WARLOCK: THE END OF INNOCENCE (1999) * ½

Julian Sands couldn’t be lured back for the third entry in the Warlock franchise, but we have Bruce Payne in his place.  He memorably played the slimy villain in Passenger 57, which made me hopeful that this wouldn’t completely suck.  We also have the lovely Ashley Laurence from the Hellraiser series onboard as the fetching Final Girl.  However, neither of them can bring much life into this unnecessary and forgettable sequel.

Laurence stars as an adopted college student who gets a mysterious invitation to visit her birth parents’ ancestral home.  (Her boyfriend says, “Only you would get a call at 7:00 AM from a historian!”)  For much of the first act, Laurence walks around the empty house in a flimsy negligee with a slightly confused look on her face.  A little later, her friends show up to keep her company.  The evil Warlock (Payne) also appears posing as an architect and tries to turn Laurence’s friends against her in order to fulfill an ancient curse. 

Warlock:  The End of Innocence is a slow moving and frustrating sequel.  Not much happens during the ninety-four-minute running time and the creepy house location wears out its welcome fast.  Director Eric Freiser does little to make the house interesting or scary, which is odd since he does a good job early on during the dorm room scenes.  I liked the long camera take that goes down the hall room to room exploiting the kinky goings-on in the dorm.  Since this scene also serves as our introduction to the characters, it’s quite economical.  Too bad this sort of precision is sorely lacking elsewhere in the film.

It doesn’t help that the Warlock spends most of his time talking to our characters to gain their trust before messing with their minds.  Payne’s performance is missing the panache Julian Sands brought to the role, but in his defense, Sands was given much better scripts to work with.  Laurence is good though and her performance is the best thing about the movie. 

The film might’ve skated by with Two Stars if the death scenes weren’t so uninspired (there’s death by fire and freezing).  Although there’s a decent throat slashing scene, the bulk of the kills are disappointing.  There is a potentially cool torture dungeon scene that plays like a mix of Hellraiser and Cannibal Ferox, but it’s way too brief to have much of an impact.  The lame finale helped assure that The End of Innocence was the end of the road for the franchise.

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957) ** ½

Beginning of the End is a seminal movie in the Bert I. Gordon filmography.  It was the first time he took something that’s usually small and turned them into giant monsters.  He’d later go on to make spiders, ants, chickens, and Beau Bridges into giants using cut-rate special effects, but he perfected the formula in this film using locusts.  

It’s a typical effort from Mr. B.I.G.  It lacks the pathos of The Amazing Colossal Man, the out-and-out fun of Earth vs. the Spider, and some of the dopey charm of Village of the Giants.  However, you can tell Gordon took what does work here and put it to better use in his later movies. 

Peter Graves stars as an entomologist using radiation to grow enormous vegetables.  Some grasshoppers find their way into the greenhouse, eat the food, and turn into giant killers.  It’s then up to Peter to figure out a way to stop them before they level Chicago. 

Of course, Gordon tries to convince us that they’re “locusts” to make it sound biblical and shit, but let’s face it.  They’re grasshoppers.  It’s a goofy monster to pin an entire movie around, that’s for sure.  Still, that’s kind of what makes it watchable.  Unfortunately, things start off awful slow and Gordon resorts to a lot of stalling tactics to keep the giant grasshoppers off screen for as long as possible.  (There are a lot of long shots of people driving.)  Once Graves shows up, it improves greatly.  

The effects of forced perspective grasshoppers interacting with stock footage and army men are often hilarious.  I especially love the ending where they walk on postcards of buildings and Gordon tries to pass it off as giant grasshoppers swarming Chicago landmarks.  You won’t take a moment of it seriously, but you’ll probably find yourself enjoying it more often than not.

RAZE (2014) * ½

Raze is a violent, brutal, and ugly film that marries the torture porn set-up of Hostel with the underground fighting tournament plotline of your average Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie.  It’s novel in that all the fighters are women.  Unfortunately, that’s about where the invention stops.

Doug Jones kidnaps a group of women and locks them into holding cells.  They are then released two at a time, led to a well, and forced to fight one another.  Hidden cameras broadcast the brawls to members of a “secret society” ran by Jones and his wife (Sherilynn Fenn).  Zoe Bell, Rachel Nichols, Tracie Thoms, and Amy Johnston are among the fighters, all of whom must fight, or their loved ones will be killed by Jones’ goons.  

There’s no real style or substance here, just gratuitous violence.  Admittedly, it’s not a bad idea, it’s just that the execution is lacking.  The fight scenes are joyless exercises and mostly revolve around two women pummeling each other rather than smartly choreographed and executed fight scenes.

Raze tries to straddle the line between two disparate genres, which is admirable I guess, but the truth of the matter is the film does neither genre justice.  It also loses major points for having a potentially awesome scene where Zoe Bell fights Amy Johnston and then shamelessly wasting an opportunity for something special.  I mean here you have a scene featuring two of the best actresses working in DTV action today and you throw it all away by making the fight an abbreviated, over-edited affair filmed in close quarters with zero style and uninspired choreography. 

One good thing about the movie is Doug Jones, who must be glad to have a role where he doesn’t have to wear a mocap suit with dozens of ping pong balls attached to it.  I also got a kick out of seeing Sherilyn Fenn looking like a loony bin version of Liz Taylor.  I wouldn’t mind seeing them return in a Hostel 2-style sequel that shows the inner workings of their secret society.

Thoms and Bell were also in the much better Death Proof. 

AKA:  Raze:  Fight or Die.

