BUSHWICK (2017) *

Brittany Snow returns home to Bushwick to introduce her boyfriend to her folks.  They don’t think it’s strange that the subway is completely desolate until they see a man on fire running around.  They soon learn that the city is overrun by guys in tactical gear gunning citizens down.  Brittany’s boyfriend doesn’t last long, and she is left to fend for herself until she teams up with a janitor (Dave Bautista) who agrees to help escort her to her grandma’s house.

Dave Bautista is probably the greatest wrestler-turned-actor since “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.  Even when Piper starred in a turkey, it was usually still worth watching just because of his screen presence.  I don’t know if Bautista is quite there yet.  Bushwick (which was co-written by Stake Land 2’s Nick Damici) is not a good movie.  In fact, it’s a rather terrible one, but Bautista’s very appearance kept me awake even during its draggier sections.

Bushwick has an OK gimmick in that it is told in real time and done in one long continuous take.  The seams in the editing are painfully obvious to spot (especially whenever the camera enters a darkened hallway), which immediately takes you out of the “You Are There” aspect the directors (Cary Murnion and Johnathan Milott) were trying to create, so I’m not even sure why they bothered.  Some prolonged sequences feel like a video game while others go for an Asylum version of Children of Men or something.  None of them are suspenseful or foreboding.

The bad guys aren’t all that threatening either.  They’re just a bunch of dudes in black helmets and Kevlar vests.  They probably should’ve gotten a refund on those vests since they all can be killed rather easily, usually by one shot from a handgun, fired from a long way away.

Once we find out what’s going on, the movie begins really starts spinning its wheels.  Although the reveal is novel, it makes the danger seem, I don’t know, lackluster.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but it winds up being like a racist version of Red Dawn or something.  It was scarier when we didn’t know what was happening.

The last act is dire.  It’s as if the filmmakers forgot how to end a movie and just decided to throw their hands up in the air and walk away.  This sort of downbeat ending has been done better in the past, most notably in Night of the Living Dead.  The filmmakers were obviously going for a shocking type of ending, but they fail miserably.  They might’ve been able to get a rise out of their audience if we identified with the characters or cared about their plight.  As it is, we’re just glad the fucking thing is over.

AKA:  Bushwick:  The Last Man Standing.  

FEMALE PRISONER SCORPION: JAILHOUSE 41 (1972) ****

Female Prisoner Scorpion:  Jailhouse 41 is a sequel to Female Prisoner #701:  Scorpion.  It is crazier, wilder, and more stylish in just about every way.  Parts of it are unique, beautiful, and dreamlike.  Others look like they came out of a horror movie.  Some scenes will remind you of De Palma, others of Cocteau.  Even without the artsy stuff, it would’ve been a damned fine exploitation picture.  With it, Jailhouse 41 is a goddamn work of art.  

If you needed a refresher on who Prisoner Scorpion (Meiko Kaji) is, the opening scene sets the table perfectly.  It is simply one of the greatest badass introductions of all time.  We first see her on the floor of a dungeon, hogtied in chains.  Nonplussed at her situation, Scorpion continues to try to dig her way out using a spoon gritted in between her teeth.  You don’t see that level of determination in your heroine every day.

Kaji gives one of the most incredible badass performances I’ve seen in a long time.  She’s even better here than she was in the other films in the series.  What makes her performance so great is that she maybe says ten words throughout the entire movie.  I know Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson are tight-lipped in their films, but she makes them seem like Chatty Cathys in comparison.

Kaji does most of her acting in long, unblinking stares.  The slightest eye movement or subtle raise of an eyebrow speaks volumes.  Heck, some of the close-ups of her penetrating gazes are downright frightening.  The fact that she spends the first act confined, chained up, or imprisoned makes her acting that much more impressive.  It’s truly a performance for the books.

