THE PREDATOR (2018) ***

In 1987, Predator came to Earth and went toe-to-toe with Arnold Schwarzenegger and became one of the most popular movie monsters in film history.  Lethal Weapon screenwriter Shane Black was with the franchise from day one, playing the smallish role of Hawkins, a member of Schwarzenegger’s squad.  In the ensuing years, Black, one of the most sought-after screenwriters in Hollywood, became a talented director in his own right, directing such instant classics as Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Iron Man 3, and The Nice Guys.  So what better guy to have at the helm of the Predator’s latest adventure?  I can’t say The Predator is disappointing per se, because there’s a lot to enjoy here.  However, it’s easily Black’s weakest film to date.  

The good news is, The Predator works better as a Shane Black movie than as a logical extension of the Predator franchise.  Some of the additions to the mythology is, at best, a little on the lazy side.  I mean the only new wrinkle here is a Predator who is… bigger than the other ones.  Other than that, it hits all the notes you’d want to see in a Predator flick.  It hunts, it skins, it turns invisible.  It’s a solid Predator sequel, all in all, but some will be left wanting more.

The best part of the film are Black’s quirky characters who are constantly bouncing hilarious one-liners and dirty jokes off each other.  A Predator movie lives and dies by its characters, and this one gives us a fun variation on what we’ve previously seen in the series.  This time out, the guys are soldiers with a slew of mental disorders, a touch of PTSD, and various personality ticks.  Despite their disabilities, the characters are able to overcome their handicaps and work together as a team to combat the killer extraterrestrial.  

At the center of the film is Boyd (Logan) Holbrook as the ringleader of the group.  He has a likeable, commanding screen presence and is a good foil for the other, more colorful characters in his unit.  The most colorful being the team of Keegan-Michael Key and Thomas Jane.  This bickering duo practically steal the movie and need their own prequel spin-off like yesterday.  It’s nice knowing that someone knows how to properly use Jane.  His character, a down-on-his-luck soldier with Tourette’s represents some of the best work he’s ever done.  If Key and Peele is officially cancelled, I’d gladly watch the Key and Jane show any day.

We also have Jacob Trembly as Holbrook’s son, a prodigy who has Asperger’s.  One of the joys of the flick is seeing how Holbrook tries to protect him, but the kid winds up using his own gifts to help the team.  In fact, there are some places where The Predator plays like a plea for tolerance and inclusion, without being at the expense of the sci-fi action fun.

The action sequences honor what have come before.  Black (who co-wrote the film with his Monster Squad partner, Fred Dekker) knows his way around the series and delivers on what you’d come to expect from the franchise.  However, the new twists are uninspired to say the least.  The “Upgrade” Predator seems more like a video game boss than a worthy addition to the established mythology.  That said, the end scene that sets up another sequel is certainly promising.  I’d love to see Holbrook get another crack at the series.  He certainly proves he’s leading man material.

There’s a part of me that almost wishes the Predator wasn’t even in the film.  I’d pay good money to see these characters (who refer to themselves as “The Loonies”) again in a movie that didn’t revolve around a space alien.  (Although if I really had my druthers I would want to see The Nice Guys Meet the Predator, but oh well.)

BLOOD DIAMONDS (1977) **

Safecracker Guido (Claudio Cassinelli) gets out of jail looking to make a fresh start.  Almost immediately, his girlfriend is gunned down by a pair of thugs.  He suspects kingpin Rizzo (Martin Balsam) is behind the killing, if only because he wants his cut from Guido’s last diamond caper.

Directed by Fernando (Man Hunt) Di Leo, Blood Diamonds is a middle of the road Italian crime picture.  It goes through the motions competently enough, but it’s not particularly memorable or involving.  Much of the problem rests with Cassinelli’s humdrum performance.  He plays his character as an emotionless bore and pretty much sleepwalks through the role.  It also doesn’t help that he slaps Barbara Bouchet around a lot, which doesn’t exactly endear him to the audience.

Pier Paolo Capponi is a lot more fun to watch as Tony, Balsam’s mustached right-hand man.  He has a lot of energy while muscling people and telling them to “conform”.  You’ll wish he was the hero instead of the dull Cassinelli.

Even though most of Blood Diamonds is a bore, Di Leo does give us one eye-popping sequence where Bouchet go-go dances in a white bikini.  The song she dances to, “Shock Me” is awesome too and manages to name drop just about all the old school monsters you can think of.  This scene has more weird energy and is more entertaining than the stuff with Guido looking for revenge.  Fans of Bouchet will want to check it out on the strength of this scene alone.

