Monday, August 20, 2018

3 GODFATHERS (1948) ****

John Wayne, Pedro Armendariz, and Harry Carey, Jr are desperate bank robbers low on water being pursued across the desert by wily marshal Ward Bond.  While searching for water, they come across a pregnant woman and help her give birth.  They make her a deathbed promise to care for the baby and set off across the harsh desert hoping for a miracle. 

3 Godfathers is one of John Ford‘s best films.  You really care about the characters, and each of them, though flawed, prove themselves heroic in the face of impossible odds.  John Wayne gives one of his best performances as the ringleader of the bank robbers. He’s rugged and tough on the outside, but inside there’s a caring, loving, and protective father figure waiting to show itself.  Armendariz and Carey both have their moments too and there is a tremendous amount of chemistry between the three leads.  Bond is equally good as the marshal in hot pursuit. 

Even though Ford is a rough-and-tumble manly man’s director, he still has a knack for pulling at your heartstrings.  He does so in such a subtle manner that the emotional core of the story slowly sneaks up on you.  By the end of the movie, you’ll be simultaneously holding back the tears while grinning from ear to ear.  Unlike many of Ford’s films, he does not linger much on the vast landscapes of the old west (although there is some of that during the elongated salt flats sequence).  He’s less concerned with mapping the characters’ progress across the desert and more with mapping the expressions on the characters’ faces as they transform from wanted outlaws to protective guardians. 

DEATH LAID AN EGG (1970) **


Jean-Louis Trintignant is trying to invent new cost-effective ways to raise chickens on his wife’s (Gina Lollibrigida) poultry farm.  When he isn’t working with the chickens, he’s busy getting his rocks off sleeping with prostitutes.  Lollibrigida eventually gets wise to his scheme and becomes insanely jealous.  She gets his cousin (Ewa Aulin) to make her up as a hooker to catch him in the act, which leads to murder. 

Death Laid an Egg is comprised of two subplots.  The stuff dealing with the maintenance, marketing, and scientific experiments going on at the chicken farm is rough going sometimes.  There is one great scene though where a scientist develops a mutated headless chicken, but for the most part, these moments don’t have enough kick to make the rest of the flick worthwhile.  The main thrust of the story, the prostitute murders, is unfortunately rather boring.  There is a decent plot twist in the final reel, although it occurs much too late to have any real impact.  The open-ended ending is also frustrating.

The direction and editing as often artsy-fartsy and gets in the way of the action.  I guess the Blow-Up influence is to blame for that.  If it was presented in a more straightforward manner, or at the very least had more sizzle (for a movie about murdering prostitutes, it seems awful chaste) it might’ve worked.

AKA:  A Curious Way to Love.  AKA:  Plucked.

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS (1944) ** ½


Robert Lowell stars as a well-to-do lad with lush parents.  They’re extremely wealthy and give him everything a boy could want, except of course for parental guidance and affection.  He falls for a pretty night club singer (Mary Beth Hughes) and winds up getting mixed up with gangsters, which leads to a life of crime. 

I Accuse My Parents exists in the middle ground between ‘30s scare film and ‘50s juvenile delinquent movie.  (Like Reefer Madness, there’s a scene where the judge condemns the parents.)  Unfortunately, it lacks the bonkers qualities of those old “educational” roadshow pictures.  It’s also missing the kick of the JD flicks.  (Thugs wearing three-piece suits and fedoras just aren’t as cool as hot-rodders in leather jackets.)  Since it’s a Poverty Row quickie from PRC directed by Sam (Radar Secret Service) Newfield, it does have its own charms.   

It’s also a good vehicle for the talented Mary Beth Hughes.  Not only does she deliver a solid performance, she even gets to sing a couple of catchy songs too.  (“Are You Happy in Your Work” is a real showstopper.)  Lowell isn’t bad exactly, it’s just that his character is such a drip.  Plus, he tells so many wild yarns that it’s hard to feel sorry for him once he gets under the thumb of the gangsters.  I mean it’s not ALL his parents’ fault!

AKA:  Accuse My Past.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

ADAM AND EVE (1983) ** ½


After a budget version of Genesis, God creates Adam (Mark “Trash” Gregory) who crawls out of a slimy egg sac.  He wanders around for a while until he comes to a beach where he makes a sculpture of a woman in the sand.  After it rains, Eve (Andrea Goldman) emerges from the beach to keep Adam company.  They’re happy for a time, but she’s constantly tempted by a snake who urges her to eat the forbidden fruit.  When she and Adam both take a bite from the apple, it leads to a lot of stock footage of volcanos, hurricanes, and mudslides.  Later, Eve watches some lions fucking and gets horny.  After a quick lovemaking session, she steals an egg and is attacked by its mother, a hungry pterodactyl. 

Oh, did I mention there were dinosaurs in the garden of Eden?  It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I don’t seem to remember reading that in the Bible.  Nor do I remember a Bible verse recounting the Raiders of the Lost Ark-inspired scene where Adam and Eve outrun a shitty stop-motion boulder.  This must’ve been the new New Testament.

Other parts that may or may not have been in the Bible:  A bear attack.  Eve cheating on Adam with a tribesman.  Cannibals bashing people’s brains in.

