After
a budget version of Genesis, God creates Adam (Mark “Trash” Gregory) who crawls
out of a slimy egg sac. He wanders
around for a while until he comes to a beach where he makes a sculpture of a
woman in the sand. After it rains, Eve (Andrea
Goldman) emerges from the beach to keep Adam company. They’re happy for a time, but she’s
constantly tempted by a snake who urges her to eat the forbidden fruit. When she and Adam both take a bite from the
apple, it leads to a lot of stock footage of volcanos, hurricanes, and mudslides. Later, Eve watches some lions fucking and
gets horny. After a quick lovemaking
session, she steals an egg and is attacked by its mother, a hungry pterodactyl.
Oh,
did I mention there were dinosaurs in the garden of Eden? It’s been a while since I’ve been to church,
but I don’t seem to remember reading that in the Bible. Nor do I remember a Bible verse recounting
the Raiders of the Lost Ark-inspired scene where Adam and Eve outrun a shitty
stop-motion boulder. This must’ve been
the new New Testament.
Other
parts that may or may not have been in the Bible: A bear attack. Eve cheating on Adam with a tribesman. Cannibals bashing people’s brains in.
In
the end, Adam and the pregnant Eve makes their way to the sea where they try to
put all that apple-eating shit behind them and start again. Would it surprise you that the film ends with
real footage of an underwater birth?
Probably not.
Adam
and Eve is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but it delivers more WTF’s per minute
than anything I’ve seen in quite some time. I can’t really recommend it because it’s in no
way, shape, or form what I’d call “good”.
However, if it’s been a long time since your jaw has dropped from sheer cinematic
insanity, you should probably check it out.
AKA: Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals. AKA:
Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals.
AKA: Adam and Eve: The First Love Story.
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