AKA:  Blood and Diamonds.

THE SPACE CHILDREN (1958) **

The Space Children comes with a strong pedigree.  It was produced by William Alland and directed by the great Jack Arnold.  The duo had previously collaborated on such Universal classics as It Came from Outer Space, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Tarantula.  It was the duo’s first collaboration for Paramount and despite a nifty set-up, it’s sorely lacking the punch of their best work.

Adam Williams gets a job working at a top-secret rocket-testing facility in a seaside town.  His sons get to know the local kids and go exploring in a nearby cave.  There, they find a glowing, pulsating blob that has the power to control minds.  It soon gets the children to help it stop an upcoming rocket launch their parents are working on.

The first appearance of the monster is well done, and Arnold crafts a handful of effective moments.  However, the bigger the monster gets, the more boring the movie becomes.  The scenes of characters spacing out whenever it manipulates their minds get repetitive rather quickly.  The heavy-handed ending doesn’t do it any favors either and its overly preachy nature helps diminish some of the fun.

The movie’s strength is its solid supporting cast full of familiar faces.  Peggy (The Screaming Skull) Webber is fine as Williams’ concerned wife, Russell (Gilligan’s Island) Johnson has a memorable bit as a violent drunk, and Uncle Fester himself, Jackie Coogan turns up (wearing some ultra-tight shorts) as one of the scientists at the compound.  The space children themselves (among them The Rifleman’s Johnny Crawford) do a nice job as well.  Although their efforts aren’t enough to save the film, they at least make it watchable.

ANOTHER THIN MAN (1939) **

William Powell and Myrna Loy return for their third go-around as married sleuths Nick and Nora Charles.  This time out, in addition to their loyal pooch Asta, they have their newborn baby Nick Jr. along on their adventure.  An old friend invites the couple to his secluded mansion out in the country because he’s paranoid someone is out to get him.  When someone indeed bumps him off, Nick and Nora investigate and try to bring the killer to justice.

The addition of a baby to the plot enriches the characters, making them slightly less of the caricatures they became in the last installment, After the Thin Man.  Rarely in film franchises do we get to see the characters’ lives continue at a realistic progression.  The baby itself is cute enough and the sweet scenes of Asta and the kid give Another Thin Man a different flavor than the previous installments.  Powell and Loy are their usual charming selves, which also helps, even if their banter isn’t as consistently amusing as it has been in the past.

Unfortunately, the story itself is a bit of an old hat.  After a solid start, the film becomes increasingly spotty as it goes along.  As with After the Thin Man, the plot takes a while to unfurl itself (and takes for too long to wrap itself up), suffers from a bloated running time, and there are too many side characters that gum up the works.  On the plus side, those side characters are played by an entertaining supporting cast that includes Virginia Grey, Nat Pendleton, Sheldon Leonard, Marjorie Main, and a memorable bit by an uncredited pre-Stooges Shemp Howard.  

All in all, this isn’t a bad entry.  Fans of the series will enjoy it for Powell and Loy’s continued chemistry.  Ultimately, there’s just too much fat that gets in the way of the mystery (which isn’t all that interesting to begin with).

FALCON RISING (2014) *** ½

Michael Jai White stars as a suicidal former soldier with PTSD and a drinking problem.  When we first see him, he’s playing Russian Roulette with himself.  Pissed that he lost the game, he heads down to the liquor store where the clerk asks him how he is.  White replies, “Same shit.  Different pile.”  Naturally, thieves enter the building brandishing guns, and he foils the robbery; paying for his booze with one of the thief’s money.

This is a strong opening.  So strong that I wondered if the movie was going to shoot its wad early.  One of the joys of Falcon Rising is the tireless way it strives to be just a bit better around every corner than your average DTV action flick.  Director Ernie Barbarash (who’s directed some of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s best recent stuff) keeps things moving at a steady clip and is smart enough to let White carry the fight scenes with his natural athleticism and considerable screen presence. 

The plot revolves around White’s sister (Laila Ali) being brutally assaulted while doing relief work in a favela in Rio.  He goes to visit her in the hospital and there is another attempt on her life soon after.  White then sets out to take the favela apart to find the killer.

