GUNAN, KING OF THE BARBARIANS (1982) ** ½

Gunan, King of the Barbarians starts off with a lengthy, but interesting bit of exposition that sets up the movie’s not-bad mythology.  A set of twins are found by warrior race of women who have been waiting for a prophecy to be fulfilled so they can defeat their mortal enemies.  However, the prophecy says there can be only one chosen one, which makes twin boys problematic.  That means the brothers must face off against each other to prove who is the best.  

Zukhan (Pietro Torrisi) is clearly the superior warrior, but his twin brother thinks he can save the village singlehandedly.  When he sneaks off to take on the evil Nuriak (Emilio Messina) all by himself, he is promptly decapitated.  Enraged, Zukhan sets out to get revenge and fulfil the prophecy.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians is only 77 minutes.  The fight scenes are mostly idiotic and features some truly terrible swordfight choreography.  There’s also an overreliance on slow motion, which can get a bit irritating.  I can understand the slow motion during the fight scenes (although that just magnifies how truly cruddy the choreography really is), but director Franco Prosperi uses it during simple scenes of people walking around.  My only guess is if these scenes weren't in slow motion, the movie would be only be an hour long.  Remember how Yor was a two-part mini-series that was edited down into one movie?  Maybe Gunan was just one episode of a TV show padded out to (almost) feature length.  

Also, as far as I could tell, there never was a guy named Gunan (the hero is called Zukhan) and he was the king of a tribe of women, not barbarians.  

Despite the awful fight scenes, I have to say that this is far from the worst sword and sandal epic I ever sat through.  Whatever its shortcomings may be, I can't hate any movie where a queen looks at Sabrina Siani and says, “She'll make good breeding material. Get her ready for copulation!”  Too bad the version on Amazon Prime butchers her nude scenes.  Oh well, at least the scene where the villain forces her to have sex with Zukhan while a bed of spikes forces her closer and closer to him is positively priceless.

AKA:  The Invincible Barbarian.  AKA:  Lost Warrior.

TRANCERS 3 (1992) **

Trancers 3 finds future cop Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) working as a private eye in 1992.  He’s struggling to balance work with his crumbling marriage when a cyborg named Shark (Leatherface’s R.A. Mihailoff) shows up to bring him 250 years into the future.  They go to see Jack’s boss, Harris (Stephen Macht) who orders him to go back to 2005 to stop the ridiculously named “Daddy Muthuh” (Andrew Robinson) from creating Trancers. 

The early scenes of Thomerson tripping through time work for the most part.  His detached world-weariness is funny, and the film gets a lot of mileage from his priceless reaction shots.  Deth’s relationship woes with his estranged wife (Helen Hunt) offer up the best moments in the movie (and make you wish Hunt was in it more).  However, whenever Thomerson isn’t on screen, Trancers 3 suffers.  (It also doesn’t help that Deth spends most of the second act tied up.) 

The stuff with Robinson is far less entertaining.  The scenes of him building his Trancer fighting force is kind of dull.  Making the original crop of Trancers annoying army recruits was odd choice.  None of them are really menacing and feel like military grunts from an entirely different movie.  The part when he tries to bang a Trancer is admittedly amusing though.

While Trancers 3 lacks the fun of the original, it’s more entertaining than Part 2.  It has its moments, but never finds a consistent rhythm.  It sets up some good ideas, and then doesn’t do much with them.  Consider the character of Shark.  Giving Thomerson a cyborg partner to bounce off of was an inspired choice.  If they went further with the idea, it could’ve made for a funny futuristic Buddy Cop movie.  However, their interactions are flat and fail to generate many laughs.  Likewise, Thomerson’s final confrontation with Robinson is disappointing.  I like both of those guys a lot.  I just wish the filmmakers made the most of their short screen time together. 

AKA:  Deth Lives.  AKA:  Future Cop 3.  AKA:  Trancers 2010.  AKA:  Trancers 3:  Deth Lives.

HEADS I KILL YOU, TAILS… YOU’RE DEAD: THEY CALL ME HALLELUJA (1975) ***

George Hilton uses a machine gun disguised as a sewing machine to spring a Mexican freedom fighter from a firing squad.  Hilton creates a diversion by swapping out the candles on a birthday cake with dynamite.  If you can’t already tell, this movie is pretty awesome, even if it has a long and unwieldy title.  (The way Hilton and the prisoner reluctantly agree to terms while casually gunning down soldiers is also very funny.)  Hilton eventually decides to find some missing jewels for his newfound friend, who hopes they will help fund his revolution.

Heads I Kill You, Tails… You’re Dead:  They Call Me Halleluja is a fun Spaghetti Western chockful of inventive scenes.  Among them:  Hilton performing impromptu surgery with a corkscrew, spiking the bad guys' chow with laxative to save a nun from getting stung by a scorpion, and a part where a Russian soldier guns down a bunch of surly cowpokes with a guitar equipped with a small cannon.  Despite the title, the actual quote Hilton says in the movie is "Heads you die, tails I kill you!", but oh well. 

All of this is highly entertaining for the most part.  It begins to lose some of its charm once Hilton joins up with the Russian guy, mostly because he’s no match for Hilton’s considerable charisma.  It also begins to run out of steam once it enters the finale.  The last act lacks the invention of the first hour or so, but it remains a memorable and enjoyable Spaghetti Western for fans of the genre. 

AKA:  Guns for Dollars.  AKA:  Deep West.  AKA:  They Call Me Hallelujah.  

TRANCERS 2 (1991) * ½

Future cop Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is living it up in 1991 when he gets word that the evil Dr. Wardo (Richard Lynch) is creating a “Trancer Farm”.  It’s then up to Jack and his wife Lena (Helen Hunt) to take Wardo down.  Things get complicated when Jack’s future wife (Megan Ward) returns to the present to aid them in their quest.

Trancers 2 gets off to an inauspicious start with a massive exposition dump filled with enough gobbledygook to make your head spin.  It’s been a while since I saw the first Trancers, but I remember enjoying it.  With this one, I was lost before it even got going.  Director Charles Band doesn’t do much to correct that either as there isn’t much drive or imagination on display.  It also plods along at a lumbering pace and the action set pieces are clunky and cheap looking.  (The finale in particular is weak.)  Still, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that contains a homeless baseball game AND an exploding ham.

The cast do what they can, but Band fails to capitalize on their talents.  I mean what can you say about a movie that features Richard Lynch, Martine Beswick, and Jeffrey Combs as villains, and none of them are ever given a chance to tap into the oddball energy that make them such valuable cult icons?  It looks like Band just shot and used the rehearsal as their scenes together are mostly lifeless.  

Even Thomerson’s grizzled machismo isn’t enough to keep you watching.  His limp quips and lame wisecracks don’t help matters either.  The only sparks are provided by Ward and Hunt.  The scenes where they vie for Thomerson’s affections are the only worthwhile parts of the film, and even then, they’re mostly weighted towards the end.  

AKA:  Future Cop 2.  AKA:  Trancers 2:  The Two Faces of Deth.  AKA:  Trancers 2:  The Return of Jack Deth.

YETI: GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY (1977) ** ½

A giant Yeti is found frozen in a block of ice in Canada.  It gets loose and runs off into the wilderness.  The Yeti befriends a mute boy and his sister and acts as their protector.  Too bad their grandfather wants to exploit the creature for his own gain.

Yeti:  Giant of the 20^th Century was released in the wake of the King Kong remake.  Like that film, the monster becomes a symbol for an oil company.  (It even breaks loose when it is frightened by photographers’ flashbulbs.)  The movie also pokes a little fun at the Kong marketing blitz as the company sells a lot of Yeti t-shirts.

Directed by Gianfranco (the Sabata movies) Parolini, Yeti:  Giant of the 20^th Century is a moderately entertaining Grade-Z Italian knockoff that features some awful dubbing and uneven special effects.  The Yeti itself just looks like a homeless person with a wild hairdo and bushy beard wearing a tattered gorilla costume.  The other effects range from atrocious to passable.  While some effects shots feature obvious matte lines, the stuff with actors sitting in the giant Yeti hands work well enough.  The highlight comes when the Yeti walks down the side of a building, kicking in the windows with his feet and using them like rungs of a ladder.  The Kong-style scenes of the Yeti’s foot stomping on people are pretty nifty too.  The Yeti even goes one better than Kong as it strangles a guy with its toes. 

There are some genuinely funny moments here.  I liked the part when the Yeti combs Phoenix Grant’s hair with a giant fish bone.  I also chuckled at the fact that everyone pronounced “Yeti” as "Yay-Tee".  The scenes of the mute kid’s pet collie going for help played too much like a “very special” episode of Lassie for my tastes though.

One thing I can say for Yeti:  Giant of the 20^th Century is that it gets things off and running in a hurry.  There are no boring scenes of people going on an expedition to bog the pace down.  In fact, when the movie begins, the scientists have already found the Yeti and are in the midst of thawing it out. 

All of this isn’t consistently entertaining (or bad) to make for a great B movie, but if you enjoyed The Mighty Gorga or Konga you’ll probably get a kick out of it.  Another plus is the fact that Grant’s character refuses to be a Fay Wray-like damsel in distress.  She takes charge, bosses men around, and is quite protective of the Yeti.  She’s definitely more well-rounded than Jessica Lange’s character in the Kong remake, that’s for sure.

AKA:  Big Foot.  AKA:  Yeti.  AKA:  Giant of the 20^th Century.  AKA:  Ice Man.  

HER NAME WAS LISA (1979) ***

Roger Watkins directed this XXX feature just after making the immortal Last House on Dead End Street.  While Her Name Was Lisa isn’t quite as dark and depraved as that movie, it’s certainly more demented than your typical porno.  Watkins’ bleak outlook and callous attitude towards the sex insures you won’t be titillated during the film.  However, it’s an experience you won’t soon forget.

Lisa (Samantha Fox) is taken away from a seedy massage parlor by a photographer (Rick Iverson) who’s eager to make her his latest model.  She’s eventually stolen away by a rich publisher named Steven (David Pierce) who puts her up in a swanky apartment in exchange for her participation in increasingly-kinkier sex.  After Steven (or “Steffan”, depending on who’s calling his name) turns her over to a set of rapists, she turns to the sultry Carmen (Vanessa Del Rio), who helps her escape her life of sexual slavery. 

Her Named Was Lisa is a depressing experience to say the least.  There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for anyone in this film.  Even when things begin to look up for Lisa, she is ultimately betrayed and plunges even further into a pit of despair.  

You can feel Watkins’ fingerprints on every frame of this movie.  As with Last House on Dead End Street and Corruption, he seems to delight in rubbing the audience’s noses in the filth, punishing them for wanting to see their baser instincts played out.  Not only does he show us the harsh realities of a character living a sinful lifestyle, he shows us the repercussions and how it effects everyone around them.  The atmospheric lighting and creative camerawork adds to the weird energy that Watkins creates.  I mean any time a porno starts with a funeral, you know you're in for a downer.

I also loved the way Watkins blatantly stole pop and rock songs for the soundtrack.  Kraftwork’s “The Robots” appears during a sex scene, as does a cover of “Gimme Some Lovin’”.  The best moment though is when Led Zeppelin's “Dazed and Confused” plays during one particularly depressing sex scene.  I don't know how they got away with it, given the fact that Zeppelin is notoriously stingy with their musical rights.  I mean Dazed and Confused didn't even have “Dazed and Confused” in it!  Watkins obviously didn’t give a fuck, which helps to make this scene even more memorable.

“10” (1979) ***

When Blake Edwards wasn’t busy making those silly Pink Panther movies, he was doing these personal tangents about how women and men interact.  “10” was his biggest success, and probably his overall best film.  It’s still overlong, and clunky in parts, but there’s enough honest emotion (not to mention big laughs) to make it well worth watching.

Dudley Moore is a composer on the wrong side of forty.  He’s in full-tilt mid-life crisis mode; unhappy in his work, unsatisfied with his girlfriend (Julie Andrews), and making eyes at every piece of ass that walks down the street.  When he sees Bo Derek at a traffic stop, he becomes obsessed with her.  He decides to follow her down to Mexico (where she’s on her honeymoon with Flash Gordon himself, Sam J. Jones) with a wild scheme to get her into bed.

Moore has some good bits like being stung by a bee, drinking coffee while under the effects of Novocain, or trying to walk across the scorching sand barefoot.  The film is funny when following him around as he acts on his outrageous impulses.  It’s less effective when it spends time on Julie Andrews’ shrill girlfriend character.  Since she’s Blake Edwards’ wife, I guess he was forced to give her more and more screen time (which is probably why the original star, George Segal bolted the production and had to be replaced by Moore).  The finale where Moore and Derek eventually get together is kind of predictable and obvious from the get-go, but it’s also bittersweet and appropriate too.  I just wish the coda wasn’t so drawn out.  (READ:  More Julie Andrews bullshit.)

As great as Moore is, the supporting cast is packed with extraordinary talent.  Robert Webber has some nice moments as Moore’s gay songwriting partner, Dee Wallace has a heartbreaking bit as one of Moore’s potential conquests, and Brian Dennehy very nearly steals the show as a sympathetic bartender.  Don (Return of the Living Dead) Calfa has the most fun though as Moore’s sex-crazed neighbor who bangs a constant parade of nude starlets for the benefit of Moore’s telescope.  (The guests at his house party feature a who’s who of ‘70s porn stars.)