Director Shunya Ito drenches the movie in style.  There are some parts that look like a freeze frame, but in reality, the actors are obviously just standing still.  This makes it feel like a cartoon or a panel straight out of a comic book.  These sequences are heavily stylized, which helps to drive the emotion home.  Ito also gives us strange musical numbers, oddball asides, and theatrical interludes, all of which add to the overall experience.  While not all these touches work, the spell Ito casts is undeniable.  

In short, Female Prisoner Scorpion:  Jailhouse 41 is an unforgettable experience that will be enjoyed by fans of the Women in Prison genre and arthouse lovers alike.

AKA:  Female Convict Scorpion:  Jailhouse 41.  AKA:  Scorpion:  Female Prisoner Cage #41.

STAKE LAND 2 (2016) ***

After vampires slaughter his family, Martin (Connor Paolo) goes into the stake land looking for Mister (Nick Damici), the man who trained him to be a vampire slayer.  Martin finds him fighting in gladiatorial battles against other humans for sport.  Together, they’re able to escape their prison and try to bring down the lady vampire responsible for killing Martin’s family.

Stake Land 2 is a movie that is leaps and bounds better than the original.  Although many of the nighttime scenes are so dark that it’s hard to make out some of the action, that minor quibble aside, this is a sequel that surpasses the original in just about every way.  Directors Dan Berk and Robert Olsen must’ve known the vampires in Stake Land were pretty lame because we don’t see a whole lot of them this go-around.  Most of the time, our heroes have to deal with other humans who prove to be just as disgusting and violent as the vampires.  The filmmakers also embrace the post-apocalyptic feel of the movie by cribbing wholesale from other warrior-of-the-wasteland films.  In addition to the half-assed Thunderdome, we also get a feral kid who is lulled by a music box, just like in Road Warrior.  

Berk and Olsen do a particularly great job in the opening scene.  Paolo’s backstory gradually goes from being a fanciful bedtime story to a horrific campfire tale.  It’s these emotional notes that were largely absent from the first movie.

Speaking of emotional, Steven (The Blues Brothers) Williams gives one hell of a performance as a vet-turned-doctor.  His heartfelt final scene really sneaks up on you and is filled with some of the best acting he ever did.  Damici is equally great, giving another one of his patented tough guy performances.  He’s rapidly becoming one of my favorite character actors of the new millennium and I hope he winds up slaying vampires in Part 3 very soon.  

AKA:  The Stakelander.  AKA:  Stake Land 2:  The Stakelander.  AKA:  Vampire Nation:  Badlands.

Craving more horror reviews?  Want to know my thoughts on the original Stake Land?  Well, I just wrote a new book chockful of them.  The Bloody Book of Horror contains over 150 reviews you won’t find anywhere else.  You can get your copy through Amazon here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (2018) **

Marci Miller stars as Ruth, a former child of the corn who got pregnant, burned down the cornfield, and left the town of Gatlin with her baby in tow.  Thirteen years of drifting from place to place go by and Ruth and her son (Jake Ryan Scott) wind up flat broke and stuck in a small hick town.  Ruth gets a job as a mechanic to make ends meet and soon starts having visions of corny kids everywhere.  She suspects the children of the corn have come after her son and she'll stop at nothing to keep him safe. 

I know it’s only March, but I think Marci Miller is a lock to win the award for Best Actress in a Shitty Dimension DTV Sequel.  The sign of a good actress and yes, even a star in the making is the ability to not only survive a bad movie, but to elevate the material.  Miller, who was equally impressive in Death Race 2050, makes an otherwise forgettable and lame entry in the long-running series watchable based on the strength of her acting alone.  There are times where she evokes Amy Steel in Friday the 13^th 2, Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, and Sissy Spacek in Carrie.  It’s unfortunate she’s trapped in a narrative that only allows her to have cliched mother-son dialogue scenes and mental breakdowns while experiencing bizarre visions.  Imagine what she could do with a script worthy of her talents.

