  Now The Shape of Water of course was all about a fish man finding love with a mute woman.  Incredibly enough, the plot to Pottersville is just as weird.

Shannon plays a meek nice guy who owns the general store in his small snowy hometown.  One day, he decides to leave work early and surprise his wife (Christina Hendricks) and is dismayed to find her dressed in a bunny costume and having “furry sex” with Ron Perlman (who likes to dress in a wolf costume).  I try not to be too judgmental when it comes to folks’ sexual eccentricities, but these two make the fish man sex in The Shape of Water look downright conventional by comparison.

Anyway, Shannon does what anyone would do in that situation:  Go out and get drunk on Ian McShane’s moonshine.  Feeling despondent, Shannon dresses up in a gorilla costume in hopes of winning back his wife.  His drunken costumed escapades in the town makes everyone think Bigfoot is on the loose and soon, the place becomes a booming tourist trap.  A reality show host (Thomas Lennon) even shows up with a camera crew looking to capture the beast.  Shannon continues the charade and runs around like Sasquatch to keep the town’s morale up, but predictably everyone turns their back on him when he’s ultimately unmasked.

On the surface, Pottersville looks like your typical Hallmark Hall of Fame Christmas movie, but the slightly warped plot pretty much guarantees little white-haired old ladies will not be amused.  The fact that the plot hinges on kinky animal costume sex (even though no skin is ever shown) is probably enough to make sure it’ll never be shown on the channel.  While it’s just a tad weirder than your average Christmas flick, it’s not nearly weird enough to be consistently entertaining.

Even though I really like the guy, I’ll be the first to admit that Shannon is badly miscast.  They really needed someone bland in the lead.  When he tries to act “normal” and be “nice”, he just comes off looking like a serial killer.  Imagine if Rondo Hatton replaced Jimmy Stewart as the star of It’s a Wonderful Life with a furry sex subplot and that might give you an idea of what we’re talking about here.

Some will want to watch it just for the fact that Hendricks plays a sex-starved woman with a furry fetish.  You’ve got to wonder about her character though.  I mean she leaves Shannon for Perlman.  It’s almost enough to make me think I have a shot with her.

All of this might’ve been worth a damn if it was actually funny.  Although I got a kick out of seeing Ian McShane as a crusty hunter doing a good imitation of Robert Shaw’s big scene in Jaws, for the most part, the gags fall flat.  Even the usually reliable Lennon fails to generate any laughs.

If you’re a Bigfoot fanatic with a furry sex fetish in need of a Christmas movie, look no further.  Pottersville has got you covered.  Everyone else will probably be left scratching their head.  

BATTLE OF THE SEXES (2017) ***

Before Andy Kaufman wrestled women in bouts of intergender wrestling buffoonery, Bobby Riggs challenged women tennis players to show man’s superiority on the tennis court.  Of course, that all backfired on him when Billie Jean King mopped the court with Riggs on national television.  Battle of the Sexes is a dramatized version of the events leading up to that fateful match.

While Riggs (Steve Carell) runs his mouth and puts on a good show for the cameras, King (Emma Stone) tries to keep her head down and train hard for the match.  She’s hoping that all the publicity will allow her to make a stand for equal rights and feminism.  She doesn’t want any needless distractions around.  Naturally, that’s just what she gets in the form of Marilyn (Andrea Riseborough), a hairdresser she becomes romantically entangled with while on tour.  Since this is the ‘70s we’re talking about, King must keep the relationship quiet because if the media found out about her lesbian affair, it would bring an abrupt end to her career.  

Directors Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris (who also collaborated with Carell on Little Miss Sunshine) get a bit heavy-handed while delivering the movie’s messages.  A lot of the on-the-nose dialogue hammers home King’s dilemma with the subtlety of a hundred-mile-an-hour tennis serve.  Once the film switches gears and turns into an honest to God sports movie, it quickly rights itself and becomes a rather irresistible underdog story.  The finale is surprisingly suspenseful too, even if you already know the outcome.

The thing about Riggs is, he’s pretty likeable.  He’s not an out-and-out bad guy.  He just misses the limelight and sees the battle of the sexes matches as get-rich-quick scheme.  He goes so over the top with his whole male chauvinist performance (his insults are kind of funny) that he becomes a caricature of a villain.  I mean he can be only taken about as seriously as your average wrestling heel. 

Even King doesn’t really have a problem with his overboard blustering.  Her real issue is with the sexist men behind the scenes who want hold women back.  While Riggs is using the chauvinist thing as a publicity stunt, these guys actually talk the talk.

The cast is uniformly excellent and help to anchor the movie whenever it threatens to get too preachy.  Carell gives a terrific performance and makes what could’ve been a one-dimensional cretin likeable and well-rounded.  The scene where he goes to Gamblers Anonymous and puts down the people in the group for being bad gamblers is hysterical.  Stone does an equally fine job as King.  Halfway through the movie, you kind of forget it’s her, which is about as good of a compliment as you can give.  The supporting cast is a veritable who’s who featuring everyone from Bill Pullman (sexist asshole) to Elizabeth Shue (Riggs’ long-suffering wife) to Fred Armisen (Riggs’ “vitamin consultant”), all of whom do a great job.  Alan Cumming in particular does wonders, giving a thinly-written role a hefty amount of gravitas.  

THE SHAPE OF WATER (2017) ****

Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water is further proof that most women just want a quiet guy with a great set of abs.  The fact that he’s a fish man is kind of beside the point.  In del Toro’s universe, love is blind.

It’s also mute.  As in, Elisa (Sally Hawkins) the heroine is a mute.  She works as a cleaning lady in a top-secret government lab.  One day, an amphibian humanoid known only as “The Asset” (Doug Jones) is brought in by his handler, Strickland (Michael Shannon) for observation and experimentation.  Strickland rules over the creature with an iron fist, gleefully giving him shocks from his trusty cattle prod (“The Alabama Howdy-Doo”) whenever he acts up.  Elisa shows The Asset kindness by… Hold on, I can’t keep calling this guy “The Asset”, because that just sounds too funky.  We’ll just call him Gill.

Anyway, Elisa shows Gill a little kindness and even develops a crush on him.  When she learns that Strickland intends on killing Gill, she ropes a coworker Zelda (Octavia Spencer) and a neighbor (Richard Jenkins) in on a plan to help him escape.  Naturally, that sends Strickland on a warpath, and he’ll stop at nothing until he gets his hands on Gill.

The Shape of Water is Guillermo del Toro’s seamless blend of late night creature feature, forbidden love story, and fairy tale.  It works as an exemplary take on each of those conventions.  Imagine if Douglas Sirk and Jean Cocteau had teamed up to direct The Creature from the Black Lagoon.  

Del Toro does a great little shorthand to endear the character of Elisa to the audience early on by showing her masturbatory routine.  I mean you have to respect anyone who can rub one out just before work.  It’s exactly the sort of thing that makes her instantly relatable to the audience.

I also love del Toro’s childlike nonjudgmental handling of Elisa and Gill’s relationship.  At one point, they even partake in a black and white song and dance number.  Forget Fred and Ginger.  Wait till you get a load of Gill and Elisa.  

Del Toro contrasts this by showing us Strickland’s own sexual routine.  Let me tell you this.  When you see the matter-of-fact way Strickland sticks it to his wife, Gill’s treatment of Elisa is downright beautiful.  One thing is for sure:  Fish men mating techniques have come a long way since the days of Humanoids from the Deep.

Hawkins is good and all, and Jones can do this sort of mo-cap creature work in his sleep by now.  Jenkins gives us yet another classic Richard Jenkins character.  They’re all solid, and give ample life to the characters they play.

It is Shannon who dominates the screen.  He’s played some slimy, creepy assholes before, but this is some next level shit.  It is a tour de force in every way. He’s maniacal and disgusting, yet wickedly funny at the same time.  Whenever he’s on screen, you can’t take your eyes off him.  It’s one of his most mesmerizing performances and is easily one of the best performances of the year. 

A CERTAIN JUSTICE (2014) **

Cung Le stars as a soldier with PTSD who accidentally kills three men roughing up a hooker (Briana Evigan).  Her pimp (Dolph Lundgren) lashes out by burning Le’s family alive.  Enraged, Le sets his sights on bringing Dolph’s operation down.

The first fifteen minutes look like they were chopped up in a blender and edited with a hot glue gun.  It’s hard to make heads or tails what's going on half the time.  I don't know if directors Giorgio Serafini and James Coyne were trying to put us in Le’s PTSD mindset or what, but it's damned irritating.  