3 GODFATHERS (1948) ****

John Wayne, Pedro Armendariz, and Harry Carey, Jr are desperate bank robbers low on water being pursued across the desert by wily marshal Ward Bond.  While searching for water, they come across a pregnant woman and help her give birth.  They make her a deathbed promise to care for the baby and set off across the harsh desert hoping for a miracle. 

3 Godfathers is one of John Ford‘s best films.  You really care about the characters, and each of them, though flawed, prove themselves heroic in the face of impossible odds.  John Wayne gives one of his best performances as the ringleader of the bank robbers. He’s rugged and tough on the outside, but inside there’s a caring, loving, and protective father figure waiting to show itself.  Armendariz and Carey both have their moments too and there is a tremendous amount of chemistry between the three leads.  Bond is equally good as the marshal in hot pursuit. 

Even though Ford is a rough-and-tumble manly man’s director, he still has a knack for pulling at your heartstrings.  He does so in such a subtle manner that the emotional core of the story slowly sneaks up on you.  By the end of the movie, you’ll be simultaneously holding back the tears while grinning from ear to ear.  Unlike many of Ford’s films, he does not linger much on the vast landscapes of the old west (although there is some of that during the elongated salt flats sequence).  He’s less concerned with mapping the characters’ progress across the desert and more with mapping the expressions on the characters’ faces as they transform from wanted outlaws to protective guardians. 

DEATH LAID AN EGG (1970) **

Jean-Louis Trintignant is trying to invent new cost-effective ways to raise chickens on his wife’s (Gina Lollibrigida) poultry farm.  When he isn’t working with the chickens, he’s busy getting his rocks off sleeping with prostitutes.  Lollibrigida eventually gets wise to his scheme and becomes insanely jealous.  She gets his cousin (Ewa Aulin) to make her up as a hooker to catch him in the act, which leads to murder. 

Death Laid an Egg is comprised of two subplots.  The stuff dealing with the maintenance, marketing, and scientific experiments going on at the chicken farm is rough going sometimes.  There is one great scene though where a scientist develops a mutated headless chicken, but for the most part, these moments don’t have enough kick to make the rest of the flick worthwhile.  The main thrust of the story, the prostitute murders, is unfortunately rather boring.  There is a decent plot twist in the final reel, although it occurs much too late to have any real impact.  The open-ended ending is also frustrating.

The direction and editing as often artsy-fartsy and gets in the way of the action.  I guess the Blow-Up influence is to blame for that.  If it was presented in a more straightforward manner, or at the very least had more sizzle (for a movie about murdering prostitutes, it seems awful chaste) it might’ve worked.

AKA:  A Curious Way to Love.  AKA:  Plucked.

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS (1944) ** ½

Robert Lowell stars as a well-to-do lad with lush parents.  They’re extremely wealthy and give him everything a boy could want, except of course for parental guidance and affection.  He falls for a pretty night club singer (Mary Beth Hughes) and winds up getting mixed up with gangsters, which leads to a life of crime. 

I Accuse My Parents exists in the middle ground between ‘30s scare film and ‘50s juvenile delinquent movie.  (Like Reefer Madness, there’s a scene where the judge condemns the parents.)  Unfortunately, it lacks the bonkers qualities of those old “educational” roadshow pictures.  It’s also missing the kick of the JD flicks.  (Thugs wearing three-piece suits and fedoras just aren’t as cool as hot-rodders in leather jackets.)  Since it’s a Poverty Row quickie from PRC directed by Sam (Radar Secret Service) Newfield, it does have its own charms.   

It’s also a good vehicle for the talented Mary Beth Hughes.  Not only does she deliver a solid performance, she even gets to sing a couple of catchy songs too.  (“Are You Happy in Your Work” is a real showstopper.)  Lowell isn’t bad exactly, it’s just that his character is such a drip.  Plus, he tells so many wild yarns that it’s hard to feel sorry for him once he gets under the thumb of the gangsters.  I mean it’s not ALL his parents’ fault!

AKA:  Accuse My Past.

ADAM AND EVE (1983) ** ½

After a budget version of Genesis, God creates Adam (Mark “Trash” Gregory) who crawls out of a slimy egg sac.  He wanders around for a while until he comes to a beach where he makes a sculpture of a woman in the sand.  After it rains, Eve (Andrea Goldman) emerges from the beach to keep Adam company.  They’re happy for a time, but she’s constantly tempted by a snake who urges her to eat the forbidden fruit.  When she and Adam both take a bite from the apple, it leads to a lot of stock footage of volcanos, hurricanes, and mudslides.  Later, Eve watches some lions fucking and gets horny.  After a quick lovemaking session, she steals an egg and is attacked by its mother, a hungry pterodactyl. 

Oh, did I mention there were dinosaurs in the garden of Eden?  It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I don’t seem to remember reading that in the Bible.  Nor do I remember a Bible verse recounting the Raiders of the Lost Ark-inspired scene where Adam and Eve outrun a shitty stop-motion boulder.  This must’ve been the new New Testament.

Other parts that may or may not have been in the Bible:  A bear attack.  Eve cheating on Adam with a tribesman.  Cannibals bashing people’s brains in.

In the end, Adam and the pregnant Eve makes their way to the sea where they try to put all that apple-eating shit behind them and start again.  Would it surprise you that the film ends with real footage of an underwater birth?  Probably not.

Adam and Eve is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but it delivers more WTF’s per minute than anything I’ve seen in quite some time.  I can’t really recommend it because it’s in no way, shape, or form what I’d call “good”.  However, if it’s been a long time since your jaw has dropped from sheer cinematic insanity, you should probably check it out. 

AKA:  Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals.  AKA:  Adam and Eve:  The First Love Story.