One thing that helps set Falcon Rising apart from its contemporaries is its attention to detail.  The supporting characters are incredibly well-rounded and given ample screen time to make a lasting impression.  There’s a young rookie cop named Katarina (Minnie Ruperto) who hands out sodas to the neighborhood on a hot day in an effort to bond with the residents.  Thiago (Jimmy Navarro), the veteran detective scoffs at her attempts to earn the neighborhood’s trust, but even he isn’t above giving a child prostitute money, so her pimp won’t beat her.  This kind of attention to character and their motivations is almost like a novel in its presentation, and it never comes at the expense of White’s journey.  It just adds to the overall richness of the piece.

Let’s face it, you’re not watching Falcon Rising for its rich characters.  You’re watching it to see Michael Jai White kick some ass, and on that score; it’s a resounding success as well.  I particularly loved the fact that White continues to act during his fights.  Sometimes, he beats someone up while carrying an annoyed look on his face, and other times he looks like he’s saying, “Man, this is too easy” while cracking the skulls of inexperienced punks.  Who needs one-liners and wisecracks when his expressive face tells you all you need to know?  (Although he does get plenty of one-liners along the way.)

The fights have a very ‘90s feel to them, and I mean that in the best possible way.  Barbarash films them clearly, edits them coherently, and allows you to see the awesomeness that is Michael Jai White on full display.  White does a number of impressive physical feats during the fight sequences.  My favorite moment was when he jump-kicked one guy while shooting another who’s rushing at him from the exact opposite direction.  The man just knows how to multitask.  The three-on-one finale is also a lot of fun.  (Spoiler:  The three guys are outnumbered.)

Even the action that doesn’t involve White is memorable, like the standoff between Thiago’s men and some street thugs.  He decides to settle the Mexican standoff with a fight between their best fighters.  If the thugs win, they take their drugs and guns and they won’t go to jail.  If the cops win, the gang members won’t resist arrest.  I eat this macho stuff up.

If there is a flaw, it’s that veteran character actor Neal McDonough is somewhat wasted as White’s old army buddy.  He’s a government worker in Brazil who pretty much allows White to roam free in order to exact his revenge.  At least he figures into the set-up for the sequel at the end.  I for one hope White and McDonough return as soon as possible as Falcon Rising is one of the best DTV action flicks I’ve seen in some time.

AKA:  Favela.

X-RATED 2: THE GREATEST ADULT STARS OF ALL TIME! (2016) ***

This sequel to X-Rated:  The Greatest Adult Movies of All Time shifts its focus from classic XXX movies to some of the most famous porn stars to ever grace the silver screen.  Hosted by Mr. Skin, it is slavish to formula, breaking down the retrospectives on its subjects into several sections.  There are segments on superstars, legends, trailblazers, and alternative icons, among others.

Many of your favorite starlets are interviewed, including Christy Canyon (who still looks great), Tera Patrick (who sadly remains firmly retired), Seka (seen in clips from her best movies like Prisoner of Paradise and Inside Seka), Jesse Jane (someone calls her “porn Barbie”), and Nina Hartley (who is lauded for not only her longevity and timeless sexiness, but for her tireless role in sex education).  There’s even a segment focused on the male actors such as Lexington Steele (who seems down to earth and grateful) and Rocco Siffredi (who says, “Woman.  You just don’t fuck them with the dick.  You need to fuck them in the brain!”)  Probably the most interesting segment is the one focused on the stars best known for their acting, like John Leslie (probably the best male actor in porn), Veronica Hart (so good that her XXX films could be re-edited into “real” movies), Jamie Gillis (whose amazing screen presence and ability to embrace his perverted side made him a favorite), Annette Haven (who fought for women to portray their sexuality without being degraded), and Richard Pacheco (famous for winning Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor in the same year at the AVN Awards).

For someone who prides himself as a porn historian, I was shocked that there were a few people featured I’ve never heard of, like Tori Black (who nevertheless looks great in a Catwoman suit), Misty Stone, and Asia Akira.  I can think of plenty of other stars who should’ve been covered besides them, including Amber Lynn, Janine, Chasey Lain, Traci Lords, Georgina Spelvin, and Linda Lovelace.  The filmmakers acknowledge that they’ve left far too many people out during the wrap-up segment, so maybe they’ll be featured in another sequel.

It was also fun seeing Kylie Ireland appearing in clips from Judge Judy.  I also appreciated the fact that lots of screen time was devoted to Marilyn Chambers’ Insatiable (which I prefer to Behind the Green Door).  The best segment though belongs to Vanessa Del Rio, the first Latina superstar of porn.  It’s a real eye-opener.  Not only was she the highest paid actress in the early days, she also was a pioneer of double-penetration whose enormous clitoris was a product of excessive steroid use in her bodybuilding days!  She could easily have a feature-length documentary devoted to her.

There’s even a segment on porn stars crossing over into the mainstream.  Not only are there sections devoted to Ginger Lynn, Sasha Grey, and Ron Jeremy, their mainstream directors Rob Zombie, Steven Soderbergh, and Adam Rifkin are interviewed as well.  I was a little surprised that the part about John Holmes was so short (given his giant member), but honestly, his story has been explored in more detail in countless other documentaries.

In the end, they crown Jenna Jameson as number one star of all time.  I guess I can’t argue with that too much, even though I was always a Ginger Lynn fan myself.  (Though in my heart of hearts, the title probably should’ve went to Marilyn Chambers.)

X-Rated 2 works very well as a fast-paced historical sketch of some of the famous faces (and bodies) in porn.  If it does have a flaw, it’s that it sometimes it feels rushed, as if it’s merely scratching the surface on its subjects.  (Maybe if they chose half the number of stars and devoted twice the amount of screen time to them, it would’ve been a classic.)  Still, there are enough interesting stories and revealing interviews to make for an absorbing and enlightening experience.  

TEXAS LIGHTNING (1981) **

The first ten minutes of Texas Lightning has more scenes of disgusting fat guys in their underwear going about their daily morning routine than the sane mind can catalogue.  Did we really need to see the greasy looking lard ass fella removing his dentures and then meticulously brushing them?  I know what you’re about to say.  “Mitch!  At least this guy has hygiene!”  That may be true, but then he goes ahead and promptly drops and breaks his upper plate, causing him to spend the rest of the movie lisping and flashing a creepy toothless grin.  Also, that scene where Peter Jason sits at the breakfast table in his BVDs eating cereal was a bit much.

This is offset somewhat by the stellar sequences in which Cameron Mitchell chews the scenery like only he can.  I especially liked the scenes where he flips out on his wife for turning their grown son (played by Cameron Mitchell, Jr.) into such a mama’s boy.  Seeing him spike his morning coffee with booze while screaming, “You sissified him!  You mollycoddled him!” sort of takes the sting out of seeing the grotesquely husky rednecks walking around in their skivvies.  (The country song on the soundtrack “Don’t Let Your Cowboys Grow Up to Be Babies” acts as a stirring Greek Chorus later on in the film.)

Anyway, Cameron and some friends take his sensitive son hunting to “make a man out of him”.  The scenes of Mitchell and the guys shooting at rabbits and swilling beer quickly get repetitive and boring.  Like everything else in the movie, it seems like director Gary Graver used every single bit of film he had and let the scenes run on as long as possible in order to get a ninety-minute running time.  

If you can trudge your way through, you’ll be treated to a pretty good wet T-shirt contest.  This scene is novel in that the contestants all dunk their breasts in a tub of ice water (kind of like they’re bobbing for apples, or should I say BOOBING for apples).  It gets to a point where the women just forgo the water all together and just flash the audience, which is great news for water conservationists everywhere.  It’s also awesome because porn star Lisa De Leeuw is the winner.

It’s here where Cameron and the boys take his son to knock back a couple of cold ones.  It takes him no time at all to become smitten with none other than… MARCIA BRADY!!!  What’s a nice girl like her doing in a place like this?  (Or to be more to a point, a movie like this.)  Since things bog down whenever Cameron Mitchell isn’t front and center chewing the scenery, the long honkytonk sequence where his son tries to woo Marcia while rednecks get into bar fights is a bit of a chore to sit through.

Mitchell, Jr. and Marcia eventually get it on in a nearby motel.  Since his dad and his redneck friends struck out at the bar, they return to the motel and gang rape Marcia.  While out hunting the next day, Mitchell, Jr. snaps, pulls a gun on his dad’s friends and turns the tables on them.  He then makes his way back to the honkytonk just long enough to see Marcia croon a terrible love song, apologize, and possibly start a life together.

If all this happened to poor Marcia, I wonder what ever became of Jan.

Man, Texas Lightning is one skuzzy, downbeat, and depressing movie.  Apparently, Graver went even further with the depressing bits and the financiers made him add more comedy into the mix.  I assure you, I could not find any humor contained whatsoever.  I did get a kick out of Cameron Mitchell’s hysterical histrionic hijinks.  That alone is worth Two Stars in my book.