Things improve when Dolph arrives on the scene.  He's great as the scary, soft spoken, and manipulative pimp.  While the movie is decidedly less than stellar, Dolph still manages to do some genuinely interesting character work.  He’s especially despicable when telling Evigan the harsh truth about their relationship.  Although his fight scenes leave something to be desired, he does get a decent shirtless training sequence.

A Certain Justice is generally more meanspirited and unpleasant than most of its ilk.  That doesn’t necessarily make it better.  Even though the beginning is poorly executed, the camerawork, editing, and action gets better as it goes along.  I can’t say it’s “good”, but it’s about on par with your average DTV actioner.  

It does lose points for the dumb ending.  I mean Dolph has Cung tied up and on his knees with a gun to his head.  All he had to do was pull the trigger.  Naturally, his stupid flunky wants a piece of him, so Dolph unties him so they can fight.  Predictably, Cung schools him, which leads to the big Le vs. Lundgren finale.  

AKA:  Puncture Wounds.  AKA:  Lethal Punisher.  AKA:  Lethal Punisher:  Kill or be Killed.

JIM AND ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND (2017) ****

Milos Forman’s Man on the Moon is one of the most unsung dramas in recent memory.  If anything, I hope Jim and Andy:  The Great Beyond will give viewers a chance to go back and rediscover that wonderful film.  If you ever wanted to know how Jim Carrey transformed himself into Andy Kaufman, look no further.  This is a fascinating documentary of Carrey's Method acting.  By staying in character throughout the entire shoot, it caused friction behind the scenes between him and members of the crew.  It would've been one thing if Carrey had been playing an ordinary guy.  Andy Kaufman was anything but.

The film is essentially comprised of Carrey reminiscing about the filming while we see behind the scenes footage of him running wild on set.  We’re not talking about any old “making of” documentary either.  This is some unprecedented stuff.  It’s intimate, personal, and challenging, which helps to blur the line between real and reel.  

Take for example how Jim, as Andy, mercilessly taunts wrestler Jerry “The King” Lawler.  Even when Lawler confides that in real life, he and Andy were good friends and had a respectful relationship, Jim refuses to back down, which causes tension in between takes.  Finally, they come to blows and Carrey has to be taken out by ambulance.  

The funniest moments come when Carrey is dressed up as Kaufman’s aggressive, insulting alter ego, Tony Clifton.  The scene where he busts in to Amblin’s offices demanding to see Steven Spielberg is a riot.  Even better is the part when Clifton crashes a party at the Playboy Mansion.  I’d like to think somewhere Kaufman was smiling.

Even though Carrey’s dedication to his craft ruffled some feathers, it had an oddly healing effect for some of Kaufman’s family members.  Carrey interacted with them as if he was the real Andy; giving them all a sense of closure.  Like Kaufman’s work, there’s a bit of heart to go along with the madness.

Carrey himself proves to be a fascinating interview subject.  He is shockingly honest and forthright and offers a lot of insight into his career and personal life.  Even if you’re a casual fan of either man, you really owe it to yourself to check this out.  It’s one of the best documentaries of the year.

AKA:  Jim and Andy:  The Great Beyond:  Featuring a Very Special, Contractually Obligated Mention of Tony Clifton.  

CITY RATS (1986) **

A guy takes his kid to the amusement park and afterwards, while getting a snack from a roadside stand, an undercover cop hits the boy with his car.  Since the cop is well-connected, no charges are filed.  Outraged, the father slugs him and winds up going to jail for a long time.  Meanwhile, his now homeless kid joins up with a bunch of sewer-dwelling killer children who roam the streets in packs and stab hapless passersby for their money.  When his father is released from prison, he sets out to find his long-lost son.

This is a really weird movie.  It partly plays like a killer kid movie while another aspect tackles the corrupt Mexican police and prison systems.  Don’t be fooled by the fact that this flick makes your typical Mexican prison look like an ordinary parking garage.  Looks can be deceiving, especially when said prison is filled with guards who can’t wait to hook car batteries up to your gonads. 

The scenes where the killer sewer-dwelling children accost and murder innocent people are hit-and-miss.  Luckily, there are plenty of explosions in the third act to keep you awake.  When something blows up, it blows up good.  Unfortunately, the sound was so poor that most of the dialogue is unintelligible. I'm willing to give it a mulligan though based on the explosions alone.  Even then, you have to put up with a lot of long, dull stretches in between the good stuff.