In the end, Adam and the pregnant Eve makes their way to the sea where they try to put all that apple-eating shit behind them and start again.  Would it surprise you that the film ends with real footage of an underwater birth?  Probably not.

Adam and Eve is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but it delivers more WTF’s per minute than anything I’ve seen in quite some time.  I can’t really recommend it because it’s in no way, shape, or form what I’d call “good”.  However, if it’s been a long time since your jaw has dropped from sheer cinematic insanity, you should probably check it out. 

AKA:  Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve:  The First Love Story.

THE DAUGHTER OF THE JUNGLE (1982) **


Two knuckleheads run out of gas while going down river in the jungle.  There, they encounter waterfalls, stock footage of crocodiles, and cannibals.  They eventually get mixed up with some baddies who make them join in the search for a stash of lost rubies.  The duo winds up getting rescued by a beautiful, scantily-clad jungle girl (Sabrina Siani) and immediately begin vying for her affection.

The Daughter of the Jungle is an odd jungle comedy directed by Umberto Lenzi and written by actor Giovanni Radice.  It relies heavily on mostly unfunny wordplay and desperate slapstick, but it’s not completely devoid of laughs.  Most of the humor comes courtesy of the atrocious dubbing.  One guy sounds like Pepe Le Pew and another sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium.

The real reason to see it is for the amazing Sabrina Siani, one of the ripest Italian tomatoes in silver screen history.   She spends most of her screen time in a barely-there loincloth swinging from vines and yelling like Tarzan.  (She even has a chimp sidekick, just like Tarzan.)  She also gets a great skinny-dipping scene.  (“You’ve got it all over Bo What’s-Her-Name!”)  Whether riding on an elephant or trying to figure out how jeans work, she is immensely fun to watch.  

If it wasn’t for Siani’s stunning figure and humorous performance, The Daughter of the Jungle wouldn’t be worth a damn.  In fact, the movie is borderline insufferable whenever she isn’t on screen.  Still, it’s almost worth a look just for her breathtaking beauty alone. 

AKA:  Adventures in Last Paradise.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

TIME AFTER TIME (1979) ***


H.G. Wells (Malcolm McDowell) invents a time machine when wouldn’t you know it, Jack the fucking Ripper (David Warner) steals it to elude capture by the police.  Wells takes off to modern day San Francisco in hot pursuit of the Ripper and stop him from committing more murders.  Along the way, he winds up falling in love with a sweet-natured bank teller (Mary Steenburgen) who naturally becomes the Ripper’s next target.

Director Nicholas Meyer takes a fantastic premise and goes off and running with it right from the get-go.  The first-person opening scene of the Ripper preying upon an unsuspecting prostitute is a crackling bit of suspense that would make Hitchcock proud.  The ensuing scenes of Wells getting his first taste of the future are fun (like when he goes to McDonald’s) and McDowell’s light and cheery performance is truly winning.

After a breezy setup, the movie reaches a plateau once McDowell begins his courtship of Steenburgen.  Although there is considerable chemistry between the two (they fell in love on set and were later married), these scenes are just too drawn out and not nearly as engaging as McDowell’s hunt for Warner.  Things perk up during the finale, but it ultimately lacks the punch of the early scenes. 

Steenburgen later starred in another romantic time travel movie, Back to the Future 3, and Meyer went on to write another time traveling flick set in San Francisco, Star Trek 4:  The Voyage Home. 

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN (2018) ***


Christopher Robin is like a Snuggle commercial directed by Terrence Malick.  It’s beautiful to look at, but it’s ultimately a hollow cash grab from Disney who’s trying to update their back library of characters for the 21st century.  It’s easy to be cynical about these things, especially if you’re like me and a fan of the old traditionally animated Winnie the Pooh cartoons.  Still, there’s been enough goodwill generated over the years from these characters to carry it over the various hiccups.

The plot is one of the weaker elements.  Christopher Robin puts away his toys when he goes away to boarding school.  He grows up to become workaholic Ewan McGregor who puts his job ahead of his family.  I’m sure you can guess what happens next.  Pooh and the rest of the Hundred Acre Wood gang come looking for Christopher Robin and force him to stop being such a grown-up and reclaim the childhood he left behind.

This stuff is standard issue for the most part.  The engaging performances certainly help.  McGregor really sells his character’s transformation, despite his predictable arc and the hackneyed script.  Marc (Quantum of Solace) Forster’s whimsical direction is another plus.  He really sells the fantastic elements of the story and contrasts them with the grounded aspects of Christopher’s everyday gloomy existence.  This masks the lightweight plot somewhat, as does Forster’s lightning pacing.  

My biggest beef is with the ugly character designs.  I know Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and the rest of the gang are supposed to be ratty, thirty-year-old stuffed animals, but still.  There’s also something unsettling about a fuzzy bear with creepy, lifeless, coal black eyes spouting Zen-like fortune cookie wisdom.  Maybe I’m just too attached to the older animated designs that it’s hard for to me accept these new incarnations of the characters.  Maybe like Christopher Robin I need to lighten up and embrace my childhood.  

The characters, though realized through CGI, still talk and act the same way we remember.  They all have their moments to shine (especially Eeyore, who practically steals the movie), and provide plenty of laughs along the way.  They’re so much fun to watch that you kind of forget that the script is nothing more than a thinly sketched outline.

AKA:  I Became an Adult with Pooh.