Directed by John (Feast) Gulager and written by Joel Soisson (who also wrote the last entry in the series, Children of the Corn:  Genesis), Runaway doesn’t have the go-for-broke nuttiness Gulager usually brings to his films.  The script is weak, and the twist ending is predictable.  It almost feels like with one or two tweaks it could’ve been a standalone movie, which might’ve been for the best. 

Runaway is ninth in the Children of the Corn series (or tenth if you count the SYFY Channel remake).  As far as Dimension DTV sequels go, it’s better than your average DTV Hellraiser sequel.  Just don’t expect a lot of rampaging Corn Kids brandishing farm implements.  With measured expectations, you might even find it enjoyable.

All things considered, this is the best Children of the Corn movie in twenty years, although that’s not saying much.  99% of the credit has to go to Miller, whose performance is far and away the best thing about it.  I know one thing, I’d pay good money to see her in a DTV sequel to mother!

Gulager and Soisson previously teamed up for the much better Piranha 3DD.

THE GODSEND (1980) *

A couple with a gaggle of kids meet an innocent looking pregnant woman (Angela Pleasence) in a park.  They take to her immediately and invite her to dinner.  Shortly thereafter, she goes into labor and gives birth in their home.  The next morning, she disappears, leaving the baby with the family.  They’re smitten with the child and decide to raise it as their own.  Over the years, each of their children dies an accidental death.  The husband slowly suspects his adopted child is the killer, but of course his wife won't hear of it. 

Usually, a horror film can be undone by one of the Three D’s.  They are:

1) Dumb.  Most horror movies are by their very nature dumb, but sometimes an extremely dumb premise can be its undoing, which is exactly what happened with The Godsend.  

2) Depressing.   The death of a child isn’t exactly the sort of thing that brightens a movie up, let alone the death of several children.  Still, if the film in question is about a depressing topic, it can be made worthwhile if the director infuses it with a little style.  This is not the case here.  

3) Dull.  This is the deadliest of the three D’s.  If your movie is boring as shit, no amount of directorial flair (which there isn’t any) or acting ingenuity (of which there’s none to be found) can save it.

There are ways to make a killer kid flick work.  You can always make the victims unlikeable adults or bratty kids who are getting what’s coming to them.  The victims in The Godsend are all young defenseless siblings, so it's no fun whatsoever.  This might’ve worked if the filmmakers played up the disturbing aspects of the story.  However, the murders lack even the most basic comprehension of how suspense works.  It also doesn’t help that the parents often conveniently leave the murderous brat alone with a sibling frequently.  

The psychological aspects could've been interesting if explored properly.  We could’ve seen how the death of multiple children shattered a family unit.  Instead, what we get is a lot of scenes of the husband yelling at the wife because he’s right and she’s wrong. 

In the right hands, The Godsend could've been a slow burn psychological thriller.  Instead, what we get is an extremely boring, belabored, and repetitive yawn-fest.  The open-ended ending is especially frustrating and unsatisfying.  

The only aspect that works is Pleasence’s character.  She looks kind of creepy, mostly because she has an eerie resemblance to her dad.  Once she disappears, the movie goes into a nosedive and never recovers. 

AKA:  Horror Baby.

Craving more horror reviews?  Well, I just wrote a new book chockful of them.  The Bloody Book of Horror contains over 150 reviews you won’t find anywhere else.  You can get your copy through Amazon here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

VICE (2015) **

Bruce Willis stars as an arrogant entrepreneur who’s created an artificial environment called Vice where users can live out all their violent fantasies.  The people they cheat, rape, and kill are nothing more than robots whose memory get erased every time they “die”.  One of the robots (Ambyr Childers) escape into the “real” world and Willis stops at nothing to bring her back.  Thomas Jane is the detective on the case who’s been itching for an excuse to bring Vice to its knees.

You know when you play Grand Theft Auto, and you go around killing and stealing?  Well, Vice is sort of the next step in the evolutionary chain.  Imagine if one of the helpless extras in the video game became self-aware.  How would they feel about being treated as a human target?  It’s an interesting question, but the movie clumsily answers it.

I just don’t think there was enough of a budget here to fully flesh out the admittedly OK idea.  There are too few shootouts and car chases to qualify it as an action flick and the sci-fi elements are rather low rent.  It often feels like a half-assed version of a Phillip K. Dick story, and no one wants half-assed Dick, trust me.

Willis is sorely miscast as the suave and sinister owner of Vice.  It’s also hard to buy him as this genius tech wizard/asshole billionaire.  The character is essentially an egomaniacal Bond villain and the role really needed someone like John Malkovich or Willem Dafoe to make it work.  

Jane does a solid job in the hero role.  He brings a sense of world-weariness to the character that suits it nicely.  He’s also pretty funny too.  I particularly liked the scene where his captain says, “You’re one step away from losing your badge” and Jane starts fumbling around in his pockets looking for it.  Maybe with more injections of humor here and there, Vice would’ve been a fun time.  As it is, it’s about as generic and forgettable as they come.

NIGHT VISITOR (1989) ***

A Satanist in a black robe is going around murdering hookers.  Derek (Phantom of the Mall:  Eric’s Revenge) Rydall is a troublemaking teen who has a history of telling tall tales.  When a sexy woman (Shannon Tweed) moves in next door, he sets up his trusty telescope to spy on her.  It doesn’t take long for him to deduce that she’s a high-priced call girl.  One night, he watches her get murdered by the Satanist, who just so happens to be his history teacher (Allen Garfield).  Naturally, no one believes him, and his teacher takes pleasure in tormenting him endlessly.  He even goes so far as to capture Rydall’s girlfriend (Teresa Van der Woude) with the intention of making her his next sacrifice.  Eventually, Rydall is able to convince an alcoholic ex-cop (Elliott Gould) to help him rescue his girlfriend.

Night Visitor plays like a Satanist version of Fright Night, except with Elliott Gould in the Roddy McDowall role.  Our hero even has a dorky, but likeable best friend (Scott Fults) and has to save his girlfriend from the bad guy in the end.  Like I always say, if you want to rip off someone, rip off the best.

Director Rupert Hitzig (producer of Jaws 3-D) does a fine job establishing the characters and setting up the fun, if derivative, premise.  Once the killer has been unmasked, the tension curiously zigs when it should zag.  When Garfield begins toying with Rydall, it never feels very menacing.  I mean there’s one scene where he threatens him while giving him a haircut.  Huh?  

Things heat up in the last act though when Rydall gets Gould to help him rescue his girlfriend from Garfield’s clutches.  This sequence is genuinely suspenseful and has at least one great jump scare.  No matter how spotty the rest of Night Visitor is, I can’t hate any movie that features Michael J. Pollard attacking Elliott Gould with a chainsaw.

The cast is so good that it’s easy to dismiss some of the movie’s lapses in logic or squandered opportunities.  Garfield always had a weird energy about him, and although he’s a bit miscast as the killer Satanist, he still seems to be having a lot of fun.  He has a lot of chemistry with Michael J. Pollard, who plays his dim-witted brother/chauffeur and their scenes together are highly enjoyable.

Rydall is genuinely funny and charismatic without being a goofball or acting like a typical movie teen.  The supporting cast is also fun to watch.  In addition to Tweed (who oddly enough doesn’t get naked, even though she’s playing a hooker and has numerous sex scenes), we also have Henry Gibson (as a shrink), Richard Roundtree (as a detective), and Playboy Playmate turned porn star Teri Weigel (who has two topless scenes) as a hooker victim.

AKA:  Never Cry Devil.

Craving more horror reviews?  Well, I just wrote a new book chockful of them.  The Bloody Book of Horror contains over 150 reviews you won’t find anywhere else.  You can get your copy through Amazon here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell